Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 9
Episode (23) 215 - Diet Of The Brains
We find Stephanie and the twins in the kitchen...
Nicky: Comet can do a trick.
Alex: He can count.
Stephanie: No way boys. I know, he's a smart dog, but he can not count.
Alex: Wanna bet ?
Nicky: Watch this.
Then Kimmy walks in...
Kimmy: Hi boys, hi blondie!
Stephanie: Hello, zombie.
Kimmy: Is Deej around here ?
Stephanie: No, she's shopping with Steve.
Alex: Hey, we were going to show a trick.
Nicky: Okay. Comet, how much is four times zero ?
Comet keeps quiet...
Kimmy: Gee,, that dog is stupid. Everybody knows that four times zero is twelve.
Nicky: No, Comet was right, it's zero, so he didn't say anything.
Kimmy: Four times zero is zero ? Are you sure ?
Alex: Yes we are.
Nicky: Okay, Comet, how much is 1 times two minus one ?
Comet barks once...
Kimmy: No way, that's not one. That's fifteen.
Alex: Are you serious ?
Kimmy: Yes I am, I learned how to count at school.
Nicky: You are dumb.
Stephanie: No Nicky, she is not dumb. She's just brainless.
Kimmy: Thanks. Well, bye kiddo's
Alex: How did she ver pass school ?
Stephanie: I don't know, I guess she blackmailed her teachers by saying she would take off her
shoes if she would fail.
Nicky: I guess I would let her pass then.
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We find Danny sitting in the living room when Gia and Stephanie walk in...
Stephanie: Hi dad.
Gia: Hi Mr. Tanner.
Danny: Hi girls.
Stephanie: Dad, can Gia and her mother have diner here tonight ?
Gia: We're getting a brand new kitchen, so my mother can't cook.
Danny: Sure, no problem.
Stephanie: Great. And you know what, we will cook.
Gia: We will ?
Stephanie: Yes we will, remember ?
Gia: No, I don't rem...
Stephanie: Too bad for you.
Gia: Gee, you're hard...
Stephanie and Gia walk up the stairs. Then Michelle walks in...
Michelle: Hi dad. Can I have 20 bucks ?
Michelle: 10 ?
Danny: That depends.
Michelle: on what ?
Danny: What you need it for and what you're going to do to earn it back.
Michelle: Well, I want to buy a great cd. I already have some of the money for it.
Danny: And how will you earn it back ?
Michelle: (Smiles at Danny) I'm selling my lovely smile.
Danny: No thanks, I already have a whole box full of smiles. No, what about washing my car ?
Michelle: That's not hard. You do that every week.
Danny: I know, and today is the day to do it, and you know what ? Stephanie drove it yesterday.
Michelle: Oh no.
Then Jesse runs into the living room...
Jesse: We've got a big problem Danny. We need your emergency supplies of air freshener.
Danny: Why ?
Jesse: Kimmy hang her socks outside to dry.
Michelle: What's so bad about that ?
Danny: Emergency. I will check it out for you.
We find DJ and Steve at the Mc Donalds...
DJ: Steve, that's your fourth hamburger in five minutes.
Steve: Hey, you ate three too.
DJ: But I'm pregnant, you're not.
Steve: I know, I'm just hungry.
DJ: All the time. You have to do something about it.
Steve: You don't know how hard I have to work to coach the junior baseball players. Yesterday,
when we had a training, I had to run around the field three times.
DJ: Why ?
DJ: But why did you do it ?
Steve: Because he had twisted his ankle, I can't let him run in that condition.
DJ: Steve, I think your eating is getting a problem. Not for me, but for you.
Steve: Why ?
DJ: Well, it's getting an obsession for you to eat. I even think it already is.
Steve: But I like it this way.
DJ: Steve, if eating gets an obsession for you, what else ? Breathing ? Drinking ?
Steve: Breathing ? How could that become an obsession ?
DJ: Easy, you need more and more air, and finally you hire a tank filled with oxygen.
Steve: DJ, this is crazy!
DJ: No, I think you should do something about it.
Steve: Like what, go on a diet ?
DJ: Yes, that would be a solution.
Steve: Well, I once tried that.
DJ: And, what happened ?
Steve: Nothing. After a week I started eating again and I ate all the things I had to miss that week
after that week, so the problem grew.
DJ: Maybe there's another solution.
Steve: Like what ?
DJ: I heard about a psychiatrist who is specialized in this subject.
Steve: No way, I'm not going to see a shrink, I'm not crazy.
DJ: Steve, do it for me, please.
Steve: No Deej.
DJ: (Crying) I knew it, you don't love me, you won't even go to a psychiatrist for me!
Steve: Deej, calm down. People are staring at us.
DJ: So what.
Steve: Okay, if it makes you happy.
DJ: Are you sure ?
Steve: No, but you are.
We find Stephanie and Gia in the kitchen...
Gia: I think this is a great idea. It's such a long time ago they were together alone.
Stephanie: Yeah, they know each other for so many years and still it's not a real relationship.
Gia: But maybe we can change that.
Stephanie: It would be cool. Dad and your mother back together again, you and me, living in the
Gia: I know.
Then Becky walks in...
Becky: Hi girls. Hmm, that smells delicious.
Stephanie: Sorry, this is for dad and his date.
Becky: Danny has a date ?
Gia: Well, he doesn't know yet, but yes.
Becky: With who ?
Gia: With my mom.
Becky: So this is a fix-up ?
Stephanie: I wouldn't call it a fix-up. I would say it's an ultimate try to get to souls together.
Becky: Well, good luck.
Becky walks away...
Gia: A fix-up ? No way.
Stephanie: We already had that part some years ago.
We find Michelle and the wins at Danny's car...
Nicky: Michelle, why are we helping you ?
Alex: And what's in it for us ?
Michelle: Boys, do you really want to have something for everything you do ?
Alex: Only if we want to.
Michelle: And I guess this is one of those times, huh ?
Michelle: But boys, you will already be filled with joy working with me.
Nicky: I know.
Alex: Because we can have a lot of fun.
Michelle: You see, I told you so.
Nicky: But we won't work for nothing.
Michelle: Boys, you are though negotiators. But okay, if you wanna help me, you will get ice-
cream. Strawberry taste.
Alex: What do you think, that we are cheap ?
Nicky: We also want whipped cream on top.
Michelle: okay boys, if that's the way you want it.
Alex: Now we will help you. What do we have to do ?
Michelle: Well, you can clean the couch on the back.
Nicky and Alex get into the car...
Nicky: Double cool!
Michelle: what ? (She opens the car door, when she looks in it, her mouth opens with
amazement) Oh my god.
Alex: Michelle, why is there a bra lying on the couch ?
Michelle: I have no idea. But I think we should hide it before my dad sees it.
Danny: (Walking to the car) before I see what ?
Danny: Well, there is something, I am sure.
Michelle: Okay then, before you should notice that we were waxing the as-trays for you.
Danny: Really ?
Danny: Okay, I will not take more of your time then,. Michelle, honey, I'm so proud of you. This
shows the right education I gave you. (He walks away)
Nicky: That was a close one.
Michelle: You can say that again.
Then Danny walks back...
Danny: Michelle, something isn't right here.
Michelle: What ?
Danny: I waxed the ash-trays last week, so they can't be that bad now.
Michelle: Believe, they are.
Danny: Nicky, what do you have there. Let me see.
Danny takes the bra from Nicky...
Danny: Gee, I hope this is not yours ?
Michelle: They found it in the back.
Danny: Oh my god. Stephanie!
Danny runs away, to the kitchen...
Michelle: Come boys, I don't wanna miss this.
Michelle and the boys follow Danny into the kitchen...
Danny: Stephanie, what do you think if I show you this ?
Stephanie: We are too late with this diner ?
Danny: No. Why was this in my car ?
Danny: You drove my car last Steph, that means your suspected.
Stephanie: But that's not mine.
Danny: Are you sure ?
Stephanie: Don't worry Michelle, I was joking.
Gia: Thank god.
Then Kimmy walks in...
Kimmy: Hi Tannerito's. I noticed you were cleaning the car, did you find... Oh, there it is.
Thanks. (She takes the bra from Danny)
Danny: Kimmy, what is this ?
Danny: No, I mean, why was it in my car ?
Kimmy: Because I forgot it and the door was locked so I couldn't get it.
Danny: What did you do in my car ?
Stephanie: I don't wanna know.
Michelle: The idea about what she did there makes me fill sick.
Kimmy: Well, Duane and I needed some privacy and...
Danny: Kimmy, next time, use your own bedroom.
Kimmy: I couldn't. My parents were having their annual mouse race, and the finish line was in
my room this year.
Danny: Get out of here, before you are finished.
Kimmy: Did you eat something bad today ?
Stephanie: No, but we saw something bad.... You
Kimmy walks away...
Danny: I'm sorry for blaming you, Steph.
Stephanie: it's okay. But now, sit down, Gia's mom is here.
We find Jesse and Joey in the living room...
Joey: Jess, can you help me out here. I'm having trouble with this crossword.
Jesse: Sure, which word don't you know ?
Joey: All of them. Like this. 9:Breznjev Frlokjow..
Jesse: Let me see that. Joey, no wonder you can't do it. Your holding it upside-down.
Joey: Thanks. But I still don't know what's there, even if I turn the crossword.
Jesse: Joey, can it be that this is a foreign language ?
Jesse: By solving a Russian crossword ?
Joey: Hey, it's a start.
Jesse: I know this one. 21: I believe it means great hair.
Joey: How do you know that ?
Jesse: I found a Russian dictionary once, and I wanted to know the most important sentence of
Joey: So this is how you say: not guilty in Russia ?
Jesse: You're nuts.
Joey: Well, I think I'll try an American crossword first now. Uhm, do you know this word ?
Word of denial, two letters ?
Joey: So we both don't know it.
Jesse: I know it.
Joey; Then what's the answer ?
Joey: What do you mean 'no' ? Don't you want to give the answer ?
Jesse: No, the answer is 'no'.
Joey: On what question ?
Jesse: The question in the crossword.
Joey: Oh. Thanks. That was a hard one.
Jesse: Joey, this might sound crazy, but maybe you could start solving puzzles. Staring with 8
Joey: I tried that last week, but I couldn't fit the last piece.
Jesse: Why not ?
Joey; Because I couldn't find it.
In the kitchen, Danny and Claire are having diner...
Danny: You know, I think the girls are trying to fix us up.
Claire: No way. They know we wouldn't fool for that, and besides, they did that last time.
Danny: That's true.
Claire: Well, I had a very pleasant evening Danny.
Danny: Me too. Maybe we should do it again.
Claire: Tomorrow I'm having my new kitchen, maybe you can come for diner at our place.
Danny: I love to.
Claire stands up...
Claire: I have to go now.
Danny: I will get your coat.
Claire: Thank you.
Danny and Claire walk to the front door...
Claire: Gia, are you coming, we're going home.
Gia: Okay. Bye Steph.
Claire: Bye Danny.
Stephanie: Dad, when are you going to kiss her ?
Danny: Kiss her ?
Gia: Yes, see it like the perfect end of the perfect evening.
Claire: I don't think it could do any wrong.
Danny and Claire kiss...
Claire: See you tomorrow.
The next morning we find DJ, Steve and Michelle in the kitchen...
Michelle: Steve, why don't you eat anything ?
Steve: I'm on a diet.
Michelle: get outta here.
DJ: No it's true. He didn't eat anything from last afternoon.
Steve: Deej, are you coming with me to the psychiatrist today ?
Michelle: Psychiatrist ?
DJ: Yes, it seemed the only way to help Steve.
Michelle: Are you sure ?
DJ: This man is specialized in cases like Steve.
Steve: Hey, you're acting like I'm having a big problem now.
DJ: You do. You over eat very much.
Michelle: And you let him see a psychiatrist ? I wonder what that man can do.
Steve: Me too, I mean, without that man I didn't eat for over twelve hours too.
DJ: Because I was watching you.
Steve: Not all the time. I bet you didn't notice me getting some chicken last night.
DJ: Steve, trust me, now I know.
Steve: You do ?
Michelle: Duhhuh, you just told her.
Steve: Too bad.
DJ: But remember Steve, everything is gonna be alright.
DJ walks out of the kitchen....
Michelle: Steve, don't you think she's pushing this too far.
Steve: I do, but I think this has something to do with her pregnancy, so I think it's better to give
her what she wants.
Michelle: Well, good luck at the psychiatrist.
Steve: Ah, no big deal, I don't think he can talk with me for too long.
At the psychiatrist...
Psychiatrist: Steven Hale, let me ask you something. How did this all started ?
Psychiatrist: But when did it become as bad as it is now, did something happen that changed
your life ? Did somebody die, or something ?
Steve: Nobody died. I mean, sure, people died, but only people I don't know.
Steve: About what I will eat next.
Psychiatrist: And don't you ever have the feeling you had enough ?
Steve: No, but my intestines are working on warpspeed.
Psychiatrist: Warpspeed ? can you explain that to me ?
Steve: Don't you know Star Trek ?
Psychiatrist: No, I never watch those nonsense.
Steve: Then what do you watch ?
Psychiatrist: Oh, I like to see specials about Freud, or other great scientists.
Steve: Gee, I guess you have a boring life then.
Psychiatrist: Well, in fact, I think you're right. I am having a boring life.
Steve: Well, if I can give you a tip, start watching other programs on television, go out
Psychiatrist: Thanks doctor, I will keep that in mind. Bye. (He walks away)
Steve: Hey, I'm the patient, you're the doctor.
Psychiatrist: You're right... again. Silly me.
Steve: What can I do about this problem, doc ?
Psychiatrist: Well, try to think about something else when you're eating. Like girls lying on the
beach in their bikini's.
Steve: Hmm, that thought always reminds me of hamburgers.
Psychiatrist: It does ? Well, then you should try just to think that the food is bad for you.
Steve: So I shouldn't eat anymore ?
Psychiatrist: Right. Okay, one more question. Do you buy cookery books every week ?
Steve: No, why ?
Psychiatrist: Because I'm having a very special offer for you then. Every week ten new recipes,
delivered by mail, for only 50 dollars a week.
Steve: And I thought I came here to eat less.
Psychiatrist: Try the recipes and you will.
Some days later we find Steve in the kitchen, when Stephanie and Michelle walk in...
Stephanie: Hi Steve.
Michelle: What are you doing ?
Steve: I'm drinking coffee.
Michelle: Steve, did you start eating yet ?
Steve: I never stopped.
Stephanie: Huh ?
Michelle: it seems like you can change, the way she sees it.
Then DJ walks in...
DJ: Steve, did you eat something today ?
Steve: No I didn't.
DJ: But you didn't eat anything for three days.
Steve: I thought that was what you wanted.
DJ: No, I wanted you to eat less, not to eat nothing.
Steve: Hey, I'm getting used to this now.
DJ: Steve, please eat something. I don't know you like this, this is not you.
Steve: Why ? I'm still Steve.
DJ: No, I mean... How will I say this ?
Michelle: Steph, I have to see this.
Stephanie: Me too. Here, do you want some nacho's ?
Michelle: Sure. This will be fun.
DJ: Stephanie, Michelle, do you mind ?
Stephanie: No, go ahead.
DJ: Out, now!
Michelle: Why can't we see the juicy part ?
Stephanie: Do you know how I think about that ? It's rude!
DJ: Get out, I want to talk to Steve.
Michelle: Okay. We can hear it from the other side of the door.
DJ: Don't you dare, eavesdropping on us.
Stephanie: But DJ, we are your sisters, we would never do that, would we, Michelle ?
Michelle: But Stephanie, of course we don't won't.
DJ: Okay then,.
Stephanie and Michelle walk out of the kitchen...
Michelle: She didn't notice. I said we don't won't, so that means we will..
Stephanie: Clever thinking Michelle.
In the kitchen...
DJ: Steve, this is going too far now.
Steve: But I like myself now.
DJ: Steve, I'm worried about you, could you please start eating again ?
Steve: Why ? I thought eating was an obsession to me. At least that's what you told me.
DJ: I know, I'm sorry. But can you please start eating again ?
Steve: You mean you think it's al tight if you see me eating ?
Steve: Thank god. It was getting harder all the time, eating when you weren't around.
DJ: What ?
Then the door opens...
Michelle: Could you please have short break ? I'm going to make some popcorn.
DJ: Why, are you watching television ?
Michelle: No, even better. We hear everything...
Stephanie: Michelle, popcorn, no talking. I want to know how it ends, and if you talk too long
with DJ, she won't continue.
DJ: O-u-t, out, now!
Michelle: You should try to become a cheerleader.
Stephanie and Michelle leave the kitchen...
DJ: Steve, did you just tell me you ate all these three days ?
Steve: Well, yes.
DJ: Why did you lie to me ?
Steve: I didn't lie to you. You just assumed that I stopped eating, which I didn't.
DJ: So now it's my fault. You were cheating on me and..
Steve: Cheating on you ? I wads doing it for you.
DJ: For me ? Why...
Steve: You are the one that would be happy if I stopped eating that much, and that's what I want,
you to be happy.
DJ: Do you mean that ?
Steve: Yes, I do.
DJ: Oh Steve, I'm so sorry.
Steve: it's okay. I just wanted you to know that me not eating is not me. I can't be changed.
DJ: I know. I guess it's just my pregnancy and the moods it gives me.
Steve: I know. But do you mind if I make a sandwich ?
Then Stephanie walks in..
Stephanie: Could you please go on, we still have some popcorn left.
We find DJ, Joey and Danny in the living room...
DJ: So how did your date go ?
Danny: Date ? It was no date.
Joey: Then how do you call going out with a woman ?
Danny: Okay, maybe it was a date, but there's nothing going on between Claire and me.
Then Steve walks in...
DJ: And, what did the psychiatrist say ?
Steve: I don't have to come back anymore.
DJ: So you're cured ?
Danny: So you will pick up your old life ?
Steve: No. I decided to think of food less than I did before.
Joey: So your brains will go on a diet ?
Steve: You could say it like that.
DJ: And now ?
Steve: Now I'm going to make a sandwich.
Joey: And your brains were on a diet ?
Steve: Well, I wasn't thinking of food actually.
DJ: About what then ?
Steve: About a glass of milk, and milk goes best with a sandwich.
DJ: You will never change, will you ?
Steve walks into the kitchen, as Michelle walks out of it...
Michelle: Dad, you still didn't pay me for cleaning your car.
Danny: Michelle, why is money that important to you ?
Michelle: well, I did a job, and now I want to get paid.
Joey: Michelle, can you do my car too ?
Michelle: That will cost you five bucks.
Danny: Five ? And you wanted...
Michelle: Five, I will pay the other 15 dollars back to you.
DJ: I think we have a real business woman in this house.
Danny: As long as she's not doing this at anybody who doesn't life in this house, I won't say
anything about it.
Michelle: I did it with Kimmy today. I cleaned her bike.
Danny: Michelle, why do you want to earn money from other people too ?
Michelle: Don't worry, I charged her double.
Danny: Okay, then it's alright, but only this time.
Michelle: I'm going to the mall, I really want that cd.
Michelle leaves the living room...
Later, we find Stephanie in her room when Danny walks in...
Stephanie: Hi dad. Are you doing anything tonight ?
Danny: Why ? Did you arrange something again ?
Stephanie: Gee, nothing gets by you, does it ?
Danny: Stephanie, why are you doing this ?
Stephanie: well, you are still single after mom died. I want you to be happy again. And Claire
and you make such a great couple.
Danny: But Stephanie, I am happy. I'm healthy, and I have three great daughters.
Stephanie: So you think I' over-doing it ?
Danny: A little. But it's good to know that you care about me that much. Of course, I already
knew. But two diners, three movies, and a day in the zoo don't make any difference.
Claire and I are still good friends, and we don't want it to be other wise.
Stephanie: And that kiss last week, didn't that mean anything ?
Danny: We did that because you pushed us. And I'm sure you arranged something great for us
today, but I don't think I will do it. By the way, what was it, bungee-jumping ?
Stephanie: No, that's tomorrow. Today you would go to a concert. Of Stevie Wonder.
Danny: Stevie Wonder, but that concert was sold out.
Stephanie: Well, I guess I can sell the tickets with a huge profit...
Danny: Maybe I can make one exception.
Stephanie: Have a fun night dad.
Danny: And no more fix-up after tonight, al right ?
Stephanie: Okay. But I just want you to know that I really hope that you will find somebody
Danny: Thank you, sweetheart. I will, I will.
Danny and Stephanie hug...
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Full House - The new stories
DJ wants Steve to eat less, so she sends him to a psychiatrist. Stephanie tries to fix-up Danny and Claire, Gia's mother.