Full House Scripts - Season 4

Episode 071 * The I.Q. Man


We find Michelle in her room reading to Comet
Michelle: And then the princess said all these words. The end.
Danny: (from the hall) Michelle!
Michelle: Daddy's coming! No barking!
Comet barks
Michelle: Sh! (Michelle gets under the covers with Comet. Danny enters)
Danny: Michelle, honey did you tuck yourself in already?
Michelle: Daddy I'm sleeeeping.
Danny: Well first I want my goodnight kiss. (Danny uncovers the blanket and Comet comes out and licks him)
Danny: Michelle, what wet lips you have. How did Comet get in your bed?
Michelle: You got me.
Danny: You know the rules, no dogs in bed.
Michelle: You're in big trouble, mister!
Danny kisses Michelle

We find Stephanie and Michelle in the kitchen.
Stephanie: I'm not gonna sneeze...I'm not gonna sneeze....ahhh...thank you nose. (Stephanie sneezes)
Michelle: Happy New Year!
Stephanie: It's not a holiday Michelle. I have a horrible cold.
Michelle: I'll make you all better. (Michelle puts Comets water bowl on the table, and goes into the refrigerator gets a piece of chicken, and puts it in the water)
Stephanie: What the heck are you doing?
Michelle: Making you chicken soup.
Jesse and Joey enter
Joey: You ready to pitch that big account today, Jess?
Jesse: Lookin' good Joseph.
Joey: Lookin' sharp Jess.
Jesse: I am pumped.
Joey: I am psyched.
Jesse and Joey hive five each other and are about to smash heads
Jesse: Hold it. I'm not going in there with a dented head.
Joey: Good thinking. Steph, give my love to the third grade. We're out of here.
Jesse: We're gone.
Stephanie: Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
Jesse: We're back.
Stephanie: Don't worry, it's just my nose, my throat, my ears, my chest. Eight years old and I'm falling apart.
Joey: That's it no school for you today young lady. Get your PJs on and up to bed.
Stephanie: But we're supposed to see a filmstrip on how they make cheese. You know? That bed is sounding better and better. (Stephanie leaves)
Michelle: Finish your soup young lady!
Michelle leaves, Kimmy enters
Kimmy: Howdy boys!
Jesse: Oh good, Kimmy's gone country.
Kimmy: (Yelling) DJ!
DJ comes downstairs
DJ: Hi Kimmy! Oh guys I'm glad you're here.
Danny walks in
DJ: I'm in charge of career day. Will you guys come down to my school next week and talk about advertising?
Joey: Yeah sure Deej.
Jesse: We're there for ya babe.
Jesse and Joey go downstairs
Danny: I'm there for ya too, babe!
DJ: Well, thanks Dad, but you're probably busy.
Danny: Ooh, I'm never too busy to inspire the youth of America. I guess this is where it pays off really big having a dad who's the star of 'Wake Up San Francisco' huh?
Kimmy: Tell him.
DJ: I can't. Look how happy he is.
Kimmy: Yeah, he is happy. I'll tell him. We don't need you Mr. T. We already booked a big TV star.
Danny: Bigger than me?
DJ: Jimmy Chung said he could get his Aunt Connie.
Danny: Connie Chung? You booked Connie Chung for career day? I've been trying to get her on my show for years!
Kimmy: Tell ya what. Have your people, call my people.
Danny: DJ...
DJ: I know Dad, make new friends.

We now find Joey, Jesse, Mr. Malatesta, and the client in Joey's room, where they will pitch their idea to the client
Joey: We'd really like to thank you for switching the meeting to our house.
Jesse: Yes I'm sure you'll find it was worth the inconvenience.
Ms. Garland: I'm sure I will.
Jesse: I'm gonna go get ready in the 'getting ready' area. Excuse me.(Jesse leaves)
Mr. Malatesta: Wait till you see what my boys have cooked up for you. Take it away Gladstone.
Joey: Thank you, Mr. Malatesta. Miss Garland, my partner and I are gonna make your new men's cologne "IQ" the 'smell of the 90s'
Stephanie comes down
Stephanie: Joey! Joey! This sneeze juice is backing up into my ears.
Joey: Excuse us. It's time for her nose drops. Tilt back, Steph.
Stephanie gets on the floor and bends back
Joey: She's very limber. Okay fire 1! Fire 2!
Stephanie: It's working! Hey, I can breathe again!(She sniffs)
Stephanie: Something's really stinky.
Joey: Well, we know it's not the 'smell of the 90s'.
Michelle comes down with a cup of water with an orange in it
Michelle: There you are. I made you some orange juice.
Stephanie: It uh..sure does look fresh!
Michelle: You get back to bed, right now. Move it!
Stephanie: But
Michelle: :
Michelle: I said move it, mister!
Stephanie goes upstairs
Michelle: Kids!
Michelle leaves
Joey: Okay...we fade in on an elegant library. We pan over to a portrait of a goddess draped in but a wisp of chiffon. As the classical music swells, a great intellect enters. The suave, classy, debonair, IQ Man!
Jesse comes downstairs with glasses on and a book
Jesse: I want to know if I can live with what I know? And only that.
Joey: As the IQ man ponders that thought..
Jesse: Hmm...
Joey: A dream like mist fills the room. Suddenly, the goddess in the painting comes to life. She's drawn to the IQ Man by a mysterious power. There's something about him I can't resist. Is it his eyes?
Jesse takes off his glasses
Joey: Is it his smile?
Jesse smiles
Joey: Is it...
Jesse: Stop! If you must love me, love me for my IQ!
Joey: IQ. Now available in biodegradable roll on.
Ms. Garland: That made absolutely no sense at all. It's the perfect cologne ad! You got the job!
Jesse: Thank you. Thanks very much
Joey: Uh, Jesse and I will direct the commercial.
Jesse: Right, and uh we'll find the perfect IQ Man for you.
Ms. Garland: Oh you've already found him...you.
Jesse: (In high pitched voice) Me? (Clears throat) Me? Naw, I'm not a model.
Ms. Garland: You're hot.
Jesse: Naw...
Ms. Garland: You're sexy.
Jesse: No..
Ms. Garland: You've got great hair.
Jesse: Okay you've got one. But, no, I would feel silly.
Joey: He would love to do this!
Ms. Garland: Wonderful.
Jesse: Excuse us a second, won't you? Joseph. (Jesse puts his fingers in Joey's nostrils as he drags Joey away)
Jesse: I'm not doing this! I'm not gonna prance around like some smiling slab of beef.
Joey: Jess, this is the biggest break of our careers! Now don't blow it just because you have this weird hang-up about beef!
Mr. Malatesta: Katsopolis, let me explain your options to you. Either do it, you do it, or you do it.
Jesse: What was the second one again?

We find Becky, and Danny in the living room, as Kimmy and DJ enter
DJ: Hi Dad. Hola Becky.
Danny: Hi girls.
Becky: Hi.
Danny: Well have a great career day. Send my regards to Connie Chung.
Kimmy: Boy Mr. T, you sure do look snappy in Earth tones.
Danny: What do you want, Gibbler?
DJ: Dad remember Jimmy Chung? The pathological liar?
Danny: Oh, I'm just taking a shot here but uh, you couldn't get his Aunt Connie, huh?
Kimmy: He doesn't have an Aunt Connie.
DJ: His name's not even "Chung"
Danny: Well, what do you know? Looks like you two are in the market for a major TV star. Oh Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy. Why don't you have your people call my people, huh?
Becky: I'll do it!
DJ: Thanks Becky!
Kimmy: Be there right after lunch.
Becky: Okay.
Danny: Woah woah, girls. Can't a guy make a joke? You know I don't have any people. You're my people.
DJ: It's okay Dad, you can do it. I should've asked you in the first place. I just got caught up in "Chung Mania"
Danny: Didn't we all?

We now find Jesse and Joey entering a bathroom set
Jesse: What is this? This isn't what we ordered. We ordered a library set, not a bathroom set.
Joey: (In a megaphone) Okay strike it! Strike the set! Who's responsible for this?
Mr. Malatesta: This was Miss. Garland's idea.
Joey: (In megaphone) Okay people, back to work. C'mon let's move it, let's go.
Ms. Garland: I just couldn't see the IQ Man in a library, in fact the more I thought about it, the more I saw you in the uh, shower.
Jesse: Why would I wear a smoking jacket in the shower?
Ms. Garland: Exactly. That's why you'll be wearing this.(She takes out a towel)
We now see Jesse and Joey shooting the commercial
Joey: And action!
Jesse sticks his head out of the shower curtain
Jesse: I want to know if I can live with what I know? And only that.
Jesse quickly pulls his head back and shuts the curtain
Joey: Cut, cut cut cut cut...Jesse, the concept is the IQ Man, not the IQ Head.
Jesse: Too bad, the head's all you're getting!
Joey: Maybe a little ice cold water will help him over his shyness.
Joey turns on the water, forcing Jesse to come out
Jesse: Woah! Okay, I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.
Ms. Garland: No, no, no need to dry off. In fact, I'd like to see your body wetter.
Joey: The wetter the better!
Jesse: Excuse us, won't you? Joseph, hop on!
Jesse once again grabs Joey by the nostrils and drags him away
Jesse: You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm nothing but a Big Mac in a bath towel. Joey I am not a hamburger. I happen to be a human being.
Joey: Jess, buddy, as long as I'm the director, you will be treated with dignity and respect.
Jesse: Thank you.
Joey: Okay hose him down!
A man comes in and starts to hose Jesse down
Jesse: Ho ho hold it! Watch the hair!
Assistant: : Take 2.
Joey: Okay this time give me more steam. And, action!
Jesse opens the curtain and steam comes rolling out
Jesse: I want ...
he coughs I want to know, if I can live
he coughs again with what I know? And only that.
Model: There's something about him I can't resist..is it his eyes?
Jesse defogs his glasses
Model: Is it his smile?
Jesse smiles
Model: Is it his:
Jesse: Stop! If you must love me...love me for my I..my I...I'm in a bath towel! I'm in a bath towel, here!
Joey: C'mon Jess, what is the problem?
Jesse: It's not working okay?
Ms. Garland: He's right, it's not working.
Jesse: Thank you.
Ms. Garland: That towel is much too big.
She takes out scissors
Jesse: Cut! Cut! Not you! Not you!
She starts chasing Jesse around the set with scissors
Jesse: Woah! Mr. Malatesta, can you help me out here, please?
Mr. Malatesta: She's the client.
Jesse: She's chasing me with scissors!
Mr. Malatesta: So, stop running!
Jesse: I will not stand here and be exploited by you!
Mr. Malatesta: Katsopolis, as long as you are working for me, you will do exactly what she says.
Jesse: Okay, from now on we don't work for you. We quit.
Mr. Malatesta: You're making a big mistake!
Jesse: The biggest mistake I ever made was working for a spineless jellyfish like you!
Mr. Malatesta: What!?
Joey: Sir you know, in uh, many parts of the world a spineless jellyfish is considered a delicacy!
Jesse smacks Joey
Jesse: Let's go.
Mr. Malatesta: You're a good man Gladstone. You know just when to kiss up.
Joey: I am a kiss up, aren't I?
Mr. Malatesta: One of the best.
Joey: I sold you out, didn't I?
Jesse: Joey you hosed me down. Joseph we're partners, and friends.
Joey: This man is not a hamburger. And I am not a side of fries, and you sir are a...Chicken McNugget!
Jesse: Joey you going to quit or order a happy meal?
Joey: We're quitting!
Jesse: That's my partner..c'mon, we got better places to be.
Joey: We just lost our jobs, where are we going?
Jesse: Career day.

We now see DJ's classroom. Danny and Becky are about to talk
Danny: Wake Up Van Atta Junior High! I'm Danny Tanner!
Becky: And I'm Rebecca Donaldson! And this is basically what we do. We talk to each other.
Danny: And to our guests. And we listen..and we..
Becky: Finish each other's sentences!
Danny: Okay, now looking as I am right now at your beautiful shiny round little faces. I am reminded of my first job in television. I was
Assistant: stock boy at Antenna Town. And you know, it reminds me of a long story that:
Becky: Danny look! Our first question.
Kathy: How tall is Connie Chung?
Danny: Connie Chung is not here...I am, and I'm 6'4''. Thanks a lot.
Kimmy: Yeah but if she were here, how tall would she be?
Kathy: Who does Connie's hair?
The class starts asking questions about Connie Chung all at once
DJ: That's it! Let's face it, Connie Chung couldn't make it so just get over it.
Jesse and Joey come in
DJ: Oh look who's here! From the exciting world of advertising, Jesse Katsopolis and Joey Gladstone. Come on down!
To Danny and Becky Thanks guys.
Danny: Thanks guys? That's it for me and Rebecca? The butcher had 10 minutes.
DJ: Sorry Dad, but class is almost over. And the butcher gave out midget salamis.
Everyone in the class holds up the salamis
Danny: Hey I'm not above bribes. In fact, maybe these kids would like some autographed pictures of me. I brought the pictures, and I have a special felt marker and everything.
Becky: Danny, it's over.
DJ: Take it away boys!
Jesse: Thank you, thank you...thank you.
Joey: Thank you.
Jesse: Hehehe...Hi. You know, when you really stop and think about it, this whole career thing is overrated. There are more important things in life, right Joey?
Joey: Sure like a uh, well balanced breakfast.
Jesse: Right. Or really cool sunglasses.
Joey: Uh..strong water pressure in the shower.
Jesse: That's a good one.
Joey: Yeah.
Kimmy: Did you guys lose your jobs or something?
Jesse: Zip it, Gibbler.
Joey: We have something much more important than jobs.
Jesse: Yeah.
Joey: We have our integrity.
Kathy: How much does that pay an hour?
The bell rings as everyone leaves
Joey: So remember kids, always keep your heads held high, and always carry exact bus change! And remember, no running in the hallways!
Danny: I think you really moved them.
DJ: I feel so bad for you guys. What happened?
Jesse: Oh our boss just pushed us too far. We quit.
Danny: Look, I'm the last one to give advice...okay I'm the first one. Maybe you guys should go into business for yourselves. You could write and market your own commercials, and direct them for your own production company.
DJ: Yeah we just learned about this. Why don't you guys get a small business loan?
Becky: That's a great idea. I mean you've got the experience, the talent, the contacts. All you need is to rent some equipment.
Danny: And find some studio space.
DJ: And print up some business cards!
They all start cheering
Jesse: Congratulations! We have our own business.
Joey: Yeah..
Jesse: What the hell just happened? We now see Stephanie reading a piece of paper, as Michelle comes running in
Michelle: Tissue! Tissue! Tissue!
Michelle grabs the piece of paper and blows her nose in it
Michelle: Thank you!
Stephanie: How rude!
Michelle: You gave me your cold. Take it back.
Stephanie: No can do. Once it's out of my nose, it's out of my hands.
Michelle gives her a look
Joey enters
Joey: Hi girls.
Stephanie: Hi Joey.
Joey: How are you Michelle?
Michelle: She makes me sick!
Stephanie: What she means is, I gave her my cold.
Joey: Well I'm sorry you got Stephy's cold, but you know the good news? Since you took such good care of Stephy, I'm sure Stephy is going take really good care of you. Right Steph?
Stephanie: Nice guilt trip Joey
Joey: Yeah it was, wasn't it? Bye girls.
Joey leaves
Stephanie: In the words of Michelle Tanner, you upstairs, into bed, move it mister! Move it!
Michelle: Chill out dude!

We now see Joey in the kitchen as Jesse walks down
Jesse: Hey Joey. Got bad news for JJ Creative Services. The bank turned down our business loan.
Joey: How could they do that?
Jesse: Oh I don't know, maybe because we have no experience running our own business, no collateral, no credit rating. Why do you think they turned us down?
Joey: Hey just because you're cranky and unemployed don't take it out on me.
Danny comes downstairs
Danny: Guys, I heard about what happened at the bank, and I think I have a way to make you feel better.
Jesse: Oh no, don't tell me you're gonna sing the "Impossible Dream" again.
Danny: No, I am just gonna hum it while you take a look at this.
Danny starts humming as he takes out a check
Jesse: This is a personal check from Danny Tanner.
Joey: Danny stop humming! Why are you giving us all this money?
Danny: Because I believe in you guys. After all you've done for me, I'm happy to do this for you. But this is not a gift, it's an investment. I want to be a partner in your success.
Jesse: Wow that's a lot of money, you are so... Did you say partner?
Danny: Well, silent partner. C'mon what do you say? I'll be totally closed mouth. No butting in, I'll keep my nose out of it, mind my own business. My lips are sealed! Not a peep out of me.
Jesse: If you would shut up for one minute we could tell you that, you're in.
Danny: Alright! JJ and D Creative Services! Of course the D is silent..
Danny starts humming
Danny: Sing boys.
They all start humming


Episode Information:
First shown: 1990
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Marc Warren & Dennis Rinsler

Guest Cast:
Mr. Malatesta: James Hampton
Ms. Garland: Jeannie Wilson
Kathy: unknown
Model: unknown

Script edited by: Amanda
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 04/03/2007