Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 006 * Daddy's Home

No Teaser

DJ and Joey are in the living room, DJ wearing a blue dress, Joey wearing a Hawaiian shirt and multi colored tie, Stephanie is in a ballerina tutu and head phones, dances into the living room from the kitchen
Stephanie: One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
Joey: Stephanie, you've been rehearsing for three days straight. You're this close to ballerina burn out.
DJ + Joey: Stephanie (continues dancing).
Joey: Stephanie (continues dancing).
DJ +Joey: (remove Stephanie's head phones) Stephanie!
Stephanie: I am not Stephanie. I'm a swan who's about to kick the bucket (dances past Joey and collapses).
Joey: Oh God, there's a dead swan in the living room!
Stephanie: (rises) Joey, I'm alive. I was just acting.
Joey: No! Get out of town! Unbelievable!
A car pulls up to the house.
Stephanie: Uh oh, that's daddy! I don't want him to see me in my tutu until show time! YIKES (runs through the kitchen)!
Danny enters the house.
Danny: Sorry I'm late. I was editing my feature on Great Moments In Bowling, and I got held up when I couldn't find a second moment.
DJ: So dad, after Stephanie's recital, we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.
Danny: Of course that doesn't save me any money, because you'll just buy twice as much stuff right?
DJ: I like your attitude.
Jesse comes down the stairs in a tuxedo.
Jesse: It's Saturday afternoon, I'm all dressed up, and where am I going? A munchkin ballet.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, hot outfit! Help Joey.
Jesse takes a look at Joey's clothes.
Jesse: (laughs) Very sharp Joseph! Where are you going after the ballet, Don Hoe's wedding?
The doorbell rings, Danny answers, a blonde girl in a brown dress enters
Adrianna: (Italian accent) Chao.
Danny: Jesse, it's for you.
Joey: How do you know she's not here to see me?
Adrianna: Jesse!
Jesse: Adrianna, have mercy! (they kiss) How are you?
Danny: (to Joey) If she's here to see you, she's very nice to your friends.
Jesse: Let me introduce you to my roommates. This is Danny Tanner, and this is King Camaya-maya. You'll never guess how I met this one.
Danny: A PTA meeting?
Jesse: Close, skydiving.
Adrianna: He missed the target, and dropped right into my Alpha Romeo.
Jesse: (Italian accent) 'Dropped right into my Alpha...' I love that. Anyway, she asked me to come back to her place, and it turned out her place was in Rome. Who would have known? Come on, I'll make you some Spaghetti-Os (they enter the kitchen).
Michelle squeaks, Danny picks her up
Danny: Michelle! Hi Michelle. Hi! Say dada, say dada, say da, say... say wasahalabdabadah. She's so close I can feel it. Say dada, come on.
Joey: (munchkin voice) Dada, okay! Now get off my back!
The phone rings, Danny answers, DJ and Stephanie reenter the room, Stephanie is in a pink overcoat.
Danny: Hello ... Really! The station wants me to cover the Game Of the Week! That's Great! ... (notices DJ and Stephanie) No, that's not great. Look, my little girl is having her first ballet recital. Any chance Stanford and UCLA could delay the kick off you know, like, 3 or 4 hours? ... Hey, I took a shot. Alright yeah, I'll be there.
Stephanie: You're going to miss my recital?
Danny: I'm really sorry honey. I feel terrible
DJ: It's okay, me and Stephanie understand that you have to work. But it's great having a dad on TV, right Stephanie?
Stephanie: Yeah that part's fun.
Danny: I guess this means we're going to miss the big sale too.
DJ: That's okay, we can go some other time, and pay full price.

Down in the basement Jesse and Adrianna are kissing, Joey enters
Jesse: Can I help you? (continues kissing)
Joey: I need to talk to you
Jesse: Go ahead, talk (continues kissing).
Joey: So here's what I'm thinking. I think I need to make some changes in my life.
Jesse: Bran, eat more bran (continues kissing).
Joey: What I mean by change is; more danger, more excitement, more... Adrianna!
Jesse: I'll be right back.
Adrianna: I'll be right here.
Jesse: (motions to Joey) Come here! Come here! Come here! What do you want?
Joey: I want your life! Were you always like this?
Jesse: No, I wasn't always like this. I was like you, then I turned four. I remember man, my dad bought me my first bike. I sailed out of the driveway, I ripped off the training wheels, packed a bag, and took off to adventure! If my dad hadn't snagged me, I'd have made it all the way to the Dairy Queen.
Joey: See, I love that story. That's what I want, a life with out training wheels!
Jesse: You something kid, I like you, and I think I can give you that life. But you've got to understand, when you're talking about a life like mine, you're talking about living on the edge man, you're talking about taking risks, you're talking about... buying a new wardrobe. Are you, Joseph Gladstone ready to make that kind of commitment (grips Joey)?
Joey: (grips Jesse) I am ready to be committed.

Later in the living room Jesse and Adrianna are on the couch eating whip cream covered strawberries
Jesse: So that's how you do it in Rome?
Adrianna: Right. Uh huh, and now I get one.
Danny enters
Danny: Jesse! Jesse (Adrianna drops the spoon full of whip cream)!
Jesse: What could you possibly want?
Danny: How was Stephanie's ballet recital?
Jesse: She came out, she danced, she died.
Danny: Oh God, I wish I could have been there! Alright, I rushed home, there's still time to take the girls shopping.
Jesse: Don't worry about it. I took care of it. I had to take Joey shopping, so I took the girls to the sale and saved you a few bucks.
Danny: (shocked) Oh, that was nice of you.
Jesse: Hey girls! Come on downstairs and model your new clothes for your dad! Let's go!
Adrianna: Jesse, why don't I just wait for you back at the hotel and I'll try on this cute little outfit you bought me? (waves a very small bag in front of Jesse) Bye (leaves).
Jesse: Have Mercy. (DJ is on the steps, motions to Jesse) Oh, you're going to love this (starts playing the organ). And now, the lovely Donna Joe (in a brown jacket, red sweater, red hat, and brown pants). Donna Joe is sporting that lovely fall look. She's got a tomato red hat for that tomato head look. (spins around, removes the jacket) And hey, look at those shoulders, too much baby. Thank you Donna Joe. And now Stephanie (in a multi colored dress, comes downstairs). The young Stephanie, just back from a show in Milan steps out in style in her multi colored print (spins once). And now, for the latest in the always exciting world of toddler fashion, the lovely, scintillating Michelle. (Michelle runs across the floor) Michelle is sporting a look that says 'hey babe, it's the late 80s, and I'm loving every minute of it.' (DJ picks her up) Come here you little weasel (Jesse takes Michelle).
Danny: Looks like I missed out on a really special day. My little girls, they're growing up so fast.
Jesse: (spits three times, and bangs on the organ keys) And now, taking a huge fashion risk, the ultimate macho macho man Big Joe Stud! (Joey enters wearing leather pants, leather jacket and red shirt).
Danny: Joey!
Joey: Shut up punk.
Danny: Joey, you know you actually make Michael Jackson look tough.
Jesse: Michelle, you're going to be such a fox when you get older.
Michelle: Dada.
Danny: Jesse, my little girl just called you dada.
Jesse: Oh no, she didn't call me dada. She... she called me doe doe. (turns Michelle to Danny) Here's your dad. Lay a 'dad' on him, come on.
Danny: Hi. Remember me. Remember I'm your biological dada.
Jesse: Now the guy's really asking for a 'dada'. Can't you give him a 'dada'? Come on, I'm your Uncle Jesse.
Michelle: Dada.
Jesse: I'm not your dad.
Joey: Here, give me the babe. (Joey takes Michelle)
Michelle: Dada.
Danny: (takes Michelle) Here. Hi, it's me, dada. Dada, dada, dada, dada. (Michelle does nothing). My sweet little baby, my own flesh and blood, thinks that you two are her father! Oh my God! My little baby doesn't have the foggiest idea who I am!
Joey: How many of really know who we are?
Danny: This is all my fault! I'm working too many hours, I've got to spend more time with my children! DJ and Stephanie come downstairs, Stephanie in a blue shirt, DJ in a pink dress.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse bought us these to go clubbing.
DJ: Can we keep them dad?
Danny: Dad! (hands Michelle to Joey) She called me dad! (hugs DJ)Girls, I'm taking all three of you out for father daughter day!
Stephanie: Alright daddy!
Danny: She called me 'daddy' too! (hugs Stephanie) Later that night, Jesse and Joey drive into the garage on Jesse's motorcycle.
Jesse: How'd you like that ride?
Joey: Jesse, it was a revelation! I saw God! In fact, I think you we lapped him.
Jesse: Alright man, you've got the look, you've got the feel, now all you've got to do is get on a bike and ride to adventure.
Joey: Yeah baby, I'm hell bound! (jumps on Jesse's motorcycle)
Jesse: Whoa! Whoa! You ain't hell bound on my bike! Nobody rides my bike but me. If you need a bike, (takes him to one of the girls bicycles) take your pick. Oh, and if you miss that vimmmmm sound, put some cards in the spokes.
Joey: Do you know what you are? You're a bike tease. (Jesse gets on his motorcycle) You get a guy all fired up, and then you say 'uh uh! No'! Well, I want danger, I want adventure, I want to ride your pig!
Jesse: (walks to Joey) That's hog. Alright Joey, once around the block. Go ahead (Joey gets on the motorcycle). Now listen, you be very very careful. Do you hear me? (Joey starts the motorcycle). I can't watch this (leaves). The next day, Danny is in Stephanie and DJ's room at the base of Stephanie's bed with a video camera.
Stephanie: (sleepy) Daddy, why are you making feet movies?
Danny: Because I love you, and I love your little feet.
DJ: (sleepy) What's going on?
Stephanie: Daddy loves me, and he loves my little feet.
Danny: I want to preserve every minute of your lives.
DJ: I'm going to go and brush my teeth. Do you want to reload?
Danny: Wait a minute DJ. Girls, I have a surprise for you. I am not going to work today. Today is father daughter day part two. DJ +
Stephanie: YAY!
DJ: Wait a minute dad. How can you do this, Sunday's your busiest day?
Danny: I worked it out. I'm working New Year's Eave, but I worked it out. This is your day, we can do what ever you want to do. What do you want to do?
DJ: Can we take a cruise around the bay?
Danny: It's your day.
Stephanie: Then can we go horseback riding.
Danny: It's your day.
DJ: Then can we buy a big screen TV, a CD player, and a couple of mopeds?
Danny: Why don't I just get you your own MasterCard?
DJ: Oooooh it is my day. Switch to downstairs, the phone rings, Jesse answers.
Jesse: Hello! Joey! You've been gone since yesterday! Get your butt back here right now ... 'Chill out babe'? ... Listen you little leather-clad weasel! I created you, I can destroy you! Hello! (puts down the phone) I never taught him 'chill out'! Later that night, Joey enters the garage on Jesse's motorcycle
Joey: Safe!
Jesse: (behind a card board Santa Claus on a candy cane) Ho ho ho! (steps out in front) It's your last Christmas! Tell Santa what kind of tombstone you want!
Joey: Jesse!
Jesse: I said 'once around the block'! 'Once around the block'! Where were you?
Joey: Jesse, I can explain everything...
Jesse: Once! Do you know what 'once' means? Do you know what 'once' means? Danny enters with the girls.
Joey: Hi girls.
Jesse: Oh yeah, like that old trick is supposed to work!
DJ: Hi Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: Hi Joey.
Jesse: (surprised) Hi girls! I was just... welcoming home Joseph.
Danny: Girls, let's give the boys a moment to get reacquainted. DJ +
Stephanie: (walk passed Jesse and Joey) Ooooooooh!
Danny: (with Michelle, walks passed Jesse and Joey) Ooooooooooh!
Jesse: Alright, speak geek. And you'd better have one hell of a story.
Joey: Jesse, as soon as I left the driveway, your spirit entered my body. I knew that it was your spirit because my hair expanded.
Jesse: Alright, alright, quit sucking up and tell the story.
Joey: Then she appeared. 5' 11", dressed from head to toe in red leather
Jesse: And what did my spirit tell you to do?
Joey: I threw the babe on the back of the bike, popped a wheelie, and said 'have mercy'!
Jesse: Now, that's my spirit. That's my spirit.
Joey: Then we cruised into Vegas, checked into Caesar's, hit the craps tables. An hour and a half later, I'm up $14,000.
Jesse: $14,000! That's a lot of money, and you've got a pretty girl. Did you... you know?
Joey: Yep, got married. Then it got interesting.
Jesse: Oh.
Joey: We hopped on a jet for the Big Apple
Jesse: Uh huh.
Joey: Helicoptered into Manhattan.
Jesse: Alright.
Joey: Where we quickly produced a revival of the Broadway smash 'Porgies and Bass'. You don't believe a word of this do you?
Jesse: Not a syllable.
Joey: Well, let's give the truth a whirl.
Jesse: Okay.
Joey: I met a girl who lives just down the street. She wasn't dressed in red leather, she had a nice wallet. So we went to her place, where I did win $14,000 (Jesse steps forward) in Monopoly money (Jesse backs away). Then I fell asleep on her couch. You believe that don't you?
Jesse: (walks to the motorcycle) I have to, you only put a mile and a half on the bike.
Joey: Jesse, I'm sorry I was gone so long. I hope I didn't let you down.
Jesse: No, you didn't let me down. Maybe you didn't have a wild and crazy adventure, but you had a cute little adventure-ette.
Joey: You know what I found out. No matter what I am wearing, or what I am riding on, I'm still going to be Joey. And you know what, that's okay.
Jesse: Damn right it's okay. Alright, Big Joe Stud.
Joey: Yeah, I guess I am pretty studly. Okay, out of my way dude. I'm going up stairs to take a bubble bath. That night Danny, DJ, and Stephanie are in DJ and Stephanie's room, DJ and Stephanie are in bed.
Danny: Great day, huh DJ?
DJ: Yeah, major fun. It was one of the best days of my life.
Danny: You don't sound all that happy.
DJ: I'm happy, honest (smiles). See, these are happy teeth!
Danny: I've known that face since it was the size of a tennis ball. That is not a DJ happy face.
DJ: Dad, for the last time I'm happy. Happy, happy, happy okay (gets out of bed, opens the closet).
Danny: Okay. (walks to Stephanie's bed) Stephanie honey, I'll bet you want to get yourself a glass of water.
Stephanie: I'm not dumb. You want me to leave, something's wrong.
Danny: Sweetie, I promise if something's wrong, we'll make it all better.
Stephanie: Alright (gets out of bed), but if you need me, I'll be in the bathroom drinking water and waiting (leaves).
Danny: (walks to DJ) DJ, what's going on here? You don't have to put on a happy act for me.
DJ: It wasn't for you, it was for Stephanie.
Danny: Well, Stephanie's not here honey. What's going on?
DJ: It's just hard being brave for my little sister all the time. Like when you couldn't take me shopping, I felt terrible. But I couldn't show it, because if I did, Stephanie would cry about you missing her recital.
Danny: DJ, you are a terrific big sister, (sits on DJ's bed, sets DJ on his lap) but no one has to put on an act in this house. Now, what's bothering you?
DJ: I don't know, today was so much fun. You took us horseback riding to the circus, to Marine World. But I kept getting sadder and sadder.
Danny: What part depressed you the most, the circus clowns or shammu? (DJ gets in bed) Honey, maybe you were sad for the same reason I was.
DJ: You were sad too.
Danny: A little bit, because the more fun we had, the more I hated to see it end.
DJ: I wish we could have days like this all the time, I really love being with you.
Danny: I love being with you to, but there's no easy answer here.
DJ: I know you have to work.
Danny: I wish I could be in two places at once, but I can't.
DJ: You know, I feel better.
Danny: You do?
DJ: Yeah, we didn't solve anything, but just talking about it helps.
Danny: It helps me too, and DJ I promise, I am going to find more time to spend with you girls.
DJ: And any time you want to see me, you can always pull me out of school. Especially if you want to see me during math class.
Danny: Now that's a DJ happy face. Come here you little tennis ball head (they hug).

Danny goes to Michelle's room.
Danny: Hi honey, you may not remember today, but it was one of the best days of my life. (kisses Michelle) I love you Michelle. Good night sweetheart. (closes the door)
Michelle: Dada.
Danny: (reenters) Yeah!

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Howard Storm
Written by: Joan Brooker & Nancy Eddo

Guest Cast:
Abiana Udenio: Adrianna

Script edited by: Michael P. Hill
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 06/10/2002