Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 10

Episode (29) 221 - The Return of The Woodchuck


We find Stephanie and Michelle in the living room...

Michelle: Wanna play tic tac toe ?

Stephanie: Michelle, you know I always win. Why don't you try something your own size ?
Michelle: Like who ?

Then Kimmy walks in...

Kimmy: Hi kiddo's!

Stephanie: Like Kimmy.

Michelle: Kimmy, can you play tic tac toe ?

Kimmy: Sure I can. I always beat our cat at home.

Michelle draws the field, and Kimmy starts...

Kimmy: Okay, I'll put the circle at the left top.

Michelle: And I'll put my cross, right here, in the middle of the top row.

Stephanie: This could be interesting. (She sits down on her knees and looks at the field, which only has the middle box open) Well Michelle, I think you're in big trouble here.

Michelle: Why ? I am playing against Kimmy, remember ?

Kimmy: gee, it's my turn, I only have the middle box left... hard one. You know I think I'll skip my turn.

Stephanie: Kimmy, even you can't be that dumb.

Kimmy: I am. I don't see any possibilities for me.

Stephanie: You are that dumb!

Michelle: Well, if you don't want to win, I do. (She puts a cross in the only box that's left) Now I've won.

Kimmy: How ?

Michelle: Easy, I have three in a row in two different ways.

Kimmy: We had to get three in a row ? Gee, and I always thought it was sort of a maze.

Michelle: Do you want again ?
Kimmy: No, I think I'm gonna read the game instructions first.

Kimmy leaves the house, Stephanie and Michelle laugh...


We find Danny in the kitchen, cleaning the trashcan, while Becky is folding the laundry...

Becky: Danny, when will you stop waxing that trashcan ? You're doing it for the tenth time today.

Danny: Well, today I'm just trying to get this kitchen clean again.

Becky: Danny, the kitchen is always clean.

Danny: Uh-uh, didn't you notice the dust on the counter this morning ?
Becky: Danny, I could touch it with my finger starting at the beginning and walking to the end, and it would just be gray, not even black.

Danny: You see, that proves that there was dust on it.

Becky smiles and shakes her head. Then Joey walks in through the kitchen door...

Joey: Guys, did anyone phone me today ?

Danny: Yes, in fact someone did.

Joey: Was it Mr. Harolds ?

Danny: No, it was the bookstore, they have the comic you wanted.

Joey: Great! I ordered that Bugs Bunny issue two months ago.

Becky: But what's going on with that phone-call ?

Joey: I can't tell you now, but it's great!

Joey stares at the phone...

Danny: Joey, the phone won't ring if you stare at it.

Joey: Sure it does.

Danny: if you keep staring long enough.

Becky: And besides, Stephanie is on the phone with Gia in the living room.

Joey: She is ?

Joey walks into the living room, where Stephanie is sitting on the couch, talking into the phone...

Joey: Steph, could you please hang up the phone ?

Stephanie: (Into the phone) Hold on, Gia, (To Joey) What's the matter ?

Joey: I'm expecting a very important phonecall, could you please hang up ?

Stephanie: (Into the phone) Uh, Gia. Could you come over ? Joey needs the phone. What ? Okay, I'll meet you there. Later. (She hangs up the phone)

Joey: Thanks Steph. (Joey stares at the phone again)

Stephanie: Joey, why do you keep staring at the phone ?
Joey: I want it to ring.

Then the doorbell rings...

Joey: (Taking the receiver and talking in it) Hello ? Hello ? Nobody, how could that be ?

Stephanie: Easy, the doorbell rang. There was a telegram for you.

Joey: (Taking the telegram from Stephanie and opening it) Yes! Yes! This is great news! Hey everybody!

Danny and Becky walk into the living room from the kitchen, Jesse and the twins run down the stairs...

Jesse: What, is the house on fire ? Why were you calling us ?

Joey: Great news! I've got a job. They want me to host a new show on channel 6, 'Cartoon Mania'

Nicky: Cool! Are there cartoons in that show ?

Joey: You bet. And kids in the studios, and guests. I really want to watch that show.

Jesse: You're gonna host it, Joey.

Joey: Oh yeah, that's true. (He reads on) Oh, but there's one problem. They want me to have a co-host. And they watched those old Ranger Joe shows. So, I can only get the job, if I can find Mr. Woodchuck. But the problem is, I don't know where he is. The last time I saw him, was three years ago, when I decided to try some other stuff, and put him away somewhere.

Becky: So without Woodchuck no show ?

Joey: That's right. And this I want to take this chance with both hands.

Danny: Don't worry, Joey. We'll find the woodchuck. Even if we have to search the entire house.

Jesse: Also the dirty places ?
Danny: Jesse, those places are the first you have to look. And if you do, clean them.

Nicky: We'll help you to find your toy, Joey.

Alex: We are very good in finding toys.

Becky: Tell me. But first you loose them.

Alex: Hey, we're only seven years old, it's our job to loose toys.

We find Stephanie entering Michelle's room...

Stephanie: Did you find anything ?

Michelle: No. You ?
Stephanie: No I didn't. Hey, that's the soccer game I always win from you.

Michelle: You know, I have been thinking.

Stephanie: Oh no, do I need to worry now ?
Michelle: I have thought up a great contest.

Stephanie: What ?
Michelle: From now on we can only talk with song titles, or lyrics from songs.

Stephanie: You mean that if somebody put a gun in my face and tells me to give all my money, I say 'That don't impress me much' ?

Michelle: Something like that, yes. The first one that can't think up a good song, looses...

Stephanie: And has to do the tasks from the other for two weeks ?

Michelle: That's a deal.

Stephanie: Let's start the bet.

Michelle: The winner takes it all!

Stephanie: We are the champions!

We find Joey in his room...

Joey: Mr. Woodchuck ? Could you please talk to me ? Where are you ?

Jesse walks in from the hall...

Jesse: Joey, that woodchuck is stuffed, it doesn't live.

Joey: But he always talks back to me.

Jesse: With your voice.

Joey: I know, but I'll try one more time. Mr. Woodchuck ? Hello ? Are you here ?

Jesse: (Smiles) You're really nuts, you know.

Joey: Please don't say that. Mr. Woodchuck ate them sometimes.

Jesse: Anyway, I've checked the bathroom, and he wasn't taking a bath.

Joey: Well Jess, of course he was not taking a bath. He never takes one before eight o'clock. Well, I guess I can forget that job, the woodchuck is gone.

Jesse: Okay, hold it. When did you last see him ?

Joey: Like I said before, three years ago.

Jesse: Where ?

Joey: Let's see. I remember that day like it was tomorrow.

Jesse: You mean like it was yesterday.

Joey: Exactly. Let me see, what happened that day ?

We now get a flashback to three years earlier...

Joey: Oh man, I quit this whole woodchuck thing.

Michelle: Joey, why should you do that ? The woodchuck is part of your life.

Joey: I know, but I have the feeling that I need to think up something new...

Jesse: Maybe some more mature ?
Joey: I don't think that Mr. Woodchuck is funny enough anymore.

Nicky: Can we have him then ?

Alex: Can we daddy ? We always wanted to have a pet.

Joey: Sorry boys, but Mr. Woodchuck is too valuable for me. But at the moment I don't want to see him for a while.

Michelle: I can hide it for you.

Joey: You could ? Please do so, Michelle. And if I ever ask you to get him for me, within, let's say five years, don't give it, al right ?
Michelle: You got it dude!

Joey: Well, Mr. Woodchuck, let's say goodbye then.

Mr. Woodchuck: Goodbye, I will miss you.

Joey: I'm sure we'll meet again..

Mr. Woodchuck: Wood we, wood we ?

Michelle: Give it to me, Joey. I know a very safe place for this....

The flashback ends with Joey giving Michelle the puppet...

We find Jesse and Joey still in Joey's room...

Joey: So Michelle knows where he is.

Jesse: Then go ask her.

Joey: No, I asked her not to give it to me within five years, only three have passed.

Jesse: Joey, I'm almost sure she doesn't remember that. Just ask her.

Joey: You're right, I'm gonna ask my friend back.

Jesse and Joey walk into Michelle's room..

Joey: Michelle, can you do something for me ? Can you get Mr. Woodchuck ? I know you would hide it somewhere three years ago. I know, I told you not to give it within five years, but I really need it now, so could you please get it for me ?
Michelle: (Shaking her head) Obladi, Oblada, life goes on.

Joey: I understand, it's my own fault. I will never see Mr. Woodchuck again.

Jesse: Get a life, you're over reacting now, Joseph.

Joey: It's not fair.

Joey tries to hit the table with his hand, but he hits a pencil, which flies through the room and hits Stephanie in the face...

Joey: Oh no, Stephanie, are you al right ?

Stephanie: I will survive.

Michelle: Hey, that's no song, you lost.

Stephanie: No Michelle, you lost. This was a really short contest, but I will survive is a song.

Michelle: No way. Uncle Jesse, you're the expert in music, please tell her that song doesn't exist.

Jesse: I'm sorry shorty, but the song does exist.

Stephanie: You can start cleaning my room now.

Joey: Michelle, could you please give me the puppet ?

Michelle: No I can't. I mean, I want to, but I don't know where it is.

Stephanie: Didn't you hide it somewhere you thought I couldn't find it, together with some stuff I couldn't see ?
Michelle: Yes, that's right. How do you know ?
Stephanie: Because I always find that stuff.

Joey: Then where is the woodchuck ?

Stephanie: Well, I think in my room, under the bottom of my closet.

Michelle: Yeah, that's right. How do you know ?

Stephanie: Easy, since you hide that woodchuck, you have never been hiding something else there. I'll get it for you, Joey.

Later we find Becky and the twins in the living room, as Joey walks in with the woodchuck..

Joey: You guys wanna see a demonstration with Mr. Woodchuck ?
Nicky + Alex: Yay!

Joey: You hear that, Mr. Woodchuck ? They still like you.

Mr. Woodchuck: Yes, they do. But wood you have brought me back if you didn't have to do some new act on a stage, made of ... wood ?

Joey: I know, I'm sorry. But it will never happen again.

Mr. Woodchuck: I can forgive you, but right now, I'm pining for some wood.

Then Mark walks in...

Mark: Good evening all!

Mr. Woodchuck: Hello, who are you, and who is that good looking female ?

Mark: Oh no, Joey has a new toy.

Nicky: No.

Alex: Mr. Woodchuck is not new.

Mark: Well, anyway, is Jesse around somewhere ?

Becky: He's in the kitchen.

Mark walks into the kitchen...

Mr. Woodchuck: Nice door, is that made of.... Wood ?

In the kitchen we now find Jesse and Mark...

Jesse: (Crying while cutting unions) Hi Mark.

Mark: Jesse, why are you crying ? Are you hurt by the fact that your hair is a mess ?

Jesse: No, I'm cutting onions.... Is my hair a mess ?

Mark: No, I was just kidding, though section alpha 20beta gamma56 could use some mousse.

Jesse: Huh ?

Mark: Your hair is fine.

Jesse: Fine ? it used to be great.

Mark: For me, that's the same. But can I ask you something ?

Jesse: Sure, go ahead.

Mark: First: Why are you cutting onions ?

Jesse: Becky tried to cook, and now I can fix the damage.

Mark: Okay. Next question. You know your women, don't you ?
Jesse: Do I know my women ? Of course I do. Ask me anything you'd like to know.

Mark: Well, there is this girl, Jenny, and we go far back in time. She used to live next door. Now she's in town, she moved here, and I recently met her. She's such a babe!

Jesse: Ooh, please go on.

Mark: Now I want to know if you maybe know some tricks to get something started ?

Jesse: Sure I do. They didn't call me 'the love doctor' for nothing at high school. You see, the first thing you have to do is comfort her.

Mark: Comfort her ? Okay, so I won't take her to the Mac Donald's, because those chairs are not comfortable. Please go on.

Jesse: Then you have to start a conversation.

Mark: Okay, so I will look up the encyclopedia and find information about all types of weather.

Jesse: Mark, that's ridiculous.

Mark: I know, what's the weather right now ? Then I will only look up that type.

Jesse: No, get connected, try to converse about something you both like.

Mark: Well, we both like to have fun.

Jesse: You see, you're already getting connected here.

Mark: Thanks. I will try it out right now.

Jesse: Good luck. And remember who taught you this.

Mark: The one and only love doctor.

Mark leaves the kitchen and the house...

We find Stephanie and Gia in a café...

Gia: Steph, there's a cute boy at six o'clock.

Stephanie: (Looking at her watch) But it's only half past four.

Gia: No, behind you.

Stephanie wants to turn her head...

Gia: No, don't look at him. That will attract his attention.

Stephanie: Wasn't that what you wanted ?

Gia: Yes, but I don't want him to think we think he's cute.

Stephanie: But you do think that.

Gia: Yeah, but that doesn't mean he has to know. I want him to prove himself to me.

Stephanie: Wait, I'll sit next to you. (She stands up and sits down next to Gia)

Gia: Steph, what are you doing ?

Stephanie: I can't look back, so I switch places.

Gia: But this has the same effect.

Stephanie: Did you mean that guy with the black her and red shirt ?

Gia: No the guy next to him.

Stephanie: Uhw groas!

Gia: What ?

Stephanie: Look, they start kissing each other.

Gia: That is groas!

Then Mark walks in...

Gia: But I like the sight at the door.

Stephanie: (Waving) Hi Mark!

Mark: (Walking to the girl) Good afternoon, ladies. How's life today ?

Stephanie: Okay.

Gia: Since you walked in great.

Mark: And I'm not alone.

Gia: You brought one of your friends for Steph ?

Mark: I don't get the point of that, but no. I have a date with a girl.

Stephanie: Cool, who is she ?

Mark: Her! (He points at a girl that enters the café) Hey, Jenny!

Jenny: (Walking to Mark) Hi Mark. Who are those girls ?

Mark: This is my cousin Stephanie, and her friend Gia.

Jenny: Hi! I'm Jenny.

Stephanie: So, where are you from ?

Jenny: I used to live next door to Mark in Chicago, but then we moved to Phoenix. But now we moved to san Francisco, so that's where I'm from.

Gia: Gee, how interesting.

Mark: Does anyone want to drink something ?
Stephanie: Sure, I prefer something wet.

Mark: Gia ?

Gia: No thanks, I'm not thirsty.

Jenny: Do they have Milkshakes here ?
Mark: I believe they do.

Mark walks away...

Stephanie: So, what's going on between the two of you ?

Jenny: Well, nothing yet, but I hope tonight can change that.

Gia: I know what you mean.

Stephanie: Gia, can I talk to you for a moment ?
Gia: Go ahead, talk.

Stephanie: Private.

Jenny: I'll go check if I can help Mark with those drinks.

Stephanie: Gia, please don't spoil Mark's date.

Gia: Why not ? He already spoiled my night. Why is he so blind ?

Stephanie: Who says he is ? Maybe you don't see what he wants. Maybe he thinks a friendship is enough.

Gia: You think ?

Stephanie: There's only one way to find out. Ask him.

That night we find Jesse, Joey, and Stephanie in the living room...

Joey: Okay. I have my presentation of Mr. Woodchuck ready. And I think I did a great job.

Jesse: What ? You killed the thing ?
Joey: No, even better. I proudly present, Mrs. Woodchuck. (He shows a female Mr. Woodchuck)

Jesse: Oh no.

Joey: Yes. I thought it was sad seeing Mr. Woodchuck so alone.

Stephanie: And how will you talk with to puppets at the time ?

Joey: Well, it's a little hard to let them speak at the same time.

Stephanie: And is she just as funny as her boyfriend ?
Joey: In fact she is.

Mrs. Woodchuck: Hello, everybody. Is that table made of acorn ? That's my favorite kind of wood.

Jesse: Oh boy.

Joey lays Mrs. Woodchuck on the couch, as DJ and Steve walk in...

DJ: Hi guys.

Stephanie: And how was your day shopping in L.A ?

DJ: It was so great. We bought clothes for the baby. Here, look at this gorgeous little jacket.

Stephanie: Oh, how sweet.

Then Becky walks in from the kitchen...

Becky: Did anyone say 'baby clothes' ? Oh, what an adorable jacket.

Jesse: Well Steve, this proves that women always choose something other women also like, not thinking of what their man thinks of it.

Steve: Not always.

Jesse: Name one example where my theory doesn't apply.

Steve: I picked the jacket.

Then Mark walks in...

Mark: Oh, what cute, that jacket. But I don't think Steve will fit in that.

DJ: (Smiling) It's not for Steve, it's for the baby.

Jesse: And, how did your date go ?

Mark: Fantastic. I think she wants me.

Stephanie: Mark, speaking of your date, can we please talk for a moment ?

Mark: Sure, go ahead, talk.

Stephanie: I think it's better if we did this on my room.

Stephanie and Mark walk up the stairs...

Steve: They even had a very good restaurant in L.A

DJ: Steve, I'm sure they'll have more.

Steve: yeah, but we only ate at this one.

Steve sits down, but doesn't notice Mrs. Woodchuck...

Joey: No!

Steve jumps up...

Joey: Oh no, you killed Mrs. Woodchuck. (He holds the puppet in front of him, the head is separated from the rest of the body)

Steve: Oops. Sorry.

Joey: What will Mr. Woodchuck say of this ? I already planned a wedding for the both of them.

Jesse: I think you'd better take care of the funeral now.

Becky: Maybe I can fix her.

Joey: No, she's dead. Nobody can change that.

DJ: It was an accident, Joey.

Joey: Yeah, I know. And I don't blame you Steve.

Becky: see it from the bright site. Now you don't have to do two voices at the same time.

Jesse: And you will only have to feed one puppet. (He laughs)

Joey: Well, maybe it's better this way.

We find Stephanie and Mark in Stephanie's room...

Mark: What did you want to talk me about ?

Stephanie: Gia. I think you broke her heart this afternoon.

Mark: What do you mean ?

Stephanie: I mean that she had a crush on you.

Mark: She did ? I thought she just wanted to be friends.

Stephanie: So she was right, you were too blind to see the truth.

Mark: Look, Stephanie, I like Gia a lot, but I don't think it will ever be more than a friendship.

Stephanie: Don't tell me, but her. She...

Then somebody knocks on the door..

Stephanie: Come in.

Gia enters the room...

Gia: Oh, you have company, I'll leave you then.

Stephanie: No, please come in, if you would excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.

Stephanie leaves the room...

Gia: So.

Mark: So.

Gia: Had a nice date ?

Mark: Yes.

Gia: Good.

Mark: Look, Gia. Steph just told me you...

Gia: Wanted to be that girl that walked in ?

Mark: Something like that, yes. And it surprised me.

Gia: Like it always does. Why are you guys so blind to see ?
Mark: I don't know. But I want you to know that I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. And I hope you'll still talk to me. You see, I think you're a great friend, but I don't think it will ever be anything more than that between us.

Gia: I understand.

Mark: I'm sure you'll find a man sometime. But I think you just don't have to focus your attention on one person. Look around you, and you'll see there are plenty guys for you. You're young, so you have all chances of the world to find a guy that's right for you.

Gia: You really think so ?

Mark: Sure. You're pretty, you've got a strong mind. I don't think it should be that hard for you to find some one.

Gia: What did you study ? Psychology ?
Mark: No, but it sounds good. So, friends ?

Gia: Friends.

The next day we find Joey, Michelle and the twins in the television studios...

Nicky: When will the show start ?

Michelle: In a few moments.

Alex: I can't wait.

Nicky: This is the first time we'll be on TV.

Alex: I hope my hair is in perfect condition today ?
Michelle: gee, I wonder who you got that from ?

Then Danny appears next to the kids...

Michelle: Dad, aren't you a little old for this ?

Danny: No, I want to support Joey.

Michelle: Well, you know what they say: Forever young.

Danny: I know. I still got that teen freshness.

Michelle: Dad, I was talking about Joey.

Danny: Oh, of course.

Nicky: Sst, the show is gonna start.

A music starts to play, and Joey appears on the stage...

Mr. Woodchuck: Hi kids.

Kids: Hello!

Mr. Woodchuck: I think you're lucky today.

Joey: How come, Mr. Woodchuck ?

Mr. Woodchuck: Well, the chairs they are sitting on are made of plastic, and we both know what would have happened if they were made of... wood.

The kids start laughing....

Joey: It seems we have an easy audience today.

Mr. Woodchuck: I knew they wood laugh about that joke.

Joey: I'm sure you did.

Mr. Woodchuck: Hey kids. Did you know I can count ?

Kids: No.

Mr. Woodchuck: I really can, do you want to hear it ?

Kids: Yes!

Mr. Woodchuck: Okay, here we go. One...Two...Tree...

The kids start laughing again...

Joey: Oh oh, what a joker are you.

Mr. Woodchuck: I know. By the way, this stage. Any chance it is made of... wood ?

Joey: It sure is. Okay kids, let's go to a cartoon. And this time it's one from Woody Woodpecker.

Mr. Woodchuck: I know him. He's a friend of mine. And you know why ?

Kids: No!

Mr. Woodchuck: Because he has wood in his name.

We find DJ and Steve in the living room, as Danny, Joey, Michelle and the twins walk in...

DJ: And, how did the show go ?
Joey: Great! I can do a show every week from now on.

DJ: Congratulations!

Steve: When will you be on TV ?

Joey: Well, they air the show one day after we taped it, so that will be tomorrow.

Nicky: He was really funny.

Alex: Yeah, and the cartoons were great too.

Nicky: Joey, can we be at the studios every week ?

Alex: Then we will know what happens before our friends do.

Joey: Sure boys.

Danny: You really had those kids' attention, Joey.

Michelle: Yeah, you were great with them.

Joey: maybe that's because I love kids. And I guess I never lost the touch. Remember when you were younger, Michelle, and I took you to the Ranger Joe show every time ?

Michelle: Yes.

Joey: Back then I got the same feeling as I did now. I really got that felling of joy, to see all those little happy faces, and the laughing from the children.

Danny: So you found something back from the past.

Joey: Yes, I believe so. But I also love being a comedian, and I think I will always do that too.

DJ: Well, you have always been funny, since I met you.

Danny: Oh, that's for sure.

Joey: I can't wait till it's next week.

Steve: And I can't wait till it is tomorrow. I want to see the cartoons.

Joey takes Mr. Woodchuck...

Mr. Woodchuck: And what about me ?

Steve: Okay, I want to see you too.

Mr. Woodchuck: By the way, Joey told me you killed my girlfriend ?
Steve: Yeah, well, I' sorry.

Mr. Woodchuck: I was hoping she could be my wife some day. But now there won't be a wooding.

Steve: You mean, wedding ?

Mr. Woodchuck: No, wooding. But I still have my friend Woody.

Steve: Woody Allen ?
Mr. Woodchuck: Hey Steve, are your brains made of wood ?

Steve: Not that I know.

Mr. Woodchuck: Okay, just checking. No, Woody Woodpecker.

Nicky: DJ, we got to tell you something.

DJ: What ?

Alex: You're married to a guy that talks to puppets.

DJ: I know, but he's not the only one. Joey does it too.

Joey: No don't. What you, Mr. Woodchuck ?

Mr. Woodchuck: I agree with you. I wood never think you wood do something like that.

Nicky and Alex laugh...

Joey: Well, Mr. Woodchuck, it's time for your nap. In your wooden bed.

Mr. Woodchuck: Okay, but I will only take the nap because of the wooden bed.

Joey walks upstairs, with the puppet, while having a conversation with it, the others look at him and laugh...
-------------------------- End Tune ------------------------------------

Full House - The new stories
Episode 29 (221)- The Return of The Woodchuck

Joey can host a new TV-show for kids, but he needs his old friend Mr. Woodchuck to get the job. He only doesn't know where he put him. Mark has a date, and when he meets Stephanie and Gia, Gia gets jealous...

Main characters:
Danny: Danny Tanner
DJ: DJ Tanner
Stephanie: Stephanie Tanner
Michelle: Michelle Tanner
Joey: Joey Gladstone
Jesse: Jesse Katsopolis
Becky: Becky Katsopolis-Donaldson
Nicky: Nicky Katsopolis
Alex: Alex Katsopolis
Steve: Steve Hale
Kimmy: Kimmy Gibbler
Comet: The dog

Mr. Woodchuck: Ventriloquism puppet (voice by Joey)
Mark: Mark Tanner
Gia: Gia Mahan
Jenny: Jenny Lang (Mark's (girl) friend)
Mrs. Woodchuck: Ventriloquism puppet (voice by Joey)
Kids: Kids in the audience of Joey's show

Episode information:
Story written by: Martin van Dam
Based upon: The orignal series of Full House, created by Jeff Franklin
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 05/10/1999