Full House Scripts - Season 4

Episode 079 * Secret Admirer


We find Michelle eating cookies at the kitchen table when Jesse walks in.
Jesse: Shorty!
Michelle: Yes?
Jesse: Did you just eat the creamy middle out of that cookie and put the two ends back together?
Michelle: Yes!
Jesse: You ate the middle out of every cookie in this cookie jar?
Michelle: Next time only buy the middle!

We find Danny in the kitchen when there's a knock at the door.
Danny: be right there! Coming! Hey, Cindy.
Cindy: Hi!
They kiss.
Danny: Rusty!
Rusty: Hi, Danny.
Danny: Welcome to the First Annual Tanner Family Quality Time Barbecue!
Cindy: Well, thanks for inviting us, even though we're not officially family.
Danny: Cindy, we've been dating over a month, you dry clean my shorts. You're family.
Cindy: Well, here's my semi-legendary, homemade apple pie.
Danny: I can smell it from here. I can't wait.
Danny takes the lid of the plate with the pie.
Danny: Apparently someone else couldn't wait either.
Cindy: Rusty!
Rusty: Sorry mom, it was a long car ride.
There's a knock at the door.
DJ: Don't get it, I've got it! Don't get it, I've got it.
DJ and Kimmy come downstairs.
Danny: DJ, what's going on?
Kimmy: It's the paper boy, Ricky.
DJ: How do I look?
Kimmy: Hungry for love.
DJ: Perfect.
DJ opens the door.
DJ: Hi, Ricky!
Ricky: Hi! I'm here to collect for the paper. Uh, $3.50, Mr. Tanner.
Danny: Sorry, Ricky, all I have is a 20.
Ricky: I don't have any change.
DJ: That's ok, keep it!
Ricky: Cool!
Danny: Um, what my incredibly generous daughter means is, keep a dollar and come back for the rest, okay.
Ricky: (To DJ) Thanks for trying. I'll be back.
DJ: I'll be here! I'll see you then! Toodeloo! (She closes the door) Toodeloo? I'm such a geek!
Rusty: Mr. and Mrs. Ricky paperboy.
Rusty makes kissing sounds.
DJ: Grow up!
Danny: Cindy, isn't this cute. They're fighting just like brother and sister.
DJ and Rusty: Ew!

We find Rusty in DJ and Stephanie's room. Michelle walks in.
Michelle: Hey, Mister, what are you up to now?
Rusty: Well, I'm just typing a letter. And you can help me deliver it. Like a mailman.
Michelle: I'm very busy today.
Rusty: Tell you what, little lady, I'll give you this bright, shiny, new, penny.
Michelle: Don't be cheap, give me a nickel!
Rusty: Well, you drive a hard bargain, but here you go.
Michelle: Thank you very much.
Rusty: Okay, now take this letter into the kitchen and give it to your sister. Now, here is the fun part. Tell her it's from Ricky the paper boy.
Michelle: But that's a lie!
Rusty: Here is another nickel.
Michelle: You got a deal, dude.
Michelle leaves the room.
Rusty: This is going to make DJ crazy!
Rusty laughs evilly.

Stephanie walks into the kitchen, just as Michelle walks in.
Michelle: This is for my sister.
Stephanie: Who gave this to you?
Michelle: I do not lie! It was Rusty! But I'm keeping the money!
Stephanie: (Thinking while she reads the letter) I've loved you secretly for a long time. When I see you in the house my heart burns with passion. I can't live without your love? Signed, Hot for you?
Stephanie: Ew, gross!
Michelle: Why did you say ew, gross?
Stephanie: Because, Rusty loves me!
Michelle: Ew, gross!
Michelle runs out of the kitchen.
Stephanie: (Thinking) If anyone finds out I got a love letter from that doofus, I'll die!
Cindy: Be right back, Danny!
Cindy comes in.Stephanie quickly hides the letter in the laundry basket.
Cindy: Oh, hi, Steph! Uh, your dad wants the air freshener.
Stephanie: In the backyard?
Cindy: Yeah, he says it doesn't smell woodsy enough.
Stephanie: That's my dad, you gotta love him.
Cindy: Yeah.

Stephanie goes outside when Joey comes up from his room.
Joey: Cindy, how's the most beautiful dry cleaner I've ever known?
Cindy: Joey, what did you spill?
Joey: Ketchup on my shirt, mustard on my pants, I've gotta stop making sandwiches in the car.
Cindy: I'll take it out to my van so I don't forget.
Joey: Cindy, you are the best!
He kisses her on the cheek.
Joey: Oh, by the way, I left a little note in there for you. It explains everything.
Cindy walk out of the room, reading the letter Stephanie put in the laundry basket.
Cindy: (Thinking while she reads the letter) His heart burns with passion? He can't live without my love? Joey's hot for me?
Danny: Cindy!
Cindy hides the letter between some papers on the table, just before Danny walks in.
Danny: Cin, you gotta come smell the backyard, it's pine forest fresh.
Cindy: Uh, I will, I just have to take out Joey's laundry. Oh, and it means nothing to me, nothing.

Cindy walks to the door and opens it. Becky is standing there.
Becky: Hi!
Cindy: Ooh, I'm taking Joey's laundry out to my van.
Becky: Well then, thank you for sharing that. Hi! I'm sorry I'm late. Oh, and the Jello didn't gel yet.
Danny: Oh, hey, that's okay, we can just tell everyone it's lime soup. Becky, do me a favor, take a look at some notes I made for tomorrow's show. I'm thinking about some changes that may affect us both. Let me know how you feel, okay?
Becky: sure, I'll look at them right now.
Danny: Great, I'll go put out some soup bowls and croutons for your Jello.
Danny walks out.

Becky: (Thinking while she reads the letter) Oh my god, Danny can't live without my love? If Jesse finds out, he'll kill Danny. Hmm, I would have my own show.
The door opens and Jesse walks in.
Jesse: I went to four different stores trying to find Danny low -sodium Gherkins. He's getting dills, and he's gonna like them. I need a kiss.
Jesse and Becky kiss. While doing so, Becky quickly hides the letter in a book.
Becky: (Thinking) I have to hide this. I've got to keep him kissing me. I know what he likes.
Jesse: (Thinking) Ooh, I like that.
Jesse: What are you doing behind my back?
Becky: Uh, nothing.
Jesse: Wait a sec, wait is that?
Becky: Oh, uh, library book. Wouldn't you know, Kimmy Gibbler. And a month overdue, boy that child is out of control.
Danny walks in.
Danny: Oh, Jess, where you been with my pickles? I've been worried sick.
Jesse: Where do you think I been? You sent me on a wild Gherkin chase. All I could find where dills. Here, enjoy.
Danny: Jess, dills? My entire menu is based around the Gherkin. You're just going to have to go to Pickle Town.
Becky: (Thinking) Danny's trying to get rid of Jesse, so he can be alone with me.
Jesse: Come on, you got dills, Gherkins, what's the difference, who cares?
Becky: I care, I care deeply. Jess, I'll go bring the car around.
Danny: well, as long as you're going to the store, let me go check the fridge and see if we need any other condiments.
Jesse: Oh, where are you going to send me now, Mustard City?
Danny: Hey, it is right across from Pickle Town.
Kimmy comes downstairs and Danny leaves.
Kimmy: Oh, Jesse, if you're going out, can you pick me up a copy of Teen Hunk? It has a scratch-and-sniff ad for New Kids on the Block Cologne.
Jesse: A, I don't buy Teen Hunk, and 2, here, little surprise in there for you, Kimbo.
Jesse walks into the kitchen. In the doorway, he meets Michelle.
Michelle: I got two nickels, what but with this?
Jesse: A dime.
Michelle: That's it?

Kimmy: (Thinking while she reads the letter): Whoa baby! Jesse's hot for me? And why not? I'm twice the woman Becky is!
Kimmy puts the letter on the sweater next to her.
Kimmy: You better be nice to me, kid. If I, uh, marry your uncle Jesse, I could be your Aunt Kimmy.
Michelle: (Thinking) No way, JosÚ.
Michelle: No way, JosÚ.
Kimmy: I better go glam up for my man. Time for a little gloss and floss.
Kimmy walks into the kitchen.

Becky walks back in.
Becky: Jess, what's taking so long?
Jesse walks in.
Jesse: Ah, Danny wanted me to get a few more things.
Becky: Oh, I forgot my sweater.
Jesse: I'll get it.
Becky: Thanks.
Jesse: (Thinking while he reads the letter) A love letter to Becky? When I see you in the house? This must be from Danny or Joey.
Jesse: I don't believe this letter.
Michelle: Me either. (Thinking) I gotta learn to read.

We find Jesse and Michelle on the couch in the living room.
Jesse: Michelle, my dearest little niece. Could you go in and ask your daddy and Joey to come in here please?
Michelle: It will be my pleasure.
Michelle goes to get them.
Becky: Jess, are you still in there?
Jesse: Yeah.
Becky comes in.
Becky: Honey, I thought we were going to the store.
Jesse: There's been a change in plans. Guys!
Becky: (Thinking) Does Jesse know Danny gave me that love letter?
Jesse walks in with Danny and Joey.
Jesse: Gentlemen,
Jesse: (Thinking) I'm going to find out right now which one of my best friends is a back-stabbing weasel.
Jesse: Okay, which one of my best friends would like to escort my fiancÚ to Pickle Town?
Danny: Hey, I'll go. Come on, Becky.
Jesse: (Thinking) Aha, so Danny's the weasel who wants my Webecca. Rebecca.
Joey: Danny, you got a million things to do; I'll take Becky.
Jesse: (Thinking) Maybe Joey's the real reasel. Weasel.
Cindy walks in.
Cindy: Joey!
Joey: Oh, hi, Cindy! Uh, you wanna take a ride to the store?
Cindy: (Thinking) With the man who's trying to steal me from Danny?
Cindy: Oh, sorry, I haven't smelled the backyard yet.
Cindy goes to the backyard.
Danny: You know what, this is just stupid. I'm just going to call Pickle Town, they deliver.
Joey: 30 minutes or less or your pickles are free.
Joey and Danny go to the kitchen.
Jesse: Becky, you and I need to talk.
Kimmy appears on the stairs.
Kimmy: Hello, Jesse.
Jesse: What do you want, Gibbler?
Kimmy: (Thinking) Good, pretend you don't like me. Becky will never suspect you wrote me that love letter.
Kimmy walks to Jesse and Becky and she winks.
Jesse: Kimmy, you got some gunk in your eye.
Kimmy: Becky, I just want you to know that whatever happens, I just want us to be friends.
Becky: Thanks, Kimmy. That's very reassuring.
Kimmy: (Thinking) That's what you say now. Wait until that rock is on my finger.

We find Michelle in her room with a book.
Michelle: (Thinking): I'm gonna learn to read if it kills me.
Michelle: This is a "A", this is a apple, so what?
Rusty comes in.
Rusty: Hey, kid. Did you deliver the letter I wrote to your sister?
Michelle: Yes, I did.
Rusty: And what happened?
Michelle: Everything went bananas!
Rusty: I love it! You did it, Michelle! Way to go, kid! Goochie, goochie, goochie! You know we make a great team,
Michelle: (Thinking) I gotta get a lock for my door.
We find DJ on her bed when Stephanie comes in.
Stephanie: DJ, you're never going to believe this. Rusty wrote me a love letter.
DJ: Ew, gross.
Stephanie: What is he thinking? He's 2 years older than me, and he's a complete cootie-burger. I'm gonna go dump him.
DJ: Steph, wait a sec. Maybe I should talk to him. It's just possible Rusty might actually have feelings.
DJ and Stephanie: Nah!
Rusty walks in.
Rusty: Hey, Steph. What's up?
Stephanie: How rude!
Stephanie leaves.
DJ: Rusty, have a seat. Let's you and I have a talk. Let's talk about love.
Rusty: Okay.
DJ: Now, I understand you're ready for a girlfriend. But in my opinion, you need a girlfriend who's older, more mature.
Rusty: Ohh-kay.
Danny: (Shouting from downstaris) Come on, everybody in the kitchen!
DJ: Just think about what I said, okay?
Rusty: (thinking) She's all over me!
DJ: We'll talk later.
DJ leaves.
Rusty: (thinking) That babe is hot for the Rust-man!
We find Danny in the kitchen with Joey, Becky, Cindy, Stephanie, and Kimmy.
Danny: Okay, come on, everybody, lend a hand; it's time for the First Annual Tanner Family Quality Time Barbecue. Come on, let's go, everybody in line. Oh, this is great; It's like one big Love Train! People around the world, join hands (uhh)! Start a Love Train! Love Train.
They all go outside.
Joey: Great, I'll be the caboose!
Joey makes a train whistle sound.
Becky: Joey, stop.
Joey: You wanna be the caboose?
Becky: Joey, you're the only one I can talk to about this. If Jesse ever found out, he'd go crazy.
Joey: Beck, you can trust me.
Becky: I know, you're so sweet. Oh, how do I say this. Joey, you know sometimes, a friend becomes so close to another friend, that, it turns into love. Which wouldn't be so bad if one of those friends was engaged to be married. Joey, is this making any sense?
Joey: Complete sense.
Joey: (Thinking) Holy cow, Becky's in love with me?
Jesse walks in.
Jesse: What are you guys doing?
Joey: Oh, uh, I was, uh, checking her pulse. Yup, she's very healthy.
Becky: Mm, boy those hot dogs smell good.
Becky goes outside.
Jesse: (Thinking) Now I know it's Joey. I'll kill him.
Joey: (Thinking) Good thing he doesn't know. He'd kill me.
Jesse and Joey both laugh and go outside.

We find Danny at the grill with Becky.
Becky: We need to talk about this letter. I know it's a bad time to bring it up, but I just had to get it out into the open.
Danny: (thinking) Becky's in love with me? Why do I have to be so darned attractive?
Becky: Hide the letter! Jesse's coming!
Danny: Here, you don't know me, you never saw me, now go.
Danny sticks the letter under Michelle's hat.
Danny: Hi, Jess!
Jesse: (thinking) I thought it was Joey, but look at that silly, guilty grin. Maybe it's Danny. I'll kill both of them and sort it out later.
Becky: Here's your burger, honey.
Kimmy: Hi, Jesse. I saved you a seat.
Jesse: Kimmy, you gotta do something about that eye of yours.
Cindy: (thinking) I've gotta tell Joey he doesn't have a chance with me.
Cindy: Joey, (thinking): Just be honest. You have salad dressing on your shirt.
Joey: Oh, gee, thanks.
Cindy: Wait, uh, no, there's more.
Joey: Really, where?
Cindy: Uh, no, Joey, sometimes the wrong people fall in love. It's not anybody's fault, it just happens. I don't want Danny to get hurt, so let's just try to control our burning passions, alright?
Joey: I'll try my best.
Danny: Come on guys, time for barbecue fun!
Danny and Cindy walk away.
Joey: (thinking) First Becky falls for me, now Cindy? Boy, this New Kids on the Block Cologne really works!

Everyone sits down at the table.
Danny: Welcome to the First Annual Tanner Family Quality Time Barbecue! I can't say that enough! Now, exactly what is quality time; I would define it as time that we all get to spend together,.........
Stephanie: (thinking) One false move and Rusty gets a weenie in his ear.
Rusty: (thinking) DJ is such a babe.
DJ: (thinking) Why is Rusty staring at me? Do I have something stuck in my teeth?
Danny: What am I getting at here, quality....
Danny: (thinking, while he's talking): I've got to figure out what to do about Becky falling in love with me. It's a good thing I can ramble on for hours and hours and hours.
Becky: (thinking) Look at Danny, babbling on the outside, burning with passion for me on the inside.
Jesse: (Thinking) Look at these 2 weasels. One can't shut up and the other one needs a bib. I'd be doing mankind a favor when I kill them.
Kimmy: (Thinking) Mrs. Kimmy Katsopolis. Sounds so geeky. I'll have him take my name. Mr. Jesse Gibbler.
Joey: (Thinking) I sure hope Becky and Cindy don't fight over me right here. Although it could be fun I we built a mud pit.
Cindy: (Thinking) Joey is sweet, but I like Danny. My, he's such an elegant speaker.
Michelle: (Thinking) Boring, boring, why is my daddy so boring?
Comet: (Thinking) Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.
Danny: So, to make a long story short, let's just sit back, although be careful, there's no backs on your chairs, and relax, and enjoy some fun quality time together.
Michelle: Daddy, can I take this love letter off my head now?
Jesse: Michelle, where'd you get this letter?
Michelle: Daddy gave it to me.
Jesse: So you sent this letter to Rebecca?
Danny: Hey, Becky gave that letter to me!
Jesse: What?
Becky: Wait a minute, you gave me this letter first!
Cindy: Joey, don't just sit there, you know you wrote this letter to me!
Joey: What letter?
Kimmy: That's the letter my Jesse sent to me!
Jesse: Yeah! Your Jesse?
Stephanie: I got that letter from Rusty; he's in love with me!
Rusty: No way! I love DJ, and she loves me!
DJ: Who are you people and where's my real family?
Everyone starts talking at once.
Jesse: Hold it, ho, ho, ho, hold it, hold, everybody just knock it off! Now, somebody wrote that letter and I want to know who it is right now!
Michelle: I know who!
Jesse: You do? Who?
Michelle: It was Rusty!
Rusty: She's lying!
Cindy: Rusty!
Rusty: Okay, I'm lying. I wanted DJ to think it was a love letter from the paperboy.
DJ: The little rat!
Everybody talks at once.
Rusty: Pretty funny, huh? I'm glad you all can take a joke. You all can take a joke, can't you?
Michelle: You're in big trouble, mister!
Rusty runs.
Jesse: Come here, Rusty!
Becky: Get him, Jesse!
Everyone follows Rusty except DJ.
Michelle: Rusty! Don't run away from me, young man!

Ricky walks into the yard.
Ricky: Hi!
DJ: Hi, Ricky!
Ricky: Hi. Here, I brought back your dad's change.
DJ: Oh, thanks.
Ricky: So, uh, barbecue?
DJ: Yeah, it's kind of a family togetherness thing.
The rest of the family comes running by.
Michelle: Wait for me, wait for me, wait for me!
DJ: They're just working up an appetite. Well, if you're hungry, dig in!
Ricky: Great, thanks! You know, I really am glad I came back.
DJ: Me too.(Thinking) Oh my lanta!
The family runs around the table, chasing Rusty.

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1990
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Ellen Guylas

Guest Cast:
Cindy: Debra Sandlund
Rusty: Jordan Christopher Michael
Ricky: R.J. Williams

Script edited by: Abby Swanson
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 16/02/2014