Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 016 * But Seriously Folks

No Teaser

In Jesse's bedroom
Jesse: Now, let's try the A minor seventh chord, which is the first finger. Okay, first fret-- Relax, relax. First fret, third string. There you go. This finger goes there, that finger.
DJ: I almost have it. If I only had one more finger.
Jesse: All right, give it a try. Let's hear it. That was very good. That--That was very close to music.
Kimmy: Not close enough.
DJ: Kimmy, I swear, I'm gonna learn how to play this thing. Now, don't forget, starting The Bracelets was my idea.
Kimmy: That's why it would be so tragic to have to replace you.
Jesse: Kimmy, do me a favor. Don't help. All right, let's do the song "Venus." Okay, you start it. Go ahead, DJ Go ahead.
Jesse: Good. That's-- That's very good. Sing it, kid. Oh, lay it down, child. Burn it down to the ground.
DJ: This side is so much easier to play. Let me try again.
Danny: All right. That was beautiful. Look, I'm sorry to cut this short, but tonight is Joey's big night. Let's go.
Kimmy: DJ, maybe you should stay home tonight and practice. In fact, you may have to drop out of school.
DJ: Kimmy, lighten up. It's that kind of attitude that broke up the Go-Go's.

In the living room
Joey: Danny, listen to this. I got a new bit: Hello, Wilbur. I'm gonna visit all my friends in prison.
Danny: Mister Ed?
Joey: Close. Mister Ed Meese.
Danny: Joey, you are gonna be hot tonight.
Joey: It's finally gonna happen, Danny. I can feel it. Tonight is my night. There's gonna be a talent scout from HBO-
Danny: From HBO who's looking for talented young comics for a big special. Yeah, you might have mentioned it once or twice or several hundred thousand times.
Jesse: Got the kid packed up. She can either spend the night at Grandma's or six months in Europe. Here.
Danny: Thank you.
Joey: I'm sorry you're gonna miss this, Michelle. Okay, give me a kiss for good luck.
Jesse: All right. Well, this kills me, but I'll be supportive for a moment. Joseph, you're a real funny guy. And you're gonna do great tonight. Time's up.
Joey: Well, thanks. I'll be touched for a moment. Time's up. All right. Wish me luck, everybody.
Danny, Jesse & DJ: Good luck!
Joey: Tonight is my night. Yes!
DJ: Well, we better get going too.
Jesse: No, no, we can't go yet. My date hasn't showed up yet. I'm so nervous.
Stephanie: Good evening, Jess.
Jesse: Hello, dear.
Stephanie: Sorry I kept you waiting.
Jesse: May I say you look quite lovely this evening.
Stephanie: And may I say you look quite lovely yourself too, also.
Jesse: Here you are.
DJ: What are you lugging around a purse for?
Stephanie: Because I have woman things I need on a date. Money for a phone call...keys to someplace and, of course, an orange. Shall we?
Jesse: Let's.
Stephanie: Thank you.
Jesse: Thank you.
Stephanie: Thank you.
Jesse: Thank you.
Danny: They do make a lovely couple. I'll get the panda.

At a club
Ed: The fire goes in the pan just like that. And then, voila! A duck.
DJ: This guy's great.
Ed: And now the duck goes into the magic box, right over here. No, no, no, it's not a microwave. Thank you. Then....Oh, yeah!
Jesse: That's entertainment.
Stephanie: What happened to the duck?
Ed: Thank you very much. Good night!
Bruce: Let's hear it for the amazing Ed Alonzo. Come on. We'll be right back after a short break with our very own Joey Gladstone.
Joey: This is every comic's dream, following a magician. The audience is dying to laugh. Don't look now, but the guy from HBO is sitting right behind you. My bodyguards.
Danny: Joey, break a leg.
Stephanie: Break a leg?
Danny: Honey, that means "good luck."
Stephanie: Poke an eye out, Joey.
Jesse: That's my date, huh?
Joey: Thanks, guys.
Jesse & DJ: Good luck.
Joey: All right.
Bruce: All right, we're back. And it's time for Mr. Fun. He's wacky. He's zany. As a matter of fact, we consider him family because he expects to get fed for free. Wait a minute. I know that laugh. Is Phyllis--? Is that Phyllis Diller?
Phyllis: Oh, I love you, Brucie.
Bruce: Why don't you stand up and take a bow.
Phyllis: Oh, thank you. I had no trouble getting up. I've had things lifted so many times I rise automatically.
Bruce: You think we can get her up here to tell a few jokes?
Phyllis: I can't. I can't.
Joey: No, you can't, you can't. This is my night.
Bruce: Please?
Phyllis: Oh, what the heck. I hate to see a grown man beg. I take that back. I love it.
Bruce: Let's hear it. Phyllis Diller!
Phyllis: Number one, I shouldn't have married Fang. I found that out at the wedding. He got down to the altar and asked for a blindfold and a cigarette. Then he paid the organist 20 bucks to play "What Kind of Fool Am I?" Then he tried to get my garter off over my head. And he did. He said the engagement ring was a square-cut emerald. It was a Chiclet. So I told Fang, " l did not lose the bumper. It's in the back seat." I can't believe I've been up here an hour.
Joey: Hour and a half.
Phyllis: I've gotta go. I've got dinner reservations, and my date is getting cold. You've been absolutely great.
Bruce: Let's hear it for Phyllis Diller! What a treat! Phyllis Diller, ladies and gentlemen. Let's hear it. No, no, wait, wait! There's plenty more laughs! I--Anyway, you guys know what ticks me off more than anything else? Have you guys seen the stuff they're giving away in cereal boxes? Well, let's hear it for our own Joey Gladstone!
Joey: Thank you. Thank you. Aren't we lucky? Of all nights, Phyllis Diller picked tonight to be at this club. Remember when you were younger, how your mom always had the final word? And she could always change any word she wanted into a verb. It was kind of like, "Hey, Mom, can I have a cookie?" "I'll cookie you." Thanks a lot. Hope your tractor starts. I see some people here on dates tonight. Why do you always take credit when your date gets compliments as if you had something to do with it? It's like: "Your girlfriend's really a doll." "Well, thanks. I made her at home with my chemistry set." Wait, would you like to hear some impressions? Some current events? Would you like to see my bridgework?

In Joey's bedroom
Danny: Joey, you down here?
Joey: I'm here.
Danny: We were worried. We didn't hear you come in last night.
Joey: Good morning, all.
DJ: Is that you inside that suit?
Joey: Indeed it is.
Jesse: He's been moussing.
Danny: Joey, you've never moussed.
Joey: Please, call me Joe. It's more sophisticated more grown-uppy.
Jesse: Excuse me, Joe. Is there a punch line to this?
Joey: Oh, there's no punch line. You see, last night was a revelation. That big break is not coming. I am going to venture into the business world. I'm going to get a real job and make some real money. I'm starting a whole new way of life.
DJ: But what about your comedy?
Joey: DJ, there comes a point in your life where you just have to say to yourself: "I tried and I failed." I'm just glad I found this out now, and not when I'm 46 years old. I am quitting comedy.
Jesse: Lee lacocca?
Joey: My man.

In the living room
Jesse: Boy, I'm glad I took off work today. Otherwise, I would have missed a fascinating tour of every daycare center in the Northern Bay Area.
Danny: I know, but once Joey finds a job, we're gonna lose a babysitter. We've gotta find a great place for Michelle.
Jesse: We narrowed it down to your favorite 803.
Danny: Okay, let's switch. Here you go.
Jesse: Come here, Michelle.
Danny: Okay. I liked this place. "Piggly Wiggly's Fitness and DaycareCenter...specializing in toddlerobics." Oh, look at this. A complimentary sweatband. See how she likes it. I'll crank some music.
Jesse: Here we go, Michelle. Let's try it on. Arnold Schwarzen-baby.
Danny: Okay. Let's work her out.
Jesse: Here we go, Michelle. Work it out. And up! Now go! Again!
Danny: And up! Now breathe! Now go! Now go! Now work it!
Jesse: Now go! Feel the burn! Now go! Now up! Now work it! Now go!
Danny: Now feel the burn! Now go! Now work it! Now go!
Jesse: Now feel the burn! Now go! Obviously, you feel pretty secure about those chubby little legs of yours.
Danny: Let's go with the center with the nicest people.
Jesse: Good thinking.
Danny: Okay. I'll get this off.
Jesse: Come here.
Joey: Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Jesse: Afternoon, Joe. How'd it go today?
Joey: Two more job offers. Bank teller and a stockbroker trainee.
Danny: Great. Which one are you gonna take?
Joey: Neither. The bank job, the bank was way up on this big hill. Gotta go all the way up the hill, back down the hill. Not my style. Stockbroker job, they served me instant coffee. Enough said?
Jesse: You've been offered eight jobs, and you've found something wrong with all eight.
Joey: Hey, I know what I'm doing. I don't wanna rush into anything. I'm not gonna make the same mistake I did when I got into comedy.
Stephanie: Hi, Daddy. Hi, Uncle Jesse. Hello, Joe.
Joey: Hello, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Wanna watch Rocky & Bullwinkle?
Joey: No cartoons for me, Steph. I am going to read The Wall Street Journal. Cartoons. I'm a businessman.
Stephanie: I miss the old Joey.
Danny: So do I. He's not happy about giving up comedy. That's why he's turning down those jobs. Joey's really starting to worry me.
Jesse: Joey's always worried me.

In Jesse's bedroom
Jesse: Here we go. It goes like this. Try that.
DJ: No, no, wrong, wrong. I stink! My hands are too small. My fingers cramp up. It's just too hard.
Jesse: Yes, DJ, it is hard at first, but--How would you like to hear a story about a little boy?
DJ: I have a feeling I'm gonna hear it no matter what I say.
Jesse: Once, there was a little boy who heard an Elvis Presley record. The King.
DJ: Wonderful story.
Jesse: It gets better. It gets better. This little boy, he was so inspired that he hopped on his bike...he pedaled down to that pawnshop, traded his bike in for a guitar. And that boy...he sat in his room, he practiced day and night, night and day. Where else could he go? He had no bike. Anyway, finally, one magical day...the music surged through his body, into his fingertips, and he could do this: And you know what? That little boy...was me.
DJ: Big surprise ending.
Jesse: So, what do you think?
DJ: Think I'll take the guitar down to the pawnshop and get myself a new bike. I'll never be a Bracelet. I quit.
Jesse: DJ, you put The Bracelets together. You can't quit.
DJ: I tried and I failed. I'm just glad I figured this out now and not when I'm 46.
Jesse: Joey. Danny!

In the corridor
Danny: What's the matter?
Jesse: We gotta come up with an idea to get Joey back into comedy.
Danny: All right. I like that attitude. What caused the sudden change of heart?
Jesse: Daniel, Joseph is our friend. He needs us. Besides, I hate that moussy hair of his. Come on.

At a club
Jesse: It's nice of you guys to come watch me try out some new tunes.
Joey: Kind of strange being here at the old club. This place has barely changed.
Danny: Joe, you were here three days ago.
Joey: Right.
Bruce: Well, welcome to amateur night. We got magicians, we got singers, we got comics. And by popular demand, no mimes. Let's start things off with the music of Jesse Cochran. Let's hear it. Go, Jess! Yeah!
Jesse: Thanks very much, but there's been a change in plans. You see, this evening I'm going to begin my career as a standup comedian.
Joey: Oh, he's gotta be kidding.
Jesse: I'd like to start off with a fast impression. Goes like this: Hello, Wilbur. Let's go down and visit some of my friends in prison. Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Moose! It's Mister Ed Meese. He's stealing my material.
Danny: What do you care? You quit doing comedy.
Joey: That's right. I'm just a businessman enjoying the show.
Jesse: Why is it, when you have a pretty date, and you say: "Hey, thank you, man. I got a chemistry set"?
Joey: Hey, if you're gonna steal my jokes, steal them right, you yahoo-bird.
Danny: Realize you're the first comic in history to heckle his own act?
Jesse: What's really strange is, you know how your mom, she can change any--? Sorry. Your mother, she can change anything into, like, an adjective. A pronoun. A syllable.
Joey: A verb!
Jesse: A verb! She can change....Your mom-- Your mother can change anything into a verb. It's like--She comes-- No, I come-- No, she comes home, and she says-- No, I ask her: "Hey--"Mother. "Hey, Mother." I say, "Hey, Mom-- Mother, can I...? Hey, can I have a cookie?" She says, "You want some milk with that?"
Joey: That is, "I'll cookie you!" You're killing my jokes. This is comedy murder.
Jesse: You think you could do better?
Joey: This napkin could do better.
Jesse: Be my guest, pal.
Joey: All right, fine. Ladies and gentlemen, what he's trying to say is that when your mom--I fell right into your little trap, didn't I?
Danny: Break your legs, buddy.
Jesse: Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy of Joseph Gladstone.
Joey: All right, get out of here. Jesse Cochran! Okay, that's enough.
Jesse: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Joey: See, what Jesse was talking about was moms and when you were younger. My mom used to chase me around, but she didn't chase me with her legs...she chased me with her arms. So it was two propellers coming at me, like: "You get back here. You get back here." And I'm just going: "Mom, you're gonna take off, and I don't think you have clearance from the tower." I couldn't outrun my dad. He'd chase me, pulling his belt like he was starting his hips. "You come back here. You come back here." Oh, gosh. Every time my dad pulled his belt, he ran faster. I thought for years, "Well, maybe my dad's a riding lawn mower." I didn't know. Did you guys ever wake up, and you answer the phone...and you sound just like Elmer Fudd? So you're like, "Hello." And you never admit to the other person that you just woke up. We always lie. "Oh, no, I've been up for hours and hours." And you look in the mirror, and you look like Elmer Fudd. "This is worse than I ever dreamed." Oh, come on. Quit it. Get out of here.

In the kitchen
Joey: Thanks for all your help.
Jesse: All right.
Danny: Yeah. That's where you belong. Up on stage, bringing joy to total strangers.
Joey: You're right. I just get so tired of waiting for that big break. And the paycheck that goes with it.
Jesse: Take one of those jobs. Why do you think I work as an exterminator? Think I play rock 'n' roll music to support my bug-killing habit?
Joey: You're right. I'm gonna find something I can do at home. That way, I can still watch the girls, make a few bucks and still do my act at night. Tonight....Tonight was my night. Everything worked out great, and we all lived happily ever after. Thank you and good night, guys.
Jesse: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, hold it, whoa. Not so fast.
Joey: You want a hug, don't you?
Jesse: Not unless I'm choking on a chicken bone. No, it seems we have a problem with one of my little nieces.
Joey: We do?
Danny: Jesse told me when you quit comedy...DJ quit playing the guitar.
Joey: She did?
Jesse: Apparently, the kid looks up to you for some strange reason.
Joey: She does?
Danny: And you know what to do about it.
Joey: I do? Danny &
Jesse: You do.
Joey: I do.
Jesse: You see? He did. Didn't he?

In DJ and Stephanie's bedroom
Joey: DJ? DJ
DJ: Joey, this isn't what it looks like.
Joey: It looks like you're watching David Letterman.
DJ: Okay, it is what it looks like. What's up?
Joey: Well, Deej...I just wanted to tell you what happened tonight. Should we go someplace else so we don't wake Steph?
DJ: Are you kidding? The kid slept through Johnny Carson. Not that I was watching it.
Joey: Oh, no. Well, DJ, guess what. I got back up on-stage tonight, I did my standup, and I was great.
DJ: But I thought you quit.
Joey: Well, I did, but I....I think I was just frustrated and looking for the easy way out.
DJ: Oh, I get it. Jesse told you I quit the guitar, and now you're here to talk me out of it.
Joey: So I guess I can skip "the tortoise and the hare" story.
DJ: I'd appreciate it. I didn't quit just because of you. I quit because I stink.
Joey: DJ, how do you know you stink? You've only been playing a week. But if you keep practicing, you might get really good at it. But if you quit now, you may never know.
Stephanie: He's right, DJ
DJ: What are you doing up?
Stephanie: I'm not up. I'm talking in my sleep.
Joey: DJ, one more thing. Giving up isn't your style. You put The Bracelets together. I mean, you picked the name of the group. DJ, you get things done. The DJ I know wouldn't give up just because it's the easy way out. Good night, girls.
Stephanie: Good night, Joe.
Joey: Call me Joey.
Stephanie: Really? You're Joey again?
Joey: That's correct, my little friends. So nightie-night night.
Stephanie: He's back. Joey's back. Very nice, DJ Very nice.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Russell Marcus

Guest Cast:
Kimmy: Andrea Barber
Ed Alonzo: Himself
Phyllis: Unknown
Bruce: Unknown

Script edited by: Sarath Joseph
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 14/02/2012