Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 007 * Knock Yourself Out

No Teaser

Danny: (picking Michelle up out of her crib and putting her down again as he speaks) Wish Daddy luck honey, it's a big night. Daddy's gettinga tryout as a sportscaster. On cable TV. Nationwide. I see how impresed you are.
Michelle: da da
Danny: Michelle, I'd love to give you a hug, but 20 million people will be watching me, and I'd just as soon them not see your cookies on my shoulder.
Michelle: Uh (to be interprted as up, I think)
Danny: Do you promise that everything inside of you is going to stay inside of you? (A little hack/gurgle as he reaches down) That's a preview, isn't it? Okay, baby dribble guard. (Puts towel over his shoulder, then picks her up and gives her a hug.) Come here...

(Jesse is in living room playing the guitar as Danny comes down)
Jesse: Oh cool, yes, all right, all right. May I help you?
Danny: Well Jesse, what do you think?
Jesse: (indicating towel) You plan on burpin' one of the boxers?
Danny: (as he takes off the towl) A good sportscaster is ready for anything.
Jesse: That's very nice. All right, listen, I picked the perfect tune for the lyrics here this is really cool. (Plays and sings) She left me for another, walked right out the door. I thought that she loved me. What good is my heart for?"
Danny: (getting into the tune) On top of Old Smokey, all covered with snow...
Jesse: (stopping, putting guitar down and standing) You realize there are only 7 notes. But, Beethoven was right when he said it don't come easy.
Danny: Beethoven said 'It don't come easy'?
Jesse: Well, he said it in German.

Joey: (coming inw ith boxing gloves on) All right, Danny, I'm ready. I want you...poom! I want you...poom, poom. Second round, you're goin' down! (Gets looks, stops pretending he's a boxer) All right, I'll behve.
Jesse: You are such a baby. (Pulls a strand of his hair or something, hard to see)
Joey: Long haired hippy punk. (Walks up to Danny) I am so proud of you. Ever since you were sports editor of our high school newspaper, you've had that dream.
Danny: The one about Sharon Campbell?
Joey: Nah, not that dream. Every guy in high school had that dream. Nah, I mean your dream of making it as a sportscaster. Tonight you go from local to coast to coast. Knock 'em dead.
Danny: Thanks. And about your dream about bein' a comic? I promise one day, I won't be the only one who thinks you're funny.

(DJ and Stephanie run down the steps with gifts wrapped)
DJ: Wait Dad, don't go yet.
Stephanie: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.
DJ: We got you some stuff for good luck. Guess what this is.
Stephanie: A tie!
DJ: Steph, you know!
Stephanie: Daddy, now you guess.
Danny: Oh, I give up.
Stephanie: It's a tie, remember?
Danny: (opens it) Oh, a tie! I'm so surprised. This is beautiful. I'm gonna wear it tonight.
Stephanie: I got you a surprise too, Daddy. (Hands it to him)
Danny: Oh, I love surprises. (Opens it, looks oddly at it): Oh, this is great. Thank you for the, um, this is great.
Joey: It's the...most beautiful one of those I've ever seen.
Stephanie: try it on, Daddy.
Danny: (trying to figure out how) Of course I'm gonna try it on. (Experiments in several places on his suit and even in his ear)
DJ: Isn't it a wonderful tie tack, Dad?
Danny: (putting a hand on D.J.'s shoulder) God bless you. (To both) Steph, I love this. Thank you, girls. (He hugs them)
Girls: You're welcome.
Jesse: (back into the romo with guitar) All right, I finally got it, this baby is a hit now. Listen to this. (Plays) She left me for another, walked right out the door. I thought that she loved me. What good is my heart for?
Others: (getting into tune, too) This land is your land, this land is my land, from California, to the New York islands...
Jesse: Everybody sing along...
Others: From the redwood forests, to the gulf stream waters...

(fade into next scene)
Jesse: All right let's go girls, let's get some snacks. (Looks upstairs)
DJ: Dad's almsot on; we're gonna watch him in our room.
Jesse: All right. (Grabs something from fridge, starts upstairs)
Stephanie: Dont' forget the ice cream.
Jesse: Okay. (Grabs it, heads upstairs again)
Stephanie: And a bowl and a spoon.
Jesse grabs it, heads upstairs again
Stephanie: And licorice.
Jesse grabs it, heads upstairs again
Stephanie: Red licorice.
Jesse grabs it, heads upstairs again
Stephanie: Okay, got some fruit.
Jesse grabs it, heads upstairs again
Stephanie: And milk.
Jesse: Okay, got it. (Grabs it, heads upstairs again)
Stephanie: Don't forget to shut the door.
Jesse shuts the door, heads upstairs again
Jesse: OK, got the licorice, the milk, shut the door...
Stephanie: And we need peanut butter and jelly and bread and carrots.
Jesse collapses against wall and sighs)
Jesse: (coming upstairs with hands extra full, cups on his head) All right, girls, this oughta get us throught he first 2 rounds...
DJ: We changed our minds, we're gonna watch the fight downstairs.
Jesse: Freeze, ankle biters; this is as far as your Uncle Lunch Wagon goes.
DJ: Oooh, it's Uncle Bad Attitude.
Stephanie: I guess this is a bad time to mention that you forgot the carrots.
Jesse: Yes, it's a bad time. Help me out here. Come on. (They unload his arms) You grab the ice cream...
Joey: Jess, quick, I need you in the nursery.
Jesse: okay.
Joey: here, lemme give you a hand with this. (Reaches for a cup, instead of taking them off his head takes only 1 and walks back into nursery, leaves Jesse standing with cups on head.)
Jesse: What is happening to my life?
Joey: Michelle, please don't be sick.
Jesse: All right, Joseph, what's the problem here>
Joey: I heard Michelle cough.
Jesse: Hey, kid, you okay? (Picks her up, lokos at her) It's cool
Stephanie: It's time. Daddy's gonna be on right after the underarm commercial.
Joey: jess, I don't like the sound of that cough, we shoudl bring Michelle with us.
Jesse: Joey, you gotta realize babies cough, babies dribble, babies barf. Think of 'em as little tiny teenagers. (Picks her up): Come on, Michelle, come on. You okay? (Kisses her) Atta girl.

(DJ and Stephanie are in the living room with snacks now, Jesse and Joey go downstairs with Michelle, baby coughs are heard)
Jesse: You girls ever hear that cough before?
Stephanie: Sounds like a hairball.
Jesse: Come on, Steph, babies don't get...(thinks a minute, turns to Joey); Do babies get hairballs?
Announcer: And now, live from San Francisco, a special boxing presentation, here is Danny tanner.
Others cheer.
Danny: (in training room, trying to dodge a bunch of people moving and punching) Hi, I'm Danny...Hi, I'm Danny Tanner...Okay, here I am, now, I'm really danny tanner, and welcome to tonight's fight. We're inthe training romo of the former heavyweight champion of the world Reggie 'The Sandman' Martin, only moments away from the Sandman's first attempt ont he comeback trail to reclaim his heavyweight crown. And here he is now. Well, champ, how do you feel?
Sandman: I feel good, I feel strong, I feel like hittin' somebody!
Danny: But not me, right?
Sandman: that depends ont he question.
Danny: Okay, no pressure here. Well, champ, the obvious question; why the comeback? You have plenty of money inthe bank; heck, you own a bank. You've been retired for two years, what is it? Do you miss wearing the shorts?
Sandman: No, no.
Trainer: It's about respect. Pride and respect. The Sandman wants to go down as the greatest champion inthe history of boxing.
Danny: Are you sure it's not the $6 million?
Sandman: Okay, I miss wearin' the shorts.
Danny is tugging at his shorts, revealing her very colorful tie tack
Stephanie: My tie tack.
Others at home: Yaaay!
Sandman: I know why I'm wearing a cup. But why are you wearing a saucer?
Danny: Oh, this. This is a gift from my daughter Stephanie, and the tie is a gift from my daughter DJ.. And, I have a little baby daughter Michelle, but you can't wear her gifts.
Others: Yaaay.
Danny: You probably haven't seen much of your family during your 3 months of training.
Sandman: No. He runs a pretty tough camp.
Trainer: the toughest. (Grabs mike) Total isolation. Just me, the Sandman,a nd the ring. No women, no phone calls, no nothing.
Sandman: Look, I'm sorry about this, Marcie. How ya feelin', honey? (He blows her a kiss inthe mike.)
Danny: I think it's wonderful that you and your wife are still good friends considering...
Sandman: considering? Considering what?
Danny: You know...
Trainer: yeah, right, champ, just loosen up, baby.
Sandman: Hey, hey, the man said considering. Considering what?
Danny: Uh, considering what happened.
Trainer: Loosen up, champ.
Sandman: I'm gonna loosen somebody's head if I don't get some answers. Now lsiten, you said it's great my wife and I are still friends. Why wouldn't we still be friends?
Danny: So about tonight's fight, let's talk strategy. (Sandman grabs him and lifts him up) Let's forget about strategy. Uh, all I meant was when a woman moves out on a man they stop being friends.
Sandman: (putting him down gently) She moved out?
Trainer: Hey, c'mon, champ, let's fight.
Sandman: You expect me to fight when my wife just moved out on me?
Trainer: that's it, champ, use the anger.
Danny: Oh, champ, I'm sorry. Oh, boy am I sorry. I can't believe you didn't know about this.
Sandman: You callin' me a liar?
Danny: Oh, not at all. Why would I choose those as my last words. I jsut figured since the story was inthe newspapers, and the magazines, and the soon to be released TV move...
Sandman: She left me? And sold the rights for...oh, no, no, Marcie baby, noooo. (He starts crying on Danny's shoulder) Oh, no, baby, no.
Danny: It'll be okay, champ, it'll be okay.
Trainer: You're kinda takin' the edge off him, eh, Tanner?
Danny: You knwo, this is kind of a beautiful moment. Thanks for sharing it with us. And Sandman, good luck on tonight's fight.
Sandman: Fight? I can't fight.
Trainer: Sure you can. (Leading him away)
Sandman: C'mon, I can't fight now.
Trainer: Sure you can, you'll knock him out.
Stephanie: Why was that man crying?
Jesse: Well, that man was crying because...your dad made him so happy.
Stephanie: I don't think so.
Danny: Well, we'll be back after this word from anbody but me.
Stephanie: Now what happens?
Jesse: Well, two guys beat each other up for about 36 minutes, and after that, each of 'em gets 6 million dollars.
Stephanie: $6 million. Forget about being a ballerina.
Joey: Uh, girls, maybe you shouldn't be watching all this violence.
DJ: Joey's right, Steph. Let's go watch reruns of the A-team. (They leave.)

Jesse: there it is, she coughed again. This cough's gettin' serious. I'll think of something. (Looks at Joey, who has the phone): What are you doin'?
Joey: Calling the baby's doctor.
Jesse: good. I knew I'd think of something.
Joey: Hello, Dr. Landress? You're home? You answer your own phone? Are you any good? (Pauses) Yeah, I'm calling about Michelle Tanner. She's coughing. Hold on, Doc. (To Jesse): He wants to know what kind of cough.
Jesse: what kind of...(takes the phone) It's a little baby's cough! It's like this - (does a tiny cough)
Joey: (takes phone) Doc, I do impressions for a living, it was more like this. (Does a different kind of baby cough, but more hacking)
Jesse: Give me the phone! (Into phone): I'm sorry, we're new parents. All right, come here, listen to Michelle cough. All right, cough, Michelle. (Holds the phone up to her, she is quiet): Come on, cough. Come on. (To Joey): It's just like when you take your car to a mechanic, it never makes the same noise. (Takes phone back): All right...her nose? It's running like a fountain...What's comin out of it? Diet cola!...Fever, I don't know....Of course I know how to take her temperatore, you simply stick the thermometer under her tongue...I put it where?!?! (Hands the phone to Joey): Joey, it's for you.

(Next scene, looking at thermometer with clown on the end)
Jesse: Down, a little tot he right...normal. No temperature. Hi five, Michelle. Hi five. (She does it) Okay.
Joey: Well, doctor said no fever means it's a cold and we should give her the same medicine he prescribed for the last cold. (Looks at bathroom cabinet): Okay, we've got strawberry mousse, apricot conditioner, honey nut rinse; can you believe these girls put all this dumb junk int heir hair?
Jesse: It's mine. What are you lookin' at.
Joey: All right, here it is, Michelle Tanner, four times a day.
DJ: (As she ans Steph walk in) the fight's over, Dad'll be back on after these important messages.
Stephanie: What are you doing to Michelle?
Jesse: We're giving your sister some medicine.
Stephanie: that's not the way Daddyd oes it.
Jesse: Stephanie...All right, here you go Michelle. (She hits the spoot, medicine goes flying onto Joey's face) Joey, duck.

(Next scene is a hand with a teaspoon trying to come up under the high chair top with Michelle in it, she keeps backigna way)
Joey: Well, so much for cough syrup with pureed chicken.
Jesse: I told you it would never work, you never serve red cough syrup with poultry.
DJ: By the way, if I'm ever sick, dial 9-1-1.
Stephanie: Daddy's on!
(They bring Michelle and the high chair into the living room)
Danny: Well, fans, you saw if; 1:17 into the second round, Reggie the Sandman Martin was k.o.'ed. He may have been a little off tonight; that happens. But, I don't thinkt he blame should be laid at anybody's feet. I mean anybody. Am I being clear? A blameless defeat.
Reporter: Hey, how does it feel to have personally dealt a crushing blow to a man's career?
Danny: Are you talking about my own career or his?
Another reporter: Do you have some kind of a personal grudge against the Sandman?
Danny: Not at all; the Sandman and I have always had a very warm and cordial relationship.
Sandman: I want him! I want him! I want Danny tanner! I want him!
Danny: Can't you just feel the love?

(In the locker room afterward, everyone oohs and ahhhs there and at the Tanner home)
Danny: Walk with me, as I personally apologize to the Sandman. Sandman, I am really very, very sorry.
Sandman: it's okay. It's not your fault. At least someone had the guts to tell me about my wife. Youw coudln't happen to know why she left me, would you?
Danny: Well, maybe not seeing your wife for 3 or 4 months resulted in a teensy loss of intimacy.
Trainer: It's okay, Champ, we don't need her.
Sandman: (To trainer) What's this 'we' stuff; it's this 'we' stuff that got me in trouble. You talked me out of retirement because you needed the money; you knew about my wife all the time, didn't you?
Trainer: Well, I kinda got an inkling when I read the cover story in Sports Illustrated.
Sandman: Marcie, I'm gonna give up boxing, I'm gonna find ya and I'm gonna beg for forgiveness because I love you, baby. (Blows several kisses to her) Lou, you're fired. (He wlkas off)
Trainer: Tanner, this whole thing is your fault. (Punches him, but hurts his own hand ont he tie tack)
Danny: (opening his suit coat) Thanks, Stephanie.
Stephanie: your'e welcome, Daddy. Didn't Daddy do great? (Everyone agrees)
Jesse: he was quite good this evening.
Joey: Yeah, girls, nobody can take a punch like your father.
Stephanie: can we stay up till Daddy gets home?
Jesse: Oh, no girls, you go to bed, get some sleep. Tomorrow we may have to move to a civilization without television.
DJ and Stephanie: Goodnight. (They leave)
Jesse: Good nght. (To Joey): All right, Joey, I give up, you give her her medicine.
Joey: Okay, Michelle, here it comes. Mmmm, vrmmm. (She closes her mouth, avoids the cough syrup.) Oh, come on, it tastes really good. Watch this. (Makes same small airplane noises, but pushes the spoon of syrup into a suprised Jesse's mouth.) Smile, the baby's watching you. (He smiles, against his will.)
Jesse: Mmm.
Joey: And she's waiting for her Uncle Jesse to swallow.
Jesse: (swallows) Mmm...this stuff is terrible.
Joey: but you're not coughing, are you?
Jesse: All right, that's it. Enough fooling around, Michelle. This is the last teaspoon of medicine. Now, you're gonna take it, and you're gonna feel better, and you're gonna do it right now. Come on. (She starts to take it) Right now, come on. (She takes and swallows it.) See, Joey. All I had to do was ask nice.

(Danny comes home dejected, flops on sofa)
Joey: danny...
Danny: Please, don't bother lying to me. I stunk.
Joey: I just want you to know that Michelle's going to be fine.
Danny: (getting up quickly) What?
Joey: Well, the baby was sick, but she's fine now.
Danny: The baby was sick. Well, why didn't you say something?

(Jesse is singing to her, hard to tell what he's singing, she's trying to repeat)
Danny: Michelle, Daddy's here. (Picks her up and cuccles her): Jesse, what's wrong?
Jesse: Ah, just a little cold.
Danny: How do you know it's a little cold?
Jesse: She had a cough and a runny nose, but no fever.
Danny: She should have fluids.
Jesse and Joey: Done.
Danny: We should call the doctor.
Jesse and Joey: Done!
Danny: really. Has she had her cough medicine?
Jesse and Joey: Done!
Danny: about changing her diaper?
Jesse and Joey: Good night.

(In the kitchen)
Danny: Well, the baby's asleep. Her cold sounds much better. You guys were really great tonight.
Jesse: Yep. We're startin' to learn how to take care of the kid.
Joey: I'll drink tot hat.
Danny: I can't thank you guys enough.
Jesse: We really love that little (they sneeze) germ-spreading phlegm faucet.
Danny: you knwo, ehn I came home tonight, I was so down. But, then I heard Michelle was sick, and it put everything back into perspective. I realized what's really important is my family, and my friends.
Joey: So you forgot all about that nightmare of an interview.
Danny: Right up untilt his very moment,w hen you were kind enough to bring it up again. I was horrible.
Jesse: come on, horrible's sucha harsh word, you were...well, yeah, you were horrible.
Danny: isn't this suposed to be where you guys jump in with a nice little pep talk?
Joey: Oh, I dn't know if I've got one in me, Danny.
Jesse: What do you think I am, a saint?
Danny: Come on, I'll get you started. How about, 'Every cloud has a cilver lining,' or, 'The sun'll come out tomorrow.'
Joey: (Not sure what impresion he's doing, sounds liek a coach or trainer, though) I can feel it. The pep is coming up, it's in my stomche, it's working its way north, it's in my throat and...pep. (He gets up, goes over to Danny) Danny, nobody's career goes straight up. You had one rough night. There's always bumps along the way.
Danny: this is good, don't stop.
Joey: And don't interrupt. The key, danny, is to learn from all those little bumps, so you'll be better prepared for next time. (Regulr voice): Because you will have other chances.
Danny: When? I need a date and a t time.
Joey: Soon. Because you're good at what you do. You know why? Because you care about more than jsut scores and stats. You care about people. Right, Jess?
Jesse: Yeah, why not.
Joey: And, in your own, unique way, you helped the Sandman. People trust you. Because they know you're a great guy. Right, Jesse?
Jesse: Yeah, why not?
Danny: thanks, guys.
Jesse: My favorite part was whent he manager punched him. (Makes sound like someone getting punched)
Joey: I love it when he brought tears to the Sandman's eyes.
Jesse: Yeah, and the reporters outside throwin' stuff
Danny: yeah, and I loved when I said there was noone to blame. I loved how bad that was.
(Scene ends with them laughing, though we can't see it, as the things that went on that night)

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Jeff Franklin

Guest Cast:
Reggie 'The Sandman' Martin: Ernie Hudson
Lou: Eddie Barth
Reporter: Brian Hale

Script edited by: Doug Fowler
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 08/05/2004