Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 9
Episode (8) 200 - The Tanner Secret
We find Joey and the twins in the kitchen....
Joey: Boys, I've got a riddle for you.
Alex: We can solve it.
Joey: Okay. It is my father's son, and it's not my brother.
Nicky: Your sister.
Alex: No, it's his brother.
Nicky: No, it's not. It's his half-brother.
Alex: But that's also a brother.
Joey; Okay. The answer is: me!
Nicky: You got us this time, but next time we won't fall for it.
The boys walk into the living room, where Stephanie and Michelle are watching television...
Alex: We have a riddle.
Nicky: It's my father's son...
Alex: .. but it's not my brother
Michelle: I used to know the answer.
Stephanie: Me too. But they make it too hard to solve. Very confusing.
Michelle: I think I know. Nicky started, so it's him and Alex ended so it's him too, it's both
of them. Am I right boys ?
Nicky: No. I thought you knew the answer.
Alex: But you don't.
Stephanie: Well, who is it ?
Nicky: Joey, of course.
We find Becky and the twins at the attic, when Jesse walks up the stairs...
Jesse: I have some great news.
Becky: Me too.
Jesse: I have signed the boys up for a team.
Becky: Me too.
Jesse: You also signed them up for the C.O.Y.E.L ?
Becky: No, I signed them up for the C.B.C.
Nicky: Can you please make yourself clear ?
Alex: Yeah we don't understand a character of this.
Jesse: Okay. C.O.Y.E.L means, Commitment Of Young Elvis Lovers. And C.B.C means
Children Bikes Club, I hope.
Becky: No it doesn't. It means Children Ballerina Club.
Jesse: I hope you didn't say what I thought you said. Did you say ‘Children Ballerina Club' ?
Becky: Yes I did. And what is wrong with that ? it sounds better than your ‘Commitment Of
Young Elvis Lovers'.
Jesse: My boys are not going to wear a tutu.
Becky: And why not ? My brother did it.
Jesse: You mean Frank? We both know what happened to him.
Alex: Can we say what we think about this ?
Nicky: We think you shouldn't fight. Now, make it up with some ice-cream and give us some
Becky: I'm not surprised by that thought. But you have to be on time for your first ballet class
Jesse: What time ?
Becky: Four o'clock.
Jesse: I'm afraid they can't make that. The commitment is having their first meeting then too.
Becky: Well, then we will have to do this the hard way.
Jesse: Fine. What is the hard way ?
Becky: You will see when it's time.
Alex: Nicky, come on, let's get the ice-cream ourselves, we don't wanna wait a couple of
Nicky: Good idea.
The boys walk down the stairs of the attic...
In the living room we find Michelle and Stephanie behind the computer and Danny sitting on the couch, dusting the bag of the vacuum cleaner....
Michelle: Stephanie, you're doomed.
Stephanie: No, that's another game. You mean I will be Duked.
Danny: What ?
Stephanie: Just the name of the game. But I'm dead, Michelle gets the fame.
Michelle: When did you start writing poetry ?
Stephanie: I didn't. I just said that because it sounds funny.
Then the door bell rings...
Danny: I will get it. (He walks to the door and opens it)
Mark: Hello, is this the house of the Tanner family ?
Danny: Yes it is.
Stephanie: (To Michelle) Whoa baby! What a hunk, I think he's here to see me.
Danny: And who are you ?
Mark: I'm a very happy person. (He walks to Danny and puts his arms around his neck)
Uncle Danny, I finally found you.
Danny: Wait, did we ever meet before ?
Danny: When ?
Mark: When you opened the door.
Michelle: Who are you ?
Mark: I'm Mark, Mark Tanner. I think you know me.
Stephanie: We do ?
Mark: Yes. Ever heard of Mark T. ?
Michelle: The mysterious mailer ?
Mark: That's me.
Danny: Can you explain something to me ?
Mark: Sure what do you wanna know ?
Danny: How come you are my nephew and I don't know you ?
Mark: Because today is the first time we meet.
Michelle: That sounds very logical.
Mark: Okay. I can tell you why.
Stephanie: Be our guest.
Mark: (Sitting down on the couch) Al right. I know this will be a shock, uncle Danny, but
you have, or better, had a half-brother. Your father, my grandfather, had a secret
relationship with my grandmother Judy. They had a son, Tom, my father.
Danny: Are you trying to say my father cheated on my mother ?
Mark: If you want to say it that way, yes.
Danny: Get out. I don't need your lies.
Mark: Did you never wonder why your parents ever broke up ?
Danny: Because their relationship lost its passion.
Mark: I really don't want to give you wrong ideas of your father, but I am telling the truth.
The reason I came here is that my father died two months ago and my mother left us
ten years ago. You're my only family left. And if you don't believe me, I'm sure your
mother can verify this story.
Danny: If that's right then... I have to call her. (He walks to the phone and calls his
mother. When he has finished it he walks back to the couch.) She will come over
We find the twins in the kitchen when Becky walks in...
Becky: Al right boys, are you ready ?
Alex: Ready for what ?
Becky: For your first ballet-class.
Nicky: Are there girls there ?
Becky: Yes, of course.
Alex: Al right, let's chase some chicks.
Becky: I wonder who taught you that.
Becky: Come on, let's go then.
They walk to the door to the living room, when Jesse walks in through that door...
Jesse: Okay boys, are you ready ?
Alex: Yes we are.
Jesse: Okay let's go then.
Alex: Are you going to the ballet-class too ?
Jesse: No, you are going to the Elvis commitment.
Becky: No, they are going to the ballet-class.
Jesse: No, to the Elvis commitment.
Nicky: Can you please make up your mind ?
Alex: Let's go to the cookies.
In the back yard we find DJ and Steve, raking leaves....
DJ: Steve. Don't you think the garden is a big mess ?
Steve: I think your father forgot to vacuum around here.
DJ: Can you get the mop?
Steve: Huh? You are going to look like your father.
DJ: No silly, I was only joking.
Steve: What a relief. I think I have to eat something to get over it.
DJ: Oh no you don't. First you are going to work, then you will eat.
Steve: (Sad) No eating ?
DJ: No eating.
Steve: Oh nuts. Well, let's work then. The sooner this is finished, the sooner I can eat.
DJ: You know we promised we would make something nice from the garden, don't you ?
Steve: But I don't understand why. The forecast says their will be snow this weekend.
DJ: We have to get all the leaves out of here, we will put flowers into the ground in the spring.
Steve: Hey, what's this ? Great, a half eaten sandwich.
DJ: You're not going to eat that are you ?
Steve: Huh? Ye... no, no. Of course not. Who wants to eat a half eaten sandwich... (With
some regret in his voice) with ham ?
DJ: Al right, make a new one, but do it quickly.
Steve: Yes, yes, yes.
DJ: You big baby.
Danny, Stephanie, Michelle and Mark are in the living room when Danny's mother enters the house...
Claire T.: Danny, what was so important ?
Danny: Mom, is it true ?
Claire T.: What ?
Danny: This boy here, is telling me he is my nephew. Did dad have an affair with another
Claire T.: So you met. Yes Danny, it's true. I never wanted to tell you because I thought it
would be a big shock to you.
Danny: And it is. I don't know what to say or do now.
Claire T.: Danny, we have to talk about this.
Danny: I agree. Girls, can you take Mark to the kitchen please ?
Michelle: Oh nuts! We will miss the juicy part.
Danny: Yes, and I don't want you to listen on the other side of the kitchen door.
Stephanie: Yes, we can hear it in your room too, through the stove.
Mark: Ever thought of putting a glass to the wall ?
Michelle: We did that once.
Mark: And what happened ?
Michelle: It fell down, so we just use the cupboard to put them in now.
Stephanie, Michelle and Mark walk into the kitchen....
Stephanie: How did you ever find us ?
Mark: Just looking in the phonebook.
Stephanie: But we are not the only Tanner's in town.
Mark: No, but you are the only Tanner's living at this address.
Then Kimmy walks in....
Kimmy: Hello, Tanerrito's.
Mark: Who's that ?
Kimmy: (Coughing) I'm Kimmy, hansom guy. And who are you ?
Mark: I'm someone who will buy you a single journey on your own costs to the North Pole
in a plane with some other pigs if you don't get your face away from me right now.
Michelle: Way to go, Mark!
Kimmy: I'm looking for DJ.
Stephanie: She is in the back yard.
Kimmy: I didn't notice her. Well, I will look for her then. (She coughs)
Michelle: Did you catch a cold ?
Kimmy: Yes. I'm coughing a lot lately.
Stephanie: Ever thought of cough-syrup ?
Kimmy: Yes I did, but I didn't work.
Stephanie: Maybe it will work better when you don't only think about it but also take some
Kimmy: Hmm, it might be worth a try. Bye.
Mark: Who was that ?
Stephanie: That, Mark, is our own private nuisance.
Mark: I wonder if she ever gets bored by herself.
Michelle: Why do you think she comes by here all the time?
We find Becky, Jesse and the boys at the ballet club...
Jesse: I do still not agree with this.
Becky: Too bad.
Jesse: Boys, please come with me.
Alex: Why ?
Jesse: The Elvis commitment is much more fun.
Nicky: But we want to see some pretty girls.
Jesse: You got me on that one. But please promise me you will never be like your uncle
Alex: What's wrong with him ?
Jesse: Let's say he changed his name now.... into Francine.
Becky: Hey, it makes him feel happy.
Alex: Mommy, what are those crazy skirts they are wearing ? And why are they walking so
Becky: That's a tutu. Ballerina's wear that. And the walking is the ballet.
Nicky: We don't want that. Daddy, can you please take us away from here ?
Jesse: It will be my pleasure.
They walk away. When they want to walk out the door, Joey walks in...
Jesse: Joey, tell me it isn't true.
Joey: But Jesse, it is. What are you talking about ?
Jesse: Are you going to ballet-class ?
Joey: Yes I am.
Jesse: Why ?
Joey: First of all, it's good for my social contacts. Second reason, I like to watch the girls.
And the third reason is that I have to pick up Roxy here.
Becky: Have fun, we will see you tonight.
Joey: Thanks, see you then. (Imitating Popeye) Well, where's my Olive ?
Nicky: Joey, can you do the laugh ?
Alex: We like it when you do that.
Joey: (Laughs like Popeye) See you later, little sailors.
Becky: Well, let's go to the boring commitment.
Jesse: Hey, it's not boring. This is boring.
Becky: I disagree.
Jesse: Fine, just disagree with me, I disagree with you.
Danny and his mother have finished their conversation...
Danny: I wish you would have told me earlier.
Claire T.: Me too. But the longer I kept my mouth, the less I thought it would be worth telling
you. Danny, I hope you're not mad at me.
Danny: Mom, you lied to me. I'm not mad, I'm only disappointed in you. For years I have
thought dad and you broke up because of a loss of passion in your relationship, and
now it seems the fact he was cheating on you was the reason. And suddenly there's
an 18 year old nephew standing in front of me that I never knew.
Claire T.: I'm really sorry.
Danny: I need some time to think. I'm sorry. (He stands up, takes his coat and leaves the
Then Michelle, Stephanie and Mark walk in...
Michelle: Where is he going ?
Claire T.: Let him go, girls. He needs some time alone to think.
Stephanie: I don't trust this. The last time he ran away like this he came back as the biggest
slob in the world. So I don't think I want to know how he will return this time.
Michelle: We better go after him.
Mark: No, I am responsible for this. I will go after him.
Claire T.: I will go with you. Girls, stay at home. We will find him.
Stephanie: Okay. Good luck.
Mark and Claire leave the house...
Michelle: What a day. I hope this situation will be finished soon.
Stephanie: We can look at the bright site of this.
Michelle: We can ?
Stephanie: Sure. Now dad has his mind somewhere else, there are little changes he will force
us to do the dishes tonight.
Michelle: That's true.
Then DJ, Kimmy and Steve walk in...
DJ: Stephanie, Michelle, where is he ?
DJ: No, our annoying cousin.
Stephanie: Do you think Mark is annoying?
DJ: Yes, Kimmy told me about him.
Stephanie: Well, if Kimmy would take a look in the mirror she would know what annoying is.
Kimmy: Hey, I look in the mirror every day. And then I see my beautiful face.
Stephanie: Try to take a look when your eyes are open.
DJ: Hello! Can somebody tell me what happened ?
Michelle: Yes I can.
DJ: What ?
Michelle: You walked in and asked where he is...
DJ: No, I mean what happened when I was in the back yard.
Michelle: Suddenly there was a boy in our living room, the mysterious mailer. He has a
name, Mark Tanner, and our grandfather is his, but our grandmother is not,
because he has another grandmother but the same grandfather as us.
Steve: Huh ?
DJ: If I get this right, our grandfather Tanner has a grandson from a son that did not have the
same mother as dad ?
Steve: Whoa, this is complicated. Can you write it sown, maybe I understand then.
Kimmy: Steve, even I get it. Mark is the son of.... You're right, this is confusing.
Stephanie: Kimmy, don't you have to go ?
Kimmy: No, why ?
Stephanie: Because there's a shoes sale at the mall.
Kimmy: in that case, I have to go, bye.
DJ: How did dad take this ?
Michelle: He ran out of the house. Grandma and Mark are after him.
DJ: If dad does something to himself, I will blame that Mark for it.
Michelle: DJ, it's not his fault, it's grandfather's. Mark lost his father, doesn't know where
his mother is and he was looking for the only family he had left. And I think he's a
Stephanie: Me too. And he's hansom. But...he also is my cousin. Why does this happen to
DJ: I hope they find dad.
Steve: Me too. I just love his baked potatoes with tomato-sauce.
DJ: And that's the only reason why you miss him ?
Steve: No, of course not. I also love his fried chicken. And of course, your father himself.
Danny has arrived on a mountain, where he has a good sight....
Danny: (Talking to himself) Why did this all happen ? I wish I had known this before. My
own parents had a secret for me. Why ? What will I do ? (He walks to the edge of
the plateau he is standing on)
Mark: No, don't jump. There are other ways to solve this.
Danny: (Turning around) I wasn't up to jump, I was only looking at the dust on the rocks.
How did you find me ?
Mark: Easy, we just followed your car. Uncle Danny, we have to talk. I realize I caused all
this trouble. I really didn't want this. If I had known it would be such a shock to you, I
would have told it more carefully.
Danny: Hey, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I am only confused of the lies and the
secrets of my parents.
Claire T.: (Walking to Danny) Like I said before, I'm sorry. But I was afraid you would
hate your father for that.
Danny: That really wasn't necessary, mom. I haven't had contact with him for more than ten
years now. He didn't contact me to ask how I'm doing or to say how he is doing.
Mark: Well, I have a secret for the both of you. I know how he is doing and where he is at
the moment. You see, I had contact with him, but I really can't go to him.
Danny: Why not ?
didn't want to be remembered to all the things that happened here so he decided to
leave. The last time I spoke to him was when he called to condole me with my father,
his own son. (he starts crying) he didn't take any troubles getting here to be at the
funeral. He only called and wished me good luck with the rest of my life. From that
moment I didn't speak to him again.
Claire T.: I'm sorry, Mark. (She puts his head on her shoulder)
Danny: Me too. Now I understand why you came here, you want to have a family.
Mark: Yes, I wanted to spend Christmas with my family, but I just couldn't. I didn't want to
tell all of this back then. I knew it would spoil your Christmas and I didn't want to do
Danny: Mark, if you want to talk about anything, I'll be there for you.
Mark: Thanks. Is there any chance you have a room left for me ?
Danny: No, but Michelle could go back to Stephanie's room.
Claire T.: I have a better idea. Mark, why don't you come life with me. I have plenty room in
my apartment. And if you want, I can be your grandmother.
Mark: Really ? Thank you, you are so nice to me.
Danny: You are always welcome to come by if you like to.
Claire T.: And I will be happy to have some company around me.
Danny: But there's only one thing you have to do now.
Mark: What ?
Danny: We have to hug. That's a family tradition.
Mark: Well, it's not nice to break with a tradition.
The three have a hug...
At the Elvis commitment, we find the Katsopolis family...
Jesse: (With a smile on his face) We are there boys, the one and only Commitment Of
Young Elvis Lovers.
Nicky: Daddy, how can we love somebody that we never knew ?
Jesse: Well, you hear his records and love them, and everything you need to know about him
is in my head.
Alex: Everything ?
Alex: Okay. What was his favorite ice cream ?
Jesse: Is that a serious question ?
Nicky: Yes it is. We can't love somebody with a bad taste.
Becky: Good point. So tell us Jesse, what was his favorite ice cream ?
Jesse: Do you think I don't know that ?
Nicky + Alex: Yes we do.
Jesse: Well, I don't. That means I do know what it was.
Nicky: Yeah right!
Jesse: Yes, it was strawberry-banana.
Alex: And chocolate taste ?
Jesse: I think he liked that too.
Nicky: You think ?
Jesse: Al right, I don't know everything, but hey, this was no relevant question.
Alex: (Watching the room they entered..) Daddy, why are there no other kids around here?
Jesse: Well, I'll tell you, that's because you're the only members.
Becky: They are the only members ?
Jesse: Yes they are. You see, this commitment is founded some weeks ago and there are not
many people who now about it.
Then a man dressed like Elvis walks in...
Commitment leader: Welcome, boys. Are you ready for some Elvis ?
Nicky: Daddy, can we go away ? This man is scaring me.
Alex: Yes, me too.
Becky: Me too. Jesse, we are out of here.
They walk away, Jesse follows them reluctantly...
Jesse: Boys, why are you scared of this man ? Don't tell me you don't like Elvis.
Alex: We don't say we don't like him, but we just don't want to be in touch with him all the
time. If we want to know something, we just ask you. And mummy, when we want to
wear a tutu, we will give a dress up party.
Becky: Well Jesse, I guess they made their point.
Jesse: You're right. Becky, I'm sorry we had this argument.
Becky: Me too.
Alex: Mummy, daddy, we want to ask you something.
Jesse: Say it, son.
Nicky: We want to join a baseball-team. Can we ?
Jesse: I don't have any troubles with that, you Rebecca ?
Becky: No, of course not. If you want that, you can.
Nicky: Yippee! Thank you.
Jesse: Well, you're old enough to make some decisions of your own. We're sorry we
pushed you to do what we wanted you to do.
Alex: It's okay with us.
Nicky: You can make it up.
Becky: Let me guess, you want ice cream.
Nicky: No, we want a milk shake.
Becky: Wow, that's a big change, boys.
Alex: But we are ready for changes, we are seven years old now.
DJ, Steve and Michelle are in the living room, when Danny, his mother and Mark arrive...
DJ: Dad. Thank god you're here. Are you al right ?
Danny: Yes. I have thought things over. And I had a good talk with Mark.
Michelle: About what ?
Mark: About the past and about the future. I have decided to stay in San Francisco.
DJ: Why? Why don't you go back...
Danny: DJ, what's wrong with you ?
DJ: I'll tell you what's wrong with me. He comes here out of nothing and dad is upset by his
appearance. He just brings bad luck.
Mark: Hey, I can understand your feelings, but see it from my side. I was alone in Chicago,
had no family left there. What would you do ? Just stay alone, or search for your
Danny: Deej, you can't blame him for what happened. One day I would have known the
Tanner secret, told by mark or somebody else.
DJ: I know. I was just so worried about you. I thought you wanted to do something to
yourself. I'm sorry, Mark, dad.
Mark: It's al right. You know, I was pretty scared my self when I saw him standing at the
edge of that mountain. But the only thing he was regretting was the fact he had
forgotten his vacuum cleaner.
DJ: That's my dad.
Steve: Always cleaning.
Michelle: Welcome in the family, Mark.
Then the door opens and Joey and Roxy walks in. Joey stumbles to the couch and sits down...
Joey: Ow, this doesn't feel comfortable.
Danny: I know, we have this couch for about fifteen years now, but I won't buy a new one.
Joey: (Talking with a painful tone in his voice) No, it's not that.
Roxy: He was picking me up from my ballet class and he joined us for a short while.
Joey: And I have one tip for you. Don't try to do a split when your muscles are not trained to
do that. It hurts.
Steve: Well, I tried once.
DJ: You did ?
Steve: Yes I did.
DJ: And what happened?
Steve: Nothing. I couldn't get my legs out of each other.
Joey: Lucky you.
Danny: Mark, mom, do you stay for diner ?
Claire T.: What do we eat ?
Danny: Whatever they have cooked.
DJ: You mean us ?
Steve: We didn't cook anything, we were dusting the back yard.
Danny: Why didn't you use the vacuum cleaner ? That goes much quicker.
DJ: We will keep that in kind for the next time.
Michelle: Well, what will we eat ?
Danny: I guess we have to call the pizzaman.
Steve: Not Guido's Pizza's, please.
DJ: Why not ?
Steve: Well, I have a bill outstanding there. And they won't deliver something here till the bill
has been paid.
Mark: Why don't you call the Mac ?
Michelle: Do they deliver ?
Mark: Yes, in Chicago they did.
Roxy: Yes, I've heard of it too.
Joey: Can somebody get me some ice cubes ?
Joey: Do me the big ones please, in a towel.
DJ: Do you prefer a taste ?
Joey: A taste ?
DJ: Yes, hot water taste, cold water taste, mud taste.
Danny: Mud ?
DJ: Yes, Nicky and Alex have been playing...
Joey: Can you please stop?
DJ: So you don't want ice cubes anymore ?
Joey: No, it's only I want them before tomorrow.
DJ: Okay. (She walks into the kitchen)
Then the Katsopolis family walks in...
Jesse: Hello, you all.
Mark: Howdy dude!
Jesse: Who are you ?
Mark: I'm me, that means I'm who I am and nobody else.
Jesse: And who is ‘me' ?
Mark: I don't know, you didn't say your name yet. I am Mark, nice to meet you.
Jesse: I'm Jesse.
Danny: We have something to explain, but it's a long story.
Nicky: We have been to our club.
Michelle: And, how was the ballet class ?
Alex + Nicky: Boring!
Alex: We had to wear a skirt and we also had to walk strangely.
Becky: I already tried to explain them that's only for the girls, but they don't listen.
Nicky: And later there was a very strange man, he scared us.
Joey: But you have seen your dad before, haven't you?
Jesse: (Ironic) Ha ha. How funny.
Then DJ walks in, with Stephanie...
DJ: Here's your ice, Joey.
Joey: Thank you. (he takes the ice from DJ and puts in on his left thigh) Ah, it's cold.
DJ: That's why it's called ice.
Stephanie: Diner is ready.
Danny: Did you cook ?
Stephanie: Somebody had to do it.
Steve: What are we eating, I'm hungry.
Michelle: Steve, you're using a tautology.
Stephanie: It's chicken soup.
Danny: But we don't have any chicken in the house.
Stephanie: Well, it's chicken soup, without chicken.
Alex: Hey, we were telling something.
Mark: Yeah, listen to these boys.
Nicky: Thank you. We have found a new club.
Michelle: What club ?
Nicky: We joined a baseball club.
Mark: Cool. I was on a baseball team once.
Becky: What was your function in the team ?
Mark: I had the most important function of the team.
Stephanie: Pitcher ? (She walks into the kitchen)
Mark: No, I was selling popcorn to the audience.
Steve: Now that's what I call an important function.
Alex: I have hit a ball.
Nicky: I catched it.
Danny: (To Jesse and Becky,) Who of you made this decision ?
Becky: The boys did. I believe this is one of the first times they make a decision like this by
their own. All the other things were decided by Jesse and me. The nursery school,
Jesse: They are really growing up.
Stephanie: (Walking from the kitchen into the living room) Can somebody order some
pizza ? Comet has drunk the soup.
Danny: No, I've got a better idea. Let's all go to a restaurant.
Joey: Hey, I'm injured, remember ?
Danny: Okay, you'll' get an extra desert.
Joey: (Jumping out of the couch) Okay, what are we waiting for ?
Mark: What restaurant do we go to ?
Danny: What do you like to eat ?
Mark: Wiener Schnitzel. I have been in Austria, Europe once with my dad, it's really
Danny: I don't think there's a restaurant serving that in town.
Mark: Well, then I like spaghetti.
Claire T.: Good idea, let's go to an Italian restaurant.
Steve: Hey, but remember, not to Guido's pizza's please...
All walk out of the door.....
Full House - The new stories
Episode 8 (200)- The Tanner Secret
Becky and Jesse have an argument because they both signed the boys up for a club. Danny gets shocked when he discovers a secret of his father, when suddenly his unknown nephew Mark stands in front of him...