Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 10
Episode (38) 230 - Steph on Stage
Jesse Katsopolis - Danny Tanner - Joey Gladstone - DJ Tanner-Hale - Stephanie Tanner - Michelle Tanner - Rebecca (Becky) Donaldson-Katsopolis - Nicky & Alex Katsopolis - Kimmy Gibbler - Steve Hale - Gia Mahan - Mark Tanner - Pam Hale (baby) - Comet (the dog)
We find Michelle and the twins in the kitchen...
Michelle: Boys, we've got a major problem here.
Nicky: Oh oh.
Alex: Is it really that bad ?
Michelle: Boys, there's only one cookie left in the box, and we are with three.
Michelle takes a cookie out of the box and lays it down on the kitchen table...
Nicky: Who can eat it ?
Nicky: Do you want one crumb of the cookie then ?
Michelle: I know something, let's draw straws. (She takes some straws out of the cupboard) Okay, whoever takes the longest straw gets the cookie.
The twins draw a straw, and they compare the straws...
Nicky: They are all the same size.
Michelle: I knew I forgot something.
Alex: But now we still don't know who can eat the cookie.
Then Comet walks in, barks, and takes the cookie...
Michelle: Well, that problem is solved.
------------------------------------------ INTRO ------------------------------------------------
We find Danny and Joey sitting in the living room...
Joey: (Reading a magazine) Danny, you won't believe this.
Danny: What ?
Joey: In Cleveland lives a man who only drinks gasoline.
Danny: Joey, you don't believe those things, do you ? If there were people living on gasoline, they would serious have to consider seeing a doctor.
Joey: Or a mechanic, for his next lubrication.
Stephanie walks in...
Danny: Hi honey, how was your day ?
Stephanie: Great, I've got the main part in the art class play.
Danny: How nice, Romeo and Juliet ?
Joey: I was in a play about Caesar once. I had a very important role.
Danny: Joey, you were playing the horse that pulled Caesars' cart.
Joey: Yeah, but if I hadn't been there Caesar would have to pull his cart all by himself.
We find DJ and Steve in the kitchen...
Steve: You know, Deej, I've been thinking.
DJ: Is that a good or a bad thing ?
DJ: A new car ? Why ?
Steve: Because the old one has a subscription to the garage.
DJ: That's because it's an old one.
Steve: Yeah I know, and I really think we need a new one.
DJ: I don't think so.
Steve: But Deej, we safe a lot of money buying a new car. I mean, the old one has some problems every week.
DJ: I don't know, I have to think about it.
Steve: But do it quickly, before my option to the Ford Station wagon has lost it's value.
DJ: Steve, are you telling me you already bought a car ?
Steve: Not completely.
DJ: Steve, why didn't you confer it with me.
Steve: I am doing that right now.
DJ: Sorry Steve, but I really don't know. I have to go now, our car should be ready by now.
DJ walks away...
We find Jesse and Joey in the living room...
Jesse: Okay, so we have to take over for Larry.
Joey: Did Alison say what Larry ? Larry with the glasses, Larry without the glasses, Larry the speaking seal ?
Jesse: Larry Gitis.
Joey: Oh, the Larry with the sore throat.
Jesse: Exactly. Well, this was his schedule for tomorrow. And I can't make it, I have an appointment with my dentist.
Joey: I can't make it either, it's at the moment Pebbles and Bamm Bamm are getting married.
Jesse: But Alison is counting on us. Who is going to tell her ?
Becky: Thanks for carrying the groceries.
Mark: I'm always wanting to help a lady in need.
Jesse: My wife was in need ?
Becky: I broke my heel from my shoe. It walked a little hard.
Joey: You could have broken the other heel too. Then you would have walked with both feet at the same height.
Jesse: Wait a minute. Mark, did you just say you always want to help a woman in need ?
Mark: Nothing happened between us.
Jesse: Mark, I know a woman in need, and you could do her a great favor.
Mark: What age ?
Joey: Around forty.
Mark: That's too old for me, she could be my mother.
Jesse: No look, we have to take over a radio show, but we both can't make it. And you seem the right man for the job.
Mark: I do ? You mean I have to talk for the whole city, where all inhabitants can hear my voice ? Cool, maybe some nice girls are being taken away by my voice. I'm in.
Jesse: Thanks Mark, you're a life-safer. I'll explain everything to you this afternoon, when Joey and I are doing our show.
That night at dinner...
Danny: Stephanie, we are starting...
Stephanie: (From upstairs) Bon a petit!
Danny: If you don't get down here right now, Comet gets your meal.
Stephanie walks down the stairs...
Stephanie: Did you have to wait long ?
Michelle: Well, my beef asked for a scarf five minutes ago.
Stephanie: Sorry, I was reading the play. And it's hard. I'm not sure if I can do this.
Becky: Why not, you played Juliet once.
Stephanie: Yeah, but this is different. It's more text than Shakespeare.
Joey: Steph, it's harder before you get on stage than when you're actually there.
Stephanie: Nice words, but are they true ?
Joey: Hey, I can help you getting over this stage fright.
Stephanie: You can ?
Joey: Tomorrow, 3 PM, your room ?
Stephanie: Consider this a date.
The next morning, when Jesse, DJ and Stephanie are having breakfast...
DJ: So Steph, how's the play going ?
Stephanie: I have been reading the script till eleven last night. And then I fell a sleep.
Jesse: I remember the first time I had to play with my first band. I was so nervous that I was singing My girl, on the notes of Yesterday. And I just didn't understand why the audience was laughing so loud.
Then Kimmy walks in...
Kimmy: Hi Deej, hi Blondie, hi Mousse boy.
Stephanie: Oh no, stink sock is in the house.
Kimmy: I have some great news.
Jesse: You're moving to Alaska ?
Kimmy: No, I found the man of my dreams.
Stephanie: King Kong escaped out of his cage ?
Kimmy: No, this is really a very good guy. (She whistles her fingers) Hey Codeman!
Cody Lambert walks in...
Cody: Hi dudes.
Kimmy: This is Cody, the new man in my life.
Cody: Yeah, did you know Kimmy is such a great girl ?
Stephanie: No, we didn't. Kimmy, did you use chloroform again ?
Stephanie: Kimmy, when you are doing your legs, don't forget to shave your beard of too.
Kimmy: Huh ? I don't get it.
Cody: (Laughing) Good one.
Kimmy: Explain it to me. I didn't get that insult.
Stephanie: No wonder if you have no brains.
DJ looks at Stephanie with a severe look in her eyes...
Stephanie: What ? She made it too easy.
We find Becky and the twins on the attic...
Becky: Now let me put your lunch in your bags. (She takes a bag from one of the twins) Hey, what's this ? Nicky, this looks like the sandwiches I gave you yesterday.
Nicky: They are.
Alex: I've got mine too.
Becky: Boys, why didn't you eat your lunch ?
Nicky: But we ate the cookies you gave us.
Becky: Boys, in Africa live kids who are dying for a sandwich.
Alex: Oh no, did we kill some innocent children ?
Nicky: We are bad boys.
Becky: Now boys, you didn't kill anybody.
Alex: Yes we did, you just told us.
Nicky: We are just bad boys.
Nicky and Alex grab their bag and walk down the stairs...
Becky: Oh my. Boys, wait for me, you can't drive the car without me.
She walks down the stairs...
That afternoon we find Stephanie in her room when Joey enters...
Joey: Hey Steph.
Stephanie: Hi Joey. I'm really happy you want to help me with this.
Joey: Anytime. Okay, let's start with the script.
Stephanie: You mean rewriting ? Good idea.
Joey: Why ? Is something wrong with it ?
Stephanie: No, I just can't remember all the lines.
Joey: Steph, you only got the script yesterday. You will know all the lines next week. Now how big is your part ?
Joey: That's nothing compared to what I had to know when in was in Junior High. I once had to know eighty pages of text.
Stephanie: What role did you have ?
Joey: I was the prompter.
Stephanie: And how did it go ?
Joey: I mixed up my lines and the play was a big failure.
Stephanie: Okay. Please go on with the lesson.
Joey: Anyway, when you try to learn your own lines, it's important that you also know what the other actors' lines are.
Stephanie: You mean like the time Michelle knew everybody's lines except her own ?
Joey: No, that was wrong. You just have to know when another actor is saying something. So you know when to stop talking.
Stephanie: Oh. Okay. And what's next ?
Joey: The drama you put into the lines. You have to use some emotions when you speak.
Stephanie: Something like 'Oh Caesar, Emperor of the Roman Empire, let me welcome you in my palace.'
Joey: Yeah, something like that. That was really not bad you know. Oh, I have an appointment with the cartoon network. If you ever need any help with the play, I'm your man.
Then Gia walks in, as Joey leaves...
Gia: Hi Steph, guess what ? I am in the play too.
Stephanie: Great. What part did you get ?
Gia: I can be Caesar. You know, I always wanted to play some god. And now I can play the wife from the upper god. Isn't that great ?
Stephanie: Gia, history was not your best class, was it ?
We find Mark and Michelle in the radio studios...
Michelle: Thanks for taking me with you.
Mark: Anytime. I can use some life audience. And your house was not on my way here.
Michelle: Maybe I can become your co-host.
Mark: I don't think so. And besides, I am only doing this once.
Alison walks in...
Alison: Hi Mark. I'm Alison, your boss for today. I am so glad you want to help us out. I believe Jesse already told you how everything works ?
Mark: That's right.
Alison: Okay, you have 30 seconds before you are on the air.
Alison walks away...
Mark: Okay Michelle, here I go. (He moves to the microphone) Testing, one two three.
A red light starts burning..
Mark: Okay, we're on the air. Hello San Francisco, this is Mark Tanner speaking to you from your favorite radio. The next hour I will bring you music and commercials, and I hope there are some girls who will bring me their phone numbers. Okay, let's play some music now, here are the Vengaboys, with their big hit 'we like to party'. (He pushes a button) Okay Michelle, that was the start.
Michelle: Very impressive. Do you have a pen and some paper ? Then I can give you my phone number.
Mark: Okay, we are almost at the end of this show, and I hope you all enjoyed it. I can tell you that I did, and Melissa, Caroline and Fiona, I'll call you tonight. Anyway, before I go, I have to read a commercial. And it goes something like this: Eat lots of sweet candy, that means work for dentist Kennedy. (He is silence for a moment) Somehow this commercial doesn't seem right, so I'd say, just brush after the candy. Goodbye.
Michelle: (Whispering) Are you off the air ?
Alison walks in...
Alison: And, how did it go ?
Mark: You tell me.
Alison: You did great. In fact, I want to offer you a job as DJ. We never had so much phone calls in one hour. And bye the way, here's a list with phone numbers.
Mark: (Taking the list) Only 278 girls called ?
Alison: What do you think of becoming a DJ ?
Mark: It sounds good. I'll give it a try.
Alison: Okay then. Oh, you know Jesse and Joey, right ? Could you tell them their show will be replaced by your ? Thanks. (She walks away)
Michelle: Ooh, I want to watch their faces when you tell them.
Mark: I don't.
We find Joey watching television, as Jesse walks in through the front door...
Joey: (Crying) Hi Jess.
Jesse: What are you crying ?
Joey: Pebbles just said 'I Yabba Dabba Doo to Bamm Bamm. It was so beautiful. (He sniffs)
Jesse: Well, I have a reason to cry too. The dentist found three cavities.
Joey: Jess, I thought you were though, and you were crying over a drill, turning and squeezing into your teeth ?
Jesse: No, I was thinking about the bill I will receive from him.
Mark and Michelle walk in...
Jesse: Hey Mark. So, how did it go ?
Joey: Did Alison love your show ?
Mark: That's what Alison told me too.
Joey: She did ?
Mark: Guys, there's something you should know.
Michelle: Wait, stop! I want to get the video camera. (She walks away)
Jesse: What is it ?
Mark: Well uh... She kind of offered me a job.
Jesse: She did ? That's great.
Joey: Congratulations. Did you take it ?
Michelle walks back in with the camera...
Michelle: Okay, show time!
Mark: I did say yes to her.
Jesse: So we are colleagues now, huh ?
Mark: Sort of. I got my own show.
Joey: What time ?
Michelle: Boys, can you please watch into the camera ?
Mark: Well, your time.
Jesse: Isn't that great ? he is having his show on...
Jesse + Joey: Our time ?
Mark: Now guys, relax, don't be mad.
Jesse: I'm not mad.
Joey: Me neither.
Mark: I'm glad you take it like this. You are very sportive.
Jesse: Mark, at this moment, I sure want to kill you, but I don't, and you know why ?
Mark: I guess because Michelle is taping it.
Mark: Look guys, I'm really sorry, but when I said yes to Alison, I really had no idea that I would be having a show at your time.
Joey: I understand. So, how does it feel two make two men unemployed ?
Mark: Like going home.
Mark leaves the house, followed by Jesse and Joey...
Michelle: Great, Bob Saget is gonna love it!
We find Danny and DJ walking into the kitchen, where Becky is cooking...
Becky: So, how is your car, DJ ?
DJ: It broke down again. I didn't even leave the street where the garage is, or the engine just stopped.
Danny: DJ, I think your car has officially died.
DJ: But dad, it can't have died, it's only 19 years old.
Danny: And it had seven owners in those 19 years.
DJ: Maybe Steve was right, and do we need a new car.
Becky: Where is your car now ? Maybe Jesse can have a look at it.
Danny: We towed it here with my car.
Steve walks in...
Steve: Deej, can I have the car keys ?
DJ: Sure, but you can't take the car.
Steve: Oh no, I ordered some hamburgers at the Mc Donald's, and I have to pick them up in five minutes.
Becky: Here, Steve, try this. I made my special chicken meat burgers.
Steve takes a bite...
Steve: Mr. tanner, can I use your car ? Now I really need those hamburgers.
Steve gets Danny's car keys and walks away...
Becky: What's wrong with my burgers ? (Tasting what she cooked) Danny, are you in for a pizza tonight ?
We find Stephanie in her room, rehearsing with Gia...
Gia: I can't believe I'm not Caesar, but just some nameless female god.
Stephanie: Gia, be glad you are, else we should have to kiss.
Gia: Uhw. Okay, let's take it from the part where I have to speak to Caesar.
Stephanie: Okay, I'll be Caesar. 'Oh goddess of love, what can I do to conquer Cleopatra's heart ?'
Gia: Caesar, mighty emperor of the Roman empire, don't have a cow.
Stephanie: That's not in the script.
Gia: I know, but it sounds better than 'Caesar, mighty emperor of the Roman empire, forget your sorrow and grieve.'
Stephanie: That's true.
Gia: Okay. 'Just buy her a hamburger and a milkshake, and dance on some groovy music.'
Stephanie: Gia, I think it's better if you just stick with the original text here.
Gia: Oh. 'Give her food and drink, and make sure she has a good time, while you move on music.' (To Stephanie) Sounds pretty much the same to me.
Michelle walks in...
Michelle: Hi guys. How is the rehearsing going ?
Stephanie: It's going.
Michelle: Sounds interesting.
Stephanie: Michelle, do you mind leaving us alone ?
Michelle: No, I believe uncle Jesse and Joey chasing Mark is much more interesting.
The next morning, we find Jesse, Becky and the twins up the attic...
Nicky: Mommy, do you have a stamp for us ?
Jesse: Sending love letters ?
Becky: Airmail ?
Alex: (Nodding) uhhuh.
Becky: What do you need airmail for ?
Nicky: To send something through the air.
Jesse: Like what ?
Alex: Our sandwiches, to Africa.
Nicky: We don't want to kill any more children.
Becky: Okay. Jess, we have a problem.
Jesse: What's going on ? Why do the boys want to send food to Africa ?
Jesse: Rebecca honey, what is he talking about ?
Jesse: You don't say so.
Becky: Boys, we have to talk. I know what I said yesterday, but I didn't mean it like that.
Alex: So we are no murderers ?
Becky: Thanks. Boys, when I said that in Africa children are dying for a sandwich, I meant that the children there don't have enough to eat. And you don't eat all your food, and five minutes later you're hungry again.
Nicky: Do you know what she said ?
Alex: No, but just pretend you do, then she will be finished sooner.
Jesse: Boys. The point is that you have to realize that you are better off than children in some other countries.
Nicky: Oh. Why didn't you say that sooner ?
Becky: Now boys, off to school.
We find Kimmy and Cody in the living room when Danny walks in...
Danny: Kimmy, what are you doing here ?
Danny: Kimmy, you can do that at your home.
Kimmy: Yes, but you have a couch with a back rest.
Danny: What happened to your back rest ?
Danny: And how's your uncle Dirk doing ?
Kimmy: Well, he's still laughing. But that's because he can't use the muscles in his face anymore.
Cody: Hey dude, do you think I can get some ice cream ?
Danny: What for ?
Cody: I like the headache you get when you take too much at once.
Michelle: Hi dad, hi airhead. That rhymes. Cool.
Danny: Kimmy, when will you ever get a normal boyfriend ?
We find Joey and Jesse and Joey entering the radio studios...
Jesse: Okay Joey, remember we have to be tough, and whatever Alison says, we are right and she is not.
Joey: I know Jess, don't worry, I will make you proud.
They stand in front of Alison's office...
Jesse: Okay, here goes nothing. (He knocks)
Alison: Come in.
Jesse and Joey enter the office...
Alison: What are you guys doing here ?
Alison: What are you talking about ?
Joey: Well, Mark told us that he can do a program on our time and...
Alison: Oh, that. That's already taken care of. Mark was here this morning, and he convinced me to let you keep your show at the usual time.
Jesse: Well, anyway. We want our time... He what ?
Alison: He had some very good points. For instance, he want to focus his program on the youth, who wants to relax after they got home from school. And Larry's time is perfect for that. So Mark will make a two hour program, before you guys do your show.
Joey: And what happens to Fred ?
Jesse: Okay. So we can do our show this afternoon ?
Jesse and Joey walk out of the room, to the studio where Mark is busy...
Mark: Okay, kids, this was all. Don't forget to listen to Teen Time tomorrow, and remember, brush every night, so the dentist will have less work to do with you. Bye. (He stands up)
Jesse: Hi Mark.
Mark: Guys, I am not wearing the right shoes to run again, and neither do I have the condition.
Joey: We didn't come for that.
Jesse: Listen Mark, we heard what you did from Alison, and we would like to say thank you.
Mark: You're welcome.
Jesse: You see, it was not your fault, maybe we wanted to blame the wrong person.
Joey: So we hope you want to accept our apologies.
Mark: Of course, what else is family for ? But if you would like to excuse me, I have to make 87 phone calls. Those girls just keep calling me.
Mark walks away...
Jesse: 87 ? My god, my record was 23 at one day.
Joey: The master has been beaten.
We find Stephanie in her room when DJ walks in...
DJ: Steph, do you need any help ?
Stephanie: In fact I do. Could you read all the other characters ? I want to know if I know my lines.
DJ: Okay. Oh Cleopatra, let me show you what heaven is.
Stephanie: Who said that ?
DJ: Just testing. Okay. Cleopatra, give me your empire, and you will get whatever you want.
Stephanie: Never, Caesar. I won't give in to your conquest of the world.
DJ: Then let it be. But don't come crawling back to me, begging me for forgiveness, because I will never give that to you.
Stephanie: Caesar, your threats don't hurt me. So leave, before I will make you supper for my alligators.
DJ: Very impressive, Steph. You knew most of it.
Stephanie: Yeah, I had to improvise a little. But I believe it was pretty much what is in the script.
DJ: Steph, you will play a very good Cleopatra, I'm sure.
Then Gia walks in...
Gia: (Talking with a mellow voice) I have a problem.
Stephanie: What ? You talk like you almost lost your voice.
Gia: (Nodding) I did.
Stephanie: Oh no, now how do you have to scream out loud when you're on stage ?
Stephanie: Okay, I will talk to Mrs. Kowalski. I'll tell her that....
Gia takes the paper and writes something down again...
Stephanie: Oh, that you lost your voice and can't possibly be the goddess of love. Too bad.
Gia: (Whispering) I know. (She waves and leaves)
Stephanie: Okay, now we have a problem.
DJ: Don't you have a stand in then ?
Stephanie: No. I will call our teacher right now. (She takes her phone and calls) Hello Mrs. Kowalski ? Stephanie Tanner here. Right, Cleopatra. I wanted to say that our goddess of love has lost her voice and can't play. What ? Me ? But... Okay. (She hangs up the phone) Deej, she wants me to find a replacement for Gia.
DJ: Good luck.
Stephanie: What about you ?
DJ: No way. I am not in for that kind of stuff. Maybe somebody else wants to help you with the play.
Stephanie: DJ, you just gave me a good idea.
At Stephanie's school, at the play...
Mrs. Kowalski: Okay, kids, let's start. And Stephanie, thanks you for finding me a new goddess of love.
Stephanie: It was my pleasure.
Mrs. Kowalski: I have to admit, a very special goddess. Well, goddess, I hope you know your lines.
Joey: (Dressed like a goddess, with oranges in stead of, well, you know...) Oh, you bet I do. (Whispering to Stephanie) What am I doing ?
Stephanie: Joey, you told me you'd do anything to help me.
Joey: Me and my big mouth.
In the audience...
Michelle: I still wonder where Joey is.
Jesse: And I am interested in what his other appointment is.
The curtains open...
Danny: They're starting.
Caesar: Oh goddess of love, how can I conquer the heart of the woman of my dreams ?
The spotlight moves to Joey...
Joey: (In a high voice) Caesar, don't worry. Make her feel comfortable and indulge her with food and drink, and music.
In the audience...
Jesse: (Laughing) Oh my god, is this a comedy ?
Danny: Joey did a good job keeping the secret that he took hormones to grow a bosom.
DJ: Now this is what I call entertainment.
Caesar: Oh goddess of love, most beautiful woman, after the woman of my dreams...
In the audience...
Jesse: Well, he is more woman than Kimmy.
Becky: He'd better be careful, or he has twenty man trying to conquer his heart. Or should I say 'her'.
All laugh out loud...
Later, at the Tanner house...
Danny: Stephanie, you were wonderful. I really enjoyed watching you play.
Jesse: And Joey, I must say, you were very entertaining too.
Joey: (In a high voice) Well, in the bar where I used to strip, men told me exact the same thing.
The others laugh...
Stephanie: Joey, I don't know how I can thank you for throwing away your reputation for me.
Joey: It was not that bad. And bye the way, maybe I can start a whole new career now, something like dear Josephine. Okay, I'm gonna put on some other clothes.
Danny: I still wonder who stole your clothes out of the dressing room.
Joey walks upstairs...
Jesse: You got them, Michelle ?
Michelle: Right here. (She caries a bag in, where they get Joey's clothes out...
Stephanie: tell me you guys didn't...
Jesse: we couldn't resist.
Stephanie; I must admit, it was funny, seeing Joey walking out of the theatre, to his car, dressed like a roman goddess.
Danny: Come on, let's have something to drink.
They all walk into the kitchen...
Full House - The new stories
Stephanie gets the main role in a play from her art class. Joey offers her to help, and he goes far... Mark has some unknown talents, and in the first place this seems to be a bad thing for Jesse and Joey. Kimmy has a new boyfriend, somebody we know.... Cody Lambert!