Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 002 * Our Very First Night

No Teaser

In Michelle's Room
Jesse: All right
Joey: And the diaper is...ON
Jesse: Beautiful! 17 minutes. We beat our old record by 37 minutes.
Joey and Jesse: Baby wipe.
Joey: Hold it.I'm about to make a quantum leap in diapier theory.
Jesse: Go with it,go with it.
Joey: If we triple the diapier,we get three times the protection,but we change her one third as often.
Jesse: Loving it,loving it.We get two diapiers and Michelle Tanner,come on down.
Joey: The other way to go is to tie a hefty bag around her waist. That way we'd only have to change her on trash day.
Jesse: (talking to Michelle) Jr.Jammy time. Ha!
Joey: (talking to Michelle) It's you!
Jesse: All right. We go. (talking to Joey while doing the diapiers)We put the leg in...like....so...simply...uh...we tie...like this...very nice.
Joey: Wow! Snagging a plan.I suggest something eles.We go with the lovely two peice ensemble from baby Almani.
Jesse: Using your head,using your head.All right. here you go.
Joey: Oh yuppie,baby.
Jesse: Oh,this is great.
Danny walks in
Danny: Ok I got the girls...
Joey and Jesse: TADA!!!
Danny: Gentleman,Tarzan,who was rasied in the jungle by apes,went to bed in better shape then that baby.
Jesse: Big deal.You're about a guy who wore diapiers his entire life.
Danny: I really appreciate the effert,but I'll take it from here.
Jesse: Oh yeah! Now that all the work is done. Good night,Michelle.
Joey: (imatating a baby) Good night,Uncle Jesse.Next time you see me,I'll have a big surprise for you. I don't care how many diapers I have on. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Danny: (Taking Michelle) Give me my kid! (to Michelle) Oh! You really are a good sport.

In Jesse's Room, Stephanie walks in.
Stephanie: Hi,Uncle Jesse
Jesse: How are you doing,kid?
Stephanie: (looking around) What's happened to my room?
Jesse: It's pretty cool,huh?Look at this! (walks to Elvis poster) I hung Elvis up here.
Stephanie: Over my bunnies?
Jesse: Stephanie, you're bunnies are very...pink.
Stephanie: My mom made these bunnies just for me.Don't you like them?
Jesse: These bunnies.I lovee these bunnies.I'm sure Elvis had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.
Danny walks in
Danny: Ok riddle time.What had blond hair,purple P.J.'s,and is way past their bedtime?
Stephanie: Um...Elvis?
Joey walks in
Joey: Steph,the sandman express is coming. All aboard.
Stephanie goes on Joey's back
Stephanie: HO HO
Jesse: (to Danny) You see that? Any of your ape friends do that for Tarzen?

In Stephanie and DJ's room. Joey and Stephanie go throught the door while DJ is already in bed.Joey and Steph to to her bed.
Joey: Next stop...Stephanie's bed.
Stephanie goes in to bed under the covers
Stephanie: Thank you,sandman express.
Joey: And the sandman express runs every night.
DJ: If I get on now,you'll drop me off at the nearest hotel?
Danny and Jesse walk in
Danny: Ok,lets say goodnight.
Jesse: Alright,goodnight JR babes.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse,tell us a bedtime story.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't not know any bedtime stories.
Stephanie: Yes he does.
Jesse: No he doesn't.
Stephanie: Yes he does.
Jesse: (sternly) No he doesn't.
Stephanie: (pretending crying. Rubbing her eyes) Yes he doesssssss.
Jesse: I'll make one up!
Stephanie: Yeeeeahhhhh!!!
Stephanies runs to DJ's bed and lies to the right of her
Jesse: Alright fellows,help me out here.
Joey: We'll make it to a game.Steph,you start the story and you girls point to us when you want so meone else to take over.
Stephanie: Ok.Once upon a time there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. (points to Danny) Daddy.
Danny: And uh..Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way she wandered into this cabin,and she fell alsleep in papa bear's bed.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
Danny: No wait honey,it gets better.She is on the bed,out like a light. When all of a sudden....
Stephanie: Gggg! Joey...
Joey: Um..when Cinderella woke up,she was real thirsty. So she went to a Seven-Eleven and got a Slurpee where...she ran into Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle said (acted like Bullwinkle) "Hello Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer but you can hang your coat on my antlers." (to Danny and Jesse) Kids love this stuff. (Back to the story) So...
DJ: Gggg! Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: So Cinderella and Bullwincle,they get married right. They go on the Newly Wed Game. And they win a grand prize selected expecially for them. The End. Good night.
Stephanie: Gggg! Daddy.
Danny: Untill the big bad wolf came on them.And he said "Open up,or I'll huff,and I'll puff,and I'll blow you're house down. And I can do it to because as we all know wolves have an amazing lung capacity.
Stephanie: Gggg! Joey!
Joey: Hhhhhhuuu!!
DJ: Ggggg! Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: So the wolf,the moose,and the babe,they all fell in love right. They move to Sweeden where the people are alot more cool about sort of things.And that's the end of the story. Good night and good bye.
DJ: No monsters,no witches,but that story was very scary.
Danny: Ok sweetheart. (Kisses Stephanie) It's time to go to bed.
Stephanie: Can I ask one more favor?
Danny: Sure honey. What is it?
Stephanie goes to her bookshelf and takes out a pile of books. Then gives them to Danny then goes to bed under the covers
Stephanie: Study these story books. We'll talk about them in the morning.
Danny: (to Jesse and Joey):Ok. Who wants Puddle Duck and the Quack-Quack Gang?
Jesse and Joey: Read it!

In the living room where Joey and Danny are leaving. Jesse comes down the stairs to the door with his band stuff
Jesse: Oh,Joey,Danny.How are you guys doing. Good night.(half way opens door. Danny stops it)
Danny: Wow,wow. Hold it guys. Red light.Guys,the only way that three adults can leave the house at the same time is if three chrildren are with them. Two adults can leave,one adult can leave,three,two or one child can leave with one to three adults. The three adults can never leave with three or less chrildren.Got it?
Jesse: Look thats all fascinating stuff. But I have have to get to band rehersal.
Joey: Yeah. I have a ten thirty slot at the laugh machine.
Danny: I have to do the sports at ten o clock. I'm sorry Jesse.
Jesse: What do you mean "I'm sorry.Jesse" Why not I'm sorry Joey or I'm sorry Danny?
Danny: Because I have an acuatal job that pays money.
Joey: And I bring the gift of laughter into the world at ten thirty.
Jesse: Yes,well I make music,songs that touch peoples hearts,that penetrate their very souls.Now how can you compare that to telling jokes?
Joey: Are you seriously trying to tell me that music is more important then comedy?
Jesse: You got it,pal.
Joey: Two words. Ozzy Osborne.
Jesse: Two more words. Rip Taylor.
Joey: The Partrige Family.
Jesse: Anyone on Hee-Haw.
Joey: Charo.
Jesse: Bozo
Joey: Hey. Bozo did some brilliant work.
Jesse: O yeah,right,right.The early Bozo was real good. I'm sorry.
Joey: Ok. We'll settle this with the only way truly fair way. Ready go. (they do rock,paper. Joey wins) Once again comedy kicks musics butt.
Danny: I'm sorry man. All three girls are sleeping like angels.I know I could trust you Jesse.If there's even the slightest problem.
Jesse: Yeah,yeah go live your life.Hey. Babe it's fine. I'll just give up my dreams to be a success in the music business.I'll sit home and read Honey Bunny and the Wee Little Glen.
Danny: I couldn't put it down.
Jesse: Get out of here.
Danny and Joey leave. Jesse goes in the kitchen where DJ and Stephanie are taking ice cream out of the freezer. They see Jess
DJ and Stephanie: Hi Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Hi,girls.Girls, you're supposed to be in bed girls. Wow,wow...girls,girls...you're supposed to be in bed girls dreaming about Tweety Bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird or something.
DJ: Uncle Jesse,if we get hungry,dad always makes sure we have a late night snack.(Stephanie and DJ go to table with a snack)
Stephanie: We're going to have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.
DJ: And cookies. (Stephanie nods)
Jesse: Freeze chick. Alright,I know I'm pretty hip here. You guys think I'm a..I'm a idiot or something?Let me tell you something.I know what's going on here. Your dad's gone and it's lets take advantage of the baby sitter time.I've got news for you girls.Your Uncle Jesse is a little to sharp to be taken on that kind of ride.Now you guys can have ice cream and chocolate milk,no cookies.
Stephanie: Yeah!
DJ: Ok

In the girls room. Stephanie is jump roping while DJ is holding one side. Bed side holding the other.Food on the floor under a table next to the bed
Stephanie: (singing tune) Hey my name is Zippy and my hus' name's is Zoro. We come from San Fransico with the coddled up zebras. Hey my name is Alice...
DJ: That's enough from jump rope. Lets do the hand jive. (Doing the hand jive while Stephanie keeps jumping near DJ)
Stephanie: Ok. But I can't stop jumping. I may never sleep agin. Thanks.
D.J: (stops hand-jiving):Two balls of ice cream triggers you alot of pep huh?
Stephanie: Does pep mean you can't blink?
DJ: No pep is PARTY TIME!

In the living room. Jesse and the band are getting ready.
Jesse: I've got three little girls upstaires sound asleep. Sticks. Licorice. All right. here we go. Jumpin Jack Flash in B. Ready. One,two,three,four.I was born in a cross fire hurricanes.(they stop) What's the matter? Someone out of tune? (Stephanie and DJ come down the stairs)
Stephanie: Do you guys do any Bangles stuff?
Jesse: Wow,wow girls.You're supposed to be in bed.What would your dad say about this?
DJ: He wouldn't mind.He'd say we're really lucky we have a chance to listen to the greatsest rock band in the world.
Jesse: Oh well,yeah. If you put it that way,yeah,Ok.
DJ: (talking to woman with purple hair) Great hair.Could you show me how to do that?
Raven: Sure.It's really easy.It just sprays right on.
DJ: (doorbell rings) Oh,thats for me.(opens the door. Pizza Man is there)
Jesse: Wow
DJ: Oh,I bet my dad forgot to tell you about our 11 o clock pizza.(to the pizza man) Hi,how much?
Pizza Man: Eleven fifty.
DJ: Did the cheese slid off or stick to the box? (Stephanie lookes into the box)
Stephanie: No.
DJ: Keep it.
Pizza Man: Hey do you mid if I check out the band?
DJ: Come on in. Open party!
Jesse: All right,girls listen here now.It's almost midnight.You guys listen to two,three songs max,eat your pie,then straight to bed. No nonsense.
Stephanie: Boy are you straight.
Jesse: Ready. Here we go.(Jesse starts to sing with a girl singer. Joey comes in the door and sees them partying and dancing)
Joey: Conga.(everyone does the Conga. Then Danny walks in and looks at everybody expecally Jesse) Boy are you gonna get it.
Danny: Attention solid gold farm team.It's twelve fiftteen and your hair is purple.(Woman is on the couch) Get down.And I don't mean funky.(Looks at Jesse and Joey) Boy,boys,boys.Walk with me,talk with me.(sternly)How could you possibly let this happen?!!
Joey: Hold it. On behalf of Joey.I would just like to say that Joey is innocent.Oh,it's true i was doing a Conga when you walked in but I Conga alot.Hi my name is Joey and I'm a Conga-holic.
DJ: Well,it's way past our bedtime.Come on Steph. Good night everybody.
Danny: Girls get back over here.You're in just as much trouble as they are.
DJ: Dad,I know we were supposed to...
Jesse: DJ hang on a second.It's not the girls fault. It's mine.I invited the band over,I woke the girls up,I ordered pizza,i was throwing a party and I needed chicks.(We hear Michelle crying)
Joey: Baby alert.Beep.Beep.Baby alert!
Danny: You girls get right into bed.You guys follow me and if that babys hair is purple...(they walk into the kitchen)
In the upstairs hall walking to Michelle's room
Danny: You're irresponsible and your unreliable.(make it to Michelle's room) I'll get back to you.
In Michelle's room
Danny: Oh Michelle,oh honey,it's ok.Daddy is here.I see what this is.Michelle is getting a new tooth. Oh that really hurts.
Jesse: I had nothing to do with it.
Danny: Poor baby,imagine,a sharp pointy,calcified projectile,ripping and knifing it's way through you soft,tender,inflamed gum tissues.
Joey: I say we buy her a pony.
Danny: Sometimes a teething ring helps. (gives Michelle a teething ring) Here Michelle. Here you go. Here honey. She loves it.(Michelle throws it. Joey catches it)
Joey: Is this anything like catching the bouquet? Am I the next one to get married?
Jesse: All right fellows. Let the pro in.I'll show you how it's done.(to Michelle. Put finger in her mouth) All right little Munchkin.Where does it hurt? Oh ya. Give me my finger back.Kid.
Danny: Well your brains not working tonight,but your finger is doing great.Joey do me a favor. I put one of Michelle's teething rings in the freezer. I would like a word alone with the alleged babysitter.
Joey: Jesse,I guess it's a bad time to ask for that girl singer's phone number.
Jesse: Get out of here.(Joey leaves)
Danny: Well,well.
Jesse: What,what.
Danny: Shame,shame.
Jesse: I fell like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.
Danny: I suppose I should be happy the house is still standing. I must've been crazy to think that you were adult enough to take care of my kids.You really let me down.(starts to walk away)
Jesse: Wait a minute,where are you going?
Danny: Oh,I thought I'd call the Beastie Boys and ask them if they wanna take the girls to the park tomarrow.
Jesse: You love this,don't you?

In Stephanie and DJ's room where Stephanie and DJ talking in the middle of the room
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse's is the best baby sitter we've ever had.
DJ: Yeah,but I'm thinking he's in big trouble. (hears someone coming down the hall) Get in the bed. (she goes in DJ's bed) No your bed! (Danny opens the door)
Danny: Girls are you awake?
DJ: (pretending to be waking up): Dad,is that you?
Stephanie: (doing the same as DJ) Is it morning?
Danny: DJ,Stephanie,come over here right now. (The girls come over to Danny who sits on DJ's bed. DJ stays there but Stephanie sits on Danny's lap) Girls,we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.
DJ: Oh,no,dad.We didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.
Danny: I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. What is this? (Sees all the empty ice-cream boxesand talks sarcastally) Uh-oh?? Empty bowls and empty cartons. Oh,now I see what happened.Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundays and chocolate milk down your throats.And then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh,the sick fiend.He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime,huh?
DJ: Probably.
Danny: No probably about it. Because otherwise you'd be lying. And you know better then that,don't you?
Stephanie: Probably...
Danny: Well that does it.I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact,this may be a matter for the police.Now sweet dreams my perfect little angels.
DJ and Stephanie: Daddy,we were bad.
DJ: We did everything.We even ordered the pizza.We should go and apologize to Uncle Jesse.
Danny: You're right.You go first.
DJ: Are you gonna punish us?
Stephanie: Before you answer that,we saved you a slice of pizza.

In Michelle's room. He still has his finger in Michelle's mouth
Jesse: Good point,Michelle.The thing I wonder is what is life all about anyway.I mean 24 hours ago I was a relatively cool guy. Today, I'm a six foot teething ring.All right bed time.We're going to my bed.Come with me,come on.Let's go. (takes his finger out. Michelle crys and Jesse puts it back in) Ok hang on.I put it back.There you go. Come with me.(Puts Michelle on his back. DJ comes inalong with Stephanie)
DJ: Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: (sternly)Whatever it is the answer is no.
DJ: We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble.The only reason we took advantage of you is because you had no idea what you were doing.
Stephanie: From now on we will be good and do whatever you say.
DJ: Steph,don't get crazy.(to Jesse)We'll try to do better.
Stephanie: You can cover up my bunnies if you want.
Jesse: That's all right. Your bunnies are starting to grow on me.
Stephanie: We really love you.
Jesse: I love you girls too.(sternly)But next time you pull that stuff on me..(nicely)I'm still gonna love you.(they hug)
Michelle: Daah...(Danny comes in)
Danny: Now you girls go to bed for real,or I'm taking everything out of your room and turning it into a 24 hour mini-mart.
DJ: Good night,everybody.
Stephanie: Good night daddy. Good night Michelle. Good night Uncle Jesse.
Danny: Good night honey.
In Michelle's room where Danny is holding a piece of pizza
Danny: Hi
Jesse: Hi
Danny: Want a piece of pizza?
Jesse: No. me and the little leech are gonna try to get some sleep.(Joey comes in holding a carrot)
Joey: I couldn't find Michelle's teething ring so I got the next best thing. An ice cold carrot.Well I could've bourght the fishsticks but you guys would've thought I was an idiot.
Danny: Look Jesse.I want you to know that was really nice of you to take the rap for DJ and Stephanie. And I'm real sorry,I got so crazy before walking around you saying well...well...well.
Jesse: It's cool...cool...cool.
Danny: The girls just mean so much to me.Exspecially now,you know,snice Pam's gone.
Jesse: I know what your saying,man,I worry about them to. There my neices.Ha..but I don't know nothing about this kid stuff.
Danny: Yeah,I know,but both of you guys,you gotta remember,don't be afraid to say no. Kids need limits.
Jesse: What am I supposed to know? I've been here twelve hours.You're expecting me to be Robert Young.
Joey: Now wait I'm confused. Is it Robert Young from "Father Knows Best",or Robert Young "Dr.Welby?"
Danny: This is gonna take some time.But we can make this work if we want it to work.Jesse,you do want this to work,don't you?
Jesse: Oh,at first I wasn't sure.But,I don't know,when I saw that kid,tell me I could cover her bunnies up,and I was looking at that little baby in my arms,counting on me to stop her from being in pain.I don't know man.I got all warm and tingling...somebody...stop me.
Joey: You know,I'm just happy to be here.I was an only child.All I had was imaginary brothers and sisters.It feels great to be in a real house with real people. Right Leon?
Danny: Give me my kid. (takes Michelle from Jesse.To Michelle) Ok Michelle,time to go to bed.Yeah. Lullaby and good night ,and there's more words I'm not sure of....
Jesse: Conga.(Everyone starts doing the Conga)
Joey: Come on Leon.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Jeff Franklin

Guest Cast:
Pizza Man: David Wakefield
Raven: Jody Aronson

Script edited by: Scriptman
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 17/06/2000