Danny: Well Pam, watch carefully how I'm doing this. I'm sure you inherited my genes.
Danny: Oh, I love that twinkle in your eye. Don't tell your mother, but as soon as you can walk, I'll buy you a dust buster.
Danny: Oh look, there are some crumbs on the stairs! I think I should remind Joey he shouldn't take potato chips upstairs.
Danny: Oh yes. I know Joey has been a bad boy. But don't worry, we'll teach him some day! Now, let me tell you about the basic moves of vacuuming. First, we turn the vacuum cleaner on. Which is pretty useless now, as it is already on. Then, by moving forward and backward over the mess, it gets sucked up. And that's good!
Danny: Gee, I don't think I ever had such an interested audience when explaining about cleaning. I'm sure you'll save the values of this family. Some day, I will be so proud of you when you are dusting the bottles of cleaning supplies, which of course you will have ordered alphabetically.
Danny: Oh, hi Deej. How long have you been standing there ?
DJ: Long enough to see that you are trying to turn my little girl into a clean machine. But I think you can give it up dad. You already tried the same with Stephanie, Michelle and me, and see how we ended up.
Danny: Now that's why I start now while Pam can't disagree with me yet.
------------------------------------------ INTRO ------------------------------------------------
Kimmy: Hi Deej, hi squirt!
Michelle: Hello beanpole.
DJ: What's the matter Kimmy ? You look so excited.
Kimmy: I am. I finally got my phone number changed.
Michelle: Too bad you didn't change your address as well.
Kimmy: Remember I got that phone stalker chasing me over the phone line ? He's not going to bother me again now.
DJ: Kimmy, that wasn't a stalker. That was a mobile shoes salesman.
Kimmy: It was ? I better make sure the phone company changes the number back then.
DJ: Uh Kimmy, what's your new number then ?
Kimmy: I wrote it down, but left it at home. Call me later to ask. (She leaves the house)
Michelle: Hm, call her later on her new number to ask what the number is ? It's probably an easy one as well, so she won't forget it. Something along the lines of 555 – 5555..
DJ: I hate to say this about my best friend, but I guess she would get confused by the amount of 5's in that!
Joey: Girls, you have to see this!
Michelle: What ?
Joey: I can do a trick.
Jesse: Great, you have finally learned to roll over and sit up ?
Joey: No, I meant a magic trick. But if you stroke me I can give a paw.
Jesse: (Starts laughing) This is something I have to see.
Joey: Ok, I have two pieces of rope here. (He shows two pieces of ropes) I put them in this box, and say the magic word: “uncut!”. (He puts his hand in the box) And see what happened! (He takes one rope, the size of both other ropes together out of it).
DJ: Pretty good.
Michelle: How did you do that ?
Joey: With a little bit of magic!
Jesse: That's no magic... that's a rip off. (He takes the box and turns it upside down) See, those smaller ropes now fall out of it.... (Sees nothing falling out) Hey!
Joey: Like I said, it was magic, Jess.
Jesse: I don't believe it.
Joey: Well, if you don't believe in magic, I think I shouldn't try to un-split those ends in your hair, should I ?
Jesse: I have split ends ? Oh my god
Danny: Joey, don't you think it's time that sweater you're wearing gets washed ?
Joey: (Looks at sweater) Well... ketchup stain, mud stain, indefinable dirt... I love this sweater!
Danny: But it needs to be washed! I don't want bugs to be attracted into my house by your sweater.
Joey: Oh well, ok.
Michelle: Hey, what were those short ropes doing there ?
Joey: You know, I always wondered where those ropes went to when I do that magic.
Stephanie: What's going on ? You sounded upset over the phone.
Gia: Remember I did that pregnancy test last month ?
Stephanie: How can I forget ? My dad thought it was for me, and he was already trying to order a chastity belt for me.
Gia: Ok, then you also remember the outcome and what happened next ?
Stephanie: Gia, I'm not Kimmy Gibbler. I can remember things that happened longer than a second ago.
Gia: Right. Well, my mother found out about it.
Stephanie: I hate to say it, but I told you she would find out some day.
Gia: I know what you said, you don't have to remind me. I told you why she couldn't know. She's one of the people who calls abortion murder.
Stephanie: And, did she ? She was not happy that you had a pregnancy test anyway.
Gia: Well, I hoped she wouldn't find out that my ‘false alarm' story was a lie. But she did. One of our neighbours spotted me outside the clinic. So I came home today and she was raged. I just couldn't lie to her when she asked me directly.
Stephanie: And what happened then ?
Gia: Well, I don't think I have ever seen her look that mad. Steph, what do I have to do now ?
Stephanie: Go back and talk to her I guess.
Gia: I don't know if I can do that. You haven't seen her when she looked at me she...
Stephanie: What are you afraid of then ? That she's going to yell at you ? That you will be grounded ? Usually you're not scared of these things. So why should you be now ?
Gia: You have a point there, but I think this time is really different.
DJ: Hello ? No, we're not the church of Jesus. You want to confess ? Oh, you forgot to pray the last week. Well, you naughty man, God will forgive you if you put down the receiver and find the right number to call. Good day. (She puts down the receiver)
Danny: Someone looking for the church of Jesus again ?
DJ: Yeah. That must have been the fourth person calling for that in the last three days. Did you call the phone company yet ?
Danny: Yes I did. They told me that the church of Jesus has a different number at the end of the phone number... only one higher than hours.
DJ: It's getting annoying now though.
Mark: Good afternoon, my family!
Danny: Hey Mark. What brings you here ?
Mark: Your mother's car.
Danny: (smiling) And what reason drove you here ?
Mark: Uhm, I drove myself...
DJ: Do you have to take everything that literally ?
Mark: No, not everything. Just the things your dad asked me. But seriously now. I have an important announcement to make.
Danny: Break loose I'd say.
Mark: I'm not a herd of crazy cows!
Michelle: Hey boy, look who's here!
Nicky: Michelle, we have eyes!
Alex: Yeah, we can see it's not the Eastern Bunny!
Michelle: They are so bold today. Giving smart replies to anything I say.
Nicky: Maybe you shouldn't make dumb remarks then.
Michelle: See what I mean ?
DJ: Mark, you had an important announcement to make ?
Mark: Yep. I'm leaving San Francisco. I watched some travel program on tv yesterday and realised there's plenty of time left to settle in one place, but there's so many places I want to see. So I decided I'm going to travel the world.
Danny: That sounds great. When will you be leaving ?
Michelle: Tomorrow ? My favourite cousin is leaving tomorrow ?
Alex: You mean your second favourite cousin! We are your favourites.
Nicky: Yeah, but we are with two, so Mark would be third!
Alex: Good thinking brother!
Mark: I know it's soon, but I feel that if I don't leave now, it will never happen.
DJ: But don't you need any preparations then ?
Mark: No. I packed my stuff already, I don't have a job, and no duties here.
Danny: But what about vaccination against tropical diseases ?
Mark: I'm going to Europe first. I can get these vaccinations there. It's all arranged.
Michelle: And is there any way to talk you out of it ? I will miss you.
Nicky: Me too!
Alex: Me three!
Mark: I will miss you guys too. You are my family. But I want to do this. And I promise I will write you regularly.
Jesse: Joey, I really don't think our listeners are interested in hearing about your witchcraft.
Joey: It's called Magic.
Jesse: Witchcraft, magic, what's the difference ?
Joey: Well... you have Sabrina, which is magic, and you have the Blair Witch, which is witchcraft,
Jesse: Again, what's the difference ? They're both witches.
Joey: From my point of view, witchcraft is used for bad things, magic for good things.
Jesse: None of your magic worked so far, so you're thing is not good so according to your own logic you're a witch then, and not a magician.
Joey: Jess, you are completely missing the point here.
Jesse: What point ?
Joey: That I try to practice magic. I'm a magician.
Jesse: It's all fake.
Joey: Oh yeah, then how do you explain the fact that I made a red handkerchief out of a marble ?
Jesse: You have sneaky sleeves.
Joey: I have not. Here, have a look, what do you see ?
Jesse: (Looks at Joey's sleeves) More handkerchiefs.
Joey: Okay... bad example to show you my emergency backup. Tell me, you read the boys from Harry Potter books didn't you ?
Jesse: That's right yeah. I did, until you borrowed these books and never returned them to me. When will you return them ?
Joey: Once I am finished reading. But stick with me here... do you honestly believe that Harry doesn't get invisible when he's under his invisibility cloak ?
Jesse: Well, we didn't see Comet last week when he was under the carpet looking for his rubber bone.
Joey: A-ha, but we did see the carpet, didn't we ?
Jesse: Yes, so what ?
Joey: So... an invisibility cape works better then!
Jesse: Those cloaks don't even exist.
Joey: Not true. Have you ever seen one ?
Joey: Well, that doesn't proof they don't exist does it ? But it does proof that those things work pretty well.
Jesse: No it doesn't. Where ever you hide, you will not be seen by anyone if you do it the right way.
Joey: True. Last week when you played hide and seek with the twins, they found you easily, whilst I couldn't be found by them.
Jesse: Because I wasn't playing, and you were at the toilet.
Joey: Jess, we're wandering off here.
Jesse: No, you are wandering off, I'm not.
Joey: Yes you are.
Jesse: No I'm not.
Joey: I'm not ?
Jesse: No, you are.
Joey: So you are ?
Jesse: No, you are.
Joey: That's what I said, isn't it ? You are. And as you aren't me, you said you are, so I won.
Jesse: No I didn't.
Joey: Oh, yes you did Jess.
Jesse: No I didn't. Maybe based on your logic I did, but not on mine.
Joey: Ah, so you're saying I was right!
Jesse: No I wasn't!
Joey: Yes you were.
Jesse: No I wasn't.
Joey: Yes you were, admit it.
Jesse: Was not!
Joey: Was too!
Jesse: Was not!
Joey: Was too!
Jesse: Was not!
Joey: Was not!
Jesse: Was too....
Joey: Oh yes! Finally you admitted it!
Jesse: I did ? Damn, I did... but you cheated!
Joey: No I didn't.
Jesse: Yes you di... why are we starting this all over again ?
Joey: I don't know. Let's go back to magic..
Jesse: Not again!
Joey: Yes again! We weren't finished yet!
Jesse: We were. You use tricks to pretend you have witchcraft...
Joey: Magic... and I don't use tricks. How else do you explain that when I screamed darkness last night, the lights went off ?
Jesse: Because coincidentally there was a power drain that put half of the city in darkness at the same time!
Joey: Okay, let me proof this to you once and for all. Give me your watch Jesse.
Jesse: My watch ? Why ? You have one yourself.
Joey: I can do a trick with a watch.
Jesse: And why do you have to use mine ?
Joey: Well, if I used mine, you would not believe me.
Jesse: Okay, but be careful with it.
Joey: Jess, you know me.
Jesse: Exactly, that's why I don't think it's such a good idea.
Joey: Don't worry Jess, if this trick works you won't even notice I touched it.
Jesse: What's this all about ?
Joey: Trust me. Okay, let's see... (He takes a hammer out of his pocket) Here we go.
Jesse: Joseph ? What are you going to do with that hammer ?
Joey: Smash your watch, what else ? But don't worry, I got everything under control. First, I say the magic word: “indestructibility”. And then... (Joey smashes the hammer on the handkerchief) Okay Jess, if everything went okay, your watch won't have a scratch!
Jesse: Joey, why didn't you unfold it so I can see it ?
Joey: Well Jess, that's a funny story. Remember I said “if” the trick goes right ? Well, that turned out to be a very big “if”.
Jesse: Give me that! (Jesse unfolds the handkerchief and picks up his, now completely wrecked, watch) My watch! Joey, give me that hammer please.
Joey: Why ?
Jesse: So I can try that test on you.
Joey: I think I better keep the hammer then.
Jesse: Give me that you....
Jesse: Hello ? Oh hi, Alison.... What ? We are ? Ok, thanks for informing us... (To Joey) Joey... why didn't you push the “off the air” button ?
Joey: Because I snapped my finger to get us off the air.
Jesse: And, did it work ?
Joey: Well... (Looks at light above them, which shows “on air”) uh... no. I guess my finger was taking a break...
Jesse: I will break your fin.... (realises he is still on the air) Well listeners, wasn't that fun... a scene from the play “Who used the “your brains are gone” spell on Joey!”.
Gia: Steph, say what you want, but I really believe my mother just ran away. Why else wouldn't she be at home ?
Stephanie: There's probably a reasonable explanation. Maybe she was doing groceries ?
Gia: I don't think so.
Stephanie: Or maybe she was looking for you.
Gia: Yeah right. Like she would look for her own daughter, who did something she hates so much. Abortion is like murder to her. The fact that her own daughter got an abortion makes her a disgrace to the MAMA.
Stephanie: The what ?
Gia: The Mothers Against Murderish Abortion. Some club she's a member of. They demonstrate every now and then. To her it's really something not done. Every impregnated egg is a full life form according to her. Every time she says so, I make fun out of her, saying I'd rather have my eggs boiled than impregnated.
Stephanie: Baked egg with ham or bacon is nice too.
Gia: True. But the point here is that I did something against her believes. And she will feel betrayed by me.
Jesse: Come one! We don't have all day!
Joey: Jesse, shouting isn't going to make these cars go faster.
Jesse: I know. Those turtles should just hit the gas pedal, so they actually drive.
Joey: Even when the traffic light is red ?
Jesse: Hm, that might get messy, right ?
Joey: Indeed. I might be able however, to influence these lights.
Jesse: How ?
Joey: I'm a magician, I'm going to tell my secrets.
Jesse: Oh no, do we get that nonsense again ?
Joey: Trust me Jesse. All I need to do is to get closer to the traffic light.
Jesse: This can't be good.
Michelle: I'll go.
Nicky: Okay, bye!
Alex: Bring a souvenir when you come back!
Michelle: I meant I'm going to open the door, huh!
Alex: Then what are you standing here for ?
Nicky: The door won't open by itself!
Michelle: (Waving her hands in the air) When will this horror stop!
Becky: Boys, why are you being so bold to your cousin ?
Alex: Because that's funny.
Nicky: We like smart replies.
Alex: So we are giving them.
Becky: And do you think you're funny ?
Nicky: Of course. Why would we do something we don't have fun at ?
Alex: That would be stupid!
Becky: Boys, it might be funny at times, but if you continue doing it, it can drive people mad.
Alex: Really ?
Becky: Yes, really. It can hurt people.
Nicky: We don't want to do that.
Michelle: I believe Gia is upstairs with Stephanie.
Claire: Thank you. (she walks up the stairs)
Becky: Now boys, do you have something to say against Michelle ?
Nicky: We're sorry we were bad.
Alex: We will never do it again.
Michelle: It's okay boys. And never is a bit harsh, just don't do it all the time.
Alex: And what if it's Kimmy Gibbler we can tease ?
Michelle: Well, Kimmy is an exception I guess. She just asks for it.
Stephanie: Michelle, I told you we don't want to be interrupted.
Claire: Does that count for me as well ?
Stephanie: I just remembered! I have to uhm... get the bananas out of the fridge, I'm cooking tonight, and I'm making uhm... banana soup. (She walks off, shaking her head, talking to herself) Banana soup ? What a lame excuse....
Claire: So, here you are.
Gia: Yep. Here I am.
Gia: So... Mom, I'm sorry. I know I must have hurt your feelings by having an abortion, but I couldn't see myself raising a kid.
Claire: You're right. You did hurt my feelings. But not because of that abortion. You hurt my feelings by not telling me the truth.
Gia: But I thought you would be mad if you knew what I had done. I know how you hate people that have an abortion. And I didn't want you to hate me.
Claire: I could never do that. I can never hate you.
Gia: Well, I take it you're pretty mad at me for having a child removed...
Claire: No. I can live with that.
Gia: You can ?
Claire: Yes. I know I'm against abortion. I have said it's murder so many times. Don't get me wrong honey, I still think that way. But whatever I think about something, doesn't mean you can't disagree. It's your life, it's your choice, and even though I don't agree with what you have done, I will still respect your choice.
Gia: You do ? But you always say that it's the wrong choice, and that people should have thought about the consequences before they created the situation in which an abortion was necessary.
Claire: Yes, and I still support that thought. But you're my daughter. How can I hate you for making your own choices ? Even if you do something I don't like, I will still love you, always. But whatever you do, just be honest about it.
Gia: I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth at first. I just didn't want to hurt you, but I guess I did so after all. Can you forgive me ?
Claire: Of course I can. Come here.
Steve: I'll take it. Hello ? Sorry, but I think you have the wrong number. What ? That's terrible but... no, I'm not a priest, I am a married man! Woa lady, don't yell at me like that. You're even worse than the fat lady that called me greedy at that new buffet restaurant last week. Like I could help being hungry. (He puts down the phone)
DJ: Another one of these church phone calls ?
Steve: Yeah. The lady on the other end of the line hung op on me and called me names.
Stephanie: How rude! I sure hope she didn't use any curse containing G-O-D ? If that's the case, she might call again to confess.
Stephanie: My turn I guess. (She picks up the receiver) Hello, God's house of pleasures speaking. If you're looking for Saint Peter, he's not here at the moment, and neither is lord Jesus, they went on a fishing trip to the Rocky Mountains. In case you want to speak to anyone else, you might consider calling back later, as they are all attending the party for Adam and Eve's birthday. Of course, you can always leave a message after the beep... Oh, hi uncle Jesse. What ? Okay, I'll tell her. (she puts down the receiver).
DJ: Don't you think that speech was a little bit too blunt ?
Stephanie: Maybe it could be somewhat milder. It's a bad idea to endanger the place in heaven that's reserved for me, is it.
DJ: What did uncle Jesse want ?
Stephanie: He asked if I can tell aunt Becky he might be home a little bit later. They are at the police station for some reason.
Becky: Officer, I got a phone call from my husband that I could find him here.
Officer: You're misses Katsopolis ?
Becky: That's right.
Officer: One minute. (He grabs some keys). Follow me please.
Jesse: Honey, thank god you're here.
Becky: Okay, what did you do this time ?
Jesse: I was the good one this time.
Becky: Really ?
Joey: It's true. I tried some magic trick on the traffic lights, but it didn't work.
Jesse: He was standing in front of the cars, waving his hands around. I tried to stop him, but a police car spotted us and arrested us.
Becky: And what happens now ?
Officer: Well, I am a fan of David Copperfield. So if the amateur magician can promise he'll keep his tricks away from traffic next time, they will get away with a warning.
Joey: You have my word. I think I give up magic all the way. I guess I'm just not born to be a magician.
Jesse: That's the smartest thing I heard you say today.
Gia: Stephanie, can I speak to you in private ?
Gia: I want to thank you for calling my mother.
Stephanie: So she told you ?
Gia: Yeah, she did. At home we had a long, serious talk. And you know, after all her reaction was not as bad as I expected it to be.
Stephanie: Hello Mark. What did I hear ? Are you leaving ?
Mark: I am. Travelling the world.
Gia: You're leaving ?
Mark: Yes, I am. It's been a hard decision. Leaving my family and friends behind. But I feel I have to.
Stephanie: I'll be in the living room (she leaves)
Gia: How long will you be gone ?
Mark: I don't know. Until I think I travelled enough.
Gia: Wow, this is shocking.
Mark: I know it must be hard. I have had doubts for a long time, but yesterday, I suddenly made the decision, and tomorrow morning my plane will take off.
Gia: It is sudden for sure.
Mark: Look, I know we used to have something for a little while, and that's making it so hard. Even though we decided we were better off just being friends, I still see you as a very special girl in my life. But I feel I have to do this.
Gia: I understand. Just write me every now and then.
Mark: I will, I promise.
Michelle: So this is it ?
Mark: Yeah, this is it. Time to say goodbye.
Danny: Your appearance a few years ago might have been unexpected, but I really see you as a part of our family now.
Michelle: Yeah. The best older cousin one can wish for.
Jesse: Thanks Mark. For everything you've done for me. Your help with the Smash Club, my come-back and such. I really appreciate it.
Stephanie: I'll miss you. I hope you'll be back soon.
Mark: I will miss every and each of you as well. You're my family. A few years ago, I would have done anything to have such a nice family, but I want to follow up my dream, and see something from the world. But I promise that I'll return save and sound some day.
Mark: I'm sorry I can't stay for too long. My plane is leaving early tomorrow morning, and I have a few last things to take care of here. I'll miss you guys, and I promise I'll write you as much as I can.
Joey: Well, you know what they say. Whenever you want to return home, all you have to do is say ‘Beam me up Scotty!'
Mark: I'll keep that in mind Spock. Goodbye everyone.
----------------------------------------- End Tune ----------------------------------------------
Jesse: Jesse Katsopolis
Danny: Danny Tanner
Joey: Joey Gladstone
DJ: DJ Tanner-Hale
Stephanie: Stephanie tanner
Michelle: Michelle Tanner
Becky:Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson-Katsopolis
Nicky: Nicky Katsopolis
Alex: Alex Katsopolis
Steve: Steve Hale
Kimmy: Kimmy Gibbler
Gia: Gia Mahan
Mark: Mark Tanner
Pam: Pam Hale (DJ's baby)
Comet: The dog
Claire: Claire Mahan
Officer: Police Officer
(46) 238 - It's A Kind Of Magic
Joey has found a new hobby: magic tricks. The only problem is he might be not as good as he thinks. Gia has kept a secret for her mom, who found out about it. And Mark has big plans for the future.
Martin van Dam
Martin van Dam
Full House was originally created by
Martin van Dam, 2004