Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 012 * The Big Three-O

No Teaser

Joey, Stephanie and DJ sits in the kitchen
Joey: Alright girls now, not one word about your dad's surprise party tonight, okay?!
DJ: That means you, Steph.
Stephanie: What makes you think I'm gonna tell him.
DJ: Because you blew dad's surprise party last year.
Stephanie: I was only four. Give me a break!
Joey: Steph, this is an important birthday. Your dad turns the big three- 0
Stephanie: How much more than five is the big three- 0?
Joey: Well, here I'll show you.
Joey takes the box with cereal
Joey: This is you
He fills Steph's plate with a few cereals
Joey: And this is your daddy.
Joey takes the box and fills his plate with a lot of cereals
Stephanie: Wow, he's almost the whole box.
Jesse enters the kitchen with Michelle. She is having three balloons stuck to her sweater
Jesse: Make way, it's a good year birthday glimpse. I had to take a couple balloons of or else she would have been picked up by radar. All right, your daddy is on the way down. Stephanie, I heard about last year. Do not spoil the surprise party.
Stephanie: Man, one little mistake.
Danny comes down to the kitchen
Danny: Good morning everyone!
Everybody except Danny: Happy birthday!
Danny: Okay, it's been said. Now we can just move on and forget the fact that I'm... I'm...
Jesse and Joey: Thirty!
Danny: Thank you! Okay, anyway I don't turn ... turn...
Jesse and Joey: Thirty!
Danny: Thank you! I don't turn, what you just said, until 8.15.
DJ: Dad, it's 8.20.
Danny: O, my God!
DJ: This is a present from Michelle, Steph and me.
Danny: Look at this, DJ, Stephanie and Michelle's coupon- book. This is great! And you made it yourselves. I love this!
Danny looks in the coupon- book
Danny: DJ and Stephanie will change Michelle's diaper.
Jesse: I'll hold on to this.
Danny: Sorry Jesse they are not transferable. (He keeps on reading)
Danny: And a free car wash for my car "Bullet".
Do you realize I bought that car 10 years ago on my twentieth birthday. You know, every time I get behind the wheel I put the top down and start blasting myself with improvement tapes, I feel like a kid again.
Jesse: Boy, you were born to raise heck.
The doorbell rings
DJ: Dad, that must be another birthday surprise.
Steph and DJ run out from the kitchen. The others follow.
Danny: Look at them run. Did I ever run like that?
Joey: You bet, you always ran like a girl.
Jesse: Come on grandpa, I help you cross the living room floor.
Danny: You know, you shouldn't be so cocky, just because you are 24 and I'm... I'm...
Jesse and Joey: Thirty!
Jesse: All right, girls tell our lucky contestant what's behind door number one. Phana! Carol Marol!
DJ and Steph open the doors and there stands a man in suit.
Jesse and Joey: TADA!
Danny: I won a man?!
Jesse: Not just any man. Jimmy, tell him what he has won!
Jesse humming and snapping his fingers in the background while Joey tells Danny the prize.
Joey: Okay Bob! Danny Tanner, you'll be riding in style because you have won your very own chauffeur- driver limousine for a day.
Jesse: Ooo!
Joey: Yes, it's a stretched limousine complete with a bar, TV, telephone and a year supply of calendars. One!
Jesse: Wow!
DJ and Stephanie: Aaa!
Danny: You guys have gone all out. This is terrific. But I wish you hadn't gone to such a big expense.
Jesse: We didn't. I'm gonna fumigate his house for free. I can't say it enough, God bless silverfish.
Danny: Hey girls, do you want to ride to school in a limo?
DJ: I'd love to ride in a limo. But can it take us somewhere else besides school?
Stephanie: Let's hit the mal!
DJ: All right, Steph!
Danny: You're going to school. Let's go! To Joey and Jesse Thanks for a terrific birthday. Okay, I want one thing. I want you to remember I do not want a party. This will be our little secret.
Jesse and Joey: Okay! Fine!
Danny: I mean it, no party.
Jesse: Fine!
Danny walks out
Jesse: Back to the party.
Joey: Well, Bob I think we'll make up the decorations in to...
Jesse: No, no, no, don't with the voice.
Joey: Okay, food arrives at five. Belly- dancer arrives at 5.30. Belly- dancer leaves at 6. Guests arrive at 6.30. Limo- drive standing here at home at 7. What about his present?
Jesse: All right, the present. I'm leaving work early. I'm gonna take "Bullet". Get him fitted for seat covers. He is gonna love it. Come on!
Jesse and Joey go out and watch Danny's car.
Joey: Boy, he really loves this car.

Jesse: Hey, who wouldn't? I mean we're talking about a car that goes from 0 to 60 in two weeks.

Later that day the guests have arrived and are in the living room. Steph and DJ comes out from the kitchen
DJ: Now Steph, do it just the way I told you.
Stephanie: I'm old enough to carry a tray of apesisers... alebisers...cheese- sticks!
Steph goes to a lady named
Caroline: .

Stephanie: Excuse me, do you care about cheese?
Caroline: : Thank you, Stephanie!
DJ: Steph, it's do you care FOR cheese?
Stephanie: She took one, didn't she?

Jesse outside with a damaged "Bullet"
Jesse: All right, good night! Thanks for dragging it home.
Tow- man: Sure pal, good luck!
Jesse: (to himself) Poor "Bullet". Maybe Danny won't notice. Boy, am I in trouble. Joey!

In the kitchen
Joey: Jesse, what's wrong? I have never seen your face this shade of green before. This must be serious.
Jesse: It is.
DJ and Steph enter the kitchen.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, is something wrong? I'm getting these vibes.
Jesse: Yes, something is very wrong.
DJ: I knew it. This is great.
Jesse and Joey look at her with confused faces
DJ: I'm sorry, but I'm developing woman's intuition. It's a big step in my life.
Jesse: Listen, your father's car has been in a little accident.
Joey: How little?
Jesse: Big little. Follow me! You guys can take a look.
Jesse opens the door and the others look out.
Joey, DJ and Stephanie: Ooo!
Stephanie: You're dead meat!
Joey: This is going to take all the fun out of those seat covers. What are you going to do?
Jesse: I'm gonna do what I have to do. I'm gonna tell him the truth.
DJ: When we're in trouble we give dad "we're the cutest little girls in the world look".
Steph and DJ give a cute innocent smile
Jesse: That may work for you girls, but I don't have those cute little dimples.
Joey: Maybe if you put a pretty little bow in your hair or something.
Jesse: Not funny.
Caroline: comes running in to the kitchen
Caroline: : Danny's coming up the steps! Come on!
She, DJ, and Steph run out to the living room
Jesse: What do we do?
Joey: Okay, here's the plan: First we hide the seat covers.
Jesse: All right, hide the seat covers. Now what?
Joey: It's tough enough for Danny turning 30. It's his birthday and you got to promise you are not going to ruin it for him.
Jesse: Okay, I promise.
Joey: Then we have to make sure he has the best time he has ever had in his entire life.
Jesse: Good, we do that.
Joey: Then in the after glow, you'll set him down and gently rip his hear out.
Jesse: Can't you come up with a happier ending.
Joey: Yeah, the car- ferry shows up and makes everything wonderful.
Jesse and Joey go out in the living room. There it's dark and everybody is waiting for Danny to come in.
Caroline: : Sssch! Quiet everyone!
Danny outside the door.
Danny: Let's see, 15 of my friends' cars parked right out front, I wonder...
He turns on the light
Everybody except Danny: Happy birthday!
Danny: Thank you, thank you! This is great! I love this! Everybody is here. This is so nice. All my friends from the station are here. Are we running a test pattern tonight? Cousin Ed! O, cousin Ed!
Caroline: , why aren't you out running your fishing- boat?
Caroline: : O, what?! And miss your nineteenth birthday party.
Danny: I'm so glad you are here.
Stephanie: Daddy, would you care for some cheese?
Danny: O, yes Stehpanie, thank you!
Stephanie: This is too easy, I'm ready for dip.
Danny: There you are you birthday- nuts. I thought I told you no party.
Joey: You say that every year.
Danny: This is the last surprise, isn't it?
Jesse: Well...
Joey: Danny, I just want you to know that Jesse deserves the credit. This whole party was his idea, because he loves you.
Jesse: Right.
Joey: Always remember that.
Jesse: Please.
Danny: Jesse, I know you hate when I hug you...
Jesse: Hey, I have an idea: It's your birthday, what the heck, why don't I hug you this time, huh?! Brother in law!
They hug and DJ takes a picture
Stephanie: Say cheese!
Danny and Jesse: Cheese!
DJ: We'll call this the "before picture".

Later Danny sits in the living room opening his presents
Jesse: Open up!
Caroline: : Now Danny, if you don't like it there's no way I can return it, so you better like it.
Everybody laughs and look at the present, which is a very small fish, nailed to a wooden plate
Caroline: , this is great.
Caroline: : The last time Danny went fishing on my boat he didn't catch a thing, so I minored his bate.
Danny: Hey, I'm just out there for the fresh air.
Steph walks in with the seat cover- present
Stephanie: Daddy, I found another present.
Jesse and Joey: No, no, no...
Stephanie: You never saw me!
Danny grabs the present
Danny: O, the gifts just keep on coming. Look at this, from Jesse and Joey to "Bullet" and Danny. O, great!
Wow, sheepskin seat covers for "Bullet". I could cry.
DJ: O, you will.
Danny: I'm gonna to try these on right now.
Danny runs out to the kitchen. Joey, Jesse, DJ and Steph follow
Jesse: Excuse me. I think now would be a good time to tell him.
Danny, Danny! Before you go out there I want to tell you something: "Bullet" was in an accident.
Danny: Is he all right?
Jesse nods his head
Jesse: No. This is what happened: I'm coming out of "Pep boyd's" right, with your wonderful yet sensationally useless party- gift. And this idiot pounded the back of "Bullet" right, it sends him down the hill, through this guardrail, into the air where he did kind of full gantry, glanced in the bay and sank like a stone. But look, "Bullet" went out with a blaze of glory.
Danny starts laughing. Jesse is also starting to laugh
Danny: Just for a second you had me going. He sank to the bottom of the bay. Do you know how a car would look like if it sank to the bottom of the bay?
Jesse: (whispering) I know.
Danny walks outside and keeps on laughing, but stops after a while when he has seen the car. DJ takes another picture
DJ: We'll call this the "after picture".
Stephanie: Daddy, are you all right?
Danny: Of course sweetheart. I'm fine.
Joey: That's the same smile Jack Nicholson had in "The Shining".
Danny: Maybe it just needs a little touch up paint.
Jesse: Danny, listen, I'm gonna make this up to you, I promise. I accept all responsibility. Even though it was actually the fault of the Spanish missionaries for being so dumb to build a city on so many hills that go up...
Danny: Hey pal, I'm fine. These things happen. Que sera sera. OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA life goes on...bra.
Jesse: Drop the act. I mean every weekend you are out here polishing this thing, waxing this thing. It's ruined. The outside is ruined. The inside is ruined.
He tries to open the door, but gets the handle in his hand.
Jesse: The handle is actually in good shape.
Joey: Jesse, it's not about the hundreds of hours of labor he poured in to this car, it's about ten years of memories. Danny, this car was with you through the tuff years. It drove you till your first real job. And it helped you raise a family. Man, this car was your twenties.
Jesse: That's good, we lost the phony smile, very good. All right, get in touch with your anger. Let it all out! Hit me go ahead hit me. No, I got a better idea, hit the car. Hit the car. Let it go, let it go. Go ahead.
Danny kicks one of the tires and air gets out
Jesse: Doesn't that feel better, huh? Feels good, right?
Danny: I can honestly say that this is one birthday I will never forget. Good night! Good night, girls!
DJ and Stephanie: Good night!
Danny: O, and thank you very much for the lovely seat covers.
Danny goes inside
Joey: Probably not the best time for birthday cake.

Next morning. Danny is sitting with Michelle in her room looking in a book.
Danny: Look, honey it's Mr. Dog. What does Mr. Dog say?
Michelle makes a little noise
Danny: I may be holding a first woman president.Look, it's Mr. Pig. What does Mr. Pig say?
Michelle makes a little grunt
Danny: Close enough. Let's go for three. O, it's Mr. Car. What does Mr. Car say? You are right he doesn't say anything, because he's dead.
Joey enters the room
Joey: Good morning! How are you guys doing?
Danny: What are you doing up so early?
Joey: I thought I heard Michelle crying.
Danny: No, that was me.
Joey: Can I hold her?
Danny: Sure.
Joey: Come here Sweetheart. Come on buddy, cheer up, it's just a car. Actually it's a big wet lawn sculpture. Come on, I dare you to look at this baby and not smile. (With baby- voice) Hi daddy, it's me, it's me... (Danny laughs)
Joey: That a boy, see, now who cares about a car?
Danny: Joey, it's more than just a car. I'm talking about the big picture. Who are we? Where are we going? And why do we have to get there so fast?
Joey: We're Joey and Danny and we're going down to the kitchen, and we are going there fast because if we don't Jesse'll eat all the microwave pancakes.
Danny: Do you remember back in Jr. High School when we had woodshop with old man Pafko?
Joey: Yeah, I remember that old geezer.
Danny: Joey, old man Pafko was 27. It seems like it was yesterday you were saying to me: "Danny, I wonder what it's like out in the real world, getting a job, being a grown up.
Joey: I did say that yesterday.
Jesse stands in the door
Jesse: Hello!
Joey: Hey Jesse!
Danny: Jesse, it's all right, come on in.
Jesse: Hello Michelle! Come here!
He blows bubbles on her tummy
Jesse: Are you still mad at me?
Danny: I know what happened wasn't your fault.
Jesse: Listen, I'll make it up to you, I promise. Joseph, go get dressed we're taking a ride.
Joey: Where are we going?
Jesse: Sssch! Are you going to be home today?
Danny: Where am I going? I got no car. And I'm an old man who just turned... I just turned...
Jesse and Joey: Thirty!
Danny: Thank you.
Jesse: Stay right here. I got a big surprise for you.
Danny: O, please no more surprises.
Jesse: No, no! This surprise you're gonna love. Come on Joey!
Joey and Jesse walk out of the room. Then Jesse runs back.
Jesse: One more for the road!
He blows Michelle's tummy again
Jesse: Unresistable! I can't keep my lips of her tummy.
Jesse gets out from the room and Danny blows Michelle's stomach
Danny: He's right, you have it for me!
He blows her stomach again

Jesse and Joey walk in to a car store and see a car exactly like "Bullet"
Jesse: Yes!
Joey: All right!
Jesse: Wow, look at this car!
Joey: Yes!
Jesse: It's the same color, this thing look just like "Bullet". All right!
Jesse looks up towards heaven
Jesse: Thank you, I'll see you on Sunday.
Joey: This is "Bullit's" twin- brother. How did you find him?
Jesse: Simple, I picked up the phone and dialed every dealer in Northern California. It doesn't matter, I found you, I found you! What am I talking to here?!
Joey: We are going to buy and we're going to take you home and Danny is going to be so happy.
Joey kisses the car
Jesse: Joey, Joey, Joey, it's gonna be quite difficult to get a good prize for the car if you're actually kissing the car. Now listen, this is important, Danny gets 11 700 from the insurance company. The important thing is that we get this car for eleven and seven.
Car Salesman: : Excuse me, is there something I can help you fine gentlemen with?
Jesse: We're just browsing around, browsing and look at the cars. Well, how about this one, I mean, what's the story on "Bullet"...on this car?
Car Salesman: : 12 grand.
Joey: 12 grand! I wouldn't pay a nickle over eleven seven.
Car Salesman: picks up the ringing phone
Car Salesman: : Paul's slising cars. Paul, himself.
You guys are not gonna believe this but I have a guy on the phone right now, who's offering 12 grand for that car side on seen.
Jesse: He's bluffing us, Joseph. Watch me I play in to it. A, eleven seven, Paul.
Car Salesman: shakes his head
Jesse: Okay, fine. No eleven seven. We're walking out the door and we ain't coming back. (whispering) He'll stop us, watch. Goodbye Paul! We'll see you Paul! Bye, bye Paulie!
Joey: We're running out the door.
Jesse: Bye, bye Paulie! Adios Paul!
Car Salesman: : (in the phone) Congratulations, Sir! When can you come down to pick it up?
Jesse: Hi Paul. 12 and one.
Car Salesman: : (in the phone) I'm sorry, Sir, I just received an offer of 12 one.
Danny is in the other end of the phone. DJ and Steph sit beside him in the living room
Danny: I give you 12 500.
DJ and Stephanie: Go, daddy, go!
Car Salesman: : 12 500 dollars.
Jesse: 13 000
Car Salesman: : 13 000
Danny: 14 000
DJ: I'll take it on to 20.
Stephanie: Count me in for 73 cents.
Car Salesman: : You're up to 14 020 dollars and 73 cents.
Jesse: We got to get Danny this car. 14 020 dollars and 75 cents.
Car Salesman: : 14 020 dollars and 75 cents.
DJ: What's he up to dad?
Danny: He went up two cents.
Stephanie: I got a loose tooth, whatever the tooth- ferry gives me it's yours.
Danny: 15 000
Car Salesman: : I get 15 000, 15 000. Do I hear 16 000?
Jesse: 16 000
Joey: 17 000
Car Salesman: : I got 17 000 dollars.
Jesse: No, no that doesn't count, the yahoo- bird bid against me.
Car Salesman: : Too late, he is up to 18 000 now.
Jesse: You tell him that I'm gonna pay anything for that car. I'm gonna pay 20 000 bucks.
Car Salesman: : 20 000 dollars.
Danny: 20 000 dollars! I'm going crazy over a car I haven't even seen. Look, I got to send my daughters to college. It's only a car, let the other guy have it.
Danny hangs up the phone
Car Salesman: : He went up another thousand. I think that car can be yours for only 22 000 dollars.
Jesse: We went from eleven and seven to 22 000 dollars.
Joey: How are we gonna pay that? Do you know how many jokes I have to tell?
Jesse: Do you know how many bugs I have to kill? We just get Danny's car somewhere else.
Joey: Give it to the other guy.
Car Salesman: : Boys, boys, boys, let's not be hasty here. Did I say 22 000 dollars? I actually meant 21... 20?...19?...
Jesse: How about eleven and five, Paul?
Car Salesman: : Sold!
Jesse: Yes!
Car Salesman: : Can interest you boys in an extended service contract?
Jesse: Write out the car, Paul.

Later Jesse and Joey come home in to the kitchen
Jesse: Danny! Daniel!
Danny: Hey guys! I'm glad you're here, I've got some great news.
Jesse: So do we.
Danny: Let me tell you mine first.
Jesse: Okay.
Danny: Do you remember when I thought the only car I could ever love was "Bullet"?
Jesse: Yah.
Danny: Well, I was wrong. Wouldn't I look good behind the wheel of a jeep wagon here.
Look at this, reretract loctive wrensel, selfcieling radios, anti deftegnition. I can't wait to find out what these things mean.
Jesse: You can't be serious.
Danny: Of course I am. In fact I even called a dealer ship today and started biding on a car that was exactly like "Bullet". There was this other "Yoyo" there that kept hiking up the prize. So I just said bye, bye "Bullet". I went car shopping and guys, I fell in love so tomorrow I am buying my first new car ever.
Joey: I hope you are not planning on using your insurance check.
Danny: What are you talking about?
Jesse: Well, that was our little surprise. We got you a birthday gift. Take a look!
Danny goes outside and sees the new car
Danny: Aaa! (He walks in again)
Danny: You to were the "Yoyo's"
Jesse: Yo.
Joey: Yo.
Danny: I love that car.
Joey: I thought you just said bye, bye "Bullet".
Danny: To the old "Bullet". You have to move on in life.
Joey: So move on to your wagon here.
Danny: Hey, what better symbol for the next decade than a gift from my two best friends. Birthdays aren't about numbers, they are about who you spend them with. You guys made this one great.
Jesse: Do you really want to keep the car?
Danny: Absolutely, thank you.
Joey and Jesse: Happy birthday...again!
Danny: Do you know what really feels nice, for the first time it feels great to be...thirty.
Jesse: He said it!
Joey: So what are you gonna name it? "Bullet Junior"?
Danny: Come on Joey, a 30- year old man doesn't name his car. Go get the kids, let's go for a spin.
Jesse: All right, we'll get them. Stephanie!
Joey: DJ!
Jesse and Joey walk up the stairs. Danny goes out to the car.
Danny: I'll be right back... Walter.

The family cruises with the new car over the "Golden Gate Bridge", while the song "Drive my car" is playing in the background.

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1987
Directed by: Howard Storm
Written by: Bob Perlow & Gene Braunstein

Guest Cast:
Caroline: : Dorothy Parke

Script edited by: Ellen Elg
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 21/06/1999