Full House Scripts - Season 1

Episode 022 * Mad Money

No Teaser

In the living room
Danny: We're ready whenever you are, Steph. Practice your show-and-tell.
Stephanie: Hi, boys and girls. My name is Stephanie Tanner. For show-and-tell today, I brought something cuddly, cute and adorable. May I present my little baby sister, Michelle Tanner. Michelle is a baby. Her hobbies are drooling and babbling. Under here is her diaper, which I'm not allowed to change. But I've seen people do it and it's gross. Any questions? Yes, little girl?
DJ: Does Michelle have a big sister who's really cool?
Stephanie: Yes, she does. Me.
Danny: That was wonderful. Steph, if I had a gold star, I would stick it right to your forehead. Jesse.
Jesse: Hi, guys. Bye, guys.
Danny: Wait a minute. Jess, for the past five days, you've been sneaking in and out of this house carrying that blue bag, with not one word of explanation.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, it's driving me crazy. Just answer one question. Where do you go with that blue bag?
Jesse: Out.
Stephanie: Out where?
Jesse: Outside. And that's two questions. Goodbye.
Joey: Hello. I love everyone. I love you and you and you and you and you.
Jesse: "I love you and you and you." What's the matter with you?
Joey: Nothing. I got a call from my mom this morning. She found an old savings bond of mine in her safe deposit box. And I now have 5000 Founding Fathers. Yes!
Jesse & DJ: All right!
Danny: Great!
Joey: Yeah! Presents for everybody. Danny, get Michelle.
Danny: All right.
Joey: Okay, you're first, my little toddlerette. Here you go! A little baby lawn mower. Oh, mow yourself silly. Now, if you're real good, next year you get the little baby weed whacker. Okay, DJ, you're next. I'm afraid all I have for you is just two brightly colored pieces of paper.
DJ: Thanks. Oh, thanks! This is so rad! Springsteen tickets! Yeah--
Jesse: Hey, good seats. Need a date?
DJ: Maybe. What's in your bag?
Jesse: Nice try.
Stephanie: Me next! Me next!
Joey: Well, I'm sorry, Stephanie but all I have for you is a brand-new bicycle!
Danny: Joey, you really shouldn't have.
Stephanie: Yes, he should. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Danny: Wait a minute, Steph. No riding in the house. Hold on. Steph!

In the kitchen
Joey: Come on, we'll try it out in the back yard.
Stephanie: I can't stop, open the door.
Joey: Okay, guys, don't go away. You got presents coming too.
Jesse: All right! Thank you. I'm through with that. Thanks. Man, I hope Joey gets me a new motorcycle. That would be cool.
Danny: I already know what Joey's getting me.
Jesse: What's that?
Danny: Eight hundred dollars in cash.
Jesse: Whoa, nice chunk of change. Why?
Danny: Well, 11 years ago, I loaned Joey $800 to fix his car. But he hasn't had the money to pay me back until now.
Jesse: Better get it fast.
Danny: I don't want Joey's money. The fact that he's finally paying me back is such a beautiful and touching gesture. That's why I'm gonna give the $800 right back to him.
Jesse: That's the most generous, stupid thing I've heard in my life.

In the living room
DJ: I don't care what's in the bag. No! I shouldn't do it, should I, Michelle? What if...? Look, Michelle. I've got a cookie. Yeah, you want the cookie? They're yummy. Want some cookie? Yeah. Come get the yummy cookie. The cookie accidentally jumped into the bag. Go find it! Unzip the bag, Michelle. Let's see what's in there. Never mind the cookie. Get the zipper open. Let's see what Uncle Jesse's hiding in there. You found it!
Jesse: May I help you?
DJ: She did it.
Jesse: Shame on you, Michelle. You don't wanna grow up and be a nosy busybody, do you? Your punishment is to give me one kiss. Come on, one kiss.
DJ: Thanks for trying, Michelle.
Joey: Guys ready for your presents?
Jesse: Yeah.
Danny: Oh, yeah. I've been ready for 11 years.
Joey: Here you go. Jess and Danny.
Jesse: Thank you. All right! A pass to the Great American Amusement Park.
Joey: A lifetime pass. All right, Danny, open yours.
Danny: Actually, I already kind of have a hunch what you got me. A lifetime pass to the Great American Amusement Park?
Jesse: Hey, we can double. See you, guys.
Joey: See you. Danny, wait till you see the pinball machine I bought.
Danny: You bought a pinball machine?
Joey: A genuine 1964 Gumby and Pokey pinball machine. And the beauty part about it, I picked it up for a mere $1275.
Danny: Joey, this is why you're always broke. Every time you have a nickel, you blow it.
Joey: Hey, come on, lighten up.
Danny: Joey, wait a minute. Have you ever considered doing something with your money besides just throwing it away?
Joey: Like what?
Danny: Like putting it in a savings account. Or buying a T-bill, paying off your old debts, investing....
Joey: Wait. Hold on. Back up. You said old debts. Danny, I don't have any old debts. Be serious. Who'd be stupid enough to lend me money?
Danny: Me.
Joey: Oh, yeah. That's a good one. When did I ever borrow money from you?
Danny: Palm Springs. March 12, 1977. Your car blows up again. As usual, you're broke, so I loan you my last $800.
Joey: Oh, my God. Danny, I completely forgot. Why did you wait 11 years to say something?
Danny: I was gonna give you two more years.
Joey: Danny, look. Here, just take the money back, with interest. Take the whole ball.
Danny: I don't want it. All I wanted was for you to offer.
Joey: Oh, sure. That's why you brought up paying off debts. Here.
Danny: Joey, I want you to invest it.
Joey: I am. I'm investing it in getting you off my back.
Danny: Off your back?
Joey: Yes.
Danny: I don't want it.
Joey: I don't want it either.

In Jesse's bedroom
Jesse: Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You're a beautiful audience.
DJ: Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Hold your horses, mama. I mean, hold on.
Stephanie: I've got something to tell you.
Jesse: Hold on, please. Please, hold on. Come in.
Stephanie: Wanna come see me do my show-and-tell?
Jesse: Girls, I'm very busy. May I help you?
Danny: Jesse, can I talk to you about--? Jesse?
Jesse: Yes?
Danny: What's under your robe?
Jesse: Daniel, you're entitled to know a lot of things about my life but what a man has under his robe is his own business. Don't be cruel.
Danny: You're right. What a man has under his robe is none of my business.
DJ: This is so cool. I should have looked in that bag sooner.
Jesse: All right. Sit down. I'm doing this tribute to the King. The show is called "Rock & Roll Heaven." I'm trying to save up money. I got some new songs. I wanna make demos. It's only for a week. I'm doing it tonight and that's it.
Stephanie: Why didn't you tell us?
Jesse: I like to think of myself as having my own musical identity, you know? I don't know. I just feel--I'm up there, I'm shaking, I'm wiggling.
Danny: I gotta see this show.
DJ: Me too.
Stephanie: Let's go!
Jesse: No, it's not a good idea, you guys coming down there.
Danny: Jesse, we just wanna go there to cheer you on. Don't worry, I promise nobody's gonna make fun of you.
Joey: Hey, Danny....

In the King
Danny: Don't forget, we're not gonna fight in front of the girls.
Joey: I'm sure if I forget, you'll remind me 11 years later.
DJ: Check it out, a Madonna look-alike.
Danny: No, honey, that's Marilyn Monroe.
DJ: Really? Boy, did she rip off Madonna.
Announcer: Thanks, Marilyn. Great stuff. And now "Rock & Roll Heaven" presents the king of rock 'n' roll!
Jesse: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. You're beautiful. I'd like to start off with one of my biggest records. It's about this big. Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. All right, hit it, fellas.

In the living room
Joey: Jesse was great, wasn't he?
Danny: Girls, wasn't your Uncle Jesse great?
DJ: Thank you, thank you very much. You're a beautiful audience.
Danny: Okay, it's time for all junior Elvi to say good night.
DJ: Thank you. You're a beautiful audience. Thank you very much. Elvis has left the living room.
Joey: Aren't they cute?
Danny: They're adorable.
Joey: Adorably cute. Take your money.
Danny: Will you stop it, Joey?
Joey: Take the money.
Danny: Knock it off.
Joey: I can't believe you won't take it.
Jesse: Hello, boys.
Marilyn: Hi.
Danny & Joey: Hello.
Jesse: Guys, I'd like you to meet....I'm sorry, I didn't catch your real name.
Marilyn: Marilyn.
Jesse: There's a coincidence for you. Marilyn, this is Larry, Moe, and the little one's Curly. Get this, the show offered me the Elvis job for as long as I want, or until I dislocate my hips.
Joey: Hey, congratulations.
Danny: Great.
Marilyn: Congratulations.
Jesse: Thank you. Thanks. I don't know what I'm gonna do though, guys. I mean, tell me something, Marilyn. Doesn't it get to you, pretending to be Marilyn Monroe?
Marilyn: Pretending? I am Marilyn Monroe, silly.
Jesse: Yeah.
Danny: Fine.
Joey: Sure.
Danny: If you'll excuse us, Miss Monroe, we have to put the baby to bed.
Joey: By the way, I loved your work in Some tike it Hot.
Marilyn: I'm terribly sorry, but I've got to go now.
Jesse: Thank you for stopping by, Marilyn.
Marilyn: Hey. Are you going to call me?
Jesse: Yes, Marilyn.
Marilyn: Okay. It's in the book...under M-O-N-R-O-E.
Jesse: That's M-R-N-O-E-O-E?

In the kitchen
Joey: Will you stop bothering me? I am trying to make a sandwich. I need a knife. Knife. Knife.
Danny: Joey, allow me to demonstrate how a mature adult constructs a sandwich.
Joey: Okay. Go for it, Mr. Adult.
Danny: First, my friend, we start with a clean knife. We take two slices of bread. On the left slice, mayonnaise. On the right slice, mustard.
Joey: I'll bet you'll get another knife.
Danny: Have to. Another clean knife. And then the mustard, we paint it on. Now it's time for the ham and cheese. And we alternate ham, cheese, ham, cheese. So that in every bite, we have an equal amount of ham and cheese.
Joey: You don't need therapy, do you?
Danny: Is that supposed to be funny?
Joey: I knew you'd say that.
Danny: "I knew you'd say that"? What is that supposed to mean?
Joey: It means that you are the most predictable person on the face of this earth. I know everything you're gonna say even before you say it.
Danny & Joey: Oh, do you?
Joey: See? You are so paint-by-the-numbers that even if the slightest little thing falls out of place, you can't handle it.
Danny & Joey: That's not true.
Joey: Well, let's just see how true it is. Look at that crumb. It's driving you nuts, isn't it?
Danny: Doesn't bother me.
Joey: Oh, no, doesn't bother you. But what if...? There's two crumbs! They're getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Don't touch them. They're alive! This place is a pigsty.
Danny: Oh, sure. Sure, make jokes. Because everything is a joke to you, Mr. Comedian.
Joey: That's right. You only go around once. You might as well get all the smiles in you can.
Danny: Smiles are great, but you are almost 30 years old, and you still watch cartoons. It's like living with Pee-wee Herman.
Joey: Well, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

In Joey's bedroom
Danny: Joey. Take this. You are such a baby.
Joey: I know you are, but what am I?
Danny: Okay. Let's settle this like we used to in the old days.
Danny & Joey: Arm wrestling.
Joey: See? I know everything you're gonna say.
Danny: Fine. Whoever loses has to keep the $800.
Joey: Sounds fair to me.
Joey: Okay. One, two, three.
Danny: One, two, three.
Joey: I can't remember the last time we did this.
Danny: June 22, 1979.
Joey: Why do you remember all this stuff?
Danny: I don't want the money back. Stop it, I've had it with you. I don't want it.
Jesse: Guys, hold it! There's something a little more important than what you're arguing about. Me. Fellas, I'm confused. I don't know whether or not to take this Elvis gig or not. I think I should probably concentrate on my own music, don't you?
Danny: I think you should take the job. You need the money for your demo tape.
Joey: Jess, the only reason you should listen to him is if you lost a mitten when you were 4. As for the job, hey, I saw you out there tonight. You were singing songs that you love, just having a blast. That's why you should do it, for fun.
Danny: He needs the money.
Joey: For fun.
Danny: For money.
Jesse: For fun and money. Thank you, guys. That's good advice. I think I'm gonna take the job. Thanks.
Danny & Joey: You're welcome. Don't say you're welcome.
Jesse: I don't know what I'd do without you guys. But I'm gonna look into it.
Danny: You know, that was good advice you gave Jesse.
Joey: Thanks, I thought yours was great too.
Danny: I think we really helped him.
Joey: Yeah, it's because we make a great team.
Danny: I guess that's why we've stayed friends for 19 years...four months, and three days. Because maybe I'm a little square.
Joey: And I'm a little goofy.
Danny: Know what? Between the two of us, we make one hell of a guy.
Joey: That makes sense. We've always been there for each other. You were there when I needed that $800.
Danny: And you were there when I needed somebody to help take care of my kids. I can never repay you for that.
Joey: You never need to. Danny, look, a debt is a debt. I just wanna clear ours up, so here. Please take the money
Danny: Okay. Thank you. But I'm buying you a savings bond and a closet organizer.
Joey: No, you're not.
Danny: It's my money now. Make your bed.
Joey: No.

*** End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Jeff Franklin
Written by: Rob Edwards

Guest Cast:
Marilyn: Arlene Lorre
Announcer: Robert Perlow

Script edited by: Sarath Joseph
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 15/02/2012