Fan Fiction - Written by Other Authors

Who Want's to be A Tanner Millionaire
Written by: Nano

[Teaser: We find Jesse and Joey in the Living room]

Joey: All right, Dexter's Lab marathon on Cartoon Network.

Jesse: Joseph, you are 38 years old, isn't it time that you gave the cartoons a rest.

Joey: You're one to talk, can you even pass a mirror without looking at your hair.

Jesse: Wow, wow, wow, wow, that's different.

Joey: How is it different?

Jesse: Well it, it..., you see... Yeah well you're just a 38year old cartoon lover.

Joey: How's this for a bet, I'll give up cartoons for a day, and you'll give up having your world centred around hair, and we'll see who can last the longest.

Jesse: You're on.

[Michelle, Nicky and Alex enter]

Nicky: Joey, guess what we got. "Pinky and the Brain" video special.

Alex: With scenes never shown on Tv.

Michelle: Only $12.95 at the Warner Brothers Store. Fuzzy toys sold separately.

Joey: Sold separately, but you got them right.

Jesse: Joey, you promised.

Alex: Hey, Dad, I got this in the sales at the Elvis shop.

[He shows an Elvis comb that plays songs as you comb your hair]

Jesse: Sale at the Elvis shop... Joey wants to forget our little bet.

Joey: [putting a funny voice on] That's the best suggestion I ever did hear.


[We find Danny, Michelle, Stephanie and Joey in the livingroom, watching Tv]

Danny: Enough cartoons Joey, I think after 12 hours you are all Dextered out.

Joey: There is no such thing as too much Dexter.

Danny: It's time for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" You know they offered me this job. Chris Tarrant himself phoned me up and said "Mr. Tanner, you are the only one I'd trust to host my show in the US." But I couldn't leave "Wake up San Francisco"

Steph: Not this story again. Dad, if you were hosting this, we would be Millionaires.

Danny: Shhhh, would you listen.

[On Tv] Regis: Ok, this is for $32,000. Who hosts the ABC show, "Americas Funniest Home Videos?"

Danny: I know this one.

Regis: "Is it A: Dave Coulier, B: John Stamos, C: Bob Saget, or D: Scott Weniger?"

Danny: Stamos!

Steph: You fool, it's Coulier.

Joey: Yeah, Coulier.

Michelle: I think it was Saget.

Danny+Steph+Joey: No way, definitely, not Saget.

[On Tv] Contestant: I think it was Stamos, but I'm not sure.

Danny: Of course it was Stamos, come on man say B.

Contestant: "I'll go 50:50"

Regis: Ok, computer take away two wrong answers. [The Computer leaves Coulier, and Saget.]

Joey: Told you it was Coulier.

Contestant: It's Bob Saget

Regis: Sure?

Contestant: I'm 90% sure.

Regis: Is that you're final answer?

Danny: Of course it's his final answer, would you look at him!

Contestant: Yes.

Joey: No, it's Coulier, you fool.

Regis: If you said Coulier ............. You'd be leaving here with 32,000. Saget is the right answer, correct.

Danny: Who was so sure it was Coulier?

Joey: Be quiet, I think this guy will go all the way, look, he's just got $125,000 and has two lifelines left.

Danny: Don't say that, you know it's always a jinx when you say that.

Regis: Ok, for $250,000. What famous Irish drink was invented in Leixlip, Co. Kildare, Ireland. Is it A: Guinness, B: Whiskey, C: Bailey's or D: Harp.

Steph: Guinness.

Danny: How do you now that? You're not 21 yet.

Steph: Ummm, hey look he's on to the $500,000 question .

Regis: Ok, now for $500,000. Who wrote the play, "Philadelphia here I come" ? Is it A: William Shakespeare, B: W.B. Yates C: Thomas Hardy or D: Brian Friel .

Danny: You're allowed to know this one Steph. I certainly don't .

Steph: Got me.

Michelle: I don't know.

Joey: My expertise ends outside of Hannah Barbara.

[Kimmy walks into room]

Kimmy: Friel.

Contestant: Yates?

Regis: I'm sorry , the answer is Friel.

Steph+Danny+Michelle+Joey: How did you know?

Regis: And now I'd like to welcome our next contestant, Kimberly Gibbler, from San Francisco.

Steph+Danny+Michelle+Joey: What? How did you get on that show.

[On Tv] Kimmy: Hi, Uncle Regis.

Regis: Sshhhh. Ok, your first question. Hey, this looks like a fix. What American City is the home of Golden Gate Bridge? Is it A: San Francisco, where you live [winks, wink]. B: New York. C: Boston or D: Chicago.

Kimmy: Can I phone a friend?

Regis: What? Are you sure you do not want to say A?

Kimmy: I think it is a trick question. I want to phone Jesse.

Regis: Ok, then "Hello is that Jesse"

[on Tv] Jesse: Yes, talk to me.

Regis: This is Regis Philman on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"

Jesse: Wow, I'm going to be on the show, man, I must get my hair done, man I'm so excited, [shouting] Becky I'm going to be on national Tv.

Regis: No, I'm sorry, I've just got one of your friends here, who needs you help in answering a question.

Jesse: Oh, well, they can split some of the winnings with me, who is it, Danny? Joey? Stephanie?

Regis: No, it's a young woman named......

Jesse: Young woman? It must be one of my ex's. Sorry girls, I'm a married man now.

Regis: No it's your neighbour Kimmy Gibbler.

Jesse: Kimmy? How did she get on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"?

Kimmy: I begged Uncle Regis.

Regis: Shhh Kimmy or I won't help you in the three-legged race afterwards. Anyway, the next voice you will hear is Kimmy's and you have thirty seconds to give her an answer.

Kimmy: Hi, Jesse.

Jesse: Kimmy, are you wearing shoes. I smell something bad.

Kimmy: I get nervous on Tv. Anyway the Question is, Where is The Golden Gate Bridge. Is it in A....

Jesse: Clue you see it every day.

Kimmy: Ok, thanks Jesse. It's Chicago, Regis.

Regis: How do you see that every day?

Kimmy: I have a Bulls poster in my bedroom.

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Kimmy: yes, I mean no, I mean yes Chris, it's my final answer.

Regis: I'm your Uncle Regis, I mean Chris Tarrant hosts the show in England. Anyway, you said Chicago, and it's the right answer.

Kimmy: Yes, $100

[in living room] Danny: But the Golden Gate is in San Francisco.

Kimmy: No, it's not, Uncle Regis said Chicago.

[back on Tv] Regis: Ok, next question. What day year was Independence Day in. A: 1776, B: 1996, C: 1879 or D: 1456

Kimmy: I know this one, I went to see that movie.

Regis: No, the actual Independence Day, the end of the war of Independence.

Kimmy: It was based on a real event. I didn't know aliens existed. I'll say 1996.

Regis: I'm sorry, the correct answer is, 1776.

Kimmy: But will smith wasn't born then Uncle Regis.

Regis: Ok, the question wasn't clear, we'll give you it.

Kimmy: $200 yay, now I can afford to buy new socks.

[in the livingroom] Steph: You bought new socks?

Kimmy: No, but I can afford them.

[on Tv] Regis: Right, for $300. What is the opposite of an odd number? Is it A square number, B. Even number, C. Prime Number or D. Rational.

Kimmy: I never went to Maths class. I didn't know there were odd numbers, what so strange about them, are they in freak shows? Man even numbers can be odd, what a world we live in.

Regis: Did I hear you say even numbers, correct, you have $500 .

Kimmy: No I didn't.

[In Livingroom]

Danny: Why isn't he annoying the hell out of you like he does everyone else.

Kimmy: Because he knows I'm a smart, attractive young woman.

Danny: No, really?

Kimmy: Because he's married to my Mom's sister and she'd kill him.

[on Tv]

Regis: Congratulations Kimberly, you are now on $16,000. Ok, for $32,000. What is the name of the morning talkshow hosted by Danny Tanner and Rebecca Donaldson in San Francisco? Is it A. Wake up San Francisco, B. Wake up Chicago, C. Wake up New York, or D Wake up Dublin?

Kimmy: Can I phone a friend?

Regis: You already did.

Kimmy: Ok, can I ask the audience then?

Regis: Are you sure that you don't know it.

Kimmy: I said, I'll ask the audience Chris. I saw on Wake Up San Francisco there the other day they were talking about this, Danny was saying that you always try to make people feel nervous.

Regis: Wake up San Francisco's the right answer, you're now guaranteed $32,000 .

[In the livingroom]

Steph: You know down through the years Kimmy, I've always liked you, and I think you know that. What I mean to say is, do you want a chocolate sundae?

Kimmy: certainly, but keep watching, look I've just won $250,000.

Danny: This is obviously fixed, I'm sure I would win the million easily.

Joey: Calm down Danny, remember Kimmy is our friend, and what do friends do, help friends spend money .

[Jesse walks in]

Danny: Jess, why didn't you tell us that Kimmy was on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Jesse: You didn't ask. Anyway, I doubt she won much, she phoned me for $100

Danny: Look, she's being asked the million dollar question.

[on screen]

Regis: And now for $1,000,000 how many toes does the human foot have?

A. 7 B. 10

C. 5 D. 27

Kimmy: I dunno, I haven't seen my feet in months, let me check.

[She starts to take off her shoe]

[In the livingroom]

Jesse+Joey+Michelle+Steph+Danny: No Kimmy, don't.

[On Tv. Regis has fainted. One by one audience and crewmembers are dropping]

Kimmy: Is it late, everyone's sleeping. Ok, 5, I win a million, yay.

[back in living room]

Kimmy: They made me give all the money back because for same reason they blamed me for everyone falling asleep.

Danny: So, near and yet so far. Lets look at a regular contestant now.

[On Tv]

Regis: Ok, put these in order of how much they cost, A. Big Mac, B. McChicken Sandwich, C. Big King, D. Nachos.

And I've never seen that before. One contestant answered that question in .5 sec. Ok, let me meet you, Mr. Steve Hale.

[In Livingroom}

All: Here we go again.