Full House Scripts - Season 4

Episode 090 * Stephanie Plays The Field


Michelle is coloring in her coloring book when Danny comes home with the groceries
Danny: Hey Michelle, will you please help me put away the groceries?
Michelle: It will be my pleasure.
Danny: Well, thank you very much.
Michelle looks in the bag, gasps, and sticks a bag of cookies up her shirt.
Michelle: (singing) I'm going for a walk, it's no big deal.
Danny: Gee, Michelle, wait a second. I could have sworn I had a bag of cookies in there for after dinner. Do you have any idea where they went?
Michelle: Are they peanut butter chocolate chip?
Danny: Yes, they are.
Michelle: I never saw them.
Danny: I wonder where those cookies could be. Could they be under this shirt?
Danny removes the cookies from under Michelle's shirt
Michelle: How did they get there?
Danny: I don't know. Maybe the Cookie Monster put them there, huh?
Danny starts playing with Michelle
Danny: Should you have cookies under your shirt?
Michelle: (laughs) No.
Danny continues playing with Michelle as the camera fades out

In the Tanner kitchen, Danny is cleaning off Rusty's baseball bat
Danny: And rotate.
Rusty rotates the bat as Danny continues cleaning it off. Meanwhile, Stephanie, DJ, and a boy walk in
Stephanie: Hello.
Danny: Hi.
Stephanie closes the door on DJ
DJ: (from outside the door( Hey!
DJ walks in
Stephanie: Sorry, Deej. Didn't see you.
DJ: I've been following you for 3 blocks. How come you didn't say hi?
Stephanie: I did.
DJ: This...(waves her hand in a "scat, get lost" motion) is not saying hi.
Danny: Steph, I see we have company. Aren't you going to introduce us?
Stephanie: Oh, sorry, Dad. (dreamily) This is my Brett. (snaps out of it) I mean, my friend Brett.
Brett: Hi.
Danny: Hi, I'm her dad.
Brett: Nice to meet you.
Danny: Nice to meet you too.
Stephanie: Brett plays for the Cubs. Last year he hit .421, had 6 stolen bases, and only made one error, but it wasn't his fault because the ball hit a rock. (to Brett) Did I get that right?
Brett: Perfect.
Rusty: This year us Giants are going to kick your...
Danny: (interrupting) Rusty...
Brett: I've got to get to practice. I'll see you at school tomorrow.
Stephanie: I'll look for you by the water fountain, Brett.
Brett: Bye.
Stephanie: Bye.
Brett walks out
Rusty: (imitating Stephanie) I'll wait for you by the water fountain, Brett. (sing-song) Stephanie's in love.
Stephanie: No, I am not! Can I help it if we both like water?
DJ: Steph, you were kind of drooling over Brett.
Stephanie: I was? (wipes her chin)
DJ: It's just an expression. Come on, we need to talk.
DJ and Stephanie go upstairs
Danny: Rusty, today's an important day for you, son. I'm going to teach you how to slide without getting dirty.
Rusty: That's impossible, Coach.
Danny: Not if you Scotchgard before every at-bat.
Rusty gives Danny a confused look

Meanwhile, in DJ and Stephanie's room...
Stephanie: Isn't Brett mega-cute? Don't you love his curly brown eyelashes? Do you think he likes me?
DJ: Well, it's hard to tell. Boys at that age are so immature. Actually, boys at any age are immature.
Stephanie: It's weird. I mean, boys were always chasing me and I never really cared. But whenever I'm with him, my heart goes, (imitating a heartbeat) "Brett-Brett, Brett-Brett, Brett-Brett". How do I get him to be my boyfriend? What do I do? What do I say? What should I wear? Maybe I should change my hair color.
DJ: Steph, get a grip. All you need to do is hang out together. What do you both like?
Stephanie: Well, we both like the pork and beans in the cafeteria. And we both like to pick out that cube of fat that's always in it.
DJ: There's a love connection. Now keep thinking. What else does he like?
Stephanie: Brett loves baseball.
DJ: Well, you're good in sports. Why don't you try out for Little League? You know you can be on Dad's team.
Stephanie: Brett and I could talk about baseball all day! Deej, you're a genius.
DJ: Of course, I'm an experienced woman.
Stephanie: You know, it's amazing that a woman with your experience doesn't have a boyfriend.
DJ: Well, I'm playing hard to get.
Stephanie: Oh. Well, you're doing a really good job.

Meanwhile, in the attic, Jesse and Becky are walking in
Becky: Oh, Jess, our first night in our new apartment. You know, honey, you did a really terrific job with the attic.
Jesse: You haven't seen my piece de resistance.
Jesse grabs a remote control, points it at the wall, presses a button, and the wall comes down revealing their bed
Becky: Ooh, that is really tacky. But I love it.
Jesse and Becky kiss while Michelle walks in
Michelle: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Katsopolis.
Jesse: Oh goodie, Michelle's here.
Jesse hits the remote again, pulling the bed back into the wall
Michelle: It's time to play.
Jesse: Michelle, we already played down in your room.
Michelle: Now we can play in your room.
Becky: Michelle, your uncle Jesse and I, well, we'd sort of like to be alone.
Michelle: (looks around the room) We are alone, silly.
Jesse: All right, Michelle. You want to play a game? Let's play Airplane, OK?
Michelle: Yay!
Jesse: (picks up Michelle) All right, we've been cleared for takeoff, and she's up. And here we go. (imitates airplane) There's no peanuts, there's no movie, but there's plenty of room for landing outside the door. Thank you for flying Air Katsopolis. Have a nice day.
Jesse closes the door and locks Michelle out
Jesse: Now...where were we?
Jesse and Becky kiss again, while Michelle is trying to open the door
Michelle: (from outside the door) Hey, you locked me out!
Jesse: Good night, Michelle. We'll see you in the morning.
Michelle: Fine, I'm leaving! But you're going to miss me!

Meanwhile, down in Joey's room, Joey is figuring out his taxes as Michelle walks in
Michelle: Joey, I am very mad!
Joey: Hold on just a second, Michelle. How could I possibly owe this much in income tax? Hmm, do you think maybe they'll believe that I had a $10,000 business lunch at the Sizzler?
Michelle: Don't you want to know why I'm very mad?
Joey: OK, why are you very mad?
Michelle: Uncle Jesse locked me out!
Joey: Now why would Uncle Jesse do something like that?
Michelle: I don't know, I'm a fun girl.
Joey: Well, I'm guessing, Michelle, but I think Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.
Michelle: What is privacy?
Joey: Well, privacy means that they just want to spend some time together, just the two of them.
Michelle: What are they doing in there?
Joey: Well, they're, uh...they're doing their taxes.
Michelle: Are they going to do their taxes every night?
Joey: For the first couple of months.
Michelle: I don't like this one bit.
Joey: Well, maybe I can help you with this, Michelle.
Michelle: We'd better go now, this is serious.
Michelle grabs Joey's hand and pulls him along
Joey: OK, OK.

Back in the attic, Jesse and Becky are making love with romantic music playing in the background
Becky: Jess.
Jesse: Rebecca.
Becky: Jess.
Jesse: We're nuts.
Jesse and Becky kiss, as someone knocks on the door
Jesse: It's the kid again. All right, kill the music. This time I'm getting tough. (sweetly) We're sleeping, honey.
Joey: (from outside the door) Then why are you talking, angel?
Jesse: It's the big kid.
Jesse opens the door, Joey walks in carrying Michelle
Joey: Jess, Michelle has a big problem.
Joey sets Michelle down
Jesse: Yes, Michelle? What's your problem?
Michelle: You tell him, Joey! I'm too mad!
Joey: Well, Michelle thinks you don't have time to spend with her anymore.
Michelle: I'm madder than that!
Joey: (to Michelle) Oh, sorry. (to Jesse)> Have you no decency?! All this sweet little girl wants to do is spend some time with her aunt and uncle who she loves. Is that too much to ask? I think not!
Michelle: Much better.
Jesse: Michelle, now, your aunt Becky and I love you very, very, very much. We're sorry if we hurt your feelings, but we need to spend some time alone.
Becky: Michelle, I have an idea. How about if the three of us set aside some special time every day for you to come up here and play?
Michelle: I like that.
Becky: All right, it's a deal.
Michelle: OK, Joey. Let's go play.
Joey: I can't, Michelle. I have to do my taxes.
Jesse: Have you no decency?! All this sweet little girl wants to do is hang out with her pal Joey who she loves very much. Is that too much to ask? I think not!
Joey and Michelle walk out as Jesse locks the door behind them and returns to Becky

In the backyard, Danny, Stephanie, and Rusty are practicing baseball
Danny: Steph, honey, I know you like hanging out with your dad, but do you really want to try out for Little League?
Stephanie: Dad, I've done some serious thinking, and I've decided that baseball is my life.
Rusty: You just like baseball because Brett likes baseball. I bet you can't even throw.
Stephanie: I can too!
Stephanie fires a pitch into Rusty's glove, Rusty removes his glove and shakes his hand in pain
Rusty: Ow! Whoa, this babe's got an arm!
Danny: Hey, my daughter is not a babe. But she does have an arm. Steph, let's try something here. Rusty, come here. Give me the ball, son. Grab youself a bat, and I want you to stand in there. Steph, I want to wind up really hard and pitch one into me right now.
Danny positions himself behind Rusty, assuming the catcher's position, as Stephanie winds up and delivers another fireball into Danny's glove. Rusty didn't even bother to swing
Rusty: Whoa! Did you see that ball curve?
Danny: I sure did. Steph, how would you like to pitch for the Giants?
Stephanie: Great! Thanks, Dad.
Danny: Now what are we going to call that pitch of yours?
Rusty: The Tanner Twister. This Saturday, we're going to kill the Cubs.
Stephanie: Yeah, we're going to destroy them. We're going to cream them. We are going to make the Cubs eat dust! I love being a jock.
Danny gives Stephanie the ball as the camera fades to the next scene

That Saturday at the Tanner residence, Joey is fixing breakfast as Danny and Stephanie are getting geared up for the game
Joey: Come on down, everybody! Breakfast is ready!
Danny: Michelle was so excited I told her she could be bat boy at the game today.
Michelle comes downstairs dressed as Batman
Michelle: Daddy, I'm here.
Danny: Michelle, You're not fighting crime. You're handing out baseball bats.
Michelle: Aw, nuts. Can I still wear the cape?
Danny: Sure, sweetheart.
DJ walks in
DJ: Stephanie, guess who's here to see you.
Stephanie: Who?
DJ: (imitating heartbeat) Brett-Brett. Brett-Brett. Brett-Brett.
Stephanie: DJ, please.
Stephanie walks over to the living room and sees Brett sitting on the couch
Stephanie: Doesn't he look great in that uniform?
DJ: Yes, but don't let him know that. Be cool.
Stephanie: Got it.
Stephanie walks over to Brett
Brett: Hey Steph.
Stephanie: Hello. You look great in that uniform.
DJ: Beginners.
Brett: You know, it's too bad our teams are playing each other opening day.
Stephanie: Yeah. I hope you win. I hope we win too. I hope it's a tie.
Brett: Want to see what I wrote on my bat?
Stephanie: S.T. with a heart around it?
Brett: S.T. for Stephanie Tanner.
Stephanie: Oh, Brett. Does this mean what I think it means?
Brett: I hope it means you're my girlfriend.
Stephanie: All right! I mean, that's cool.
Brett: Well, good luck today.
Stephanie: Good luck to you too.
Brett: Thanks, I'll need it. I heard nobody can hit the Tanner Twister.
Stephanie: Yeah, I even struck out my dad.
Brett: Oh no, my whole family's going to be there. If I get struck out by my own girlfriend, I'll never hear the end of it.
Stephanie: You probably won't strike out.
Brett: I hope not.
Brett heads out the door and then stops
Brett: I'd hate to even say this, but if you threw me a couple easy ones, I'd be sure to get a hit.
Stephanie: Isn't that cheating?
Brett: Kind of. Or it could just be a girlfriend helping a boyfriend.
Stephanie: Well, you could look it that way...
Brett: Great. Thanks for helping, Steph. See you at the game.
Brett leaves, Danny walks in
Danny: So Steph, what did Brett want?
Stephanie: Oh, he just came by to wish me good luck.
Danny: Come on, honey. Let's eat. Star pitchers need their energy.
Stephanie: Dad, what would happen today if, say, I didn't pitch too well? Like if I gave up a couple home runs or something?
Danny: Steph, I don't want to put any pressure on yourself. All that matters is that with every pitch you throw, you're doing the best you can, OK?
Stephanie: OK.
Danny kisses Stephanie and she gives out a heavy sigh

At the game, the Cubs are up to bat with one strike against them
Danny: OK, Steph. Strike him out!
Stephanie tosses the Twister and the batter swings and misses; strike 2. Jesse, Becky, and DJ cheer in the audience
Danny: Come on, Steph!
Michelle: Hey batter, batter, strike out!
Someone in audience: Get 'em, Stephanie!
Stephanie throws another pitch, another swing and another miss
Umpire: Strike three!
Michelle: Thank you very much!
Joey: The Tanner Twister strikes again. That brings up "Dangerous" Brett Davis. Davis hit a double his first time up.
Mr. Davis: Come on, Brett! You can do it!
Stephanie waves sheepishly at Brett
Danny: Come on, Steph! Fire it in there!
Mr. Davis: Come on, Brett! Don't let me down!
Stephanie fires a pitch, Brett hits it
Joey: It's a shot to the left. It's going, it's going, it's gone! Kiss that baby goodbye!
Brett runs around the bases, while Stephanie has a very disappointed look in her face
Michelle: That was not very nice!
Brett hits home and tips his helmet to Stephanie
Danny: Don't worry, Steph. We'll get him next time.
The scene moves later into the game
Joey: Now the score is 1-1 at the top of the 5th. Giants have a runner on 3rd, and coming up to the plate is the girl with the golden arm, Stephanie Tanner!
Michelle: Take the blue one. It's prettier.
Stephanie: Thank you, bat girl.
Michelle: Just doing my job!
The crowd cheers wildly as Stephanie walks up to the plate
Michelle: Make me proud of you!
Danny: Come on, Steph!
Danny does a series of awfully goofy gestures that leave Stephanie with a confused look on her face
Danny: That means hit it, honey. Come on, we have a man on 3rd. Bring him home!
Stephanie hits the ball to the shortstop. Shortstop throws to first
Umpire: You're out!
one of Stephanie's teammates hits home as Jesse and Becky come down into the field
Jesse: She was safe by a mile! Who's paying you to throw this game? You got a kid on the team? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Becky: Jess, don't make a scene.
Jesse: Danny, do something. That was the worst call I have ever seen in my life!
Danny: Jess, I was standing right there. She was out.
Jesse: Oh. Then why don't you get us better seats? I can't see a thing from where we're at.
Becky: Stay in your seat, and I'll buy you a snow cone.
Jesse: I like cherry.
Joey: Once again, a reminder. Family members are prohibited from coming onto the field and embarrassing themselves and their loved ones.
Jesse smacks Joey upside the head as the scene moves to the last inning

Later, at the bottom of the last inning...
Joey: Well, folks, it's all come down to this. The score is 2-1 in favor of Tanner's Giants. We're in the bottom of the last inning, two out, runners on 2nd and 3rd, and stepping up to the plate is "Dangerous" Brett Davis. Tanner's had problems striking him out all day long. You could cut the tension with a knife. (to the vendor behind him) Yo, buddy, hot dog.
Stephanie fires in a strike
Joey: Strike one. She blew that right by him.
The audience does the wave
Mr. Davis: Come on, son! It's all up to you!
Brett shrugs at his dad
Danny: Pitch it to him, Steph! Right in there, honey!
Stephanie throws another strike
Umpire: Strike!
Joey: Strike two. Well, the Giants are one strike away from winning this game. Can you stand this excitement?
Brett shows Stephanie the heart on his bat with the letters S.T. inside of it
Stephanie: Time out!
Danny: Ump, time out!
Danny runs over to Stephanie
Danny: Need to talk to me, Steph?
Stephanie: Not really. I need to talk to DJ It's a woman thing.
Danny: Enough said. DJ!
DJ steps down from the bleachers
Joey: Well, it looks like Manager Tanner is bringing in another pitcher. No, actually, he's bringing in another daughter. Here comes DJ Tanner. She's editor of her school paper, loves the mall, and spends hours in the bathroom.
DJ: Joey!
Joey: Sorry!
Danny: Deej, tell her to throw the Twister, OK?
DJ runs over to Stephanie
DJ: What is it? This is embarrassing.
Stephanie: I'm in trouble. Brett wants me to throw him an easy one so he can get a hit.
DJ: Oh, I get it. If you strike him out, you might lose a boyfriend. But if you let him get a hit, you'll be letting your whole team down. Tough one. Well, good luck!
Stephanie: DJ, wait. What do I do?
DJ: Well, you have to decide what's more important, self-respect or true love.
Stephanie glances over at Brett who looks at her back
Stephanie: This would be a lot easier if he wasn't such a babe.
DJ looks over at Brett and then heads back to the bleachers
Michelle: Play ball!!
Joey: All right, folks. We're finally ready for the moment of truth. One more strike and the Giants win. But if Brett gets a hit, the Cubs could win. What a nailbiter! (to the vendor behind him) Hey, nachos, over here. Bring whatever's left.
Mr. Davis: Come on, Brett! You can do it!
Stephanie throws the final fateful pitch...
Umpire: Strike three!
Joey: She Struck him out! The Giants win the game! The Giants win the game!
DJ runs onto the field and hugs Stephanie
Joey: (to the vendor) Can I get this stuff to go? Yeah!
Jesse, Becky, Danny, and Michelle run out to the field to congratulate Stephanie. Jesse lifts Stephanie up on his shoulders as Brett throws down his batting helmet in disappointment
Michelle: We're #1! We're #1! We're #1!
as Michelle continues chanting, Stephanie looks over at Brett in concern

later, at the Tanner residence, Stephanie and Comet are sitting on a bench in the back yard
Stephanie: Comet, the next time you see me liking a boy, talk me out of it.
Brett stops by
Brett: Hi, Steph.
Stephanie: Brett, what are you doing here?
Brett: I kind of forgot to say, nice game.
Stephanie: Thanks. I'm sorry for striking you out, but the team was counting on me.
Brett: I understand. If I were you I would have struck me out too.
Stephanie: Really? You're not mad at me?
Brett: No. I'm lucky you're not mad at me. I should never have asked my girlfriend to cheat for me.
Stephanie: I'm still your girlfriend? All right! I mean, that's cool. So what do you want to do now?
Brett: I don't know. Want to go inside and watch the Sports Channel?
Stephanie: Sounds good to me.
Stephanie and Brett head inside, as Comet starts barking
Stephanie: Comet, about me not liking boys anymore, I was just kidding.


Episode Information:
First shown: 1991
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Mark Fink

Guest Cast:
Rusty: Jordan Christopher Michael
Brett: Sean Fox
Base Umpire: Jack Lightsy
Brett's Dad: R. Todd Torok
Plate Umpire: James Clayton

Script edited by: Chris Flemmer
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 11/06/2005