Full House Scripts - Season 5

Episode 103 * Happy Birthday, Babies (1)

No Teaser

Michelle walks into the attic.
Michelle: (singing) Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me. Where is everybody?
Jesse and Becky walk in.
Jesse: We're right here, Michelle.
Michelle: (singing) Happy birthday to me. Isn't there something you'd like to say to me?
Jesse: Michelle, we said happy birthday to you at breakfast and everywhere else we've seen you today.
Michelle: But I'm five years old. This is a very big day!
Jesse and Becky: (wearily) Happy birthday, Michelle.
Michelle: (sadly) don't say it if you don't mean it.
Jesse and Becky: (happily) Happy birthday, Michelle!
Michelle: Why, thank you. is it time to start my party yet?
Becky: (checking her watch) No, you still have two hours and twenty nine minutes to go.
Michelle: How long is that?
Jesse: Two Sesame Streets and a Mr. Rogers.
Michelle: Oh, I'll never make it.

Joey, Danny, Stephanie and DJ are in the living room which is covered in party decorations. Michelle, Jesse and Becky come downstairs.
Michelle: Let's start the party now!
DJ: Michelle, your little friends aren't here yet.
Michelle: Who needs them? We've got cake, we've got balloons, let's do it!
Danny: I know what we can do till your friends get here, we can take your official birthday picture for you baby book. Jess, you grab the book, Joey, you set up the shot, and I'll grab the camera. This is going to be the best picture I ever took.
Michelle sits in an armchair, with Joey behind her. Danny hold the camera to his eyes.
Danny: Okay, now give me a big five-year-old smile.
Joey and Michelle smile.
Danny: Not you, the other five year old.
Michelle: Cheese.
Danny takes the picture, which pops out of the camera. Jesse gives Danny Michelle's baby book.
Jesse: All right, Michelle, this has everything in your whole entire life, starting from the day you were born.
Becky: (looking at the first page) Look, Michelle, there's your birth announcement and your hospital bracelet.
Michelle: (pointing to a tube) what's this?
Danny: This is your very first tube of diaper-rash cream. I used to rub it on your little tushy.
Michelle: Dad!
Jesse: (pointing to a photo) look at this. this is a picture I took the day Joey and I moved in.
Joey: Remember the first time we tried to change Michelle's diaper?
Jesse: Are you kidding? I still have nightmares!

We get a flashback from "Our very first Show". Jesse and Joey are in Michelle's room.
Joey: Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed?
Jesse: Check it out. Go.
Joey: (looking at the inside of the nappy) We have a winner. Now what?
Jesse: Joseph. Put yourself in her place. What would you want done?
Joey: I've never changed a diaper.
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out; I'll show you how it's done. (to Michelle) Come here child. You believe this guy? (to Joey) All right, make yourself useful.
Joey: I'll take the south end.
Jesse: Good.
Jesse and Joey leave the room, holding Michelle and head downstairs.
Joey & Jesse: ( climbing down the stairs) Step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two.
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out. Okay, keep it coming.
Stephanie: (in the front room) Showtime!
Jesse and Joey walking to the kitchen with Michelle, followed by Stephanie.
Joey: Where will we put the baby?
Jesse: Where will we put the child?
Joey: Uh, the pot, over here.
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a livingthing. You don't stick it in a pot; use a meat rack.
Joey: I'm an idiot.
Jesse: Uh, come on.
Joey: Okay.
Jesse: All right, good.
Joey: All right, great.
Jesse: Settle down here; here we go.
Stephanie: Are you going to cook Michelle?
Joey: We're changing her diaper.
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey?
Jesse: Steph! Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. All right, careful there.
You're in control. All right, slide it off and... ugh!
Joey: Uh... uh... (puts the dirty diaper into a plastic bowl and covers thebowl)
Jesse: Good thinking, Joey, keep it fresh.
Joey: Okay, hold her up; I'll clean her off.
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle, all right. (Joey tries to shoot water at Michelle to clean her off...) You're missing! You're missing! You're missing! All right now, come on, gently now, gently now, gently... There we go. This is great; we should be mothers.
Joey: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: All right, let's dry her up.
Joey: Okay. Fan her. Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny.
They put Michelle in front of a fan and turn it on to dry her.
Joey: You know these babies have it made? I would kill for this kind of service.
Jesse: All right, diapers.
Joey: Diaper... diaper
Jesse: Where are diapers?
Joey: Diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: Diapers, diapers...
Jesse: Diapers...
Joey: (holding up a roll of paper towels) Hey, super absorbent.
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now what?
Joey brings over the role of paper towel.
Joey: Okay, spin her.
Jesse: Spin her.
Joey: Spin her.
Jesse spins round inside the paper towels wrapping him and Michelle.
Jesse: Spin her. All right, now, wrap her up in this, come on. Put her right in here. (puts Michelle's bottom half, now wrapped in paper towel, into a sandwich bag) It's too easy.
Joey: Works for me.
Jesse: And, hey, you spill some juice on the counter?
Joey: Just wipe it up with baby tiny bum.

In the present...
Michelle: You guys were dumb.
Jesse: Well, we were learning on the job.
Joey: Yeah, every time you had a first we had a first. Like the first time we tried to give you your cough medicine.

We get another flashback: Joey and Jesse are in the kitchen. Michelle's in her high chair.
Jesse: All right, Joey, you try. I give up.
Joey: Okay, Michelle here it comes.
Joey directs the spoon to Michelle's mouth making a small buzzing noise, but Michelle won't take it.
Joey: Oh, come on. It tastes really good. Watch this.
Joey makes the same buzzing noise as he directs the spoon to Jesse's mouth, who wasn't expecting it and pulls a face.
Joey: (to Jesse) smile, the baby's watching you.
Jesse gives a weak smile.
Joey: And she's waiting for her uncle Jesse to swallow.
Jesse swallows.
Jesse: This stuff's terrible.

In the present.
Danny: Remember your first work-out?

Another flashback of Jesse and Danny with Michelle in the living room. Jesse and Danny work out but Michelle doesn't move.
Danny and Jesse: (working out) Now up, now go, Now up, now go, now go, now go, now go, now go, now bend, now burn now go, now go, now go, now go, now go....
Jesse: (to Michelle) obviously you feel pretty secure about these chubby little legs of yours.
Michelle nods.

In the present.
Joey: And we made out debut as hair-stylists.

Another flashback of Jesse, Joey and Michelle in the bathroom.
Joey: Let's give her that Marilyn Monroe look. Bangs sweeping to the left, curls framing the face...
Jesse: She's got a look that could pull that off, but I think it would be a crime to cover that pretty little face, so I say we pull it back and give her a more sophisticated look. More of the Madonna, Brigitte Nielson, look. See? (pulls Michelle's fringe back.)
Joey: That's Jack Nicolson. Why don't we give her a kind of a Pebbles Flintstone kind of a fun-do.
Jesse: That's Don King.
Joey: Maybe just a bow.
Jesse: A bow.

In the present.
Danny: I remember one of your biggest discoveries.

Flashback - Michelle and Danny are in the kitchen.
Danny: You'll tell your sisters for me, won't you?
Michelle nods.
Danny: Thanks honey, you take all the pressure off. Give me a kiss. (he kisses Michelle) Thanks.
Michelle grabs his nose.

Another flashback - from the episode "Granny Tanny". Michelle's sitting on her new bed, with Jesse.
Jesse: All right you little munchkin, you enjoy your new bed but no more jumping up and down, okay?
Michelle: okay, Uncle Jesse.
Jesse: all right.
He kisses her and leaves the room. Michelle gets off her bed walks to the doorway, checks the hall, goes back into her room, closes the door and jumps on her bed. Jesse opens the door and she sits down instantly.
Michelle: Hello.

In the present.
Danny: And your first punishment.

Flashback- Michelle is sitting in a rocking chair in the corner of her room facing the wall.
Michelle: (singing to herself) This is no fun, no fun, looking at the wall....
Danny comes in.
Danny: Michelle?
Michelle: Yes, Daddy?
Danny: Are you ready to be a good girl?
Michelle: I'll be a very good girl.
Danny: good. And did you learn a lesson from all this?
Michelle: Yes, I did, no swimming in the kitchen.
Danny: Yes, no swimming in the kitchen. That's a very important lesson, but there's a bigger lesson. Daddy, Uncle Jesse and Joey, we know what's best for you. So if we ask you to do something, you should do it. Deal?
Michelle: you're the boss.
They shake hands.
Danny: all right, punishment is over!
Michelle: (grabbing her piggy) yay! Time to play!
Danny: No, it's time for bed.
Michelle: Can we watch Arsenio?
Danny: What do you think?
Michelle: I think it's time for bed.
Danny: (carrying her to bed) You think right. to bed. To bed, I said.
Michelle: (in bed) Daddy, am I still your little princess?
Danny: Oh, you got it, dude.
They hug.

Back at Michelle's fifth birthday....
Michelle: (to Danny) I like being your little princess.
Danny: I like it too, honey. (he kisses Michelle) What do you say? Let's put this new picture on the very last page. And now the Michelle Tanner baby book has come to an end.
Michelle: That's it? I'm finished?
DJ: Well, you're not finished, just your book is.
Michelle: Will you start a new book?
Jesse: Well, in a few weeks' time when we have our new twins we'll start a new book for them.
Michelle tears out her birthday picture.
Michelle: I don't want my book to be finished. I want to be the little princess. (heading upstairs) forget my birthday I'm staying four years old.

Upstairs, everyone comes into Michelle's room looking for her.
Danny: Michelle?
DJ: Michelle, where are you?
Jesse: Hello?
Joey: Michelle?
Danny: I wonder where Michelle could be.
he lifts her quilt to find her lying under it.
Michelle: You found me. Big Deal.
Danny: Here, move over. (he sits on the bed next to Michelle) Michelle, you have to realize that no matter how big you get, you'll always be my little princess, just like Stephanie will always be my little Lady-bug, and DJ's always going to be my little tennis-ball head.
DJ: Does somebody want to trade?
Michelle: But I like being the baby. I'm good at it.
Jesse: Shorty, you're not special because you're the baby, you're special because you're you. I ought to know, because we've had some pretty cool times together, haven't we?

Flashback- Jesse on the couch playing his guitar, and Michelle next to him playing a toy guitar.
Jesse: Sing it. "I got you babe."
Michelle: (waving her toy guitar) I got babe.
Jesse: that settles it, you be Sonny. Sing it again. I got you, babe.
Michelle: Got, babe.

Another flashback- Joey and Danny in the back garden waiting for Jesse and Michelle to come back from clothes shopping. Jesse comes in.
Jesse: She's back, and she's cooler than ever. Yo! Hot Wheels!
Michelle comes in on a toy pedal-motorbike dressed exactly like Jesse (leather jacket, sunglasses, jeans).

In the present.
Jesse: Remember when I almost moved out?

Flashback- Jesse and Michelle are in Michelle's room.
Michelle: I'll miss you.
Jesse: I'll miss you, too, pal. But I have to put on our bravest face now. Show me your brave face. Can you smile for me? (Michelle smiles) atta girl. Now we've got this bravery thing out, I want you to give me the biggest, most gigantic the greatest hug you ever gave me in the whole entire world. Ready? Hug! Hug! Hug!
Jesse and Michelle hug, then sit on Michelle's bed.
Jesse: Atta girl.
Michelle: (giving Jesse her Piggy) This is a goodbye present.
Jesse: Michelle, this is your pig. Are you sure?
Michelle: Yes, I'm sure.
Jesse: Well, in that case I want you to have this. (he gives her a framed picture) this is my pink bunny and I want you to put it up on the wall, and whenever you look at it, I want you to think of me, okay?
Michelle: You got it, dude.
Jesse gets up and heads for the door.
Jesse: Goodbye, Michelle.
Michelle: Goodbye, Uncle Jesse.
Michelle starts to cry. So does Jesse.

In the present.
Jesse: See? I could never leave you. because you're my special pal.
He kisses her on the nose.
Stephanie: And I love having you for a sister.
DJ: Me too. We had a lot of laughs. You won't believe some of the things we got you to do.

Flashback - DJ is standing in front of Jesse's sports bag. Michelle is in her cot.
DJ: I don't care what's in the bag. (walks away, then turns round and reaches to open in, then slaps herself) No! I shouldn't do it, should I, Michelle?
Michelle shakes her head.
DJ: But what if... (she goes to the coffee table and table a biscuit) Look, Michelle, I've got a cookie! You want the cookie? They're yummy! (she lifts Michelle out of the cot and leads her to the bag) Come get the yummy cookie. (She opens the zip a bit and puts the biscuit inside) Oops! The cookie accidentally jumped into the bag! Go find it, Michelle. Find the cookie.
Michelle puts her hand in the small opening in the zip.
DJ: Forget the cookie. Just open the zipper....
Danny and Jesse come in from the kitchen. DJ has her back to them.
DJ: Let's see what Uncle Jesse's hiding in there.
Michelle finds the biscuit.
Jesse: Can I help you?
DJ: (pointing to Michelle) she did it!
Jesse: Shame on you, Michelle!
Michelle just eats her biscuit.

In the present:
DJ: And you learned a few tricks.

Flashback - Michelle's in her room with Sparky the dog.
Michelle: You can be my dog, I'll call you Peanut.
DJ: (calling from outside the room) Michelle!
Michelle: (to Sparky) go hide on the bed, but no barking.
Sparky runs towards the bed. DJ comes in.
DJ: Michelle, have you seen Sparky?
Michelle: No Sparky here, have a nice day!
Sparky barks, but his head is hidden among the toys on Michelle's bed.
DJ: did that bunny rabbit just bark?
Michelle: That was me Arf, Arf, arf, arf.
Sparky barks again.
Michelle: Maybe it's a doggie.

In the present.
DJ: But if we really needed you, you were always there.

Flashback from "The hole in the wall Gang" Steph and DJ are fighting over a shirt in Danny's wardrobe in Danny's room.
DJ: Leave the shirt alone.
Stephanie: No!
DJ: Leave it alone!
They both pull too hard and the entire bar holding Danny's shirts falls down.
Michelle: (gasps, then...) You're in big trouble, Mister!
Later in the episode, Danny's downstairs in the kitchen with Michelle.
Danny: I'm just going to go up and check on your sisters.
Michelle: they're not doing anything wrong!
Danny: Oh, that pretty much means they are, doesn't it?
He heads for the stairs, but Michelle blocks his way.
Michelle: You cannot go upstairs!
Danny: Oh, yes, I can.
He lifts Michelle up and carries her upstairs with him.
Michelle: (shouting as they climb the stairs to Danny's room) He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! He's coming! (they get to Danny's room.) He's here. I did the best I could!

Another flashback- Kimmy, DJ and Michelle are in the kitchen.
DJ: Kimmy, how could you do this?
Michelle: It's not polite to yell!
DJ: Michelle, I've got enough trouble without the polite -police on my tail, so stay out of this.
Michelle: You forgot to say please.
DJ: That's it!
She lifts up Michelle and carries her to the living room.
Michelle: This is not polite, This is not polite, This is not polite, This is not polite, This is not polite, This is not polite, This is not polite.
DJ: (turning back to the kitchen) Thank you!
Michelle: You are not welcome!

Another flashback - Steph and Michelle are in the kitchen. Stephanie has a biscuit on a plate.
Michelle: Excuse me, can I have that cookie, please?
Stephanie: No, you may not.
Michelle: But I was polite, I said please.
Stephanie: I was polite, too I said, No you may not.
Michelle: Guess what! Politeness week is over!
She grabs the plate and leaves the room.
Stephanie: How Rude!

In the present....
Stephanie: You are a piece of work!
Michelle: Thank you ..... I think.
Joey: what Stephanie's trying to say is, you're a really cool young lady.
Michelle: If you've got any more stories about me, I want to hear them.

Flashback - Michelle is looking under the cushions of the couch.
Michelle: All right a nickel ! (she puts it in her piggy-bank.) all right! A Cheeto! (she eats it)
Michelle hears the tune of the ice-cream van.
Michelle: Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man! Ice-cream man! Wait for me, I've got money! (shaking her piggy-bank) give me back my money, you pig!

Flashback- Joey and Michelle are in Joey's room.
Joey: Why are you very mad?
Michelle: Uncle Jesse locked me out!
Joey: Now why would Uncle Jesse do something like that?
Michelle: I don't know, I'm a fun girl.
Joey: well, I'm just guessing, Michelle, but I think Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.
Michelle: What is privacy?
Joey: Well, it means they want to spend some time together alone.
Michelle: what are they doing up there?
Joey: They're............they're doing their taxes.
Michelle: Are they going to be doing their taxis every night?
Joey: For the first couple of months.

Flashback - Joey and Michelle are singing the Popeye song with Joey's toys.
Joey: (imitating Popeye)I'm Popeye the sailor man....
Michelle: I'm Popeye the sailor man....
Joey: I'm strong to the finish, cause I eats me spinach, says, (Michelle joins in) Popeye the sailor man....
Michelle: Toot toot! Whoa!
Joey and Michelle do the Popeye laugh.

Flashback - Jesse and Joey are doing the blues on their guitar and harmonica. Michelle mimes the whole thing.
Jesse and Joey: I'm a little teapot....short and stout....here's my handle.... here's my spout....when I get hot... tip me, baby, and pore me out.
Michelle: Rock and Roll!

Flashback - Jesse and the Rippers play Do wa diddi with Michelle.

We then get short pictures of Michelle growing up from a tiny baby. The song "You are so beautiful" is in the background.

In the present.
Michelle: Wow, I'm cooler than I thought!
Danny: And believe me, the more you grow the cooler you're going to be. But you've got to keep growing. Are you ready to be five years old yet?
Michelle: Yes I am! Let's start the party!
Joey: Not so fast, Michelle. You still have two hours and nineteen minutes to go.
Michelle: This is the longest day of my life.
Danny: come on, we've got some decorating to do.


Episode Information:
First shown: 1991
Directed by: Jeff Franklin
Written by: Jeff Franklin

Guest Cast:

Script edited by: Netanel Epstein
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 08/09/2000