Fan Fiction - Written by Other Authors

Be Gone, Ida
Written by: Steve T.


(DJ is in the kitchen feeding Pam when Steve walks in)
Steve: Hey, Deej, I just came in here to get a bag of chips.
DJ: Steve, you just had a bag of chips five minutes ago.
Steve: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
DJ: You ought to keep track of all the foods you eat, it will remind us all when we need to go back to the supermarket.
Steve: That's not a bad idea.
DJ: Let's start now. (Walks over to the garbage and begins to take stuff out) Let's see, a chocolate pudding cup-no, two cups, a bag of jellybeans, a chicken bone, dog biscuits. Hm, Comet must've had some.
Steve: (pulls the box of dog biscuits toward him) Uh...
DJ: (Looks at Steve with disgust) Oh, god, don't tell me you ate those too.
Steve: Hey, they looked just like people-cookies. The manufacturers should really watch out for that.
DJ: I think you're the one that needs to watch out.

(Jesse is in the attic reading a magazine when Becky comes rushing in)
Becky: Jess, I have great news!
Jesse: Elvis is coming for dinner?
Becky: Jess, Elvis is dead.
Jesse: Shoot, I thought the second part of the good news was that he was alive this whole time.
Becky: I've got even better news, my aunt Ida is coming to visit this Friday.
Jesse: That's good news?
Becky: Well, at least for me it is.
Jesse: Then you should've said, "Jess, good news for me, bad news for you."
Becky: One more thing, she's spending the night.
Jesse: (picks up a glass of water from the table and splashes it in his face)
Becky: What did you do that for?
Jesse: To see if I'm having a nightmare, but it's just hell on earth.
Becky: Oh, come on, why don't you want to see Aunt Ida?
Jesse: 'Cause she's never had anything nice to say to me. And she's always calling me hoodlum.
Becky: Well, I'm sure if you show her your good side, she'll like you very much.
Jesse: I did show her my good side and you know what she said? (Imitating Ida's voice) "You don't fool me, hoodlum."
Becky: Look, she loves you in just a spiteful way.
Jesse: (sarcastically) Oh, that makes a lot of sense, Beck.
Becky: Well, I gotta go run a few errands. Oh, and one more thing. I've invited Ida to sleep on the couch up here.
Jesse: This nightmare keeps getting worse.
Becky: (while walking out) And we're taking her out to breakfast in the morning.
Jesse: Might as well start digging my grave.

(Stephanie and Michelle are in the living room on the computer)
Michelle: Let's check our e-mail.
Stephanie: Okay. (Clicks the mouse)
Michelle: (Points to the screen) Oh, look at that message.
Stephanie: Let's see. It says that you must send this letter to at least twenty people. If you don't, you will have bad luck for the rest of your life. But if you send it to twenty people, you will have good luck. What a bunch of garbage.
Michelle: Steph, aren't you going to send it?
Stephanie: Michelle, those chain letters are just a bunch of nonsense. People send them to you so they can waste others' time.
Michelle: Go ahead, have bad luck and misfortune for all eternity! I'm going to play it safe.
Stephanie: Whatever.(gets up and starts to walk up the stairs and runs into Uncle Jesse)
Jesse: Steph, just this once, I permit you to slap me across the face.
Stephanie: Well, alright. (Slaps him across the face)
Jesse: Ow! Well, I guess I'm never gonna wake up from this nightmare.
Stephanie: What's wrong, Uncle Jesse?
Jesse: Ah, well, Becky's aunt Ida is coming to visit.
Stephanie: Isn't she the one that always calls you punk?
Jesse: No, that's her aunt Fiona. This one always calls me hoodlum.
Stephanie: (sarcastically) Well, it's nice to see Aunt Becky's family thinks very highly of you. J
Jesse: Ha, ha. Gosh, I wish I was busy so I couldn't see Aunt Ida. But I'm not, so maybe I should tell a little white lie.
Stephanie: If there's one thing I know about your wife, it's that she can tell when you're lying. She'll never believe you have plans, she'll know you're trying to weasel your way out of seeing Ida.
Michelle: If only Ida couldn't make it.
Jesse: Yeah, Steph, Becky will never believe-hold on. What did you say Michelle?
Michelle: If only Ida couldn't make it.
Jesse: (excitedly) That's it. I just gotta find some way to make Ida busy on Friday.
Stephanie: Hey, we'll look up some things online for you and see if there's any events Ida would be interested in.
Jesse: Great, thanks girls, you're lifesavers.
Stephanie: You're welcome. (starts to walk back down the stairs and trips)
Michelle: Ha, that bad luck is kicking in.

(We find Danny and Joey outside with the twins)
Danny: So, boys, are you ready to do some yard work?
Nicky: I'm ready.
Alex: Double ready.
Joey: Triple ready.
Danny: I wasn't talking to you, silly.
Joey: Hey, when I heard that double ready, I just had a yearning to throw in that triple ready.
Alex: So, can we push the fun lawnmower.
Joey: Ha, ha, the fun lawnmower is all mine boys.
Danny: You guys can't use the lawnmower, you're still too small. Thus, you get a small job. You get to water the plants.
Nicky: Aw, nuts!
Alex: Double nuts!
Danny: Oh my! Well, anyway, here's the watering can. (Begins to hand it to the boys but then pulls it back) Wait! I forgot, you have to wash your hands before touching the watering can.
Nicky: Relax, Uncle Danny, we just washed our hands five minutes ago.
Danny: Oh, no. You have to wash your hands no more than two minutes prior to touching the can. It says it in chapter thirteen of Danny Tanner's Guide to a Clean Life pamphlet. Now go inside and wash your hands.
Alex: This guy's crazy!

(The twins walk inside when DJ and Steve walk out)
DJ: Come on, Steve! You're gonna mow the lawn. You have to start pulling your weight around here.
Steve: I do my share! I eat your food.
DJ: And how is that doing work.
Steve: The less food for you to become fat on.
DJ: (sarcastically) Oh, well we appreciate that kind, kind gesture, but you're still mowing the lawn.
Joey: Deej, I already got it covered.
DJ: You two have been working hard all day. Go inside and relax. (Danny,
Joey:, and Steve walk inside but DJ grabs Steve) I didn't mean you.
Steve: Oh.
DJ: Now, you mow the lawn. I'm gonna help Nicky and Alex water the plants.
Steve: Can we switch jobs?
DJ: I think you can handle cutting the grass.
Steve: Okay, Deej, I gotta be honest with you. I don't know how to use a lawn mower.
DJ: What? You never learned? Didn't anyone ever teach you?
Steve: (scratches his head) Hm...Well, my Uncle Harry tried to teach me once but I was too busy eating my aunt's double-fudge-layered cake.
DJ: (pats Steve on the shoulder) Well, you have a lot to learn.

(We find Jesse on his motorcycle and putting a flyer in Ida's mailbox)
Jesse: Take that, Ida!
(All of a sudden Becky pulls up in the driveway)
Becky: Take what, Jess?
Jesse: Darn. So, what brings you here, Beck?
Becky: I was in the neighborhood running some errands when I decided to pay my aunt a visit. But the more interesting question is why are you here, and what did you put in the mailbox?
Jesse: Oh, well, I wanted to show Ida what a good Samaritan I am by offering to deliver her mail.
Becky: (Walks to the mailbox and takes out the flyer and reads it aloud) Manicure and Pedicure Festival this Friday at 7 o'clock. Wow, Jess, this festival just happens to be when Ida planned to visit us. You're not trying to give her an excuse not to come, are you?
Jesse: (hesitating) Well...not per say.
Becky: Oh, come on, I know why you came here for. But why? Why can't you spend just one night with my family.
Jesse: I don't have to and I don't want to.
Becky: I've spent nine years with your family and you can't even spend one night with mine?
Jesse: Well...You have a point there. But my family is more kind and hospitable than Ida.
Becky: No family is perfect Jess. Your family has a lot of flaws too. Do you think I enjoy waking up every morning to the sound of Danny vacuuming? Do you think I like not having a chance to eat a sufficient meal because the human-eating-machine named Steve consumes most of the food in the house? Do you think I like the sight, sound, and smell of Kimmy Gibbler? Do you-
Jesse: Alright, alright, you've made your point. Look, Beck, I'm sorry, I just never realized that before. You put up with a lot from my family, and I can do likewise.
Becky: So you'll let Ida spend the night.
Jesse: Let's just say I'll try to tolerate her as much as possible.
Becky: Good!
(All of a sudden Ida comes out)
Ida: Hey, how are you Beck?
Becky: Great Aunt Ida.
Ida: And I see you brought the hoodlum with you too.
Jesse: Nice to see you too.
Becky: Aunt Ida, can I ask you a question? Do you love Jesse?
Ida: Who?
Becky: The hoodlum.
Ida: Well, yes I suppose.
Jesse: Well you sure don't show it.
Ida: Look, I know I don't tell you this that much, Johnnie-
Jesse: Jesse!
Ida: Whatever, but you're a good husband to my niece and a good father to your children. I just think you have a little too much punk in you.
Becky: See, Jess, I told you she doesn't resent you.
Ida: You two are welcome to stay for coffee and cookies.
Jesse: Sure, thanks Ida.
Ida: Just put your bike in the garage. I don't want anyone to know I have a hoodlum in my house.
Jesse: (sarcastically) What a kind woman.
(Becky, Jesse, and Ida begin to walk inside the house when Ida grabs the flyer out of Becky's hand)
Ida: (reads aloud anxiously) A manicure and pedicure festival!

(At the Tanner home, we find Michelle in the kitchen eating ice cream when Stephanie walks in)
Stephanie: Hey, Michelle, I'm just going to get myself some juice. (Gets her cup out of the cabinet)
Michelle: So, how's the bad luck treating you?
Stephanie: Michelle, are you ever going realize that the chain letter was just a big lie?
Michelle: (pulls a $100 bill out of her pocket and waves it in the air) No, not with this baby.
Stephanie: Hey, where'd you get that?
Michelle: Found it on the sidewalk. Maybe if you sent that letter you'd get one of these too.
Stephanie: Ridiculous! (Her cup slips out of her hand and breaks on the floor) Oh, no! My favorite cup!
Michelle: See, the bad luck is kicking in.
Stephanie: No way! That chain letter has nothing to do with it!
Michelle: This bill says otherwise. (Michelle continues eating the ice cream, and spills some on her sweater) Oh no! All over my new sweater!
Stephanie: Ha! Now are you convinced?
Michelle: But you're the one that's supposed to have the bad luck!
Stephanie: (walks to Michelle and takes the bill from her hand) Well, I guess the tables have turned. (Walks away) (Kimmy Gibbler walks in from the back door)
Kimmy: Hola, Tanneritos!
Michelle: Alright, now I'm convinced I don't have good luck.
Kimmy: Hey, I consider myself a blessing to your family.
Michelle: Maybe to a family of apes, but not a human family.
Kimmy: Hey, I don't appreciate your attitude!
Michelle: (puts her finger over her nose) Oh! And I don't appreciate your bad hygiene.
Kimmy: I have good hygiene. I just bathed two weeks ago.

(DJ, Steve and the twins are in the backyard. DJ is teaching Steve how to use the lawnmower)
DJ: (in a babyish voice) Okay, now push down the little clutch thingy, honey.
Steve: (pushes down the clutch) Got it.
DJ: Okay, now pull the little lever thingamajig, baby.
Steve: (lets go of the clutch and pulls the lever) It's not working!
DJ: (in a serious tone) Steve, you're not supposed to let go of the clutch.
Steve: Oh. (Holds down the clutch and pulls the lever) It's still not working.
DJ: Try pulling it a little harder.
Steve: Okay. (Pulls the lever very hard, and it breaks off) Oops! (Hands the broken lever to DJ)
DJ: You know what?
Steve: Snack time?
DJ: No, I think you ought to help Nicky and Alex with the plants and let me handle the lawnmower.
Steve: Hey, no problem. With watering plants, I have one hand free to eat a snack.
When will you ever learn?

(It is now Saturday afternoon. Ida is headed out of the Tanner house after her visit)
Jesse: Oh, can't you stay a little longer, Ida?
Ida: Sorry, it's chess night at the Seniors' Home tonight.
Becky: Well, it was nice having you Ida.
Ida: Nice to see you both. Goodbye, Rebecca. Goodbye, Joshie!
Jesse: Close, Jesse.
Ida: Eh, whatever, goodbye. (Exits)
Becky: See, Jess, Ida wasn't so bad after all.
Jesse: Yeah, we just needed to find something to talk about.
Becky: She actually saw Elvis, can you believe that?
Jesse: And ripped off a piece of his clothing. She's gotta show me that next time.
Becky: Well, I'm glad you're finally getting along with my family.
Jesse: Yeah, me too.
Becky: Good, 'cause I've invited my aunt Fiona to spend the night next week.
Jesse: Okay, now you're going overboard with this family thing.

End tune