Joey is reading in the living room. Michelle comes in from the kitchen in her pedal-car, and suddenly stops.
Michelle: Car broken
Joey: (getting up from his chair) Car broken? Okay, let's check it out.
Joey presses Michelle's tummy and back.
Michelle: (makes the noise of a car engine that won't start)
Joey: Yeah, it's broken, all right. (lifting Michelle's left arm) well, this is loose we'll tighten this up, (lifts up her other arm) and this needs a little oil (Joey pretends to put oil under Michelle's arm) Okay, let's try it again.
Michelle: (makes the car engine noise followed by a vroom). Thank you, Joey.
Michelle starts pedaling away, but Joey stops her.
Joey: Wait a minute, lady. you forgot to pay your bill.
Michelle kisses him.
Joey: Here's your change. ( Joey kisses her).
Michelle starts driving again until she gets to the front step, then turns around to Joey, who shrugs.
Joey, Jesse, Michelle and the Rippers are in the basement.
Jesse: All right, boys. Let's try that "Pounds Away" diet jingle one more time, but this time, I've got a little addition. All right, everyone got their places? One, two...
Michelle: Buckle my shoe.
Jesse: No, Michelle. Like we practiced, okay? When I point to you, you do your part. Got it, babe?
Michelle: Got it, dude.
Jesse: One, two, one, two, three.
Jesse and The Rippers: Well, she got in her dad's car and she got to a hamburger stand out, she threw away with the fries and milkshakes, she had it in her hand, now.
The Rippers: ( in the background) She lost weight, yeah, she looks really great,
Jesse and The Rippers: And when she looked in the mirror she goes to "Pounds Away as soon as she can, now.
The Rippers: ( in the background) She lost weight, yeah, she looks really great,
Jesse and The Rippers: And now with Pounds away, you won't be fat no more!
Jesse points to Michelle.
Michelle: Bye bye fat!
The Rippers: Ooh, Pounds away, you won't be fat no more!
Jesse points to Michelle.
Michelle: Bye bye fat!
The Rippers: Ooh-ooh
Michelle: Bye bye fat
The Rippers: Ooh-ooh
Michelle and The Rippers: Bye bye fat!
Jesse: Yeah! Good job fellows. Go work on your hair.
The Rippers leave.
Jesse: Well, Joseph, you think that will motivate people to go on a diet?
Joey: Hey, it works for me. Let's go get some pizza.
They head for the stairs. DJ comes downstairs.
DJ: Hi, guys.
Jesse: Hi, Deej, how was school today?
DJ: Great. Listen to my English homework. All I have to do is observe a member of my family for one day and then write a report about what they do.
Joey: Great, who are you going to pick?
DJ: Someone who's interested in nothing but fun and toys.
Jesse: Must be Joey.
DJ: no, Michelle. (to Michelle) Michelle, do you mind if I follow you around and observe that you do all day?
Michelle: Okay, come with me.
DJ: Where are we going?
Michelle: My room! Now!
DJ: Observation number one - subject has an attitude.
DJ and Michelle go upstairs. Stephanie comes down.
Stephanie: I'm home. I got kept after school. I had sit at my desk with my head down and the lights off, and I wasn't allowed to say a word for fifteen minutes. That's a new record for me. Seeya, boys.
Steph goes upstairs. Jesse and Joey follow.
Joey: Come back here, young lady.
Jesse: Steph, why were you kept after school?
Stephanie: Well, some kids were calling Walter Berman "Duck-Face"
Jesse: Hold it. Were you one of these some kids?
Stephanie: It wasn't only me, it was the whole class.
Jesse: That's no excuse, young lady.
Stephanie: Well, if you saw Walter, you'd call him Duck-Face, too. He's always making these duck-lips like (she purses her lips like a duck).
Joey: (laughing) Kid sound like a quack-up!
Stephanie: You should have seen it. The whole class was going (starts walking around like a duck)" quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack,(sees Jesse)( flatly) quack. Well, you had to be there.
Jesse: Stephanie, let me tell you a little story about your uncle Jesse. When I was a kid everyone used to tease me. They called me Zorba the Geek.
Joey: (bursts out laughing) Zorba the Geek! (sees Jesse staring at him) Kids can be so cruel.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, you were a geek?
Jesse: Let me tell you something. The day I turned thirteen, my body flipped out. My nose outgrew my face, my ears outgrew my nose, I was your basic Mr. Potato Head.
Joey: So before you were a stud, you were a spud. I'm not helping, am I? Listen to your Uncle Jess.
Joey goes into the living room.
Jesse: What I'm trying make is, those kids really hurt my feelings, so I know how Walter feels and I think it would be a good idea if you called Walter and apologized.
Stephanie: (shocked) Me? Call Duck-Face?
Jesse: Yes, you call Duck fa- Walter.
Danny comes in.
Danny: I'm home!
Stephanie: Daddy, I'm so happy to see you.
Stephanie hugs him.
Danny: Dorothy was right. There's no place like home.
Stephanie: Just because I teased Duck-Face at school, Uncle Jesse's making me call him.
Danny: Honey, you know it's wrong to hurt someone's feelings. I think your Uncle Jesse's handling this just right.
Stephanie: Okay, I'll call Walter and tell him I'm sorry. Then I'll invite him round for some soup and quackers! (laughing) I kill myself!
Stephanie: I'm sorry I had to get it out of my system.
She goes upstairs.
Jesse: I'm going to go track down Duck fa- Walter's phone number. (He goes upstairs, too.)
Joey comes in from the living room.
Joey: Hey, Danny. What's going on?
Danny: Oh, lots of stuff. Becky's out of town tomorrow and I need someone to co-host my show. You got any ideas?
Joey: Yeah, me. This works out perfect, I'm headlining at the "Laugh machine" this weekend and I could use the publicity. Let me help you with that jacket. (He takes Danny's jacket off and puts in on a chair.)
Danny: (sitting down at the table) I don't know. I was kind of lenient towards that tall pretty blonde that does the evening news.
Joey: He's awful! Danny, you need someone who knows you as well as you know yourself. (He puts Danny's feet on a chair) Someone who lives in your house and helps you raise your kids. (He starts massaging Danny's neck)
Danny: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Joey: There's only one logical choice.
Danny: Yeah, but do you think Jesse could do it?
Joey massages Danny really hard on the back of his neck.
Danny: Joey, take it easy, I'm just having fun with you. I talked to everyone at work, you got the job.
Joey: I did?
Joey: Great! Yes! You know you should have kept me going. ( he pulls the chair from under Danny's legs) You were this close to getting your car waxed.
Upstairs, DJ and Michelle walk into the girls' room.
Michelle: (Shaking her stuffed animals' hand in turn) Hello, hello, hello, hi! Goodbye.
DJ: Whoa, slow down, Michelle. Observing you is supposed be easy. So far you've played with all your animals and then flushed every toilet in the house. Why don't we take a nap?
Michelle: Okay, nap-time.
DJ: Bless you.
DJ and Michelle lie on DJ's bed and close their eyes.
Michelle: Nap over!
DJ: I feel refreshed.
Stephanie and Jesse come in. Michelle runs through Jesse's legs and out of the room.
Jesse: Whoa. How's your report going, Deej?
DJ: The question is where is my report going.
Jesse: Okay, Steph, time to call Walter and apologize.
Stephanie: (whispering) I can't talk. I've lost my voice.
Jesse: (whispering) Oh, then I guess we'll just have to go over Walter's house and apologize in person.
Stephanie: My voice is back! It's a miracle!
Jesse: Hallelujah. (dialing Walter's number) All right, trust me on this one, Steph. You'll feel good, Walter will feel good and I'll feel good because I thought of the idea. (into the phone) Hang on a second. ( to Stephanie) Here you go.
Stephanie: (into the phone) Walter? This is Stephanie Tanner, and I'm really sorry. Well, nice talking to you.
Stephanie tries hanging up but Jesse stops her.
Jesse: Don't you think you should mention what you're sorry for?
Stephanie: (into the phone) I'm sorry I quacked at you.
Stephanie tries hanging up again but Jesse stops her.
Stephanie: (into the phone) And called you Duck-Face and threw little pieces of bread at you.
Jesse: You threw pieces of bread at the kid? Steph, he's not a real duck! Tell him he's a very nice boy.
Stephanie: (into the phone) Walter, you're a very nice boy. You're welcome. (to Jesse) anything else?
Jesse: Is there anything else you would like to say?
Stephanie: Yes, there is.
Jesse: Good girl.
Stephanie: (into the phone) Want to say hi to my Uncle Jesse?
Jesse: No, Steph.
Stephanie: (into the phone) Here he is.
Jesse: No, Steph, (into the phone) Hi, Walter, how are you? (to Stephanie) Stephanie! (into the phone) Oh, you've got a snake? (to Stephanie) Stephanie! (into the phone) He ate a mouse? Mmmm, that's good eating.
The following morning, in the living room.
Danny: Joey! Come on, we're going to be late!
Joey comes in from the kitchen putting his shoe on.
Joey: Danny, what is the big rush?
Danny: Joey, you know I always leave the house at exactly 7:48. Now, thanks to you, I'm already two minutes late.
Joey: (pointing to what looks like a clock on the wall) What are you talking about? We are right on time.
Danny: Joey, that's a barometer.
Joey: Well, then we'd better get going, there's a hurricane brewing. (the doorbell rings) I'll get it.
Joey opens the door to a boy pursing his lips like a duck.
Joey: Hi, can I help you?
Walter: Good morning. Stephanie Tanner home?
Joey: Steph! Your friend's here.
Walter: My name is Walter F. Berman.
Joey: And my name's Joseph A. Gladstone.
Danny: And I'm Danial E. Tanner.
Walter: Nice to meet you fine gentlemen.
Danny: Well, come on in. You kids have a nice day at school. Seeya later, Steph.
Danny and Joey leave. Stephanie comes in from the kitchen.
Walter: Hi, Stephanie.
Stephanie: What are you doing here? Walking through my living room. (Walter sits down) Sitting on my couch?
Walter: I wanted to thank you in person for calling me yesterday to apologise.
Stephanie: Well, it was just something I had to do.
Walter: So you really think I'm a very nice boy?
Stephanie: (slowly) Uuuuuuh, yeah.
Walter: This is marvelous! I never thought I'd have a friend, and now I have a girlfriend!
Stephanie: You do? Who?
Stephanie: (shocked) Me?
Walter: (putting his arm around Stephanie) Walter plus Stephanie equals true love. Forever.
Stephanie: Forver? Walter, about this girlfriend thing.....
Walter: It's exciting, isn't it? I can't wait to tell the whole second grade that you're my girlfriend. Oh, man , I feel four feet tall. (He heads for the door)
Stephanie: Wait! You can't tell anyone that I'm your girlfriend.
Walter: Oh, I get it. You mean you want it to be a secret?
Stephanie: Yeah, top secret.
Walter: Ooh, a secret girlfriend. What does that mean?
Stephanie: Well, It means we'll never talk to each other, we'll never look at each other , we'll NEVER hold hands. We'll be total strangers.
Walter: Okay, but you're still my....
Walter: (Whispering) secret girlfriend.
Stephanie: Well, I guess I won't talk to you later. (She walks over the the front door and opens it.)
Walter: ( taking off his glasses) You know what I'm doing now?
Stephanie: I'm afraid to ask.
Walter: I'm giving you a secret kiss in my mind. (Walter leaves)
Upstairs, Michelle runs into her room with DJ's paper. DJ follows.
DJ: Michelle, give me back my paper, so I can write down that you stole it.
Michelle: My paper!
DJ: Michelle! (DJ bumps her knee on Michelle's cot) Ow! Ow. Ow.
Michelle: (giving DJ her paper back) I sorry.
DJ: That's okay, Michelle
Michelle: DJ got a boo-boo?
DJ: Yeah, I broke my knee.
Michelle: I make it better.
Michelle kisses DJ's knee.
DJ: Aw, thank you, Michelle.
Michelle: All better?
DJ: All better.
Michelle: Okay, more fun.
Michelle grab's DJ's paper and runs out of the room. Stephanie comes in.
Stephanie: (yelling) Have you seen your Uncle Jesse?
DJ: Check his room.
Stephanie: If I wasn't so steamed I would have thought of that!
She leaves the room, and storms into Jesse's room.
Stephanie: (yelling) May I come in? Thank you! You made me call Duck-Face and now he thinks I'm his girlfriend! He kissed me in his mind! I this gets out at school I'm a dead duck! Have a nice day!
Stephanie storms out leaving Jesse looking confused. On the 'Wake Up San Francisco' set.
Producer: (to Danny) Ten seconds.
Danny: Where the heck is Joey? How can he be late, I drove him here?
Producer: In four, three , two, one....
Danny: Wake up, San Francisco. I'm Danny Tanner. Rebecca Donaldson is on an assingment today, so filling in for her is a man who needs no introduction because he's not here.
Joey comes in and sits down.
Joey: Sorry, Danny this wasn't my fault the doughnut guy was late.
Danny: Well, as you can see, we are going to have a lot of fun today, because my co-host is one of the hottest young comics around, and one of my closest friends, and that's not just showbiz talk. This is Joey Gladstone.
Joey: Hey, come on, cut it out. Danny, did you mention that I'm headlining at the "Laugh Machine" this weekend with a special late show on Saturday?
Danny: Probably not, since we've only been on the air for twenty seconds. Ten of which, you missed.
Joey: Great! Now would be a perfect time to mention that I'll be headlining at the "Laugh Machine" this weekend with a special late show on Saturday.
Danny: Cut it out. Well, Joey, it's time to bring out our first guest. He is the author of this book "Hug Your Way to Happiness" and he is my personal hero. Please welcome hug therapist, Doctor Rubin Wynager.
Doctor Wynager comes onto the set and hugs Danny, then Joey, the Danny and Joey hug eah other.
Danny: There's a lot of love on this set. Doctor?
Dr. Wynager: Thank you, thank you. You can tell so much by the way people hug, and I feel something's wrong here. Is one of you hurt or supressed in any anger?
Danny: Well, to be honest, there are a few points I'd like him to take more seriously, like punctuality.
Joey: Well, life's a little too short to be ruled by a clock.
Danny: How would you know that ifyou tell the time on a barrometer?
Joey: I'd rather be a free spirited guy than someone who polishes his shoe tree.
Danny: Hey, I don't polish them, I wax them ( to Doctor Wynager) Well, they're wooden, you have to protecet your shoe trees.
Joey: Oh, what? a woodpecker get loose in your closet? Come on (He stands up)
Danny: Joey, there's no need to stand up, we're on TV.
Joey: Well, the people at home should know how merrotic you are,
Danny: I am not merrotic, I am not merrotic,
Danny and Joey start arguing.
Dr. Wynager: Guys! Guys! Didn't you read my book? Hug Your Way to Happiness? Now, hug. Come one hug. Come on.
Danny and joey hug.
Dr. Wynager: Now say something nice to each other.
Joey: I think it's great that you recycle.
Danny: And I think it's great you'll be headlining at the "Laugh Machine" all this weekend (to the camera) with a special late show on Saturday.
Back in the Tanner household, Jesse and Michelle are in the kitchen. Michelle takes Jesse's sandwich and takes a big bite.
Jesse: Are you having a nice time young lady? This happens to be my sandwich and this is your sandwich, (he gives her a smaller sandwich) Kapish?
Jesse looks impressed. DJ comes in.
DJ: Hey, guys. Michelle, guess what? I read my report about you in class and I got an A! give me five!
Jesse: All right! so it was a good idea using the baby?
Michelle: I'm not a baby I'm a big girl!
Jesse: Ooh, big girl. Excuse me Miss Tanner.
DJ: She's right, Uncle Jesse. You know, Michelle, I'm really glad I got to hang out with you. And we haven't spent that much time together since I started Junior high.
DJ: So, you're like a little person, now. You're sensitive, compassionate, and you're actually smarter than most dogs.
Michelle sticks her tongue out.
DJ: But you still gross me out.
DJ leaves. Stephanie comes in.
Jesse: Hi, Steph.
Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: Steph, how was school today?
Stephanie: Oh, just dandy. Walter still think I'm his secret girlfriend. He was giving me kisses in his mind all day. Ew!
Jesse: Steph, I'm sorry. But apologising to Walter was the right thing to do.
Stephanie: If it was the right thing, how come my life is a mess?
Jesse: Well, just because you did the right thing, it doesn't mean your life's going to be perfect. You do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. So if Walter thinks that you're his girlfriend, you just tell him you guys are just friends, but tell him nicely. No duck jokes.
Stephanie: No more advice please. I thought grown ups were supposed to get you out of trouble, not get you into it. (the doorbell rings) Those are my friends. They're here to work on a bug project. Excuse me.
Steph goes into the living room.
Jesse: When you're done come up to my room, you and I are going to have a little chat, okay?
Stephanie: Okay. (She opens the door to...) Walter!
Walter: Good afternoon, Stephanie.
Stephanie: This is supposed to be a secret!
Walter: Nobody knows I'm here, except my mum, and I told her it was strictly business. Here. (He gives Steph some flowers)
Stephanie: Thank you, they're very pretty. But I'm very busy, so thank you good night and good luck. (she takes Walter's hand to lead him to the door.)
Brian, Harry and Laurie come in.
Brian: Oh, it's Duck-Face!
Harry: (to Stephanie) you dumped me for Duck-Face?
Laurie: Mr and Mrs. Duck-Face.
Brian: They're going to get married and live in a pond!
Walter: We're not getting married! Stephanie's just my secret girlfriend!
Stephanie: (groaning)Oh, Walter.
Harry: So it's true, you are Mrs. Duck-Face.
Brian, Harry and Laurie start quacking and teasing them. Jesse watches them from the landing upstairs.
Stephanie: Stop it! Stop teasing me! I'm not his secret girlfriend! I'm not his any kind of girlfriend!
Brian: Oh, yeah? Prove it! Call him Duck-Face and throw him out!
Harry: Yeah, quick, before I walk out of your life forever.
Stephanie: No, I'm not going to call him Duck-Face!
Laurie: Oh, so he is your boyfriend.
Stephanie: No, He's not my boyfriend! (She walks over to Walter) but he is my friend.
Walter: I am? I'm your secret friend?
Stephanie: No, Walter, you're my everybody-can-know friend. (to the others ) And if you were friends you wouldn't tease him, either.
Brian: Why not? It's fun.
Stephanie: Oh, yeah? Was it fun when you got hurt during recess and everyone called you "Cryin' Brian"? I wouldn't laugh, Harry. Remember when you got that bad haircut and everyone called you Salad-Bowl-Head? What's so funny miss milk-through-her-nose-on-parent's-day twice!
Stephanie: It doesn't feel so great to be teased, does it?
Brian, Harry and Laurie: No.
Stephanie: Walter, would you stay and be part of our group?
Walter: I'd enjoy that! And thanks for sticking up for me.
Stephanie: Sometimes you just have to do the right thing, right group?
Stephanie: Good answer.
Jesse runs away from the landing.
Stephanie: I'll be right back.
Steph heads up the stairs. Jesse runs into his room jumps onto his bed and picks up the phone pretending to be in the middle of a conversation.
Jesse: Really? Yeah. Yeah?
Stephanie comes in.
Jesse: Hi, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, can I talk to you?
Jesse: (into the phone) Bye, thank you. (to Stephanie) Yeah, sure, pal. How did it go downstairs?
Stephanie: Great, how did it go watching us from upstairs?
Jesse: You caught me , didn't you?
Stephanie: Yeah. Uncle Jesse I have something to tell you. You were right. It feels terrible to be teased. Are we still friends?
Jesse: Of course we're still friends, why wouldn't we still be friends?
Stephanie: Because I got so mad at you. I was never going to trust you again.
Jesse: Stephanie Tanner, you can always trust your Uncle jesse. I may not do everything you like, and I may make mistakes once in a while, but I'm always going to be on your side. I just want you to grow up to be the best little person you can be. Let me tell you something, right then, you were about as good as it gets, kid.
Stephanie: When I grow up, I want to be just like you. But wear dresses.
Jesse and Stephanie hug.
Jesse: Now that's a hug!
Stephanie: And if anyone ever calls you Zorba the Geek again, you just tell them to see Mrs. Duck-Face.
Jesse: Duck kiss.
Jesse and Steph do duck-lips and kiss.
First shown: 1989
Directed by: Bill Foster
Written by: Lenny Ripps
Dr. Wynager: : Max Alexander.
Walter: Whitby Hertford
Harry: Nathan Nishiguchi
Brian: Malachi Pearson
Laurie: Jenny Drugan.
Script edited by: Netanel Epstein
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever