Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 018 * DJ Tanner's Day Off

No Teaser

DJ is in her bedroom dancing and singing to music and holding a hair brush as a microphone. Just then Kimmy comes in and turns the music off and DJ is still singing and Kimmy laughs.
DJ: Oh. Like you never do this.
Kimmy: Not like that. Check this out Deej. I'm out of school tomorrow. (hands a piece of paper to her)
DJ: (reading) Please excuse Kimmy from school. Our family rabbit is having bunnies and we want Kimmy to share the miracle. (looks at her) Your mother wrote this?
Kimmy: Nah. My parents are in Vegas. My big brother wrote it. It cost me 20 bucks but I got the money from HIS wallet!
DJ: This means you can come to the mini mall and get Stacy Q's autograph.
DJ and Kimmy: Stacy Q! She's so RAD!!!!
Just then Stephanie comes in.
Stephanie: Hi. What are you doing? What are you talking about? Can I play?
DJ and Kimmy stare at her.
Stephanie: (waving her hands back and forth in front of their faces) Hello? Hello?!
DJ: Steph let me explain this one more time. Your world is down here (she puts her hand low near the floor) and our world is up here. (she puts her hand up really high)
Stephanie grabs a chair and then stands on it.
Stephanie: Okay. Now can I play?

Downstairs Joey is holding Michelle and Jesse is writing something. Danny calls up to the girls.
Danny: Girls come on downstairs and say, "Good Bye"! (to Jesse and Joey) Okay. Here are a few phone numbers you'll need while I'm in L.A. Paediatrician, Grandma, Police, Fire Department, the other Grandma, Poison Control, the Dentist. (he gives the list of Emergency Phone Numbers to Jesse)
Jesse: You left off the White House and the Equalizer.
Danny: Okay maybe I'm over reacting. It just that it's my first time away from the girls overnight.
DJ, Kimmy, and Stephanie come downstairs.
DJ: We'll miss you.
Danny: (hugging Michelle) I'll miss you. (hugging Stephanie) I'll miss you. (hugging DJ) I'll miss you. (hugging Kimmy) I'll miss you!
Stephanie: Daddy. Take it easy! You're hugging OTHER peoples' kids!
Danny: Sorry Kimmy. Okay you do know that while I'm gone Uncle Jesse and Joey are going to be in charge. So you'll be on your best behaviour right?
DJ: We won't let you down Dad.
Joey: Okay girls. It's time for bed let's go!
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse can I stay up an extra 15 minutes?
Jesse: Absolutely not!
Danny: Bye Bye. Honey.
DJ: Before you go Dad. You wouldn't mind me going to get my favourite singer Stacy Q's autograph would you?
Danny: No. Not at all.
DJ and Kimmy make a thumbs up sign at each other.
DJ: Great you're the best Dad. Just sign this note excusing me from school tomorrow and have a wonderful trip!
Danny: Nice try DJ.
DJ: Oh come on Dad you just said I could have the autograph. I'll only be missing one day of school.
Danny: I'm sorry.
DJ: I'll make it up. I'll go to school on Christmas.
Danny: DJ. We all have our jobs. My job is to go to L.A. and cover surfing competitions. Your job is to go to school.
DJ: Kimmy gets to go! Why can't I go?!
Danny: Because you're not Kimmy. I don't know why Kimmy's missing school. There's a lot of things about Kimmy I don't understand.
Kimmy waves to Danny and he waves back.
DJ: If I don't get this autograph I'll die!
Danny: Sweetheart. No one has ever died from lack of autograph. I really have to go. Now give your father a big hug.
DJ: (sarcastically) Goodbye Father.
Danny: Come here daughter and give your dad a hug. (they hug). See you tomorrow afternoon. (he leaves)
Kimmy: Sorry DJ.
DJ: This isn't over yet.

Jesse is playing his guitar in his room and DJ comes in as he's singing.
Jesse: (singing) Searching for my woman. I went to Carolina. Followed her to China I still couldn't find her. I heard she moved to Cleveland. I forgot that she was leaving. I was hard, she was even, and boy did it snow. (talking) Oh God that was horrible.
DJ: I loved it.
Jesse: Really? I could be wrong?
DJ: I think you're very talented. You're charming, good looking, funny, great head of hair.
Jesse: Okay. What do you want? By the way whatever it is you got it!
DJ: Can I interview you? I have an essay to do on the person I like most. And of course I picked you.
Jesse: Why sure. Here. Sit. Be. Go. Well, it all began 150 years ago with my great great grandfather Spero.
DJ: Uncle Jesse. Let's skip ahead to your life. I bet you were pretty wild as a little kid huh?
Jesse: Oh DJ, You might say I was a, "Rebel Munch kin". In all of my colouring books I collared on the outside of the lines..... ON PURPOSE!
DJ: You were bad.
Jesse: You bet!
DJ: I bet you got away with all kinds of stuff. You probably ditched school a lot huh?
Jesse: Well.... Not a lot. But once in while. Not that I'm proud of it. But I was the best. Not that I'm proud of that either. But there was this one time that I was particularly proud of. I was dying to see The Rolling Stones Farewell Concert. I think it was either their fifth or their sixth. No wait! It was their sixth!
DJ: Get to the ditching part. Please?
Jesse: Oh. Sure. Well, I just played the basic sick scam. I said I had a fever and I had cold hands and red eyes. And of course those 2 magical words (in a sad voice), "I'm siiiiick."
DJ: Wait! Slow down. I can't write that fast!
Jesse: Sorry. That's, "I'm sick" with 5 Is. There you go. Meantime I told her I really want to go to school but she calls me in sick anyway.
DJ: Well then how did you go to the concert?
Jesse: Ahhh tit tit tit! (holds his finger up) Here comes the genus of your Uncle J. What I did was ten minutes later I convinced my mom I was all better. So she sends me to school.
DJ: And since she already called the school…
Jesse: They weren't expecting me.
DJ: And you were free to get the autogra... I mean to go to the concert. Thanks Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: Sure. Well, anyway after the concert- (DJ starts to leave) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Was that the end of the interview?
DJ: Um.... No. What's your favourite colour?
Jesse: Black.
DJ: Thank You. (she leaves)

The next morning DJ is warming herself up and is checking the thermometer....
DJ: 106. Hospital. (she puts it on a cold popsicle) 104. Doctor. (she shakes the thermometer) 101. Out of school. (8 seconds later she puts on the sick act) Ohhhhh.....
Stephanie: What's wrong?
DJ: I'm siiiiick..... (she lies in bed)
Stephanie: (rubbing her head) Poor baby..... I'll go get Joey. You just need some peace and quiet. (screaming) Joey! Get in here!
Joey rushes in.
Joey: What is it? What's wrong?
Stephanie: She's siiiiick...... (to DJ) I'll get you some juice DJ. I wish I got you Stacy Q's autograph. (she leaves)
Joey: (feeling her) DJ you're burning up. (checks the thermometer) You have a fever of 101.
DJ: 101? Let me see.
Joey feels her hands.
Joey: DJ. Your hands feel like icicles.
DJ: They do. Joey I have to go to school today. I have a big test on (cough) Canada.
Joey: You want to go to school that bad? You must be really sick. I'm calling school right now. (he leaves)
DJ: Ohhhh.... (Looks at a Stacy Q poster on the wall.) I am SO rad!

Meanwhile downstairs Joey and Michelle are cleaning.
Joey: Michelle. You're doing a great job. Tomorrow I'm going to show you how to vacuum.
DJ comes downstairs.
DJ: Hi Joey.
Joey: What are you doing out of bed?!
DJ: My hands are warm, my head is full, I'm going to school.
Joey: FREEZE! (makes a siren noise) Move it! I need to see your licence, registration, and forehead. (checks her forehead) You feel fine. How can that possibly be?
DJ: It's a miracle!
Joey: The miracle would be if I fell for this. I know exactly what's going on here.
DJ: You do?
Joey: What do you think?! I'm an Idiot?!
Michelle smiles.
Joey: It's pretty obvious to me. You felt so guilty about getting out that test with that phoney sick bit, you finally broke down and finally decided to go to school.
DJ: That's exactly right! Boy I can't fool you!
Joey: No you really can't Deej. You're a classy kid. I'm proud of you.
DJ: Well I'm off to school to take that test. (she leaves)
Joey: No speeding. Michelle your daddy is going to be so happy when he sees the way I'm handling things. (Michelle picks up a bowl and begins licking it with her tongue.) No Michelle. I wash. You dry.

We see DJ and Kimmy waiting in line to get Stacy Q's autograph.
DJ: We got to be cool. (she says Hi to them)
DJ and Kimmy: She's so rad!
Stacy Q: Thanks for coming down.
DJ: You're welcome Miss Q.
Stacy Q: Stacy. Who shall I make these out to?
Kimmy: I'm Kimmy. A 'Y', Two Ms, an I, and a 'K' but not in that order.
DJ: And you can make mine to DJ "The girl who is like a sister to me." "Who I'll take to the Grammy awards...." (She looks at her strange) Or just to DJ.
Stacy Q: There you go girls. See you soon.
DJ: She wants to be our friend!!!!!!
DJ then notices Joey comes in with Michelle.
DJ: It's Joey! Hide! (they hide somewhere)
Joey: (to Michelle) What's the matter? You want down? (she puts her down) Don't buy too many Chipmunk CDS!
Michelle then notices DJ and Kimmy hiding.
DJ: No. No. Go back to Joey. (she goes to them and DJ. throws something) Go get it and take it to Joey. (she picks it up) Good. Now give it to Joey. (she points and goes to them) (to Kimmy) I can't believe I taught her this game.
Joey: Come here Michelle. (to a girl) Would you save my place? I have to get my baby. My little baby. It's not really my baby. (she looks at him strangely) You don't care.
DJ: Go find Joey. (looks up at him) You found Joey. (Michelle smiles)
Joey: DJ what are you doing here?!
DJ: Getting busted. What are you doing here?
Joey: (upset) Well.... I was so impressed by your honesty I came down here and decided to get you an autograph. DJ this is not cool. I trusted you. Give me that autograph! (he takes it from her and hooks a leash to her jacket) Come on. Let's go we're going home.
DJ: (to Kimmy) This is so humiliating. (they leave)

In the kitchen Joey is talking to Michelle while she's eating.
Joey: You know Michelle. It's a shame kids have to grow up. Why can't they be like you? So small, so little, so innocent, so lady like.
Jesse comes in.
Jesse: I'm here. What's the emergency?
Joey: DJ cut school to get Stacy Q's autograph.
Jesse: I left work early for that?! Do you realize I was THIS close to figuring out where that line of ants actually begins?! (to Michelle) How you doing kid? (he goes to the refrigerator to grab something to eat)
Joey: She did more than cut school Jess. She completely faked me out.
Jesse: You? No.
Joey: Jesse this plan was diabolical. She faked the flu, I called in sick for her, then boom she's better and she takes off just like that. That conniving little sneak.
Jesse: Joey she's not the conniving little sneak. I gave her that plan.
Joey: You what?!
Jesse: Well.... she was interviewing me about the person she admires- (shocked) There was no essay. (pounds table) That conniving little sneak!
Joey: Danny's gone. We're in charge. What are we going to do?
Jesse: Well, when I was a kid and I got in trouble my dad showed me no mercy. In fact he took so many privileges away that to this day whenever I visit my parents I go upstairs to my room no TV no dinner!
Joey: Well, whenever I was bad my Dad would set me down, we'd talk about right and wrong, on and on, for hours and hours, till' finally I just beat the hell out of myself.
Jesse: Well, the worse part is when he'd make his "Dad" face like this. (he crosses his arms and makes a grumpy face)
Joey: Let me try. (he makes a face)
Jesse: No Joey. That's the, "I just ate bad chilli." face.

Later in DJ's room.
DJ: You don't have to do that. I feel bad enough. I really blew it. I'm really sorry and I'll never do anything like this again.
Jesse: Regardless. Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct young lady. Misconduct? Young lady? I really am turning into my father. (to Joey) If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to mach throw me down the stairs.
Joey: I'd be honoured. DJ we're going to have to punish you. No TV for 2 weeks.
Jesse: You call that a punishment?! No TV and no music for two weeks!
Joey: Oh yeah?! I see your no TV and no music for 2 weeks and I raise you no friends over for a month!!!!!
Jesse: I call! No TV, No music, and no friends over for a month! Are we agreed young lady?
DJ: Sure. I deserve to be punished. Dad trusted me and I let him down. I hate myself.
Jesse: Excuse us just one second. Joey I think this kid is sorry. I think when Danny comes back from L.A maybe we shouldn't tell him about this.
Joey: Don't you think he has a right to know exactly what happens?!
Jesse: Yes. But I don't want him thinking we can't take care of the girls.
Joey: You're absolutely right I forgot about that. He may never want to leave the house again. (they go over to DJ) DJ we're not going to tell your Dad what happened.
DJ: Well, all right. (she goes and hugs them) Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Later on Joey and Jesse are reading a book to Michelle when Danny comes in and is wearing sun glasses and a cool shirt.
Danny: Cowabunga dudes! (DJ comes running up to Danny and hugs him) Oh I missed my little dudettes. (kisses Michelle) Let me do that again. (he does)
Jesse: L.A claims another victim.
Danny: How did everything go around here?
Jesse + Joey: fine
Stephanie: Hi Daddy! (hugs him) DJ. You look so much better.
Danny: (confused) You look so much better?
DJ: Yeah. I got my hair done.
Stephanie: You got jibbed. I thought you were sick.
DJ: Right. Sick of this hair style.
Jesse: Steph. Walk with me. Talk with me. Why don't we play a brand new game entitled, "Let's Not Talk About DJ" okay?
Stephanie: Okay. Anybody wanna play Let's Not Talk About DJ?!
Everyone has strange looks on their faces.
Jesse: See? Now you've lost the game. Now you have to go into the kitchen and cook us dinner.
Stephanie: I don't know how to cook.
Jesse: Polish the silverware. (Steph leaves)
Danny: (serious) Why are we not talking about DJ?! Was DJ sick this morning?
Joey: Well she was a little under the weather but we got her back on her feet and shipped her right back to school.
Jesse: Yeah. It was hardly worth mentioning but we mentioned it. Everything is great.
Danny: Oh. Well, that's good.
Stephanie: DJ since you missed school today your teacher asked me to give you your homework.
DJ: (sarcastically) Thank you very much.
Joey: That's a good dad face. Right there.
Danny: Donna Jo?
DJ: I talked Uncle Jesse into tricking Joey into thinking I was sick so I could cut school and get that autograph. But then Michelle busted me and Joey took me home. On a leash.
Stephanie: you liar! You made me a liar too. I lied to Joey, your teacher, and everybody!!!!! I thought I knew you. Now I don't! I share my rinse cup with a stranger!
DJ: Stephanie.
Stephanie: I even made you a get well card. (throws it on her) Here! get well!
Danny: DJ. Go wait for me upstairs.
Jesse: Joey I'm starting to feel a little hungry. (They go in the kitchen)
Danny: Guys get back here!
Jesse: (coming back) Actually I'm not that hungry.
Danny: I want to know everything that goes on in my daughter's lives! Look I don't expect you to be perfect parents but I do expect you to be honest! I don't know why! I don't know why! I don't know why I'm wagging my finger at you guys. (calmer) Look. I don't want to lecture you guys. I'd be lost here without you. Did you have to lie to me?
Joey: We just didn't want you to think we couldn't handle things while you were gone.
Jesse: We wanted you to go away and everything would be cool with your kids.
Joey: And if there's ever a problem we should get it right out in the open.
Jesse: That's right we should work things together as a family. In fact. Joey say you're sorry and you mean it!
Joey: I'm sorry. Now you say it.
Jesse: I'm sorry. Thanks for the talk.

Meanwhile in the girls room.
DJ: Stephanie. What are you doing?
Stephanie: I'm making a "get sick" Card!
DJ: I said I was sorry.
Danny comes in.
Stephanie: Uh oh. Lecture time. See ya.
Danny: Steph I think you should stay.
Stephanie: Why do I get a lecture? I didn't do anything.
Danny: But you will. So take accurate notes. DJ come here. Why did you do what you did today?
DJ: Because I wanted that autograph more than anything.
Danny: Do you know the worse part of what you did?
DJ: That I cut school?
Danny: No.
Stephanie: That you tricked Stephanie?!
Danny: Because you were selfish. All you cared about was DJ. You did whatever you had to do to get DJ what you wanted. Even if it meant lying and hurting other people.
DJ: I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
Danny: I know you don't. I think you really care about other people.
DJ: I'm really sorry Dad.
Danny: Well... I know next time you'll think things more carefully. Cause you're a lot better than I saw today. (he hugs her)
Stephanie: Daddy. Am I your favourite now?
Danny: Yes.
DJ: Hey!
Danny: No. No. No. No matter what happens I'll love all three of you girls exactly the same.
Stephanie: Oh. Alright. (they all hug each other)
Danny: I wish Michelle was here. I like her the best.
DJ and Stephanie: Hey!
Danny smiles he kisses both of them.

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Kim Weiskopf & Michael S. Baser

Guest Cast:
Stacy Q: Herself

Script edited by: J. Kruise
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 04/03/2007