Full House Scripts - Season 2

Episode 023 * Cutting It Close


In the living room...
Joey: Trust me, Michelle. You are ready. Okay. Come on down, you guys! Everybody, come on out in the living room! Hurry up! We gotta do this right now. Hurry up! Come on! We gotta do this right now.
Danny: Okay, what?
Joey: Michelle is ready for another try. Freeze.
Stephanie: She's just gonna do it to us again.
Joey: No, she won't. I've been working with her all day. Believe me, the kid is psyched.
Jesse: Let's give the little ankle biter one more try. Come on, everybody.
Danny: Here we go. Come on, Michelle.
Everybody: (singing)Ring around the rosey A pocket full of posey Ashes, ashes We all tall down.
They all drop down on the ground. Michelle doesn't and sticks out her tongue.
Stephanie: She did it again.
DJ: The kid's got a real mean streak.

In Jesse's bedroom, Jesse is moving through his room, with his guitar in his hand. Stephanie walks in and unplugs the guitar.
Jesse: First rule of rock 'n' roll : Never cut a guy's power off when he's duck-walking.
Stephanie: I'm sorry. But it's time for your appointment.
Jesse: And what appointment would this be?
Stephanie: Your haircut appointment with Mr. Stephanie. Come on, Uncle Jesse. Let's play beauty parlor.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't wanna play beauty parlor.
Stephanie: Yes, he does.
Jesse: No, he doesn't.
Stephanie: Yes, he does.
Jesse: No, he doesn't.
Stephanie: Yes, he does.
Jesse: Stephanie. Now, listen, you're 6 years old, you're in first grade, this phony crying routine and this lip motif is not gonna work anymore.
Stephanie: It's not?
Jesse: No.
Stephanie: I knew this would happen someday. Okay, forget beauty parlor.
Stephanie sits down against the door and starts sobbing.
Jesse: How do you play beauty parlor?
Stephanie: Come to my salon!
Jesse: Why am I such a sucker?
Stephanie: Because you love me.
Jesse: I knew I had a good reason.

In DJ & Stephanie's bedroom...
Joey: Hey, she's not finished yet.
Stephanie: Joey is going to look fabulous.
Jesse: Good God.
Stephanie: Thank goodness you came to me when you did. If you don't look good, I don't look good.
Jesse: Joseph, I have two words for you: pearl earrings.
Stephanie: Those would look nice. Next!
Joey: Next.
Jesse: Thank you, Josephina.
Stephanie: Toes up or you'll drip!
Joey: Okay, toes up or I'll drip. Okay, I got it. You're gonna need a weed whacker for that bush.
Stephanie: No, I won't.
Jesse: Those are real scissors.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jesse: Well, isn't this a pretend haircut?
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jesse: Then where are the pretend scissors?
Stephanie: Mr. Stephanie does have other appointments.
Jesse: All right, all right. Just be very, very careful, Mr. Stephanie because as we all know, no one really cuts my hair except for Alejandro.
Stephanie: So have you heard who Miss Piggy's been dating lately?
Joey: Would you mind watching the girls tonight? I wanna try my new Roger Rabbit impression at Laugh Machine.
Jesse: Joey, it's Saturday night.
Joey: Oh, come on, Jess. Please. Pretty please. Be a sport. Be a pal. Be a chum. I'll give you a big, wet kiss.
Stephanie laughs about Joey's joke and accidentally cuts of some of Jesse's hair.
Stephanie: Oops.
Jesse: What "oops" ? What does "oops"mean?
Danny: Hey, breakfast is ready. We're having pan--Cuts.
DJ: I can't believe you did that.
Jesse: What did you do?
Stephanie: Well....Have mercy.
Danny: Jesse.
DJ: I can't believe you did that.

In the bathroom
Jesse: She cut my hair. I've been butchered.
Danny: Jesse, take it easy. It'll grow back. It's just hair.
Jesse: No. Your hair is just hair. My hair...is in her hand.
DJ: I can't believe you did that.
Jesse: Here, give me my hair back. Maybe Alejandro can sow it back on.
Danny: Jesse, would you like me to pack it in some ice?
Joey: Maybe we can get Erik Estrada to be a hair donor. Erik Estrada.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: So am I.
DJ: I can't believe you did that.
Stephanie: I can't believe you're still saying that.
Danny: Stephanie.
DJ: I believe she did that.

In DJ & Stephanie's room...
Danny: Steph, what are you doing?
Stephanie: Punishing myself. I'm sorry, toys. I don't deserve to play with you anymore. Here, take Emily. Goodbye, fun.
Danny: Honey, you don't have to do this.
Stephanie: Yes, I do. I'm too dumb to have toys. And I don't deserve pillows or blankets or sheets too.
Danny: Steph, you don't wanna sleep on your mattress. You'll wake up with those little button marks all over your back. Look....You know, Uncle Jesse knows you didn't do it on purpose. So, honey, there's no reason for you to feel bad. Come on, let's go have breakfast.
Stephanie: I can't leave the room. I grounded myself until I'm 82.
Danny: You are not grounded. I am your father and I am ordering you to play with your toys. Here.
Stephanie: Daddy, please don't make me have fun.
Danny: I'm sorry, honey, but someday when you're a parent, you'll understand. Now, come on, have fun.
Stephanie: Hot dog.

In the living room…
Danny: Michelle, don't do that. Michelle, don't do that. Michelle, okay. Why don't we play a little game called. Let's Clean Up Our Mess. First, we're gonna put Mr. Magazine back on Mr. Coffee Table. Can you do that? Very good! And now we're gonna do what Daddy always does. We're gonna put them in order neatly. We're gonna put the biggest magazine on the bottom, that'd be the RoIIing Stone of course. And now comes the tricky part because People, Sports Illustrated and TIME, they're all the same size. So, what do we do? We alphabetize. Perfect. And then on the very top, sweetheart, goes the TV Guide. Go ahead, honey. Put the TV Guide on top. The child is gifted.
Joey: Oh, Danny, don't turn this sweet, little innocent girl into a compulsive, neurotic nut case like oh... well, you, for example. Okay, N-A-P. Let's go. Now, while you're sleeping, don't wrinkle your pajamas.
DJ: Dad, we finished the dishes. I stacked saucers on the salad plates, salad plates on the dinner plates and the glasses by color and size.
Danny: Good work, girls.
Stephanie: Daddy, I've tried really hard to have fun. Now can I please go back to being sad?
Danny: Steph, you're being much too hard on yourself. It was just a little chunk of Uncle Jesse's hair. Not even a chunk, it was a chunkette.
The front door opens and a nurse walks in, followed by Jesse, with his casts around his arms.
Rhonda: : Hi. Come on in, Jesse.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, what happened?
Danny: Jesse, what happened?
Joey: Tell us what's going on.
Jesse: I started to m--
DJ: Wait. Okay, what happened?
Jesse: I'll tell you exactly what happened. Thanks to Mr. Stephanie's pretend haircut, I was forced to get a real one. Which I hate. After that, I hopped on my Harley and raced out of the parking lot. Guess I was so upset, I failed to see that little tiny sign that says: "Severe tire damage." I wrecked my bike. Next thing I know, concrete sleeves.

A little later…
Jesse: Thanks for helping me, Rhonda.
Rhonda: : My pleasure. Here's my number. If you need a sponge bath, give me a call.
Joey: And if you need a sponge bath....Well, you look like a shower person.
Danny: Oh, Jess, does it hurt much?
Jesse: Only when I think about the next six weeks. What am I gonna do with two broken arms?
Joey: Well, I think you can scratch bowling off the list.
DJ: I think you can scratch scratching off the list.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse. It's all my fault.
Danny: Oh, Steph, it's not all your fault. Jesse, tell her it's not all her fault.
Jesse: It's not all your fault.
Danny: Not a big help.
DJ: Well, let's see your new haircut.
Jesse: No, I'd rather you remember me the way I was.
Joey: Come on, Jess, let's check it out.
Jesse: No, leave my hat on! Leave it on! Joey! Somebody say something.
DJ: Pretty cool. Definite possibilities.
Joey: Yeah, you went from Eddie Van Halen to Pee-wee Van Herman.
Stephanie: I think you look handsome.
DJ: Well, forget the hair. I'm just happy you're okay.
Jesse: Thanks, Deej.
Stephanie: I'm happy you're okay too. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Jesse: Stephanie, please. Be a little more careful. I'm starving. I'm gonna fix myself a bowl of cereal.
Danny: I'll get the door.
Jesse: I got it. Takes more than a couple of broken bones to slow down Big J.
The guys hear Michelle, who starts crying.
Danny: Baby alert.
Joey: Danny, wait. Was that a hungry cry or a wet cry?
Danny: That was a hungry cry.
Joey: In that case, I'll help you.
DJ: Come on, Steph, let's go help Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: Help him? I can't even hug him. (She leaves)
DJ: Steph!

In the kitchen, Jesse tries to get the cereal from the refrigerator.
DJ: Uncle Jesse, I'll help you.
Jesse: D.J., I'm perfectly capable of making a simple bowl of cereal. iJesse takes a broom and knocks the box with cereal on the ground. He takes a big fork and sticks it in the box, to lift it from the ground.
DJ: It's dead. I think you can eat it now.
Danny walks in with Michelle. He looks at Jesse.
DJ: He's fine. He's perfectly capable of making a simple bowl of cereal.
Danny: Let me give you a hand.
Jesse: Now, do I look like someone who needs a hand?
Jesse takes a bowl out of a cupboard with his mouth and manages to get it onto his head.
Danny: You look good in a hat. Jesse, don't make a mess. (He turns to Michelle) Let's get you into your highchair, Michelle. That's a girl. Keep Uncle Jesse company. I'm gonna change for work. Here you go. You might need this. (He hands Jesse a carton with milk).
Jesse: Thank you.
Danny: Michelle, keep an eye on your uncle Jesse for me.
Jesse: Okay, Michelle, watch your uncle J in action here. We simply pour in the milk. Perfect. Now, we add my favorite part the bananas, or, as you would call them, "nanners." And we simply shake. This is too easy. Now, we slice and peel...We slice and peel, but how? I got it. Observe this, Michelle Observe this. (He puts a banana on the table and the bowl below it. Then he takes a rolling pin and rolls over the banana, so the fruits are coming out of the peel and into the bowl) What are you laughing at? All right, now, grab a spoon....and I'm ready to enjoy a nice bowl of Oat Boats.(He grabs a long wooden spoon, but can hardly reach his mouth with it, so he tries to throw the cereal in, but he misses) If you liked that, Michelle, you'll love this.
Jesse sticks his head in the bowl and starts eating. Danny walks in and stares at Jesse.
Jesse: What's the matter, you never seen a grown man eat cereal before?
Danny: Not like a Great Dane. Jesse, face it. You got two broken arms. Let us help you.
Jesse: If it'll make you feel better, help, help.
Danny: All right. Michelle, I think your uncle needs this more than you do. (He takes Michelle's bib and puts it around Jesse's neck)

The song 'Help' starts playing and there's images of the family helping Jesse.

In DJ & Stephanie's bedroom, DJ is playing Jesse's guitar, while he's holding it.
Jesse: No, slower than that. Faster than that. Slower than that. D.J., this is music.
DJ: Stephanie, why don't you do this.
Stephanie: No way.
DJ: All you do is mope around. Come on, everybody's helping out but you.
Stephanie: I can't help.
Jesse: Come on, girls. All right, just forget it. It's stupid. I can't even play my music. I can't take care of myself. This is so humiliating. Just forget it, girls, all right.
DJ: Come with me.

In the kitchen, Danny is vacuuming, as Jesse, DJ and Stephanie walk in.
Jesse: Danny, open the back door!
Danny: Got it.
Jesse: Open the back door!
Danny: Got it.
Jesse: Now, slam it. Thank you.
DJ: Dad, Stephanie won't help Uncle Jesse.
Danny: Steph, is that true?
Stephanie: I don't wanna break him. I don't ever wanna hurt Uncle Jesse again.
DJ: Steph, you didn't do anything to hurt Uncle Jesse.
Stephanie: I only scalped him wrecked his motorcycle and broke his arms. No wonder he's so mad at me.
Danny: Deej, why don't you go take a break.
DJ: Really? I'm off duty? Yes! Yes! Yes! Why am I still here?
Danny: Steph, I can see where you might think that you're a little bit jinxed.
Stephanie: Jinxed? Daddy, I'm the kiss of death.

In the garden Jesse kicks his broken motorcycle.
Danny: Am I interrupting something?
Jesse: I don't wanna talk about it right now. I'd leave, but I can't reach the gate hook.
Danny: Jesse, there is nothing you can do about your arms. But there is something you can do about Stephanie.
Jesse: What are you talking about?
Danny: Steph is scared to death to go near you. She's afraid she's gonna hurt you again.
Jesse: Well, tell the little rug rat she's wacko.
Danny: I think you should tell the little rug rat she's wacko. In maybe a little nicer way.
Jesse: You're right. Send her out here.
Danny: Thanks.
Jesse: Hey, babe.
Stephanie: Hi.
Jesse: You can come a little closer.
Stephanie: I better not. I'm dangerous. That's why you hate me.
Jesse: Stephanie Judith Tanner, I do not hate you.
Stephanie: Then why are you yelling and being so grouchy and telling Daddy to slam doors?
Jesse: Well, because I'm frustrated. You know what?
Stephanie: What?
Jesse: I've been feeling sorry for myself. I've been acting like a baby. I didn't mean to blame you. I'm very sorry.
Stephanie: You mean you're really not mad at me?
Jesse: No, I'm not-- Stephanie, you made one little mistake. Everybody makes mistakes. Look, I'm an expert bike rider, right? I've never had one problem. I miss one little sign: Boom, I'm the mummy man. Same deal with you. How many pretend haircuts have you given?
Stephanie: Counting yours....Million.
Jesse: See, you're an expert too, but you made one little mistake. Stephanie, I promise, I'm gonna be as good as new. Okay?
Stephanie: Okay.
Jesse: All right, now, you get over here and you give me the world's biggest hug. Lay it on me, baby. What? Do I have the cooties or something? Come here, sit on my lap. (He sits down on a garden chair) Easy. Go ahead. There you go. All right, now, I'm gonna need your help.
Stephanie: What do you mean?
Jesse: Since I can't play my music, I was thinking on working on some lyrics. That is, if you could write them down for me.
Stephanie: I could do that. If you write about dog, cat, tree and Stephanie.
Jesse: Can you spell baby?
Stephanie: B-A-B-Y.
Jesse: Good, then we have a hit. You know what the best part is about you helping me?
Stephanie: What?
Jesse: I get to spend more time with my little buddy.
Stephanie: I'm so glad you broke your arms.
Stephanie hugs Jesse.
Jesse: Hey.
Stephanie: Hey, what?
Jesse: You're hugging me, and I'm not even hurting.
Stephanie: You're right. The curse is broken!
Jesse & Stephanie: Have mercy!

In Michelle's bedroom, Michelle is brushing Jesse's hair.
Jesse: Michelle. Thank you. Thank you. All right. So, what do you think of my new haircut? Better than Garry Shandling's?
Michelle: No.
Jesse: All right, how about Don King's?
Michelle: No.
Jesse: Thanks, I feel a lot better. Michelle, I've had a lot of time to think. Because let's face it, there's not much else I can do. You know how I'm always saying that things happen for a reason? Well, maybe the reason all this is happening to me is because it's time to make some changes in my life. You know about changes, don't you, Michelle? You realize that ever since I've been 16 years old I've had the exact same haircut? I've ridden the same Harley, I've dressed the same...I've listened to the same music. Had the same boring job, killing bugs. You know, for a guy who likes to live his life on the edge, I've been living on the edge of a rut. No. You know something, Michelle? Starting right now, I'm gonna start shaking my life up a little bit. Oh, what? You think I'm afraid to change? Oh, sh, oh, I get it. You think I'm caught up in this whole rebel thing and I refuse to grow up. From now on, I'm gonna be a lot more open to change. I'm gonna start acting like a mature adult. Joey! I need you!
Joey: Again?
Jesse: Well, I had four glasses of ice tea.
Joey: Okay, go on.
Jesse and Joey leave the room. Michelle waves them goodbye.


Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Jeff Franklin

Guest Cast:
Rhonda: : Charlie Spradling

Script edited by: Martin van Dam
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 30/08/2012