Full House Scripts - Season 2

Episode 032 * Middle Age Crazy

No Teaser

(Danny enters the kitchen with Michelle)
Danny: All right Michelle, Daddy is going to make a tape about you for the nice viewers of "Wake Up, San Fransisco" Now when I say action, you go to the table and show everyone how you eat like a big girl.
Michelle: All righty
Danny: Action!
(Michelle goes to the horse instead of the table)
Danny: No honey, sit on the table, the table, the table
Michelle: Horsey
(Michelle doesn't move)
Danny: All right, we'll make it a western. Can you say yippiiokia
Michelle: No
(Stephanie and Harry walk in the kitchen)
Stephanie: Daddy, Daddy, I broke the 1st grade hula-hoop record with 103 hulas
Harry: It was awesome
(Stephanie starts doing hula-hoops. Steph and Harry are both counting).
Stephanie and Harry:- One, two, three, four, five, six
Danny: I'm very sorry honey, but this tape is just about Michelle. I'll watch you later.

(Jesse and Joey are in their office. Jesse is on the phone, with Joey throwing pieces of paper at Jesse)
Jesse: Yes sir, by tomorrow you'll have jingle magic. Bye. (Throwing pieces of paper at Joey) You are so immature.
Joey: I'm sorry Jesse, I'm just frustrated. We gotta get this jingle
Jesse: Joseph, this is no time to start turning on each other. We make a great team. This particular jingle is taking a little extra time because we're holding up for quality.
Joey: Yeah, we've had a lot of success in the last three months of advertising.(picks up piece of paper on floor) Hey, remember this? It's that rap thing we did.
Jesse: We hated that three days ago
Joey: Three days ago I wasn't on my knees, sifting through garbage
(Jesse and Joey start to dance)
Jesse: If you start smellin, and your wifes out looking for a brand new hubby, then quit your whining and start pumping iron at the
Joey: Sw-sw-sw-sw-Sweat World
Jesse and Joey: Yeah!
Joey: That was the worst.
Jesse: Not good.
(Stephanie walks in)
Stephanie: Guess what? I broke the 1st grade hula-hoop record. Watch me do 103 hulas.
(Steph counts while Jesse stops her)
Joey: Steph, we'll watch ya do it later
Stephanie: Later? I'm getting to hate that word
Jesse: Stephanie, we're sorry, but your Uncle Jesse and Joey are under tremendous pressure
(D.J walks in)
DJ: You guys gotta help me with my science project; I'm desperate
Stephanie: Sorry D.J you'll have to wait until later; Jesse and Joey are under tremendous pressure
(Stephanie leaves)
DJ: I have to drop an egg two stories without breaking it. And it's due tomorrow
Jesse: Your teacher only gave you one day to do this homemade thingy?
DJ: Well, he gave us a little more than a day
Joey: How little more?
DJ: Maybe a day or two or twenty
Jesse: You had twenty days to do this and you waited til the last minute, young lady
DJ: If I fail this science project, I won't get out of the 6th grade (runs to Joey) Oh Joey, please, please pretty please
Joey: Oh, all right
Jesse: Oh, sure go right to Mr.Softy

(Steph is doing hula-hoops in the kitchen)
Stephanie: 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100, 101, 102 (D.J knocks down her hula-hoop) D.J I was one hula away from my record
DJ: Sorry Steph, but you happen to be hooping in my laboratory
Jesse: What can we use to build this thing?
DJ: Anything around the house.
Jesse: How about a suitcase full of cotton
DJ: (reads paper) Rule No. 26 No suitcases full of cotton
Stephanie: Hey no fair. You said you were too busy to play with me. How come you're playing with D.J?
Jesse: We're not playing; this is for D.J's school
DJ: Yeah, this happens to be a 6th grade science project. You're just too young to understand
Joey: I got it. We put the egg insides natures perfect shock absorber; a Twinkie
Jesse: Let it rip
(The egg breaks)
Stephanie: I'm too young for this? Sheesh

(Danny is in the livingroom taping Michelle's song. Stephanie walks in)
Stephanie: Okay daddy, it's later
Danny: Oh Steph, Michelle was just singing the cutest little song
Stephanie: I learned a new song in school today "I write the songs that make the whole world sing."
Danny: Steph, as much as I'm happy to hear that the public schools are keeping that song alive, I really have to get some footage of Michelle singing her little song
Michelle: La La La, La La La
Stephanie: You think you're so cute.
Michelle: Don't worry, be happy
Stephanie: Oh no, you are so cute

New scene. Steph is in her room)
Stephanie: (singing into toy recorder) "I've been alive forever, and I wrote the very first song" Sorry Mr. Bear, my hearts just not in it. Anyway, you're probably more interested in D.J and Michelle. Everybody else is. No one cares what I do

(New scene - Steph's dream. The guys are trying to get Michelle to blink)
Danny, Jesse, and Joey: Come on Michelle, blink
(Steph walks in wearing a space uniform)
Stephanie: I just got back from Mars! I'm the first kid in space.
Danny: Oh, that's nice honey, wipe your feet. We don't want to get Michelle nervous now (The guys take out video cameras just as Michelle blinks)
Danny, Jesse, and Joey: She did it! She blinked. She's so cute.
Jesse: Michelle, for being so cute and adorable, Joey, tell her what she's won.
Joey: Cute little Michelle has won Stephanies bike
Stephanie: My Bike!
Michelle: My Bike.
Stephanie: You gave my bike for blinking? I just got back from Mars, what do I get?
(Doorbell rings)
Danny, Jesse, and Joey: Get the door.
(Steph opens the door, and a carpet rolls out while D.J walks in)
Stephanie: For me?
DJ: No, for me. Get off my rug, you little nerd-bomber.
Danny: What did you do?
DJ: I went to the mailbox and got the mail
Stephanie: I just got back from Mars, look what I learned to do.
(She flies up in the air)
Stephanie: Woohoo! A person's flying
Jesse: You went to the mailbox and back all by yourself? Talk about guts. Come on, let's get this party started. Patrick Swayze's in there, and he wants the first dance
DJ: I love being first born
Danny: Steph, while your up there, could you dust the top of the mantle

(Back in real world)
Stephanie: How rude. How very rude
(Knocking on door)
Stephanie: Come in
(Harry walks in)
Harry: Hi chief. I want to get a picture of you and your hula for my scrapbook. Smile
(Steph gives a half smile;Harry takes picture)
Stephanie: Harry, you're the only one who cares about me
Harry: Your family cares about you
Stephanie: No they don't. D.J is the oldest and Michelle is the cutest and I'm nothing. I wish I could move out but I'm stuck living here until I get married
Harry: Tough break
Stephanie: Yeah, unless you marry me
Harry: Marry you! I'm not even allowed to cross the street
Stephanie: Married people are allowed
Harry: Really? Okay, I'll marry you
Stephanie: Harry, you have to propose. A girl waits her whole life for this moment
Harry: (kneeling down on one knee) Okay,chief. I can see up your nose.
Stephanie: Harry, this is supposed to be romantic
Harry: Okay, I can see up your nose darling
Stephanie: Never mind. We'll get married today. I'll call our friends and we can get a house. Then we won't have to put up with D.J and Michelle anymore. I'll be Stephanie Takiyama.
Harry: And I'll be Harry Tanner.

(New scene. Jesse, Joey, and D.J are upstairs)
DJ: I hope this egg thingy works
Jesse: D.J, it's quite simple. We drop the tinker toy frame to the ground, and the elastic stretches, allowing the egg to remain in its resting place, Michelles booty
DJ: Here we go
(The project drops, along with the egg; Danny walks in and catches it)
Danny: I'd just like to take this moment to thank you all so very much to play in an important role in my daughters education
(Doorbell rings;D.J answers it)
Jimmy: We're here for Stephanie's wedding. Which way to the backyard?
DJ: Through the kitchen and hang a left.
Jimmy: Okay gang lets go, on the double
Joey: Who are all these kids?
Jesse: Well, thats Sneezy, Dopey,Sleepy, Nosey, and of course, Nekosaduci as the Beaver.
DJ: Well, what do you say guys back to the drawing board?
Jesse: Sorry D.J, but me and Joseph have to get back to our Sweat-world jingle
Joey: I got it! All we do is slow it down?
Jesse: That's good Joseph; we do it kind of like a ballad. "Meet me down at Sweat world baby"
Joey: Will you stop that, huh? Not the jingle, the egg. We slow it down with a parachute.
DJ: I'll try anything.
Jesse: Oh great, our careers are over, but we're gonna pass 6th grade science

(New scene- In backyard. Stephanie and Harry are getting "married")
Jimmy: We are gathered here today to join Stephanie and Harry in holy matricemoney. Harry, do you take Stephanie?
Harry: I'll take her everywhere. After we're married, we can cross the street.
Stephanie: No, no, no, what he means is do you promise to pay lots of attention to me no matter how old D.J gets or how cute Michelle is?
Harry: Why not?
Jimmy: Now its time for the wedding bows.
(Stephanie and Harry bow)
Jimmy: May I have the ring please?
(Harry looks in a bag)
Jimmy: Did you get a ring?
Harry: Better. I got a stick-on tattoo of Scooby-Doo (to Stephanie) Lick your hand.
(Stephanie licks her hand while Harry puts the tattoo on)
Stephanie: It's beautiful.
Jimmy: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Steph and Harry: Eew!
Jimmy: If you don't kiss, you're not really married
(Stephanie lays out her hand; Harry kisses it)
Stephanie: He's not a bad kisser.

(New scene - In livingroom. D,J, Jesse, and Joey are retrying D.J's project)
DJ: Eggs Away take 2!
(D.J drops;egg doesn't break)
DJ: You guys are geniuses
Joey: well, Edison said genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration
DJ: What does that mean ?
Jesse: If you dont sweat it, you dont get it That's good for our jingle Joseph.
Jesse and Joey: If you don't sweat it, you don't get it so come to Sweat world and get pumped"
(Danny and Michelle come in)
Danny: Ride around honey, come around
(Stephanie and Harry walk in)
Stephanie: People, I would like to make a very important announcement. I was married this afternoon.
Danny: Pardon me?
Harry: Hi dad.
Danny: You two make a cute bride and groom. You can stand on top of your own wedding cake.
Stephanie: Good bye everyone. It's been a great 6 years. Harry, let's go have something
Harry: I have to go home. Bye Chief
Stephanie: Harry! You can't walk out on me.
Harry: Yes I can. Tonight's meatloaf night
(Harry leaves)
Stephanie: Great. Nobody wants me.
Danny: Steph, what do you mean nobody wants you? Your family wants you.
Stephanie: Some family. You didn't care that I broke the hula-hoop record or went to Mars.
Danny: You went to Mars? I guess we've been a tad preoccupied
Jesse: Kid, we're sorry if we ignored you. We didn't mean to.
Joey: Yeah, I guess we just got caught up in what we were doing
DJ: Well, now that my science project is done I can watch you hula-hoop.
Stephanie: It doesn't matter! You're always gonna be the oldest and Michelle's always gonna be the cutest and I'm always gonna be stuck in the middle.
(Stephanie tries to leave, but Jesse and Joey catch her)
Stephanie: See? I'm stuck in the middle again.
Danny: Steph, I understand how you're feeling, but there's another way to look at this
Jesse: Yeah, for example, what's the best part of a baloney sandwich?
Stephanie: The baloney.
Jesse: And where's the baloney?
Stephanie: In the middle.
Jesse: Let's take an Oreo cookie, what's the best part of an Oreo cookie?
Stephanie: The chocolate milk you dunk it in
Jesse: Come on Steph, you know where I'm going with this
Joey: I know! The cream is the best part.
Jesse: And where is the cream
Joey: In the middle.
Jesse: Don't help. It's in the...
Stephanie: Middle.
Danny: Steph, what all this baloney and cookie talk is getting to is that every part of the family is special in it's own way
Joey: Yeah, you're the only one that has a big sister and a little sister
Stephanie: That's true. What else ya got?
Danny: Another good thing about being the middle child is that a lot of the mistakes we made raising D.J, we won't have to make on you.
DJ: I'm getting depressed. So far I'm the soggy part of the sandwich and the throwaway part of the cookie.
Danny: Steph, come here. You have to realize that sometimes, your sisters are gonna need our attention. But if you ever feel that you're not getting your fair share, I want you to come and tell us about it.
Stephanie: Really? I can do that
Danny: You better. Every time I get a little busy with something, I don't want you to run off and get married
Stephanie: I don't know about this husband thing. One whiff of his mom's meatloaf and you are gone
Danny: Come here, you beautiful bride (Steph starts to hug everyone)
Joey: Me next
Jesse: Lay one on your Uncle J, you know how it's done
DJ: Well, comeon.
Michelle: Hug
Danny: This home video would be so much better if it had all three of my girls. (to Steph) You want to sing "I write the songs" or go for the hula-hoop record.
Stephanie: Daddy, I can do both!
(Steph goes hula-hooping and starts singing "I write the songs" with everyone else)

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1989
Directed by: Peter Baldwin
Written by: Lawrence E. Hartstein & Richard H. Rossner

Guest Cast:
Harry: Nathan Nishiguchi
Jimmy: Zachary Bostrom

Script edited by: Bman
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 22/08/2004