Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 020 * The Seven Month Itch (1)

No Teaser

Jesse: Samantha, I promise, this will be the most romantic night of your life.
His foot gets stuck in a toy
Jesse: We'll have a little Chateau Brion, a little Dom Perion, yes and for dessert, and empty house. Hehe...No the family is going away to Disneyland.
Knocks stuffed toy into trash
Jesse: Two points. Well, they're leaving in 3 minutes so if you leave now, make all the lights you'll be here in 4 minutes, and 2 minutes after that, you and I will be in eachother's arms...gazing into eachother's eyes...doing a little thing, I like to call..
Stephanie rushes in
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!!
Jesse: The hokey pokey! Bye Aunt Irene! What is it kid!?
Stephanie: I'm going to Disneyland!
Jesse: Alright!
Steph keeps repeating Disneyland
Stephanie: C'mon everybody! We're gonna be late for Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland!
Jesse: Stephanie...Hold It!
Stephanie: Yeah?
Jesse: Wait a minute..wait a minute...alright, take a deep breath, now inhale, and exhale, very good...you okay?
Stephanie: I'm fine.
Jesse: Good.
Stephanie: Disneyland! Disneyland! Disneyland! Why aren't we at Disneyland??
Danny: Steph, Steph calm down.
Stephanie: Let's go, let's go let's go!!
Joey: I think you need to switch the kid to decaf.
Danny: Steph, the plane won't leave any earlier just because we're the first ones on it.
Stephanie: But if we're the first ones on, we'll be the first ones off, and the first ones in line for the Matterhorn!
Joey: Matterhorn? Danny we gotta go!
Stephanie: DJ, tell me again how it's gonna be?
DJ: Well, Disneyland has the greatest rides, and while you're standing in line Mickey and Minnie Mouse come up and play with you.
Stephanie: No! What are we yakkin about? We could be there c'mon lets go!
Danny: Joey open the door before she goes through it.
Jesse: Stephanie's right! Tinkerbell's a-waiting! C'mon everyone let's skidadel!
Stephanie: Yeah let's skidadel!
Jesse: Here we go...we're leaving!
Danny: Jesse, you sure you don't want to come along with us?
Jesse: Oh are you kidding? No no no...who's gonna pick up the mail? Who's gonna pick up the newspaper? Who will feed the dog?
Joey: Uh Jess...we don't have a dog.
Jesse: Well just because he's not our dog doesn't mean we shouldn't feed him.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, I really wish you were coming along...but if we don't leave soon...I'm gonna go bannanas!
Jesse: She's right! Any minute! Bam! Bannanas! Let's go everyone! Hi-ho...hi ho...la la la la la la...la la la la la la la la la la They're going to Disneyland!! Yeah...
Samantha and Jesse walk in
Jesse: You know it's amazing! You've been playing tennis all your life, I just started today and I beat you three straight sets, that's wild!
Samantha grins
Jesse: What are you smiling about?
Samantha: Nothing...I'm just smiling.
Jesse: You're not just smiling! That's a you let me win smile isn't it?
Samantha: Well...
Jesse: Tell me you didn't let me win!
Samantha: I didn't let you win.
Jesse: Aw...she let me win...
Samantha: You tough guys are so cute!
Jesse: You tough guys are so cute!
They kiss
Jesse: Aw man, this is great..listen. Nothing. Sammy, do you realize that you and I have been going out a month, and this is the first time we've been alone together?
Samantha: I know, with me living at my folks' house.
Jesse: Yeah me living at peewee's playhouse....well tonight, you and I will play house. You know what? We're gonna celebrate. We're gonna celebrate...I'm going to make you the most romantic candlelight dinner you've ever had in your whole life.
Samantha: Ooh..that sounds perfect.
Jesse: So, what'll it be? Extra crispy or original recipe?
Samantha: That's cute. I'm gonna go take a shower, and I'll be thinking about you.
Jesse: Have mercy!
Samantha: And if you hear me laughing, it's cause I'm thinking of your backhand!
Jesse: Look out!

Jesse preparing dinner
Jesse: I'm just a looney love machine..and I won't work for nobody but you...ohh babe. Just a love machine....and I won't work for nobody but you..
He puts the plates next to eachother
Jesse: I'm just a love machine...
He puts them on top of eachother
Jesse: Too obvious!

Jesse's walking upstairs with champagne
Jesse: I'm just that wacky love machine..
He knocks on the bathroom door
Jesse: Sammy, I brought you some champagne.
Samantha reaches her arm out as Jesse pulls the glass farther away
Samantha: Jesse!
Jesse: Can't blame me for trying.
He kisses her hand, as he gives her the glass
Samantha: Thank you.
Jesse: If you would excuse me I'm going to slip into my evening attire now. Heheheh...

Living room, Danny, DJ, Joey, Steph, and Michelle all come in
Danny: Okay...let's go. C'mon Steph.
DJ: Missing Disneyland isn't the end of the world.
Joey: Yeah, you know airplanes can't fly when it's foggy.
Stephanie: I hate fog. Birds can fly in fog. We should've taken a bird!
Danny: Steph, I promise...we'll go to Disneyland another time.
DJ: Yeah, it's Michelle's first time too. Look how good she's taking it?
Stephanie: What does she know? She puts her food up her nose.
Danny: Steph, I'll tell ya what. I've got a great idea. We're going to make tonight, Family Fun Night right here at our home.
Joey: Hey, what could be more fun than that?
Stephanie: I'll tell you what....something that starts with a D and ends with a land.
Stephanie runs upstiars, DJ follows her
Danny: These dissapointments are really tough on a 6 year old.
Joey: I still can't beleive we missed Captain Eeo.

in the kitchen, Jesse comes down in a suit
Jesse: I'm just a "L M" and I won't work for nobody but you..oh baby
He lights two candles...he breaks one so they're the same height.

DJ: Steph, what do you want to do tonight?
Stephanie: Mope.
Joey: I'll drop off the kid.
Danny: I'll let Jesse know we're back.
He knocks on the bathroom door, and opens it
Danny: Jesse, we got fogged in we're back!
Samantha: What'd ya say, Jess?
Danny comes back in and sees a silk gown hanging from the shower
Danny: Hey Jess, you wear these clothes everytime we leave the house?
Samantha looks out
Danny: Have Mercy!
Samantha: You're not Jesse.
Danny: Neither are you.
Samantha: I'm Samantha.
Danny: I'm me. Danny...that's uh...short for Daniel....it's long for Dan.
Samantha: Look, maybe I should just get dressed and-
Danny: Oh no no no..not in there, your clothes would get wet. Excuse me.
He leaves, but he misses the door
Danny: The door used to be over there....I'm really sorry. Imagine my surprise. Imagine you came in and saw me in the shower! Then you'd really be sorry trust me....Oh there's uh shampoo and conditioner...uh in there, and there's some Woolite on the shelf, in case you want to uh...soak a fine washable. Thank you.
He leaves
Danny: Jesse!

Kitchen, Jesse hears Danny shouting his name
Jesse: Oh no it couldn't be! Could it?
Jesse goes upstairs. Joey, DJ and Stephanie enter
DJ: Wow! Look at all the food!
Joey: Yum! Steph this is great! Let's take a trip to Dinnerland!
He makes train noises
Joey: Ooh it's Dinnerland! There's lots of fun here!
Making the rolls talk
Joey: Oh I love it here in Dinnerland! Ooh shrimp!
He makes a burp noise
Jesse comes downstairs and sees Joey, DJ and Steph
Jesse: I'm just a love ma-...ehe!
Joey: Hey Jess, how's it going?
Jesse: Let go of my shrimp put down my shrimp! Why aren't you guys at Disneyland?
Stephanie: Fog, fog fog...I hate fog!
Danny: Jesse, I just met your friend upstairs. She's very...clean!
Joey: I sure hope we didn't ruin your weekend, Jess.
Jesse: Oh, no..why would you think that? Just because I've been waiting a month to be with Sam.
Stephanie: I've waited 5 1/2 years to go to Disneyland. I hate fog.
She puts her head down on the table
Jesse: I really hate fog.
He puts his head on the table

Living room
Danny: Okay are we ready for Family Fun Night?
Everyone cheers
Jesse: Hot dog.
Stephanie: Hot dog.
Danny: I know, let's sing your favorite one from school! I got it all planned, Jess, you play the guitar, DJ you play the tambourine. Jesse, do you know "If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands?"
Jesse: Oh yeah that was on Motley Crue's first Christmas album right?
Danny: On 3 everybody 1, 2 , 3!
All: If you're happy and you know it clap your hands...if you're happy and you know it clap your hands.
Danny: Take it Steph!
Stephanie: (without emotion) If you're happy and you know it then your smile would surely show it.
All: If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.
Jesse: Yayy...wasn't that festive?
Danny: Next verse! On 3! 1, 2 ,3!
All: If you're happy and you know it stomp your feet! If you're happy and you know it stomp your feet! Take it Joe!
Immitating Popeye
Joey: If you're happy and you know it then your smile would surely show it if you're happy and you know it, hey stomp your feet would ya? A ca ca ca.
Samantha: Do you guys have this much fun everynight?
Jesse: Yes...hard to believe isn't it?
Danny: Steph, aren't we having a good time?
Stephanie: It's no country bear jamborie.
Danny: Honey, if you don't think about....you know where...it'll be a lot easier. I know! We'll sing row row row your boat, as a round! It'll be great!
DJ: Dad that's dopey!
Stephanie: Dopey! Don't say that!
Danny: Honey, look...it's been a long day..I know, you're tired, you're worn out, you're grumpy.
Stephanie: Grumpy!
Danny: Sorry, what I meant was you're probably very Sleep--exhausted.
Stephanie: You were gonna say Sleepy. Thanks for trying, but family fun night's just not any fun.
Steph goes upstairs
Joey: Guess that kind of puts a damper on simon says.
DJ: I'll go talk to her.
DJ leaves
Joey: Here, take your kid.
Danny: Thanks.
Jesse clears his throat. Joey puts his arm around Danny. Jesse points towards the exit
Danny: Why don't we go in the kitchen so that uh...
Joey: So that uh...Jesse doesn't have to make that face.
Danny: Yeah.
They leave
Jesse: Can you believe it sport, we're finally alone.
Samantha: You know you're family's teriffic! I had a great time tonight.
Jesse: Yeah, but we could've had a really great time tonight!
Samantha: Well..let's do it tomorrow night. I know this teriffic bed and breakfast place in the Nappa Valley.
Jesse: Oh that sounds so.....so frustrating! I promised I'd baby sit the munchkin tomorrow.
Samantha: Well another time. Hey they've gotta get that little girl to Disneyland someday!
Jesse: I'm gonna miss you tonight.
They kiss, Michelle walks out
Jesse: What are you doing here? Here, here's five bucks, go catch a movie.
Michelle takes the money and leaves

DJ and Steph's room. DJ walks in
DJ: Steph, how you doing?
Stephanie: I've been better.
DJ: I know how you feel.
Stephanie: No you don't. You've been to Disneyland.
DJ: Yeah but I know what it's like not to get what you want. Remember when I was supposed to do that oat boat cereal commercial? And you got it instead.
Stephanie: Uh huh.
DJ: Well what did I do? Did I mope?
Stephanie: No you chased me around the kitchen and tried to kill me.
DJ: Okay, bad example. Well...there's only one sure way to make you smile. The tickle monster!!
She starts tickling Stephanie
Stephanie: It's not working...Ahaha!
DJ: Then howcome you're laughing?
Stephanie: I'm not this is sad laughing!
Danny walks in
Danny: Steph, I'm so glad to see you happy.
Stephanie: That didn't count, tickle monster made me laugh.
Danny: Stephanie, you have every reason to be sad, and I completely understand.
Stephanie: Thank you!
Danny: Look Steph, I want you to really think about this. You're not always gonna get your own way. And while you're spending all this time being sad about missing out on one thing, you're missing out on a lot of other fun things! Like our family sing along.
Stephanie: That wasn't so much fun.
Danny: It wasn't fun for you, because you didn't want it to be fun. I had fun, and DJ had fun, right Deej?
DJ: Ahh it was okay.
Danny looks at her
DJ: Fun! Big fun!
Danny: So it's up to you. Either you can feel sorry for yourself, or you can feel bad for a little while, and then shake it off and move on to the next fun thing. But I think I know what you're gonna do. Because you like to smile too much, right?
Stephanie: I guess so.
DJ: Hey Steph, I know something fun we can do right now.
Stephanie: What?
DJ: Well it has to do with Dad, and a certain monster...
Danny: Uh oh..
Stephanie: Uh oh is right! Here comes the tickle monster!
Danny: If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!
He starts singing as they tickle him..Jesse shuts the door, moves to his room and can still hear the singing. He throws his guitar on his bed. Joey enters
Joey: Hey Jess, what's going on?
Jesse: I don't know..Joey everytime I come into this room it seems like there's more pink bunnies on the wall.
Joey: Well you know how rabbits are.
Jesse: Joey, sit down.
Joey: Sure.
Jesse: Joseph, can I talk to you man to..well man to you.
Joey: Sure buddy. Hey you look a little down. Look I'm sorry if we wrecked your night with Samantha.
Jesse: It's not just Samantha, Joey. Joseph be honest with me. Doesn't living here get to you sometimes?
Joey: No.
Jesse: Never?
Joey: Never I love it.
Jesse: You mean to tell me you love changing diapers, making school lunches, chasing the girls all around town, changing diapers, helping them with their homework picking up their toys, did I mention changing diapers?
Joey: Some of those tasks are more rewarding than others.
Jesse: Alright, why. Why Joey? Why are you happy here?
Joey: Well Jess, I think it's because when I was growing up I didn't have brothers and sisters and I like being part of a big family. I like having people to care about, and that includes you.
Jesse: Thank you.
Joey: And besides this is the only place I've ever lived that always have ice cream in the freezer.
He offers some to Jesse
Jesse: Pass. Joey, don't you ever ask yourself.."what am I doing?" I mean, I used to be this free willing, living on the edge, no strings kinda guy, and now it seems like I'm married or something. I mean I have all the responsibilities and hassles of 3 kids, yet I can't even deduct them from my taxes!
Joey: Well techinically you could if you married Danny.
Jesse: Joey do you realize every night I sleep here I sleep alone?
Joey: Wanna get bunk beds?!
Jesse: No...no I don't--Joey I'm pouring my heart out here to you and you're making jokes!
Joey: I'm sorry..alright talk to me.
Jesse: I don't know, I guess it's just this whole situation it's just getting to me. I mean I have zero privacy. I try to write my music and I have all these distractions. Joey, I write music, I write it out of my own life experiences. My last 3 songs have been about changing diapers, the measles, and tub toys.
Joey: I thought that tub toys song was very danceable.
Jesse: I just feel like I have things to accomplish in my life you know? I mean there's things that I wanna do, and things that I wanna experience....I don't know, but maybe, maybe living here is holding me back. I don't know what the hell's happened to my life pal but I gotta regain control of it.
Joey: Hey Jess, look on the bright side. If you hadn't moved in here we'd never be as close as we are!
Jesse: I know.
Joey: Hey, sleep on it.
Jesse: Hey, thank you my friend.
Joey winks, then leaves

Jesse's room, he's having a bad dream
Knock on his door
Samantha: Jesse..
Jesse: Samantha?
Samantha: Jesse?
Jesse: Sammy what are you doing here?
Samantha: I just wanted to see you.
Jesse: Yeah, you shouldn't be here, everybody's home.
DJ comes in
DJ: Uncle Jesse, will you help me with my homework?
Jesse: DJ! It's the middle of the night!
DJ: But the closer I study to my test, the less I forget.
Stephanie enters
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, will you give me a piggy back ride?
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't want to give you a piggy back ride.
Stephanie: Yes he does.
Jesse: No he doesn't.
Stephanie: Yes he does!
Jesse: No he doesn't!
Pretending to cry
Stephanie: Yes he does!
Michelle enters
Michelle: Uncle Jesse! Change my diaper!
Jesse: You can't talk!
Michelle: And you're not allowed to have girls here!
Jesse: Girls you gotta go, c'mon everybody off to bed let's go. C'mon.
Danny and Joey come in
Jesse: Oh, good guys..okay great. Take over for me.
Joey: It's your turn.
Danny: You're their Uncle.
Samantha: We could be so happy.
Jesse: Everybody out...everybody go c'mon let's go. Go go go go...hold it! You. You can stay.
DJ and Stephanie appear
DJ and Stephanie: Uncle Jesse...
DJ: Help me with my homework!
Stephanie: I want a piggy back ride!
Joey and Danny appear
Joey: Jesse...It's your turn!
Danny: You're their Uncle!
Samantha: We could be so happy.
Jesse tries to grab Samantha, but she disappears.
Michelle enters
Michelle: Change me! Feed me!
Another Michelle comes in
Michelle: Change me! Feed me! Feed me! Change me feed me!
Michelle: Change me feed me!
Jesse: Oh my god, there's two Michelle's....they're multiplying!
Everyone is talking
Jesse: No!
Stephanie: I want a piggy back ride!
DJ: Help me with my homework!
Joey: It's your turn!
Danny: You're they're Uncle!
Samantha: We could be so happy.
Michelle: Change me feed me!

Jesse wakes up
Jesse: No!! Oh..I can't take it anymore. I gotta get out of this house!

Danny: Jess wake up! Rise and shine.
Joey: C'mon let's go get up!
They enter his room and find a note, Danny reads it
Danny: Guys, I didn't want to wake anybody up so I left this note. I need to get away for a while. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know when I'll be back, or even if I will be back. I don't think it's working out for me here. I'll call soon. Tell the girls I love them. Jesse.
Joey: Jesse ran away from home?
Stephanie and DJ enter
Stephanie: I'm hungry!
DJ: Where's Uncle Jesse?

***To be continued***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Lee Shallat
Written by: Jeff Franklin

Guest Cast:
Samantha: Chelsea Noble

Script edited by: Amanda
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 11/06/2005