Fan Fiction - Written by Doug Fowler - Television Universe

Polk, Poultry And Potties
Written by: Doug Fowler

Takes place in the summer of 1989, between 2nd and 3rd seasons

Teaser - Jesse, Joey, and Michelle are in a department store's bathroom fixtures area.
Michelle: Gotta go potty.
Jesse: Okay, great, shorty. (To Joey) You heard her, take her to the potty.
Joey: No, you take her.
Jesse: Come on, you got used to changing diapers, you can get used to this. (Joey shakes his head) If not, take her to the men's room.
Joey: I'm not taking Michelle to the men's room, it might have graffiti in there.
Jesse: She can't read, Joseph.
Joey: Well...why not get DJ or Stephanie?
Jesse: Because by the time we get to the toy store and back, Michelle might have... (He looks around) Wait, where's Michelle.
(The men look offscreen, then go running toward a toilet that's offscreen.)
Joey and Jesse: Michelle, wait, it's not connected!

(Danny is walking into the kitchen grinning happily, where he sees Jesse and Joey preparing breakfast. D.J. and Stephanie are at the table.)
Danny: Guys, guess what. A great moment in the Tanner household is about to begin.
Joey: I thought that new laundry soap wasn't coming out till next month.
Danny: Even greater. May I present Michelle Tanner! (Michelle comes walking in, a huge smile on her face.) Tell them what you did, honey.
Michelle: I went potty!
(Stephanie and DJ cheer, while Joey and Jesse put down their cooking utensils and stand in front of each other and give a high five.)
Joey + Jesse: Wahoooo! No more diapers, or baby cream, no more stinky smelly scenes. (They give another high five and a yell.)
Stephanie: Whoa, I'd think you were the ones who just did it.
Joey: Stephanie, listen, when you've changed as many diapers as we have, this is better than winning the Super Bowl.
Jesse: And almost as good as getting to meet Elvis.
DJ: Well, you've got a point there - I think.
(Michelle runs to the table to sit down)
Danny: Yep, our baby girl made three whole drops in the potty this morning. (He sniffles) Pretty soon she'll be so grown up, she'll be wearing Barney underpants.
Michelle: No, Big Bird.
Danny: Whatever you want, sweetheart. Remember, I promised you if you can go a whole day without an accident, I'll take you to buy whatever underpants you want. And after a whole week...I'm gonna buy you an ice cream cake.
Michelle (Excitedly): Oh boy, ouce cream, ouce cream.
Jesse + Joey: Ice cream, ice cream.
Michelle: Want some too?
(Danny pulls the men around to the place where Stephanie and DJ are sitting, the five huddle.)
Danny: Now, guys, don't put too much pressure on her, she seems ready, and summertime's the best because then she'll be outside, and that means less to clean up since she doesn't have diapers on. So we don't want to blow this.
Joey: You got it, Coach.
Danny: Here's the plan. I've taken the potty chairs out of almost every other room, I think we're ready to try to get her into the bathroom doing it, and even try it at night.
Joey + Jesse + Stephanie + DJ: Right.
Danny: She's still a bit young to have her clean up after every accident, like I say, we don't want to punish her, because she probably will mess up.
Joey + Jesse + Stephanie + DJ: Right
Danny: Just ask her every once in a while if she has to go.
Joey + Jesse + Stephanie + DJ: Right.
Danny: We work on being totally dry all day, then when she's a little more used to staying dry all day, we can shift to night training. Until then, we keep her in diapers at night. (Joey and Jesse look very forlorn.) I know, guys, you can taste victory. But, we've still got a few outs to go, and a few more diapers to change. (They leave the huddle, Danny prepares to head out the door.) But keep that jingle in mind, maybe Pull-ups can use it. (He leaves.)
Joey: Hey, this is great, Michelle. Pretty soon you're gonna have so many neat underpants you won't know what to do.
Jesse: Yeah, just don't be like Elvis in his last years.
Michelle: Why?
Jesse: Well, he...had some bladder control problems, and...
DJ: Uh, Uncle Jesse, how about having Michelle show you that book Dad was reading to her.
Michelle (getting down from her chair, running over to the potty chair in the kitchen): Oh, book!
Jesse: What book is that? (Michelle brings it to him, he looks at the front.) Oh, hey, Michelle...let's see, "Once Upon a Potty"?!
Joey: Hey, it could be worse. Last night she asked me to read her a story called "Everybody Poops."
Jesse: Good thing she had the master of comedy do that, I could never keep a straight face.
Joey: Oh, yeah, once you've heard Robin Williams' voice reading that book, you can't stop laughing for hours. Right, Michelle?
Michelle: Right!
Jesse (sitting the book on the table): Say, uh...I think the pancakes are ready, then Joey and I have to get to work down in the basement, we have a new commercial to do for Mike's Meats. Quality pork and poultry for thirty years.
Joey: Yeah, let's let you girls in charge of Michelle, you're not doing anything today, right?
DJ: Well...
Joey: Great. (DJ looks at him not wanting to do it.) Come on, DJ, I'm sure you remember helping Stephanie train.
DJ: Oh, all right. For a while. I guess we were just going to play around here.
Jesse: Great, let's go with breakfast.

(Next scene shows Joey and Jesse in the basement, in front of microphones.)
Joey: I can't believe you were going to tell Michelle about Elvis.
Jesse: Hey, I know what you mean, it's embarrassing for me to say that about the King, but it's true.
Joey: I mean, she has to know that she's doing something that everyone does, there is no adult who just chooses not to go to the bathroom.
Jesse: I think you've been reading too much of that...whatever that book was.
Joey: Maybe so, but we'll be done with diapers in no time. Now, on to our jingle. (He turns on the audio tape, and it plays.) Great, now we just have to read the script.
Jesse: I wrote the jingle, Joseph, I'll let you read the script.
Joey: Thanks. Mikes... (Notices mike is off, turns it on): Mike's meat, makers of quality polk and poultry for over thirty years. (He stops it.) I said polk, didn't I?
Jesse: Yeah. I was more worried about the "Mite's Meaks", uh, "Mike's Mike's", make that the "Mike's Meats" twister myself.
Joey: Hey, like Danny said about Michelle, everyone has accidents.
Jesse: Right. Let's try it again. (Rewinds, turns it back on.)
Joey: Mike's meats, makers of quality polk and poultry... I did it again.
Jesse (turns it off) Look, I think you're trying too hard. Try reading it aloud without the microphone.
Joey: Good thinking. Mike's meats, makers of quality pork and poultry for over thirty years.
Jesse: Again.
Joey: Mike's meats, makers of quality pork and poultry for over thirty years.
Jesse: All right, Joseph, you are now ready to roll. (Turns it on.)
Joey: Mike's meats, makers of quality polk and poultry for over thirty... (flops papers at side) This is ridiculous.
Jesse: Hey, it's what they wanted. Look, I'll do it for you this time.
Joey: Fine. (Hands him the paper and turns on the mike.)
Jesse: Mike's meats, makers of quality polk and poultry ... (He looks frustrated) I can't believe you jinxed us like this.
Joey: Hey, c'mon Jess, let's try it without the mike a few more times. Pork and poultry.
Jesse: Pork and poultry. Okay, on three. 1...2...3
Joey + Jesse: Pork and poultry.
Jesse: Great, now you do it.
Joey: Me? (Shrugs) Okay. (Mike is turned on) Mike's meaks (lays head on arm)

(Several hours later, the men are very frustrated)
Jesse (into the mike): Mike's meats, makers of quarty pork and portry...I'm overcompensating again. Take 102.
Joey: C'mon, Jess, our hearts just aren't in it right now.
Jesse: What are we gonna do, this is due in tomorrow.
(Joey thinks for a moment, then snaps his fingers)
Joey: I've got it!
Jesse: Whatever it is, it must be mighty contagious.
Joey: Look, one of the big cogs of humor is that the youngest or least likely person to do something will do it.
Jesse: Yeah, so?
Joey: So, since life so often is just like comedy...
Jesse: What is the real life analogy to the roadrunner?
Joey: I don't know, but all we need to do it get Michelle to say "pork and por..." "Polk..."
Jesse + Joey: Pork and poultry.
Joey: Thank you. She's the logical choice.
Jesse: Well, I guess...we don't have much of a choice, do we?
Joey: Hey, come on, it's almost lunch time, anyway. (The men walk upstairs)
(Michelle has a burlap sack wrapped around her, as if she were in a sack race, but she is slithering on the ground. Joey blocks Stephanie from going near Michelle.)
Joey: Careful, Steph, that a Michelle constrictor - she'll hug you to death.
Michelle: Sssss, I'm a snake. Ssss, uh-oh, potty. (She tries to get herself untangled and can't.)
Stephanie: Come on, Michelle, I'll take you and get that sack off you while we go.
(We see DJ entering the room as Stephanie picks Michelle up offscreen.)
DJ: How's it going?
Stephanie's voice: I've got to get...oops.
Michelle's voice: Oh-oh, askident.
(Scene shifts to Stephanie, whose shirt is wet; she is grossed out as Uncle Jesse takes Michelle)
Stephanie (muttering): Grosssss
Joey: Hey, it's okay, squirt, you did it to me a few times, DJ too.
Stephanie: Joey. Squirt is not the best nickname to use right now. In fact, I hope I never hear it again.
Michelle(sadly): No Big Bird?
Jesse: Not today, munchkin, maybe tomorrow. You just got too busy playing to think, huh?
Michelle: Yeah.
Jesse: Come on, let's tidy you up. You still get a couple stickers if you go dry the rest of the day.
(Stephanie leaves to get new clothes on.)
Joey: Yeah, and you get to do something else special. We wanna record your voice.
Michelle: Okay.
(Joey and Jesse are down with Michelle in the recording section.)
Joey: Okay, look, Michelle, we want you to say Mike's meats, makers of quality pork and poultry for over thirty years.
Michelle: Why?
Jesse: Just...say it.
Michelle: It.
Jesse: This isn't working.
Joey: Look...that's probably too long. Just say pork and poultry.
Michelle: Poke an potry.
Jesse: Aw, c'mon, Joey, you're givin' the kid stage fright. If she doesn't want to say it, she doesn't have to. Do you want to say it, Michelle?
Michelle: It.
Joey: No, say pork and poultry.
Michelle: Poke and potty?
Jesse: Nice try, Joey, she's got her mind on other things, though.
Michelle: Did I win?
Jesse (taking Michelle upstairs): Yes, you won a nice big hug. Come on we'll let Joey tie his tongue in knots trying to do this.
Michelle: Okay.

(Hours later, Joey and Jesse are in the living room with Michelle, DJ, and Stephanie as Danny came home)
DJ: Too bad you guys couldn't get done with your promo; thanks for coming up so I could spend time with Kimmy.
Stephanie: Yeah, and thank for driving me to the park so I didn't have to spend time with Kimmy.
Danny: Hi, I'm home. (Everyone runs to see him, the girls hug him.) How are my little darlings?
Michelle: I hadda askedent.
Danny: Oh, that's too bad, honey. But it's okay, we'll get through the day next time!
Michelle: You got it dude.
Joey: Say, Danny, we were hoping you could help with something.
Jesse (leading him downstairs): Yeah, it's a surprise.
Danny: What, that new detergent came in after all?
Jesse: Down in the basement, come on. (All go down.)
(With all in the basement, Jesse hands the promo script upside down so he can't see it.)
Jesse: You have never seen or heard our commercial slogan before, right?
Danny: Right...I think. Is this the one for Dr. I.M.N. Payne's back surgery clinic?
Joey: No, it's Mike's meats.
Danny: Got it; you're right, I haven't heard that one.
Jesse (about to turn the microphone on) Good, so you have no idea what's been happening. Turn the script over and read it...(turns mike on) Now.
Danny: Mike's meats, makers of quality polk and poultry for over thirty years. (All groan) Did I say something wrong.
Joey: Only the same thing we've said six million times!
Jesse: We are never going to get this right.
DJ: Well...maybe you should do it wrong on purpose.
Joey: DJ, that might work in a 6th grade talent show, but we're professionals.
Jesse: At least we think we are. I don't know after today.
Danny: Look, I think DJ might be on to something. Does he want the exact words?
Jesse: No...just for us to use them wherever.
Joey: Wait a minute...(snaps fingers) Of course, the reverse psychology trick. Sort of like when Bugs Bunny would go from saying "duck season" to "rabbit season," and Daffy came back with "duck season," and Elmer shot him.
Danny: Joey, please, that's a little too graphic for Michelle.
Jesse: Actually, Joseph, I think he has a better idea. What if we dub ourselves trying to say "Pork and poultry" lowly, behind the theme music we wrote, then just say the stuff individually at the end.
Joey: Hey, I'll try it. (Reads as jingle plays) Mike's meats, makers of quality pork and poultry for over thirty years. (Slams the papers down) Now I can't say it wrong, when I want to say it wrong to make it right, and saying it right is wrong!
Stephanie: What did he just say?
DJ: I have no idea!
Jesse: Okay, maybe the jinx is broken. Say it now without the music.
Joey: Mike's meats, makers of quarty polk and poultry for over thoity years. (Imitates Bugs Bunny): Yeah, thoity years, that's a long time, Doc.
Jesse: It might be another thirty till we get this right.
Danny: Come on, let's all try it.
DJ: Yeah, we can do this together.

(Several weeks later, all are in the living room listening to the radio)
Jesse: Okay, everyone listen, the first playing is coming up!
Danny: Jess, I have 3:35 and 19 seconds, it's not due for nine minutes and 41 seconds..
Jesse: Thank you, Mr. Spock.
Michelle: I hafta go potty.
Danny: All right, let's all go up to the bathroom.
Jesse: Danny, I slaved over this spot, I don't want to miss it.
Joey: Jess, come on, we slaved over diapers for two year, this could be the end.
Jesse: Oh, okay. (He follows the others up.)
(Minutes later, Michelle and Danny come out of the bathroom, her hands held high like a medal winner's)
Michelle: Whee, I did it!
Danny: Two whole weeks of daytime dry, one whole week of night. Whaddaya say, I think she's ready for Operation Diaper Drop. Come on.
(All are in the kitchen - Michelle is holding the last box of diapers, a large waste can is near her.)
Stephanie: Let the ceremony begin! (Makes a fist like a trumpet and holds it up to her mouth) Doo doo doo!
DJ: I remember when you did this, Steph, you were pretty hard to train, you took a fair deal longer. Then Mom and you were so excited, you leaped off the counter into her arms. Nobody could ever be as excited about being through with diapers as you were.
Danny: Your mom always loved to celebrate happy moments, didn't she. (Hands a diaper out of the bag to Joey and to Jesse) Here, you guys get ceremonial diapers; you helped out so much.
Joey: Gee...I don't know what to say. In fact, I don't think words have been written to describe this moment.
DJ: Men, drop your diapers! (Stephanie opens the waste can lid as the men chuckle, then drop their diapers in.) And now, Michelle Tanner!
(Michelle walks to the barrel, and drops the diaper box in)
Michelle: Yay! No more diapers!
(Stephanie excitedly picks Michelle up in the air and shouts "yay" with her.)
Joey + Jesse (dancing a jig and giving high fives): Yahoo! No more diapers, or baby cream, no more stinky smelly scenes! Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate! Potty, potty, yeah! (They give one final high five)
Stephanie: What are they doing?
DJ: Proving me wrong.
Jesse: Uh, Joseph, did I just do a cheer for a potty?
Joey: If I did, you did. Let's forget this part happened.
Jesse: Good idea.
Stephanie: Oh, Michelle, we're so proud of you. (Hands her to Danny)
Danny: Yes, we are, sweetheart. (Looks at his watch) Oh, come on, we're only 47 seconds away from your Uncle Jesse's spot. (They rush into the living room, where the radio is still playing.)
(Commercial sounds - the household listens as the music plays, and we hear the voices dubbed lowly into the background.)
Joey's voice: We just can't say polk...make that pork and poultry.
Jesse's voice: Mike's meats was supposed to be the tongue twister.
Joey's voice: But Meke's mikes, Mike's meke's...
DJ +Stephanie's voice: Good old Mike and his meats.
Danny's voice: Mike was patient while we said polk...
Stephanie +DJ's voice: ...and portry...
Michelle's voice: ...and potty.
Jesse's voice: But it's pork
Joey's voice: ...and poultry...
Jesse's voice: ...that's been quality...
Joey's voice: For over thirty years.
DJ + Stephanie's voice: Come to Mite's...
Danny's voice: No, make that Meek...
Michelle's voice: Come see Mike.
Jesse +Joey's voice: For quality meats.
(The radio is turned off, the family cheers)
Danny: Whoa, that was great.
Jesse: Yeah, great idea, DJ.
DJ: Thanks.
Joey: You know, they really loved that spot. That might be up for a funny commercial award.
Danny: Sure makes people remember it, I bet.
Jesse: You know what it makes me remember? Sometimes I just try too hard professionally. But the things I accomplish which are most meaningful, they have to do with family.
Danny: You're right. We make a great team, don't we?
Jesse: You said it.