Full House Scripts - Season 2

Episode 031 * Our Very First Christmas Show


In the living room
Jesse: Here we go. Let's go, Danny.
Danny: (setting the camera) Okay, this is for our Christmas card . Everybody look merry, peaceful and joyous. (He joins the others in front of the christmas tree)
Jesse: Okay, come on. This is it.
Danny: Here we go. Everyone say "Christmas cheese."
All: Christmas cheese.
The phone rings.
Stephanie: I'll get it.
Stephanie and DJ walk to the phone.
Jesse: No, no, no!
Jesse grabs Stephanie.
Jesse: Come on. Here we go.
Danny: Smile.
The camera takes a picture, with the family in a messy pose.

In the living room
Danny: (Talking to a camera) Hi. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all you viewers of Wake Up, San Francisco. I'm off to Colorado for the first annual Tanner family Christmas reunion. But through the magic of home video, you're gonna see it all starting with our Christmas tree. Look, there it is unflocked and fire-retardant. And, of course, with the traditional smoke-alarm angel on top.
TJesse and Joey walk in, carrying suitcases and singing a Christmas song.
Jesse & Joey: Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo. Come on it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.
Joey: And you.
Jesse: And you.
Joey: Thank you.
Danny: There's my brother-in-law, Jesse.
Jesse: (To the camera) How are you? Nice to see you again.
Danny: Guys, say something to the viewers.
Joey: Hey, you there on the couch. Dig those kooky pajamas. Jess, anything you wanna say?
Jesse: Just that Danny's only taping this vacation so he can write it off as a tax deduction.
Danny: Memo to me: Edit that out. Careful, Oh Jess. The red bag is full of the girls' presents. Joey, remember to bring your Santa suit?
Joey: Danny, I am psyched. All week long I've been working on my "Ho, ho, ho--"
Jesse & Joey: (singing) Home, home on the range
Danny: Here's my daughter Stephanie. This happy little girl is what Christmas is all about.
Stephanie: Daddy, I don't want to go on this dumb trip .
Danny: Stephanie, camera's running . Try to be a little bit cuter.
Stephanie: I don't wanna go on this dumb trip. Daddy,
Santa Claus: will never find me in Colorado. He knows I live here.
Danny: Trust me, Steph, he'll be there Christmas morning.
Stephanie: Well, just to make sure, I drew this map for Santa so he can find me. It's got the North Pole, "You are here." And San Francisco, "Stephanie was here." And Colorado, "Stephanie will be here Christmas morning." And this is a bird named Tony.

In Michelle's bedroom
DJ: There, perfect. Michelle, could you keep a secret?
Michelle: Okay, D.J .
DJ: Great, I've been dying to tell someone. I found out where dad hid all our Christmas presents. I just happened to be wandering through the crawlspace in the attic. Guess what? I'm getting my new CD player. Stephanie's getting her roller skates. And you are gonna be rolling in new toys.
Michelle: Toys!
DJ: You promised you wouldn't say anything, remember?
DJ pretends to zip her mouth and throw away the key. Michelle repeats this gesture.

In the airplane
Danny: And here's the Tanner family getting ready for liftoff. DJ, tell us what's going on.
DJ: I'm getting ready to buckle my seat belt and return my seat back to its original upright position.
Stephanie: I made a sign for Santa. "Stephanie on board."
Joey: Look, Michelle, we're gonna take a trip with all these nice people. Say, "Hi, people."
Michelle: Hi, people.
Joey: Isn't this exciting? It's her first trip on an airplane.
All passengers go "Oooohhh..." Then Irene walks to the family.
Irene: Whoever designed these airline bathrooms was not wearing pantyhose. Excuse me.
Jesse: Nice hat, Ma.
Nick: There are gonna be a lot of grandsons at this reunion. None of them mine.
Jesse: Pop, you promised you weren't gonna bug me about this.
Irene: Nick, the boy's right. Stop pestering him about grandsons. At least wait until he's married.
Jesse: Thank you.
Irene: By the way, when will that be?
Jesse: Mother.
Becky: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
All: Hey, Becky.
Danny: I don't believe this! It's my co-host, Rebecca Donaldson. This tape is for our show. Say something.
Becky: Hi, viewers. I bet Danny's making this tape so he can write off his vacation.
Danny: Well, I could do that but it would be wrong.
Jesse: Becky, what a surprise. I didn't know you were going to Colorado. Maybe, I don't know, you and I could slip away and go skiing or something?
Becky: Thank you for asking, but, actually, I'm just changing planes in Denver because I'm going home to Nebraska for Christmas.
Jesse: You know, I've always wanted to ski Nebraska.
Becky: Oh, you are so cute. Well, gotta get a magazine.
Joey: That was Jesse Katsopolis striking out.
Jesse: Memo to you: Edit that out.
Lionel: : Hey, you're sitting in my seat. I've got 1B, child.
DJ: No, I have 1B, adult.
Danny: That makes three of us.
Stewardess: : It seems we've assigned three people to the same seat. Silly us.
Lionel: : Well, I reserved that seat three months ago and that's where I'm going to sit.
Stewardess: : Well, I do have two openings in first class.
Lionel: : Oh, I'll take one.
Stewardess: : No, you reserved that seat three months ago and that's where you're going to sit. How would you two girls like to sit in first class?
Stephanie: Okay! What is first class?
DJ: It's behind that curtain. It's a magic land where people sit in seats as big as sofas and eat shrimp cocktail.
Stephanie: Okay, let's get out of this dump!

A little later
Stewardess: : Did you enjoy your dinner?
Danny: Well, the liver wasn't bad.
Stewardess: : You had the chicken, sir.
Danny: In that case, it was awful.
DJ: First class is so rad. We had lobster and ice cream sundaes. What did you guys have?
Joey: We had the liver-in-a-chicken-suit.
Becky: Girls, come on. It's the pilot's birthday and they're gonna cut the cake.
Nick: Rebecca's a nice girl. Very pretty. You two would make a wonderful couple.
Jesse: Yeah I've tried, Pop. She just wants to be friends. She's one of those girls that her career comes first.
Nick: Hey, I understand that girls' lib stuff but you gotta tell them who's boss.
Irene: I didn't hear that.
Nick: Good.
Danny: Jesse, hold up Michelle. I wanna get a shot of her little junior pilot wings.
Jesse: Okay, here we go.
Michelle: Hey, man.
Lionel: : Kid, can't you see I'm trying to work here?
Danny: Smile, Michelle.
Michelle: Kitty.
Michelle starts petting the hair of the man and holds his hair piece in her hands.
Lionel: : Hey, hey, hey!
Danny: Sir, I'm really terribly sorry. She loves animals.
Lionel: : Give me back my hair.
Michelle starts crying
Jesse: Oh, it's okay, Michelle. Way to go, mister. Make a kid cry on Christmas. It's okay, Michelle. I'll sing your favourite little lullaby.
Jesse starts singing "The girl from Ipanema".
Jesse: Okay. Everyone sing. Sing along.
Everybody joins in...
Stewardess: : Your attention, please. The captain's said there's a heavy snowstorm in the Rocky Mountain area so we will be making an unscheduled landing.
Jesse: What?!
Stewardess: : Sorry if I bummed you out.

In the baggage claim of an airport
Jesse: Let's go, girls. Hurry up, hurry up.
Stephanie: Daddy, Daddy, we can't stay here!
Danny: Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm sure we won't be here long.
Stewardess: : Ladies and gentlemen, due to this totally incredible blizzard, flight 411, that's us will remain grounded until morning.
Jesse: What?
Stephanie: What did you say?!
Stewardess: : So let me be the first to wish you and yours a very merry Christmas.
Danny: I spent months planning this reunion and now we're gonna miss it.
DJ: We're gonna spend Christmas in an airport?
Stephanie: I told you we never should have gone on this trip. Santa will never find us now.

Some later, Stephanie is in a phone booth.
Stephanie: Operator, if Santa's not listed, then give me the number for Mrs. Claus. Hello? Hello? How rude. (She hangs up the phone and leave the booth) Somebody do something! I can't get Santa on the phone. He'll never find me here.
DJ: I'll handle this. I know how to talk to kids. Come here, shrimp.
Lionel, the man from the airplane walks to the clan
Lionel: : Excuse me. Is your tribe sitting here?
Joey: Yeah. Why?
Lionel: : Well, then I'm sitting way over there.
Nick: Jesse, look at Rebecca over there. She looks miserable. Now's your chance.
Jesse: Pop, what are you talking about?
Nick: She needs comforting. Times of crisis always bring people together. Trust me. I met your mother the day Elvis got drafted.
Jesse: Pop, that's taking advantage. I... It might work.
Jesse walks to Becky.
Jesse: Hi, Becky, how you doing?
Becky: Oh, I'm doing okay, Jess. It's just that moving to San Francisco has kind of made me homesick. I was really looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. Ten of us kids gathered around a big turkey. This was my year for a drumstick.
Jesse: Well, I'm sure my parents would like to think of you as part of my family.
Becky: It's been so long since I've seen everyone. You know, my little brother says Janice has really blossomed.
Jesse: Oh, yeah? Is Janice your sister?
Becky: No, my cow. I'm gonna call home again. Excuse me.
Nick: What happened?
Jesse: She went to call her cow.

Danny: Joey, where's the bag with the presents?
Joey: I don't know. It hasn't come in yet.
Danny: They lost the bag with the presents? Joey, what are we gonna do?
Joey: Maybe we should look for it?
Danny: You are so good under pressure.

DJ: And tomorrow morning when you wake up, I guarantee the roller skates you asked for will be here.
Stephanie: How can you be sure?
DJ: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer will find you because his nose is radar.
Stephanie: All these years I thought it was just a headlight.

Danny: Any luck finding the present bag?
Joey: Nothing yet.
Danny: This is horrible.
Stephanie: Daddy! Daddy! Good news. DJ explained it. Santa will get here with the presents because Rudolph has red-nose radar.
Danny: Stephanie, you know, red-nose radar doesn't always work in real heavy snow.
Stephanie: Are you saying Santa's not coming?
Danny: Well, if he doesn't make it here, I'm sure he'll find you in a couple of days.
Stephanie: But it's not the same. It won't be Christmas morning. (She locks herself up in the phone booth again)
DJ: Dad, what were you thinking? I had her all cheered up and then you bum her out bigtime.
Danny: DJ, I think you're old enough to hear the truth. The airline lost our bag with the Christmas presents.
DJ: What? No presents? You mean they lost my new CD player?
Danny: How did you know you were getting a CD player?
DJ: Did I say "CD player"?
Danny: Yes. That's exactly what you just said.
DJ: Well, it doesn't matter. I'm not getting it anyway. Stephanie was right, we should've never gone on this trip. This is the worst Christmas ever.
Danny: This is not going well.
Joey: Any ideas?
Irene shakes the bag with Joey's Santa suit.

Some later.
Michelle: (Looking at the man from the airplane) Kitty.
The man quickly puts his hand on his head. Danny apologizes to him.
Joey: Ho, ho, ho.
Santa Claus: , you found me!
Joey: Merry Christmas.
All: Merry Christmas!
Jesse: Who is that?
Santa Claus: .
Joey: Sit on my knee, Stephanie.
Stephanie: You know my name.
Joey: Well, I know when you're sleeping. I know when you're awake. I know if you've been bad or good. So why are you so surprised?
Stephanie: I've tried so hard to be good this year.
Joey: Well, I know that you've been cleaning your room and making your bed.
Stephanie: Hospital corners.
Joey: I also know that you ate that last slice of pizza that Joey was saving for breakfast.
Stephanie: You do know everything.
Joey: I also know that you've been very kind to your family and friends. Little girls like you make the world a lot better place.
Irene: Come on, let's go see
Santa Claus: .
Joey: Come here, little girl. Ho, ho, ho, Michelle.
Michelle: Ho, ho, Joey.
Stephanie: No, Michelle, that's not Joey. That's
Santa Claus: . See? It is Joey!
Joey: No, I'm
Santa Claus: . Why, people all over the world come up to me and say: "Aren't you Joey Gladstone?"
Stephanie: What a mean trick!
Danny: Stephanie, wait. Santa can't be everywhere at once. So Joey is one of Santa's helpers.
Joey: I cover all the airports.
Stephanie: No you don't. And don't try to make me feel better. I'm going back to my phone booth.
Irene: Poor kid.
Nick: What a rotten Christmas.
DJ: The presents are lost.
Joey: I broke Stephanie's heart.
DJ: The presents are lost.
Becky: I won't see my family on Christmas. Or my cow.
DJ: Did I mention the presents are lost?
Danny: It's all my fault. If it wasn't for me, we'd be spending Christmas at home instead of in a baggage claim.
Jesse: What's the matter with you people? The first Christmas was in a manger. They did okay. Okay, so what if we're stuck in this crummy dump? Christmas isn't about presents or
Santa Claus: or cows. It's about a feeling. It's about-- It's about people. It's about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn't have to happen in one certain place. It happens in our hearts. So if you think about it, we could have Christmas anywhere. I mean, even in a baggage claim. DJ, what do you see right there?
DJ: A coat rack.
Jesse: No. I see a big, beautiful Christmas tree. Joseph, what do you see back there?
Joey: Vending machines.
Jesse: No. I see a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Pop, what do you see back there?
Nick: A conveyor belt.
Jesse: No. I see... Okay, yes, that's a conveyor belt. But the point I'm trying to make is, we could give these kids the best darn Christmas they ever had! And you know why? Because "Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling 'yoo-hoo."' Come on.
Everybody starts singing again.
Joey: Yeah.
Jesse: That's it! All right!

The next morning, everybody is sleeping. Michelle stands next to the buttons to control the conveyor belt, on which Danny is sleeping. She pushes a button and Danny moves away.
Michelle: Bye, Daddy.
Jesse: (Waking up) Michelle. Come here, you little insomniac. Hey. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Michelle. It's Christmas. Wake up, everybody! Merry Christmas!
Stephanie: It's Christmas! In an airport. Hot dog.
DJ: We did a great job. It really does look like Christmas. And it doesn't even matter if there are no presents.
Jesse: Merry Christmas, Deej.
DJ: Merry Christmas. What's that?
DJ looks at the conveyor belt that brought Danny back, covered in snow.
Joey: I don't know. Everybody stand back. I'll handle this. Jess, could you go see what that is?
Jesse: It's okay. It's only Danny. Probably dreaming of a white Christmas.
Danny: (Getting up) Very funny.
Jesse: You all right? Come on. Merry Christmas, Frosty.
Becky: I'll get you some hot coffee. Does anybody have quarters for the machine?
Danny: I do, but they're frozen to my thigh.
Irene: Come on, Danny. Sit down. (She covers him with a blanket)
Nick: Jesse, what do you see over there?
Jesse: I see Becky by the coffee machine, Dad.
Nick: I see a woman waiting to be kissed under the mistletoe.
Jesse: Pop....
Nick: The first time I ever kissed your mother was under the mistletoe. It lasted till New Year's. Hey, there are two things Katsopolis men are known for: Kissing and great hair.
Jesse: Merry Christmas, Becky.
Becky: Oh, merry Christmas, Jesse. Listen, I want you to know, if I can't be with my family on Christmas, it's really nice to be with your family.
Jesse: Well, I'm happy you're with us too.
Nick & Irene: (signalling) Go ahead. Go ahead.
Jesse: And I'm also happy, we just so happen to be standing under the mistletoe. You know what that means.
Becky: Jesse....
Jesse: No, I know, you just wanna be friends. But believe me, I hate this just as much as you do, but it is a Christmas law.
Becky: Well, I am a law-abiding citizen.
Jesse and Becky kiss...
Jesse: Have mercy.
Becky: That was great. I can't wait till we can do that again. Next Christmas.
Becky walks away. Another woman walks to Jesse and kisses him.

Santa Claus: : Ho, ho, ho!
Stephanie: Hi, Joey.
Joey: (Sitting behind her) Hi, Steph.
Santa Claus: : Merry Christmas, everybody!
All: Merry Christmas!
Santa Claus: : Merry Christmas, Stephanie!
Stephanie: Wait a minute. Are you really Santa?
Santa Claus: : Give it a tug.
Stephanie: It's a real beard! That means-- That means-- That means you're really
Santa Claus: !
Santa Claus: : And I want you to have the merriest Christmas ever.
Santa moves his hand and the conveyor belt starts running again, bringing the bag with the presents back.
DJ: Whoa, it's our Christmas presents!
Stephanie: Neato!
Danny: I don't believe this.
Stephanie: Thank you, Santa. Hey, where did Santa go?
Danny: He probably went to change out of your Santa costume.
Joey: (shaking the bag with his santa costume) I don't think so.
Jesse: (looking at the laptop from
Lionel: , the man from the airplane) Hey, guys, come here. What do you make of this?
Danny: Look at the screen. "Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho"?
Danny, Jesse, Joey & DJ: No.
Stephanie: I just saw
Santa Claus: flying away.
Jesse: You think?
DJ: I don't know what to think. All I know is, this turned out to be a great Christmas. Let's go open the presents.
Jesse: Yeah.
DJ: All right!
Stephanie looks at the screen, where a message for her appears.
Stephanie: (reading) Thanks for the maps Stephanie. You're welcome, Santa.
Danny: Come on, Steph. We're gonna open presents and sing Christmas carols.
Jesse: Here we go!
All start singing
Stephanie: My present says... My present says "Stephanie."


Episode Information:
First shown: 1988
Directed by: John Bowab
Written by: Kim Weiskopf

Guest Cast:
Rebecca Donaldson: Lori Loughlin
Irene Katsopolis: Yvonne Wilder
Nick Katsopolis: John Aprea
Stewardess: Kirsti Somers
Lionel: Sorrell Booke

Script edited by: Martin van Dam
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 16/12/2012