Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 9

Episode (23) 215 - Diet Of The Brains


We find Stephanie and the twins in the kitchen...

Nicky: Comet can do a trick.

Alex: He can count.

Stephanie: No way boys. I know, he's a smart dog, but he can not count.

Alex: Wanna bet ?

Nicky: Watch this.

Then Kimmy walks in...

Kimmy: Hi boys, hi blondie!

Stephanie: Hello, zombie.

Kimmy: Is Deej around here ?

Stephanie: No, she's shopping with Steve.

Alex: Hey, we were going to show a trick.

Nicky: Okay. Comet, how much is four times zero ?

Comet keeps quiet...

Kimmy: Gee,, that dog is stupid. Everybody knows that four times zero is twelve.

Nicky: No, Comet was right, it's zero, so he didn't say anything.

Kimmy: Four times zero is zero ? Are you sure ?

Alex: Yes we are.

Nicky: Okay, Comet, how much is 1 times two minus one ?

Comet barks once...

Kimmy: No way, that's not one. That's fifteen.

Alex: Are you serious ?

Kimmy: Yes I am, I learned how to count at school.

Nicky: You are dumb.

Stephanie: No Nicky, she is not dumb. She's just brainless.

Kimmy: Thanks. Well, bye kiddo's

Alex: How did she ver pass school ?

Stephanie: I don't know, I guess she blackmailed her teachers by saying she would take off her

shoes if she would fail.

Nicky: I guess I would let her pass then.

--------------------------------------------------- INTRO -----------------------------------------------------------------

We find Danny sitting in the living room when Gia and Stephanie walk in...

Stephanie: Hi dad.

Gia: Hi Mr. Tanner.

Danny: Hi girls.

Stephanie: Dad, can Gia and her mother have diner here tonight ?

Gia: We're getting a brand new kitchen, so my mother can't cook.

Danny: Sure, no problem.

Stephanie: Great. And you know what, we will cook.

Gia: We will ?

Stephanie: Yes we will, remember ?

Gia: No, I don't rem...

Stephanie: Too bad for you.

Gia: Gee, you're hard...

Stephanie and Gia walk up the stairs. Then Michelle walks in...

Michelle: Hi dad. Can I have 20 bucks ?

Danny: No.

Michelle: 10 ?

Danny: That depends.

Michelle: on what ?

Danny: What you need it for and what you're going to do to earn it back.

Michelle: Well, I want to buy a great cd. I already have some of the money for it.

Danny: And how will you earn it back ?

Michelle: (Smiles at Danny) I'm selling my lovely smile.

Danny: No thanks, I already have a whole box full of smiles. No, what about washing my car ?

Michelle: That's not hard. You do that every week.

Danny: I know, and today is the day to do it, and you know what ? Stephanie drove it yesterday.

Michelle: Oh no.

Then Jesse runs into the living room...

Jesse: We've got a big problem Danny. We need your emergency supplies of air freshener.

Danny: Why ?

Jesse: Kimmy hang her socks outside to dry.

Michelle: What's so bad about that ?
Jesse: Well, as it smells, she didn't wash them first.

Danny: Emergency. I will check it out for you.

We find DJ and Steve at the Mc Donalds...

DJ: Steve, that's your fourth hamburger in five minutes.

Steve: Hey, you ate three too.

DJ: But I'm pregnant, you're not.

Steve: I know, I'm just hungry.

DJ: All the time. You have to do something about it.

Steve: You don't know how hard I have to work to coach the junior baseball players. Yesterday,

when we had a training, I had to run around the field three times.

DJ: Why ?
Steve: Because I punished somebody and told him to do that.

DJ: But why did you do it ?

Steve: Because he had twisted his ankle, I can't let him run in that condition.

DJ: Steve, I think your eating is getting a problem. Not for me, but for you.

Steve: Why ?

DJ: Well, it's getting an obsession for you to eat. I even think it already is.

Steve: But I like it this way.

DJ: Steve, if eating gets an obsession for you, what else ? Breathing ? Drinking ?

Steve: Breathing ? How could that become an obsession ?

DJ: Easy, you need more and more air, and finally you hire a tank filled with oxygen.

Steve: DJ, this is crazy!

DJ: No, I think you should do something about it.

Steve: Like what, go on a diet ?

DJ: Yes, that would be a solution.

Steve: Well, I once tried that.

DJ: And, what happened ?

Steve: Nothing. After a week I started eating again and I ate all the things I had to miss that week

after that week, so the problem grew.

DJ: Maybe there's another solution.

Steve: Like what ?

DJ: I heard about a psychiatrist who is specialized in this subject.

Steve: No way, I'm not going to see a shrink, I'm not crazy.

DJ: Steve, do it for me, please.

Steve: No Deej.

DJ: (Crying) I knew it, you don't love me, you won't even go to a psychiatrist for me!

Steve: Deej, calm down. People are staring at us.

DJ: So what.

Steve: Okay, if it makes you happy.

DJ: Are you sure ?

Steve: No, but you are.

We find Stephanie and Gia in the kitchen...

Gia: I think this is a great idea. It's such a long time ago they were together alone.

Stephanie: Yeah, they know each other for so many years and still it's not a real relationship.

Gia: But maybe we can change that.

Stephanie: It would be cool. Dad and your mother back together again, you and me, living in the

same house.

Gia: I know.

Then Becky walks in...

Becky: Hi girls. Hmm, that smells delicious.

Stephanie: Sorry, this is for dad and his date.

Becky: Danny has a date ?

Gia: Well, he doesn't know yet, but yes.

Becky: With who ?

Gia: With my mom.

Becky: So this is a fix-up ?

Stephanie: I wouldn't call it a fix-up. I would say it's an ultimate try to get to souls together.

Becky: Well, good luck.

Becky walks away...

Gia: A fix-up ? No way.

Stephanie: We already had that part some years ago.

We find Michelle and the wins at Danny's car...

Nicky: Michelle, why are we helping you ?
Michelle: because I will earn a cd then.

Alex: And what's in it for us ?

Michelle: Boys, do you really want to have something for everything you do ?

Alex: Only if we want to.

Michelle: And I guess this is one of those times, huh ?

Nicky: Right.

Michelle: But boys, you will already be filled with joy working with me.

Nicky: I know.

Alex: Because we can have a lot of fun.

Michelle: You see, I told you so.

Nicky: But we won't work for nothing.

Michelle: Boys, you are though negotiators. But okay, if you wanna help me, you will get ice-

cream. Strawberry taste.

Alex: What do you think, that we are cheap ?

Nicky: We also want whipped cream on top.

Michelle: okay boys, if that's the way you want it.

Alex: Now we will help you. What do we have to do ?

Michelle: Well, you can clean the couch on the back.

Nicky: Okay.

Nicky and Alex get into the car...

Alex: Cool!

Nicky: Double cool!

Michelle: what ? (She opens the car door, when she looks in it, her mouth opens with

amazement) Oh my god.

Alex: Michelle, why is there a bra lying on the couch ?

Michelle: I have no idea. But I think we should hide it before my dad sees it.

Danny: (Walking to the car) before I see what ?
Michelle: Well, ehm.. nothing.

Danny: Well, there is something, I am sure.

Michelle: Okay then, before you should notice that we were waxing the as-trays for you.

Danny: Really ?
Alex: Yes.

Nicky: Certainly.

Danny: Okay, I will not take more of your time then,. Michelle, honey, I'm so proud of you. This

shows the right education I gave you. (He walks away)

Nicky: That was a close one.

Michelle: You can say that again.

Then Danny walks back...

Danny: Michelle, something isn't right here.

Michelle: What ?

Danny: I waxed the ash-trays last week, so they can't be that bad now.

Michelle: Believe, they are.

Danny: Nicky, what do you have there. Let me see.

Danny takes the bra from Nicky...

Danny: Gee, I hope this is not yours ?

Michelle: They found it in the back.

Danny: Oh my god. Stephanie!

Danny runs away, to the kitchen...

Michelle: Come boys, I don't wanna miss this.

Michelle and the boys follow Danny into the kitchen...

Danny: Stephanie, what do you think if I show you this ?

Stephanie: We are too late with this diner ?

Danny: No. Why was this in my car ?
Stephanie: I don't know who your driving with.

Danny: You drove my car last Steph, that means your suspected.

Stephanie: But that's not mine.

Danny: Are you sure ?
Stephanie: Let me smell, then I'll tell you who the owner is.

Michelle: Uhw!

Stephanie: Don't worry Michelle, I was joking.

Gia: Thank god.

Then Kimmy walks in...

Kimmy: Hi Tannerito's. I noticed you were cleaning the car, did you find... Oh, there it is.

Thanks. (She takes the bra from Danny)

Danny: Kimmy, what is this ?
Kimmy: A bra, even I know that.

Danny: No, I mean, why was it in my car ?

Kimmy: Because I forgot it and the door was locked so I couldn't get it.

Danny: What did you do in my car ?

Stephanie: I don't wanna know.

Michelle: The idea about what she did there makes me fill sick.

Kimmy: Well, Duane and I needed some privacy and...

Danny: Kimmy, next time, use your own bedroom.

Kimmy: I couldn't. My parents were having their annual mouse race, and the finish line was in

my room this year.

Danny: Get out of here, before you are finished.

Kimmy: Did you eat something bad today ?

Stephanie: No, but we saw something bad.... You

Kimmy walks away...

Danny: I'm sorry for blaming you, Steph.

Stephanie: it's okay. But now, sit down, Gia's mom is here.

We find Jesse and Joey in the living room...

Joey: Jess, can you help me out here. I'm having trouble with this crossword.

Jesse: Sure, which word don't you know ?

Joey: All of them. Like this. 9:Breznjev Frlokjow..

Jesse: Let me see that. Joey, no wonder you can't do it. Your holding it upside-down.

Joey: Thanks. But I still don't know what's there, even if I turn the crossword.

Jesse: Joey, can it be that this is a foreign language ?
Joey: That's very possible, yes. It's Russian, I wanted to study a foreign language.

Jesse: By solving a Russian crossword ?

Joey: Hey, it's a start.

Jesse: I know this one. 21: I believe it means great hair.

Joey: How do you know that ?

Jesse: I found a Russian dictionary once, and I wanted to know the most important sentence of


Joey: So this is how you say: not guilty in Russia ?

Jesse: You're nuts.

Joey: Well, I think I'll try an American crossword first now. Uhm, do you know this word ?

Word of denial, two letters ?

Jesse: No.

Joey: So we both don't know it.

Jesse: I know it.

Joey; Then what's the answer ?

Jesse: No.

Joey: What do you mean 'no' ? Don't you want to give the answer ?

Jesse: No, the answer is 'no'.

Joey: On what question ?

Jesse: The question in the crossword.

Joey: Oh. Thanks. That was a hard one.

Jesse: Joey, this might sound crazy, but maybe you could start solving puzzles. Staring with 8


Joey: I tried that last week, but I couldn't fit the last piece.

Jesse: Why not ?

Joey; Because I couldn't find it.

In the kitchen, Danny and Claire are having diner...

Danny: You know, I think the girls are trying to fix us up.

Claire: No way. They know we wouldn't fool for that, and besides, they did that last time.

Danny: That's true.

Claire: Well, I had a very pleasant evening Danny.

Danny: Me too. Maybe we should do it again.

Claire: Tomorrow I'm having my new kitchen, maybe you can come for diner at our place.

Danny: I love to.

Claire stands up...

Claire: I have to go now.

Danny: I will get your coat.

Claire: Thank you.

Danny and Claire walk to the front door...

Claire: Gia, are you coming, we're going home.

Gia: Okay. Bye Steph.

Stephanie: Bye.

Claire: Bye Danny.

Stephanie: Dad, when are you going to kiss her ?

Danny: Kiss her ?

Gia: Yes, see it like the perfect end of the perfect evening.

Claire: I don't think it could do any wrong.

Danny and Claire kiss...

Claire: See you tomorrow.

Danny: Bye.

The next morning we find DJ, Steve and Michelle in the kitchen...

Michelle: Steve, why don't you eat anything ?

Steve: I'm on a diet.

Michelle: get outta here.

DJ: No it's true. He didn't eat anything from last afternoon.

Steve: Deej, are you coming with me to the psychiatrist today ?

Michelle: Psychiatrist ?

DJ: Yes, it seemed the only way to help Steve.

Michelle: Are you sure ?

DJ: This man is specialized in cases like Steve.

Steve: Hey, you're acting like I'm having a big problem now.

DJ: You do. You over eat very much.

Michelle: And you let him see a psychiatrist ? I wonder what that man can do.

Steve: Me too, I mean, without that man I didn't eat for over twelve hours too.

DJ: Because I was watching you.

Steve: Not all the time. I bet you didn't notice me getting some chicken last night.

DJ: Steve, trust me, now I know.

Steve: You do ?

Michelle: Duhhuh, you just told her.

Steve: Too bad.

DJ: But remember Steve, everything is gonna be alright.

DJ walks out of the kitchen....

Michelle: Steve, don't you think she's pushing this too far.

Steve: I do, but I think this has something to do with her pregnancy, so I think it's better to give

her what she wants.

Michelle: Well, good luck at the psychiatrist.

Steve: Ah, no big deal, I don't think he can talk with me for too long.

At the psychiatrist...

Psychiatrist: Steven Hale, let me ask you something. How did this all started ?
Steve: Well, I guess I ate this much all my life.

Psychiatrist: But when did it become as bad as it is now, did something happen that changed

your life ? Did somebody die, or something ?

Steve: Nobody died. I mean, sure, people died, but only people I don't know.
Psychiatrist: And what do you think about when you're eating ?

Steve: About what I will eat next.

Psychiatrist: And don't you ever have the feeling you had enough ?

Steve: No, but my intestines are working on warpspeed.

Psychiatrist: Warpspeed ? can you explain that to me ?

Steve: Don't you know Star Trek ?

Psychiatrist: No, I never watch those nonsense.

Steve: Then what do you watch ?

Psychiatrist: Oh, I like to see specials about Freud, or other great scientists.

Steve: Gee, I guess you have a boring life then.

Psychiatrist: Well, in fact, I think you're right. I am having a boring life.

Steve: Well, if I can give you a tip, start watching other programs on television, go out


Psychiatrist: Thanks doctor, I will keep that in mind. Bye. (He walks away)

Steve: Hey, I'm the patient, you're the doctor.

Psychiatrist: You're right... again. Silly me.

Steve: What can I do about this problem, doc ?

Psychiatrist: Well, try to think about something else when you're eating. Like girls lying on the

beach in their bikini's.

Steve: Hmm, that thought always reminds me of hamburgers.

Psychiatrist: It does ? Well, then you should try just to think that the food is bad for you.

Steve: So I shouldn't eat anymore ?

Psychiatrist: Right. Okay, one more question. Do you buy cookery books every week ?

Steve: No, why ?

Psychiatrist: Because I'm having a very special offer for you then. Every week ten new recipes,

delivered by mail, for only 50 dollars a week.

Steve: And I thought I came here to eat less.

Psychiatrist: Try the recipes and you will.

Some days later we find Steve in the kitchen, when Stephanie and Michelle walk in...

Stephanie: Hi Steve.

Michelle: What are you doing ?

Steve: I'm drinking coffee.

Michelle: Steve, did you start eating yet ?

Steve: I never stopped.

Stephanie: Huh ?
Steve: I'm just doing this to let DJ know that I can't change.

Michelle: it seems like you can change, the way she sees it.

Then DJ walks in...

DJ: Steve, did you eat something today ?

Steve: No I didn't.

DJ: But you didn't eat anything for three days.

Steve: I thought that was what you wanted.

DJ: No, I wanted you to eat less, not to eat nothing.

Steve: Hey, I'm getting used to this now.

DJ: Steve, please eat something. I don't know you like this, this is not you.

Steve: Why ? I'm still Steve.

DJ: No, I mean... How will I say this ?

Michelle: Steph, I have to see this.

Stephanie: Me too. Here, do you want some nacho's ?

Michelle: Sure. This will be fun.

DJ: Stephanie, Michelle, do you mind ?

Stephanie: No, go ahead.

DJ: Out, now!

Michelle: Why can't we see the juicy part ?

Stephanie: Do you know how I think about that ? It's rude!

DJ: Get out, I want to talk to Steve.

Michelle: Okay. We can hear it from the other side of the door.

DJ: Don't you dare, eavesdropping on us.

Stephanie: But DJ, we are your sisters, we would never do that, would we, Michelle ?

Michelle: But Stephanie, of course we don't won't.

DJ: Okay then,.

Stephanie and Michelle walk out of the kitchen...

Michelle: She didn't notice. I said we don't won't, so that means we will..

Stephanie: Clever thinking Michelle.

In the kitchen...

DJ: Steve, this is going too far now.

Steve: But I like myself now.

DJ: Steve, I'm worried about you, could you please start eating again ?

Steve: Why ? I thought eating was an obsession to me. At least that's what you told me.

DJ: I know, I'm sorry. But can you please start eating again ?

Steve: You mean you think it's al tight if you see me eating ?

DJ: yes.

Steve: Thank god. It was getting harder all the time, eating when you weren't around.

DJ: What ?

Then the door opens...

Michelle: Could you please have short break ? I'm going to make some popcorn.

DJ: Why, are you watching television ?

Michelle: No, even better. We hear everything...

Stephanie: Michelle, popcorn, no talking. I want to know how it ends, and if you talk too long

with DJ, she won't continue.

DJ: O-u-t, out, now!

Michelle: You should try to become a cheerleader.

Stephanie and Michelle leave the kitchen...

DJ: Steve, did you just tell me you ate all these three days ?

Steve: Well, yes.

DJ: Why did you lie to me ?

Steve: I didn't lie to you. You just assumed that I stopped eating, which I didn't.

DJ: So now it's my fault. You were cheating on me and..

Steve: Cheating on you ? I wads doing it for you.

DJ: For me ? Why...

Steve: You are the one that would be happy if I stopped eating that much, and that's what I want,

you to be happy.

DJ: Do you mean that ?

Steve: Yes, I do.

DJ: Oh Steve, I'm so sorry.

Steve: it's okay. I just wanted you to know that me not eating is not me. I can't be changed.

DJ: I know. I guess it's just my pregnancy and the moods it gives me.

Steve: I know. But do you mind if I make a sandwich ?
DJ: Sure, go ahead.

Then Stephanie walks in..

Stephanie: Could you please go on, we still have some popcorn left.

We find DJ, Joey and Danny in the living room...

DJ: So how did your date go ?

Danny: Date ? It was no date.

Joey: Then how do you call going out with a woman ?

Danny: Okay, maybe it was a date, but there's nothing going on between Claire and me.

Then Steve walks in...

DJ: And, what did the psychiatrist say ?

Steve: I don't have to come back anymore.

DJ: So you're cured ?
Steve: Well, we made some progress. And he thinks it's useless for me to go on.

Danny: So you will pick up your old life ?

Steve: No. I decided to think of food less than I did before.

Joey: So your brains will go on a diet ?

Steve: You could say it like that.

DJ: And now ?

Steve: Now I'm going to make a sandwich.

Joey: And your brains were on a diet ?

Steve: Well, I wasn't thinking of food actually.

DJ: About what then ?

Steve: About a glass of milk, and milk goes best with a sandwich.

DJ: You will never change, will you ?

Steve walks into the kitchen, as Michelle walks out of it...

Michelle: Dad, you still didn't pay me for cleaning your car.

Danny: Michelle, why is money that important to you ?

Michelle: well, I did a job, and now I want to get paid.

Joey: Michelle, can you do my car too ?

Michelle: That will cost you five bucks.

Danny: Five ? And you wanted...

Michelle: Five, I will pay the other 15 dollars back to you.

DJ: I think we have a real business woman in this house.

Danny: As long as she's not doing this at anybody who doesn't life in this house, I won't say

anything about it.

Michelle: I did it with Kimmy today. I cleaned her bike.

Danny: Michelle, why do you want to earn money from other people too ?

Michelle: Don't worry, I charged her double.

Danny: Okay, then it's alright, but only this time.

Michelle: I'm going to the mall, I really want that cd.

Michelle leaves the living room...

Later, we find Stephanie in her room when Danny walks in...

Stephanie: Hi dad. Are you doing anything tonight ?

Danny: Why ? Did you arrange something again ?

Stephanie: Gee, nothing gets by you, does it ?

Danny: Stephanie, why are you doing this ?

Stephanie: well, you are still single after mom died. I want you to be happy again. And Claire

and you make such a great couple.

Danny: But Stephanie, I am happy. I'm healthy, and I have three great daughters.

Stephanie: So you think I' over-doing it ?

Danny: A little. But it's good to know that you care about me that much. Of course, I already

knew. But two diners, three movies, and a day in the zoo don't make any difference.

Claire and I are still good friends, and we don't want it to be other wise.

Stephanie: And that kiss last week, didn't that mean anything ?

Danny: We did that because you pushed us. And I'm sure you arranged something great for us

today, but I don't think I will do it. By the way, what was it, bungee-jumping ?

Stephanie: No, that's tomorrow. Today you would go to a concert. Of Stevie Wonder.

Danny: Stevie Wonder, but that concert was sold out.

Stephanie: Well, I guess I can sell the tickets with a huge profit...

Danny: Maybe I can make one exception.

Stephanie: Have a fun night dad.

Danny: And no more fix-up after tonight, al right ?

Stephanie: Okay. But I just want you to know that I really hope that you will find somebody


Danny: Thank you, sweetheart. I will, I will.

Danny and Stephanie hug...

--------------------------------------------------- End Tune -------------------------------------------------

Full House - The new stories
Episode 23 (215)- Diet Of The Brains

DJ wants Steve to eat less, so she sends him to a psychiatrist. Stephanie tries to fix-up Danny and Claire, Gia's mother.

Main characters:
Danny: Danny Tanner
DJ: DJ Tanner
Stephanie: Stephanie Tanner
Michelle: Michelle Tanner
Joey: Joey Gladstone
Jesse: Jesse Katsopolis
Becky: Becky Katsopolis-Donaldson
Nicky: Nicky Katsopolis
Alex: Alex Katsopolis
Steve: Steve Hale
Kimmy: Kimmy Gibbler
Comet: The dog

Gia: Gia Mahan
Claire: Claire Mahan
Psychiatrist: psychiatrist that tries to help Steve

Episode information:
Story written by: Martin van Dam
Based upon: The orignal series of Full House, created by Jeff Franklin
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 30/04/1999