Fan Fiction - Written by Martin van Dam - Season 10
Episode (44) 236 - Sherlock Tanner
Jesse Katsopolis - Danny Tanner - Joey Gladstone - DJ Tanner-Hale - Stephanie Tanner - Michelle Tanner - Rebecca (Becky) Donaldson-Katsopolis - Nicky & Alex Katsopolis - Kimmy Gibbler - Steve Hale - Gia Mahan - Mark Tanner - Pam Hale (baby) - Comet (the dog)
We find Michelle and Stephanie walking into the kitchen...
Michelle: Steph, you really got to see the cake I made with DJ for uncle Jesse. I'm so glad he's coming home. Tada, here it is! (She points at an empty plate at the counter)
Stephanie: Michelle, I think you made that cake a little too light. It seems it flew away.
Michelle: Oh no. The cake. It was standing right there. Where could it have gone ? Steve walks in...
Stephanie: Guess. Steve, do you know anything about a cake ?
Steve: Oh yeah, there was one standing right there. Hey, who ate it ?
Michelle: You mean you didn't ?
Stephanie: Gee, that's a complete mystery to me.
Michelle: You know what's a mystery ? Where my cake went. And I'm gonna find it, even if it's the last thing I do. (She walks away)
Stephanie: If she puts it like that, I think I'm glad I didn't eat from that cake.
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We find DJ and Steve in the kitchen reading mail...
Steve: Man, this is so unfair!
DJ: The what ?
Steve: The “Don't eat animals club”. Some weird vegetarians who are spotting everybody that enters the Mc Donalds and the Burger King. Listen, We have been watching you and you have been at the forbidden places a lot. We want to remind you that eating hamburgers is murder. Think of the poor animals that died for your meal, blablabla...
DJ: Must be some people from the government. They don't know how to spend their time useful anyway. (Reading a letter) What the.... Kimmy enters the house...
Kimmy: Deej, guess what was in the mail for me ?
Steve: Something against smelling feet I hope ?
Kimmy: No, a letter. Hey, how did you get my letter ?
Steve: Girls, I can't follow you. What letter. From who ?
Steve: Kathy ? The one that married when she got 17 and was a teen-mom.
Steve: And the one that got her 4th child at the age of 21 ?
Kimmy: You are on a role Steve!
DJ: We are invited to a party.
DJ: A reunion party for all her old friends.
Steve: I didn't know you were that close back then.
DJ: Me neither.
We find Danny and Joey in the living room...
Danny: I can't wait till Jesse gets back home.
Joey: I miss him too. Must be love.
Danny: No, my car acts strange lately, and Jesse is the only person who can fix it.
Joey: (Imitating Popeye) Well blow me down maty. Give me some spinach and I'll have a look at your land ship.
Danny: And more than a look it won't be.
Joey: (With his own voice) Danny, ever heard of a garage ?
Joey: Two dozen of each ?
Danny: Only if Comet keeps his paws clean when he walks through the house.
Somebody knocks at the door, and Jesse, Becky and the twins walk in...
Jesse: Guess who's back! Michelle and Stephanie run into the living room from the kitchen...
Michelle: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: That must be a lucky guess.
Danny: How was Europe ?
Becky: It was great. And I have no regret that we followed Jesse and Mark.
Stephanie: Speaking about Mark, where is he ?
Jesse: (Opening the door) Mark, ringing once is enough.
Danny: You want us to hear bells the rest of the week ?
Mark: Okay, I admit it, I am a button maniac.
Michelle: A button maniac ?
Mark: Yeah, you know, if I see a button I just have to push it. That's why I couldn't get out of that cab. I pushed the button of the door and it locked. That's the reason why I always wanted to work in a factory and push a button, and when I push it, a sign light up saying ‘the next can will be filled with tomato sauce now' and actually fill a can with tomato sauce, and that the whole day.
Stephanie: Why didn't you apply for such a job then ?
Mark: I don't like tomato sauce.
Michelle: (To the twins) Boys, I need your help. I'm investigating a serious crime in this house.
Alex: Al right!
Nicky: Double al right
We find DJ and Steve in their room...
Steve: Deej, why don't we go to that party ?
Steve: But think of the free food we will get.
DJ: Steve, don't take this personal, but that is so typical you.
Steve: What ? Go to parties ?
Michelle: DJ, Steve, please sit down.
Nicky: And don't say anything that can be used against you.
Alex: Or we will call a lawyer.
Playing cops ?
Steve: Like I told you, I didn't eat it.
Michelle: That's what they all say. Boys ?
Steve: Well, uh, I was.... What time did you say ?
Steve: Oh yeah, well, at that time I was sleeping.
Alex: Are you sure you weren't anywhere else ?
DJ: You were ? Why didn't you call me ?
Michelle: DJ, Steve, please, this is totally out of question.
DJ: Okay, Sherlock Tanner, ask on.
Michelle: Can we have your fingerprints ?
Alex: Please hold this funny-do.
Steve: I'm too old for that.
Nicky: No silly, so we have your fingerprints.
Michelle: We have to investigate everything.
Steve: Then DJ should also hold the funny-do. (He gives the stuff to DJ)
Alex: Good idea. Let's have everybody's fingerprints.
Thanks, but uh, aren't you overlooking a small problem here ?
DJ: Now I held the funny-do, Steve's fingerprints are erased.
Alex: DJ, how could you be that stupid! Steve, could you please hold it again
Nicky: What ?
Alex: Gee, this job is harder than we thought.
The next morning, we find Jesse, Danny and Stephanie in the living room...
Jesse: Europe was so great. One day I took the boys up the Eiffel Tower. The view was so great. We could look over the entire city of Paris. And the boys had fun too.
Stephanie: Let me guess, they had fun spitting down from the top of the tower.
Jesse: Yeah, that too.
Danny: Paris, that would be a great topic for the show.
Jesse: hat's what Becky thought, so she bought herself a video camera and made some kind of special for the show.
Danny: That's great.
Jesse: She only forgot to take the lens cap of the first day.
Stephanie: Well, then just say she taped Paris at night.
Jesse: There's only one bad thing about Paris.
Danny: And that would be....
Jesse: Perfume. We couldn't leave there until Becky had bought twelve different types of Perfume. I kept saying to her, honey, you already have ten bottles. But no, she insisted she should buy another one.
Danny: Then why didn't you just take her credit card ?
Stephanie: And right she was! A credit card is for a woman what Elvis is to you.
Danny: What did she say ?
Stephanie: Gee, how rude, what a suffering.
Danny: Jess, I can's believe you've fallen for that.
Jesse: Hey, there's nobody but Allejandro that can touch my boys' hair. Okay, and their own hairdresser then.
Stephanie: What else did you see from Europe ?
Joey walks in....
Joey: Carpe Diem!
Jesse: Wow, I never thought you had such a great knowledge of the roman language.
Joey: Ands then they say you can't learn from a comic.
Jesse: Why doesn't that surprise me anymore ? Anyway, did you know they still have some buildings from the roman period ?
Joey: I do. I bet they have a Caesar's Palace there. Just like Vegas.
Stephanie: No, I think uncle Jesse meant the mausoleum!
Jesse: Right. And we also saw the tower of Pisa.
Joey: (Imitating Popeye) Give me some spinach Olive, and I'll push that tower straight.
Danny: (Laughing) Joey, that would be a cultural murder. Nicky and Alex walk in...
Jesse: Okay, and then we went to Germany.
Stephanie: How was that ?
Nicky: And more bratwursts!
Jesse: Yeah, I believe that's the national meal.
Joey: (Singing) Oh Bratwurst, you beautiful sausage, fill my mouth with nice taste and make my belly round! Oh Bratwurst, make me crazy, make me fat, I can't live without you, you make me want more of you and more....
Stephanie: Joey, you're losing it !
Joey: Sorry, I just had to sing the German anthem!
We find DJ, Steve and Kimmy in the back yard sitting in the sun...
Kimmy: So Deej, have you decided yet if you go to Kathy Santoni's party ?
Kimmy: Well, I tried to think about not going, but it didn't work out.
Steve: Can you be some more clear than that ?
Steve: I know some reasons.
So you're going ?
Steve: I still don't get the point of not going.
DJ: Steve, we knew who Kathy Santoni was. We didn't have a great bond or something.
Steve: Yeah, okay, but who are you going for ? Kathy Santoni ? Or to see other people you haven't seen for a long time, and to have fun ?
DJ: Wow, that's a very good point Steve.
Steve: Must be the vitamins I eat every day.
DJ: No lack of them al right.
Kimmy: Okay, Deej, I'm going if you're going.
DJ: Okay, let's go then. I mean, if we don't like it, we can leave, right.
Steve: Right. What time does that party start ?
Kimmy: Tonight at 7:12.
DJ: No Kimmy, it's from 7 till 12.
Kimmy: Oh, isn't that the same as what I said ?
We find Stephanie in her room, as Gia walks in...
Gia: Steph, I need your help, I'm in deep trouble.
Stephanie: So you didn't do the dishes...
Gia: No, it's kind of different than that. I had a birthday party from an old friend of mine last night, and I think I drunk too much.
Stephanie: Gia, that's why I always skip the alcohol, to avoid the hangover and because I don't like what it can do to people.
Gia: Well, the last part has happened. I kind of made out with a boy I didn't like and I still don't like.
Stephanie: Then what's the problem ?
Gia: I made out a lot! And I mean really out!
Stephanie: You don't mean you...
Gia: (Nodding her head)Uhhuh! And I feel really stupid and I'm afraid I'm, well, you know, kind of...
Stephanie: I understand. But how can I help ?
Gia: I need a test, but I don't dare to buy one. Could you please...
Stephanie: I'll go with you if you want.
Gia: Great. Steph, let's go then. They leave...
We find Joey in his room, as Michelle and the twins enter...
Michelle: Okay deputy Nicky, close the door and search the room. Alex, you watch the door, Joey, you sit down and answer all my questions.
Joey: What's going on ?
Joey: And why would that be ?
Michelle: Joey, do I look like I like cake and would eat one ? Okay, forget I asked, that was a wrong question, let's go on with the interrogation. Where were you last night between nine and yesterday morning eight ?
Joey: In my bed.
Michelle: And do you have an alibi that can confirm that ?
Michelle: Sorry, but a doll doesn't count. (Writing) No alibi. Do you sleepwalk ?
Joey: Sometimes I do.
Michelle: (Writing) Sleepwalks.
Nicky: Michelle, I found something here. An empty plate.
Michelle: Ah, well well. What do you have to say about that Joey ?
Joey: Sometimes I go for a midnight snack, what's wrong with that ?
Michelle: Pie ?
Joey: No.. (Michelle looks with a severe look in her eyes) Okay, sometime, but only if I'm in the mood for pie. And I haven't been in that mood for weeks.
Nicky: Can I ask you a question ? Can we have your Pokemon puppets ?
Joey: No, I love those animals.
Michelle: Animals ? You mean monsters. Anyway, that's not important right now.
Joey: Anything else ?
Michelle: Yes, Joey, you are a suspect from now on, you are not allowed to leave the country till the investigation is over. Michelle and the twins leave the room...
Joey: Oh man! And I wanted to go to Tibet tomorrow!
We find Stephanie and Gia in Stephanie's room...
Gia: Thanks of coming with me.
Stephanie: That's what friends are for.
Gia: I'm so nervous, what if...
Stephanie :Gia, you haven't even performed the test yet. Michelle and the twins walk in...
Michelle: Stephanie, sit down, we are going to ask you some questions.
Stephanie: No you're not, we have some important things to do here, so play Sherlock with somebody else.
Michelle: There's nothing more important than...
Stephanie: (Pushing Michelle out of her room) Yes there is. Bye Michelle.
Michelle: (From the other side of the door) How rude!
Stephanie: (Shaking her head) What a nerves, first she enters my room, and then she steals my sentence. How rude!
Gia: Like her missing cake is so important.
Stephanie: I know. Now, are you ready for the test ?
Stephanie: Okay. If you do it now, you will know in five minutes or something. So just after five o clock.
Gia: Five o clock ? It's that late already! (Puts the test in her pocket)I have to go home. My mom has to work tonight, so we eat early. (She stands up and looses the test in Stephanie's room)
Stephanie: Good luck. Let me know what the result is, okay.
Gia walks away, Stephanie follows her....
We find DJ and Steve down in the garage...
What shall I wear tonight ?
Very funny, but which clothes ?
Steve, stay with me please, this is very important. What do I have to wear to
that party ? (Holding two dresses in front of her) This one, or this one
DJ: Steve, that really doesn't matter.
Steve: Sure it does, they both look the same. You bought two the same dresses because you liked them so much, remember.
DJ: Steve, you really don't get it, do you.
Steve: To be honest with you: no! Becky walks in...
Becky: Hi guys. Look, we bought something for Pam in Paris.
DJ: Oh, how sweet, you shouldn't have. What is it ? (She opens the package) Oh, how lovely, a French dress. It's beautiful. Thank you.
Steve: What's so French about that ? You can buy them in the mall too. Man, sometimes I really don't understand women. I need a snack. (He walks up the stairs)
Becky, you're a woman, you can help me. Which dress shall I wear ? This blue
one, or this one ?
We find Steve in the kitchen as Jesse walks down the stairs...
Steve: Can I ask you something ? You know everything about women, right ?
Steve: What is this strange thing with women and clothes ?
Jesse: Steve, that's something scientists still haven't figured out. For some reason, women can be very difficult if it comes to wearing clothes.
Steve: Tell me about it. DJ wants me to choose between two dresses for her.
Jesse: That's normal, women always do that.
Steve: Also with two dresses that are exactly the same ?
Jesse: Then too. But it's not the end yet
Steve: What do you mean ?
Jesse: Steve, what would a woman be without shoes ?
Steve: Oh my god, and she bought three new pair last week. (Running down the stairs) DJ, don't put any shoes on your feet!
Jesse: Glad I could help.
We find Danny walking into Stephanie's room with the vacuum cleaner...
Danny: Steph, are you in here ? (Looking around) No, you're not. (To the vacuum cleaner) Okay, my friend, make me proud of you. (He turns the vacuum cleaner on and starts singing) I'm a cleaner baby, that's why you shouldn't kill me.... Joey walks in...
Joey: Yeah man, let's rock! (Singing) Rocking like a rocking man....
Danny: (Turns the vacuum cleaner off) Joey, what's that for song ?
Joey: I don't know, every now and then you have to be inventive.
Danny: You should become a songwriter.
Joey: I know, but that's just one of my many talents. (He walks away)
Danny: (Turns the vacuum cleaner on again) What a mess is here, I'm glad you're here pal. (He sees the test Gia dropped) What's this ? (He turns off the vacuum cleaner) Oh my god. Stephanie! Stephanie! (He runs out of the room)
We find Michelle and the twins in the kitchen...
Michelle: We would almost forget a very important thing.
Nicky: To eat ?
Alex: Watch Bugs Bunny ?
Michelle: No, looking for clues at the spot of the crime.
Nicky + Alex: Oohh.
Michelle: We have been so busy interrogating other people, that we almost forgot this elementary thing about crime solving. So look for anything that could be a clue. They start searching...
Alex: I found something!
Michelle: What is it ?
Alex: A nickel!
Nicky: Cool. Now we gonna ask everybody who lost a nickel this week.
Michelle: Boys, a nickel has no use for this investigation. And besides, Alex' fingerprints are on it now, so it's useless anyway.
Alex: Then I keep it myself.
Nicky: What for ?
Nicky: Oh, okay.
Michelle: (Shaking her head) Boys, please stay with the case for once.
Nicky: Hey, what's this ?
Alex: A hair.
Michelle: Let me see that. Hmm, maybe we can use that.
Nicky: Shall I take it to the lab ?
Alex: What ?
Nicky: Shall we look for more clues ?
Michelle: Yes, you look on, while I examine this hair. (She walks away)
Alex: I'm tired of this game.
Nicky: Me too, let's go play with Comet. The boys run away...
We find Jesse and Stephanie in the living room when Becky walks in...
Becky: They're ready!
Stephanie: Cool, pictures!
Jesse: I'm interested to see if that photo the boys took looks good.
Becky: Honey, don't be mad, but they kind of didn't photograph your hair.
Jesse: What ? The best part of my body...
Becky: But honey, I think you've got a better part...
Stephanie: Hello, there are kids in this house that could walk in....
Becky: Okay. Look, isn't this one cute ?
Stephanie: Where is that ?
Stephanie: And that one ?
Jesse: Hotel room.
Stephanie: Okay, this room looks different...
Becky: Uh, can I have that one please.
Jesse: Ceiling of hotel room.
Stephanie: Okay. Let me guess, this one is also your hotel room ?
Stephanie: One question, did you take any normal photo's ?
Jesse: Yeah, but those are not interesting enough.
We find DJ and Steve in the kitchen...
Steve: Deej, do you really have to powder your nose again ? You have spend the last four hours getting dressed for that party.
DJ: I just wanna look great there. Kimmy walks in...
Kimmy: Hi guys, ready to go ?
Steve: I am. But I'm not sure about DJ.
Kimmy: Steve, don't you get it then ? Give a woman time to dress for a party.
Stephanie walks in from the living room....
Steve: Well Deej, that's one thing Kimmy does better than you. She doesn't take hours to find the right clothes and make-up.
Kimmy: Excuse me ? It took me 6 hours and twenty minutes to have my current look.
Stephanie: Kimmy, when will you learn that even 6 years are spoiled time for you to try to look good ?
Kimmy: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Stephanie: Don't worry, I won't, because you aren't.
Kimmy: Huh ?
DJ: Come on, let's go. DJ, Steve and Kimmy walk out of the kitchen door, as Danny walks down the stairs into the kitchen...
Danny: Stephanie, you're the one I'm looking for.
Stephanie: What did I do ?
Danny: (Interrupting) No, before you speak, listen to me. Steph, I know I want to but can't do it, but I hoped that you wouldn't....
Stephanie: Can you repeat that ? It confused me.
Danny: Steph, what I'm trying to say is that you're old enough to decide what you want to do, but I'm pretty sure I talked about, oh man, I can't say this, well, uh, protection.
Stephanie: I know. But dad...
Danny: No, I'm not done yet. When were you going to tell me about this test ? If you discovered you are pre...uh....pre....
Stephanie: Pregnant ? But I'm no...
Danny: Stephanie, honey, there are such things as, oh man, this is really not my favorite subject to talk about with you, but you know what I mean, don't you ?
Danny: Stephanie, I know it's your own responsibility, but this test can change your life, and you're still so young. But could you please promise me that if this test results in you not being preg... well you know, you will do it safe next time ? It also protects you from all kind of deceases...
Stephanie: Sure. (Takes the test from Danny) Then I'm now going to give this thing back to Gia.
Danny: You mean it isn't yours ?
Danny: Why didn't you say something before I spoke ?
Later, we find Stephanie at Gia's house...
Stephanie: Are you ready ?
Stephanie: Okay then. I'll wait here. Gia leaves for the bathroom...
Stephanie: You know how this works ?
Stephanie: Okay then. Gia walks back from the bathroom...
Stephanie: And ?
Stephanie: And what if you are, well, you know ?
Gia: Then I have a big problem. I don't want to have kids yet. I'm still so young. I rather wait till I'm fifty or something.
Stephanie: But what if you can't wait till you're fifty anymore ?
Gia: Then I have two options. Keep it or...
Stephanie: And that will be a hard choice huh. Is the time over yet ?
Stephanie: Let's see what the test says. They both look at the test. Gia starts crying, Stephanie puts her arm around her...
Stephanie: It's all gonna be okay Gia, it's all gonna be alright...
We find the whole clan except DJ, Stephanie and Steve in the living room...
Michelle: Okay family, we'll now tell you the results of our investigation.
Danny: I can't wait.
Joey: Me neither, they suspected me.
Michelle: No Joey, everybody was suspected. But now we are pretty sure about the real cake-eater.
Nicky: First there were only four people we could not suspect.
Alex: Me, Nicky, mom and dad.
Michelle: So there were five suspects left. Now, we asked dad, and he just can't have done it. And why do I think that ? Because if my dad had eaten that cake, he would have washed the empty plate. So, four people left. Now it became hard. DJ seems to be illogical, because she helped me make that cake. So three suspects left. Now, when I tried to ask Stephanie, she acted weird, so she stays suspect. Then we have Joey and Steve, and it's no secret that Steve can eat a whole cake, and Joey is a sweet cheek too.
Joey: yeah, but aren't you forgetting somebody ?
Michelle: Joey, do you honestly think I would eat the cake I made myself ?
Joey: It could be. You like cake too, you know.
Michelle: But I know I didn't, so I'm no suspect. Then, we found a clue in the kitchen. But before we can use it I have to know something. Dad, when did you last clean the counter ?
Danny: Two days ago. I wanted to check if that new cleaning stuff really works three days.
Michelle: So you cleaned it for the last time, before the crime took place. That leaves us with the clue. We found one hair. It's too light to be from Steve, and too brown for Stephanie.
Nicky: Do you feel it coming ?
Joey: What ?
Michelle: It also doesn't fit Joey's hair color. So there's only one person who can have eaten the cake.
Michelle: No, Comet! Comet, who's lying in front of the door raises his head...
Michelle: Comet, you ate that cake, didn't you!
Comet: (Looks down like he wants to say he's ashamed of himself)
Michelle: I take that as a “yes”.
Joey: So the case is solved ?
Michelle: I think so. It was one of Comet's hairs we found, so I think the case is closed.
Becky: Great. Then I have a surprise. I made a cake my self. I'll get it. And Comet, don't you think of touching it. (She walks into the kitchen)
Jesse: Trust me honey, he won't. And I don't think we will eat it too, with your cooking history... Becky walks in with the cake...
Becky: I heard that. You won't get a piece of cake now.
Jesse: Thank god. Becky takes a piece of cake and throws it in Jesse's face...
Jesse: Hey! The twins and Michelle also start a cake fight...
Danny: No, don't do that! I've just cleaned the living room.
Michelle: So what ? That means we can eat
from the floor!
All laugh and
Full House - The new stories
Michelle made a cake for Jesse, Becky and the twins, who come home from Europe, but somebody ate the cake before they got home. Together with Nicky and Alex she tries to find out who ate it. Gia is having problems herself after she had a wild party, and speaking about parties, DJ, Steve and Kimmy get invited to a party at Kathy Santoni's, but have doubts about going there....