Full House Scripts - Season 2

Episode 037 * Pal Joey

No Teaser

While standing on paper towels, Danny and Michelle are mopping the kitchen floor
Danny: Oh, good work, Michelle. I am very proud of you. Now honey--now I'm going to teach you the Tanner family motto. Clean is good, and dirt is bad.
Michelle: Dirt bad!
Danny: The future is in good hands.

Jesse and Joey come in through the back door
Jesse and Joey: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Danny: Stop! I just finished cleaning the floor.
Jesse: Daniel, something to think about: If you hang a vine up here, we could swing in like Tarzan.
Joey cries like Tarzan, and both leap to carpet a few feet away
Joey: We're trapped.
Jesse: No, we're not. Observe, Joseph. (Jesse rolls out paper towel on floor toward stairs leading to Joey's room)
Joey: Jess, don't get any dirt on the paper towel.
Jesse: Dirt on the paper towel, dirt on the paper towel (both laugh)
Danny: Look at those nutty guys, Michelle. If it wasn't for me Joey and Jesse would never have met. Now, they're unseparable. Heh, isn't life ironic?
Michelle: Yep.
DJ: (calling from livingroom) Dad, we're home.
DJ, Harry and Stephanie walk in to the kitchen
Michelle: Stop! Dirt bad.
DJ: Oh, no. Dad taught Michelle the Tanner family motto.
Danny: Deej, I'm working on a new Tanner family motto. Don't make fun of Dad until you can afford your own apartment.
Danny: Okay, here we go, Michelle. Good girl. Okay. (Leaving paper towels on the floor for the kids, Danny exits to the livingroom with Michelle
Danny: These are for you.
They ignore the towels and proceed to the bar area
Stephanie: Come on, Harry. Let's do our math homework
Harry: Forget it. I can't learn substraction. I'm going to quit school and join the Boy Scouts.
Stephanie: I don't want my boyfriend to be a first-grade dropout. How embarrassing.
DJ: Harry, look. If you have four oranges, and then you take way two, how many do you have left?
Harry: Two.
DJ: That's substraction. Very good, Harry.
Harry: Thanks, DJ. You're the smartest woman in the world.
Stephanie: Oh yeah. Four minus two. Real genius.
Harry: DJ, can you tell me where babies come from?
DJ: Harry, stick to fruit.

In Joey's room...
Jesse: All right, Joseph. Now that we're using your room as our office, we're going to have to be doing a little redcoration in this joint. Look at this place--you got hockey dummies; you got puppets nailed to the wall; you got Mr. Potato Head here.
Joey: Come on, it makes the room fun.
Jesse: Fun? Joey, this isn't fun to me. It's like working in PeeWee's Playhouse.
Joey: (imitating PeeWee)That's right, boys and girls. And today's secret word is office.
Jesse: Joey, I'm serious (puts down Mr. Potato head) I'm serious.
Joey: I know you are, but what am I? (Joey laughs like PeeWee)
Jesse: All right. I give up with you!
Danny and Michelle enter room
Danny: Hey, I like what you've done with your office.
Joey and Jesse: Office! (laughing like PeeWee) Ahhhhhh!
Jesse: Joseph, you are a knuckle head.
Joey: Oh, come on now. Cut it out!
Danny: Hey, Joey. It's Jesse's turn to babysit tonight. Why don't we grab a bite in China Town and go catch a movie.
Joey: Sounds great. Why don't we go pick up some pizza first and play some pool. (Phone rings, and Michelle grabs it
Michelle: Hello. Hi, man. Hold on. Jesse!
Jesse: Well, it looks like we found ourselves a secretary. Thank you, Michelle. (Picks up phone). Hello. Double J Creative Services, J speaking. (Whispering to Joey) Joey, it's the boss. (on phone) Yes, sir. What's up, Mr. Malantesta? Oh no. Oh no.
Joey: What's wrong?
Jesse: Well, we got a major crisis with the Chippy Chunk Nut Cookie account. Seems they found more chunk nuts than chippies in the chewy chocolates so all the chewy chocolates that should be chunk nuts have to be called Nutty Chewy Chunk Chips.
Joey: How can they do that?
Danny: How can they say that?
Jesse: Uh, yes sir. We'll take care of it. Thank you, sir. We'll partner, looks like we're going to work tonight.
Joey: Sorry, Danny.
Danny: I'm sorry too. I've been looking forward to this for at least 30 seconds.
Joey: Hey, why don't we hang out tomorrow?
Danny: Ah, tomorrow's bad. I'm supposed to go over next week's shows with Rebecca. I got an idea. I'll just ask you to move it to Sunday. Why don't we go down to the gym and shoot some hoops like the good old days?
Joey: Sounds great. Same stakes?
Danny: Yep. Loser does the other guy's homework
Phone rings
Joey: I'll get it.
Jesse: We have a secretary now, remember?
Michelle: Hi, man. Bye, man.
Jesse: That's it, young lady. You're fired. Pack up your stuff, and get out of our office.
Joey and Jesse: Office! (they laugh like PeeWee, and Michelle mocks them)

DJ walks into livingroom from front door
DJ: Mail call.
Stephanie: Anything for me?
DJ: Uh, let's see. Resident... that's for you; occupant.. that's for you; detergent sample..
DJ and Stephanie: That's for Dad.
Harry walks in
Harry: Hi, ladies.
DJ: Hi, Harry.
Harry displays a lollipop
Stephanie: Oh, Harry, an I-love-you lollipop. You are so sweet.
Harry: Thank you. It's for DJ.
Stephanie: You're in love with DJ? Harry Takiyama, how can this be true?!
Harry: Sorry, Chief. But ever since yesterday, all I want to do is substract. (hands DJ the lollipop) Wanna have lunch tomorrow?
DJ: Uh, thanks for asking, Harry. But lucky for me, I'm having lunch with Kimmy tomorrow.
Harry: No problem. I'll bring a friend; we'll double. See ya, honey.
DJ: Oh, Harold, honey? Harold?
Harry: Bye, Chief.
Stephanie: Don't call me chief.
Harry leaves
Stephanie: You rat! You skunk! You skunky rat! You stole my man!
DJ: Man? I have Ken dolls bigger than him.

Danny and Joey are playing basketball inside a gymnasium
Danny: Ok, your ball out. (Dribbling ball)
Joey: Look, a glacier passed by the window.
Danny: (holding ball in air) Isn't this great? It's just like the old days. I'm still taller than you. Remember the last time we played? July 29, 1972. It was raining.You got mad because I fowled you with my umbrella.
Jesse walks in
Jesse: Joseph...
Danny: Guys, we're in the middle of a game.
Joey: Traveling. My ball.
Jesse: Great news, pal. We saved the cookie account.
Joey: That is great news.
Jesse: Danny, my mom's watching the girls. I'm going over to Hippos. A bunch of us from the agency are going to celebrate the way we changed Chippie Chunk Nuts into Nutty Chewy Chunk Chips.
Joey: I'm your partner. I'm going with you. Ah, Jess. I promised Danny I'd play basketball.
Danny: Oh, no no no no. Don't let me ruin your fun. Go. Party with strangers.
Joey: Danny, we'll play sudden death. We'll finish the game. Next basket wins.
Danny: Thanks for squeezing me in, pal.
Jesse: Hurry up, Joey. I'll wait for you. the ball hit Joey's wrist
Joey: Foul. I'm the big man. I got wristing.
Danny: Wristing? What the heck is wristing?
Joey: You hit me on the wrist. You got a better name for it?
Danny: I hit all ball. Jesse, you saw it. Did I wrist him?
Jesse: Well, you did hit him on the wrist. So, if there is such as a thing as wristing, I'd have to say yes, you wristed him.
Danny: Oh, ok, fine. Take his side. What else is new? Thanks for the game. Nice hanging out with you. Real quality time.
Joey: Danny, we'll play later. Whats the big deal?
Danny: If I have to explain it to you, then I don't know why we were friends in the first place.
Joey: Danny, you're acting like a little kid.
Danny: I am not. Now give me back my ball.

DJ sees Michelle in her bedroom
Michelle: Hi, DJ!
DJ: Michelle, what are you doing in here?
Michelle: I don't know.
Stephanie brings Michelle's stuff into the room
Stephanie: Heres the rest of your stuff, Michelle. Thanks for switching rooms with me
DJ: Stephanie, there is no way I'm sharing a room with a 2-year-old.
Stephanie: There's no way I'm sharing a room with a no-good, skunky, ratty, rotten, laymoid boyfriend-stealer.
DJ: Would you get off this? Harry's a first-grade kid with a crush on an attractive, older woman.
Stephanie: Watch out, Michelle. She'll be your best buddy until you've got something she wants. And then, nothing is safe.
DJ: Michelle, don't believe her. You know you can trust me.
Michelle grabs her bunny
Michelle: My bunny!

in the livingroom, Danny is vacuuming and inadvertently starts vaccuuming up his shirt, as Joey and Jesse walk in
Joey: Well, it had to happen. The vacuum cleaner finally turned on him
Jesse laughs
Joey: Danny, what's going on with you? Why did you walk off court today?
Danny turns the vaccuum on again
Joey: Oh, no you don't. Don't give me the vacuum treatment.
Joey unplugs the vacuum
Danny: (Pointing at Joey) Never pull my plug when I'm cleaning.
Joey: Never point your finger at me unless I have food on my face.
Danny: Never tell me what to do.
Jesse: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fred, Ethel. Look, man. Are you guys going to let a basketball game break up a 20-year friendship?
Danny: The only reason we became friends in the first place is because on the day we met, I saved his butt.
Joey: Oh, you got that all backwards, Jack. I saved your butt.
Danny: Excuse me. But if my memory serves me, and it always does, it happened exactly like this. We were in the fifth grade. We just finished lunch. I remember, it was macaroni and cheese and Jello cubes. No, wait a second. I traded the Jello cubes for succotash. I don't like Jello cubes because they got pieces of fruit that get stuck in your teeth ...
Jesse: Just tell the story, huuh!
flashes back to their old school's playground
Danny: Okay. The year was 1968. We were sitting out in front of school on a bench. My nose was bleeding, again.
Miss Borland: Off to a bad start in your new school, Joseph Gladstone. Clowns belong in the circus, not in the schoolyard. Now, unless you want to be suspended on your first day, sit right here, and don't move a muscle.
Joey sits next to Danny on a bench and place and freezes in one position
Miss Borland: How's that nosebleed, Daniel?
Danny: Clotting nicely. Thank you, Miss Borland.
a young Jesse is shown with two girls
Jesse: Who wants a kiss? (he chases the girls)
Sheldon: (with a ball in his hands and other kids behind him, he goes up to Danny) What's the matter? Doufy Danny got a boo boo?
Danny: You threw the ball at my head when I wasn't looking.
Sheldon: Oh, well, you're looking now. (Puts the ball in his face). Made you flinch!
Joey: (To Sheldon) Hey, I uh, like your hair.
Sheldon: Thanks.
Joey: Who cuts it? Roto-Rooter?
kids laugh
Sheldon: Oh, yeah?
Joey: Good comeback. Is that your head? Or did your neck blow a bubble?
kids laugh
Joey: Thank you, thank you. Cut it out.
Danny: Where did you get all thiose great jokes?
Joey: This book. A Thousand and One Insults. Pretty groovy, huh?
Jesse gets chased by two girls
Jesse: Hey, one at a time!
Sheldon and Miss Borland walk toward Danny and Joey
Sheldon: Here's the kid who was picking on me.
Miss Borland: That's it. I'm calling your parents.
Joey: But, uh...
Danny: Wait, Miss Borland. That boy's lying. Joseph has been a perfect angel.
Sheldon: Tanner's the liar!
Miss Borland: That's not possible. Daniel Tanner's never been in trouble a day in his life. Let's you and I visit the principal, Sheldon.
Joey and Danny: Sheldon? (They laugh)
Joey: Thanks, man. You saved my life.
Danny: You saved me first.
Joey: We saved each other. That means we're soul brothers. To make it official, we each have to bury something real important to us.
Danny: Bury something? Won't we get dirty? It's okay. I'll be careful.
Joey: Okay, let's do the soul shake. (While doing the shake, a boy shakes his head at them because they aren't doing the shake properly)
Miss Borland: Until you learn to stop chasing the girls, Jesse Katsopolis, you're going to sit right here with me. (She crosses her legs and sits on the bench next to Jesse)
Jesse: Have mercy!

in the present
Jesse: I remember that teacher. I used to have fantasies of Miss Borland dancing on Laugh-In with sock it to me painted on her tummy ... sorry. Anyway, that was a beautiful story. Man, you guys were there for each other.
Danny: Were there for each other.
Joey: I should have let Sheldon cream you!
Jesse: Come on guys. Don't you realize how lucky you are? I wish I had one good friend all these years. You left history. You guys buried something together. Your're soul brothers.
Danny: All in the past. I'm going to go dig up that box we buried because I don't want my stuff rusting next to yours for all eternity.
Joey: Well, I'm going with you because I don't want my stuff too, and I don't remember where we buried it.
Danny: Well, that just says it all.
They walk out the front door
Jesse: Miss Borland. I wonder if I still have her number.

In DJ and Stephanie's room
DJ: Sorry, Michelle, but you can't live here. Now go back to your room. (DJ carries Michelle to Michelle's room)
Stephanie: No. This is my room. You live with DJ now. (Stephanie walks Michelle to Stephanie and DJ's room)
DJ: Michelle, don't listen to her. Go back to your room.
Michelle: What a day!
Harry comes upstairs
Harry: Hi Steph. Hi, honey.
Stephanie: Your boyfriend's here.
DJ: He is not my boyfriend. All I did was teach him how to subtract.
Stephanie: You hypnotized him with oranges, and you put him in a love trance!
Jesse comes upstairs
Jesse: All right. Enough of this. Everybody step into my room. We're going to play a little game of Junior Love Connection.
Stephanie: I'd rather play Divorce Court.
Michelle looks through Jesse's mail on his bed
Jesse: Michelle, what are you doing? Don't read my mail. That's personal. What am I saying? All right. Come on now. You go to your own, little room.
Michelle: What room?
Jesse: Hmm. First she reads my mail, and then she gives me lip. Come on. Get out of here! (Michelle exits) Now DJ, Harry. Now, DJ as nicely as you can, tell Harry how you really feel about him.
DJ: Kid, you don't have a prayer.
Jesse: Nicer, huuh?!
DJ: Look, Harry. Don't blow a good thing. You already have a great girl right here, Stephanie Tanner.
Harry: Sorry, Chief. Forgive me?
Stephanie: In your dreams.
Jesse: What Harry is trying to say is (imitates Harry by using Harry's hands to make gestures) I've made a big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life! Come on, Chief. Don't forget the good old days, Kindergarten. Please, I beg of you. Take me back! Take me back!
DJ: (pretending to be Stephanie) Oh, Harry. I forgive you!
Jesse: (acting like Harry) Oh, I'm so happy! Shake.(Harry and Stephanie shake) There you go.
Stephanie: Okay, you're my boyfriend again.
Harry: Great. (Stephanie pinches Harry) Ow, what was that for?
Stephanie: You're it! (They run out of the room)
DJ: Love is weird.
Jesse: Trust me, babe. It gets a lot weirder.

at the playground, Danny digs for the cap and book
Joey: Danny, come on. You dig slower than you play basketball. There goes that glacier again.
Danny: You think you can do better? Here, you dig.
Joey: Okay. I hit something.
Danny: This is it. Oh, man. My old Giants' cap.
Joey: My very first insult book
Danny: Whats this?
Joey: That's the pledge. I forgot all about this. (reading) This is to prove that on February 23, 1968, we pledge on our most sacred possessions to be soul brothers for life, even if one guy moves real far away. Right on. Get down. Stay funky. Signed Daniel Ernest Tanner and Joseph Alvin Gladstone.
Danny: We have horrible middle names.
Joey: The worst. But we kept this pledge, didn't we?
Danny: It's amazing.When we were growing up, man, we did everything together.
Joey: We're still doing everything together.
Danny: Yeah, but Joey, it's not the same. I feel really stupid saying this but, uh, ever since you and Jesse became good buddies and now your partners, I don't know, I feel left out.
Joey: Is that what this is all about? Why didn't you just tell me this in the first place?
Danny: I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm glad you and Jesse are friends. I just miss the way our friendship used to be.
Joey: Danny, I live in your house. I'm helping you raise your girls I've always been your best friend. I'll always be your best friend. It says so right here in the pledge!
Danny: I've been acting like a jerk.
Joey: Nah, yes you have. But you had a good reason. Danny, I'm sorry I've been taking our friendship for granted. But just remember this. No matter what happens we're always there for each other. (they do the soul shake) Hey, what do you say we bury this stuff again and come back when we're little old men and dig it up?
Danny: Yeah. By then, I'll be so shriveled up this cap might fit me. (they laugh) Okay, here's my cap.
Joey: My book.
Danny: The pledge. Wait a minute. Something's missing here.
Jesse arrives
Jesse: Man, you guys are nuts, man ! I had to stash the girls at the Gibblers and rush down here just to bring you my blow dryer?
Joey: Sorry. We needed your most prized possession.
Danny: Sign here.
Jesse: (reading) This is to prove that Danny E., Joey A. and Jesse K. are offiicial soul brothers, pals and best friends forever. Ah, you guys don't have to do this for me. This is your thing.
Danny: Now it's our thing.
Joey: We're all in this together.
Jesse: Thank you, guys. I'm touched. But my blow dryer? All right (he signs). But if my hair looks like hell tomorrow, I'm coming back here and digging that thing up.
Joey: Well, now we all got to do the official soul brother shake.
Jesse: Guys, isn't this a little silly?
Danny: We could all hug.
Jesse: Lets do the shake.
The look on Jesse's face indicates he thinks the shake is ridiculous

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1989
Directed by: John Bowab
Written by: Marc Warren & Dennis Rinsler

Guest Cast:
Phillip Glasser: Young Danny
Kristopher Kent Hill: Young Joey
Annette Sinclair: Ms. Borland
Nathan Nishiguchi: Harry
Brandon Crane: Sheldon
Adam Harris: Young Jesse

Script edited by: Shellie B.
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 01/09/2002