Full House Scripts - Season 6

Episode 125 * Lovers And Other Tanners


We find Michelle in her room with milk cartons and plants. Stephanie comes in.
Stephanie: Hi, Michelle, what are you doing?
Michelle: I'm planting my seeds for school.
Stephanie: (reading the labels) Peas, tomatoes and broccoli.
Michelle: I'm also planting dessert.
She takes some M & Ms and puts them in an empty milk carton.
Stephanie: M & M's? Michelle, that's like planting a nickel and growing a money tree. (she leaves)
Michelle: good idea.
Michelle takes out her piggy bank and empties it into another milk carton...

Becky, Danny and the twins are in the kitchen. Becky is singing to the twins.
Becky: "The wheels on the bus go round and round......."
Stephanie and Michelle come downstairs. Michelle is wearing her honey-bee outfit.
Danny: Oh, look at my little honey-bee.
Stephanie: (quietly to Michelle) Just keep moving.
Danny: Wait a second. Let me get a look at you. (bends down to look at Michelle) Don't you look just bee-utiful? I am just buzzzzting with pride.
He kisses her and gets up.
Michelle: (to Stephanie) You're right. I should have changed at school.
They leave through the back door. Joey comes downstairs.
Joey: Hey, guys. Today's the big day. Where's Jess? I want to go over some stuff for our big radio debut.
Becky: Oh, he's downstairs. He was too wound up to sleep last night.
Jesse comes upstairs from the basement sneezing.
Jesse: Hey, Joey. (sneezes) This is great. My first day the radio and I sound like someone crammed a duck up my nose.
Becky: That's a nice image.
Jesse: Come on, Joey, I'll show you this bit I'm working on. (preparing for another sneeze) Aa, Aa...
Joey sticks his finger under Jesse's nose to stop the sneeze and Jesse sneezes on it.
Joey: always works in cartoons.
They go downstairs.
Becky: (leading the twins into the living room) come on, boys. Come on, let's get you all cleaned up so you can get dirty again.
DJ: (calling from upstairs) Dad, is Steve here yet?
Danny: No, there's still food left on the table.
Steve comes in and starts clearing the food onto one plate and sits down.
Steve: Hey, Mr. Tanner.
Danny: (calling upstairs) but not for long!
He sits at the table. DJ comes downstairs.
Danny: Hi!
DJ: Hi! (she hugs Steve). Hi! (she hugs Danny, then sits at the table).
Danny: Deej, you're finally wearing that blouse I bought you. I thought you hated that color.
DJ: Oh, I do. But Steve loves it on me.
Steve: Isn't it amazing the way it brings out her eyes?
Danny pulls a face and pours himself some coffee.
Danny: Listen, Deej, I need a favor. I need to go and pick Vicky up from the airport this afternoon, could you please walk Michelle home from her honey-bee meeting at 4 o clock?
DJ: Michelle, honey-bee, four o clock. Got it.
Danny: Great. Oh, by the way, weren't you meant to be getting your history tests back yesterday?
DJ: Yeah, I got a C.
Steve: All right! you nailed it!
Danny: Whoa, Whoa, whoa. You got a C? I thought you were running an A in that course. You know our agreement, if you don't get your grades up you can't get a part-time job and you won't be able to save up for that car you wanted.
DJ: Oh, I don't need a car any more. Steve has one.
Steve: Yeah, it's cool. V6, room for 4 on the floor. Really roomy back seat...
Danny stares at him.
Steve: (to DJ) I'll catch you outside, Deej. (he goes out of the back door, taking the plate with him)
Danny: (calling after Steve) You know, I really want that plate back! (to DJ) So, Deej, you and Steve seem to be getting kind of serious.
DJ: I don't know. I wonder how much he really likes me.
Danny: He's here every day.
DJ: You're a good cook.
Danny: Deej, that boy would eat lint.
DJ: Dad, I really have to go.
She gets up from the table. Danny follows her.
Danny: Sweetheart, remember what I told you when I first started giving you driving lessons?
DJ: "Pull over, I'm nauseous" ?
Danny: No, before that. I said, "Don't go to fast".
DJ: don't worry. I won't.
She kisses him
Danny: I love you.
DJ: I love you too.
DJ leaves.

Later , DJ and Steve are doing geometry homework.
DJ: And to bisect the angle put the tip of the compass here.
Steve: I can't get the hang of this. How about some help?
DJ: (taking the his hand with the compass and putting it on the paper) Put the needle here, (taking his other hand) and the pencil here.
Steve: Now who says geometry's a drag?
DJ and Steve start kissing just as Becky and the twins come in through the front door.
Alex: uh oh.
DJ and Steve stop at once.
Becky: Uh oh is right. Nicky, Alex, this is what's known as bad timing. (leading the twins into the kitchen) (to DJ and Steve) Uh, we were never here, and now we're gone.
DJ: Aunt Becky must really love those twins. It must be such an incredible feeling to love someone that much.
Steve: Yeah, must be. Deej?
DJ: Yeah, Steve?
Steve: I..... need an eraser.
DJ: Right. Eraser.
Steve starts rubbing out his geometry exercise book.
DJ: Steve, you're going to rub a hole right through the coffee table.
Steve: (still rubbing hard) I know, you've got me crazy, DJ, I love you!
DJ: you do? Really?
Steve: (throws the rubber away) Yeah! I wanted to say it a hundred times, but every time I tried I kept chickening out, but now that I've said it, I feel like I want to say it again. I love you.
DJ: This is incredible!
Steve: Well, don't you want to say something to me?
DJ: Yes! Thank you!
Steve: (disappointed) that's it?
DJ: I mean, I love you, too.
DJ and Steve start kissing again, just as Danny and Vicky walk in.
Danny: You know, I've heard that after about a minute and a half, the brain dies without oxygen.
DJ and Steve stop.
DJ: Dad, Vicky, nice to see you guys.
Vicky: Sorry. We didn't mean to bust in on you.
Danny: No, but I'm awfully glad we did.
Stephanie comes in.
Stephanie: Hi, Vicky. (she hugs Vicky)
Vicky: Hi, Stephanie, how are you?
Stephanie: Good, how are you? uh, Dad, if I found something valuable on the way home from school, would I be entitled to a reward?
Danny: Maybe. Depends how valuable it is.
Michelle storms in, in her honey-bee outfit.
Michelle: (Angry) Okay, who forgot to get me!
Stephanie: (to Danny) Pay up!
Danny: DJ,
DJ: Oh no, Michelle.
Michelle: (furious) You!
DJ: I'm really sorry. We were really busy doing our homework.
Danny: oh, yeah, I just saw some of that homework.
DJ: (to Steve) I'm really sorry. I'll call you later.
Steve: Hey, it's okay, I've got wrestling practice.
They lean over to kiss, but stop in the middle and shake hands instead. Steve leaves.
Danny: Girls, Vicky, I want a private word with DJ. Would you excuse us?
Stephanie: I'd love to, Dad, but I can't hear as well from the kitchen.
Vicky: come on, girls, how about a snack?
Michelle: I never get to see the good stuff.
Stephanie: Welcome to my world.
Vicky, Stephanie and Michelle go into the kitchen.
Danny: DJ, this is inexcusable.
DJ: I'm really sorry. It will never happen again.
Danny: it's not just forgetting about Michelle. You are way too wrapped up with Steve.
DJ: I love Steve. And He loves me.
Danny: What? You're fifteen years old, you're not in love!
DJ: You don't know how I feel!
Danny: I know that your head had been in the clouds and your grades are dropping and your forgetting all your responsibilities like picking up your little sister!
DJ: I said I was sorry!
Danny: Well, I'm sorry, too. Because I don't want you and Steve seeing each other anymore.
DJ: you can't do that!
Danny: I just did.
DJ: Well, I don't care. Because, I'm going to see Steve whenever I want and you can't stop me.
She runs out of the house.
Danny: DJ! DJ!

In DJ's school gym, the wrestling team are practicing. Danny comes in and sees Kimmy.
Danny: Kimmy, what are you doing here?
Kimmy: Hey, Mr. T. You're looking at the wrestling team's towel-girl.
Danny: How did you get that job?
Kimmy: God smiled on me.
Danny: Excuse me.
He takes off his shoes and walks over to Steve, who is doing press-ups.
Danny: Steve, do you know where DJ is?
Steve: I haven't seen her since you were yelling at her.
Danny: Hey, I do not yell, I guide. And when I was done guiding, she ran out.
Steve: oh, man, she must be really freaked.
Danny: You really care about DJ, don't you?
Steve: I love her, Mr. Tanner.
Danny: I wish you two would stop using that word. What you mean is, you want what's best for her.
Steve: Absolutely.
Danny: Great, then I'd like you to stop seeing each other.
Steve: I can't do that. DJ's the best thing that ever happened to me. Look, I'm sorry Mr. Tanner, I've got wresting practice and the coach is going to flip out.
Another wrestler gets down next to Steve and puts his arm around his waist to start wrestling. Danny taps him on the shoulder.
Danny: Take a five, killer. (taking off his jacket and tie) Do me a favor. Hang these up really neatly.
Wrestler throws them in the corner. Danny takes the wrestler's place next to Steve.
Steve: Mr. Tanner?
Danny: Yeah.
Steve: Why do you have your arm around my waist?
Danny: You need to wrestle, I need to talk.
Steve: Mr. Tanner, you're old, your bones are brittle.
Danny: Don't worry about my bones. I wrestled in high school. They used to call me the "Steel String-bean".
Kimmy: I buy the string-bean part.
Danny: Just give us the cue to start?
Kimmy: You mean, "ready, wrestle"?
Danny and Steve start wrestling. Throughout the fight, they talk.
Danny: Steve, ever since you and DJ have been going out, her grades have been dropping. I'm sure your wrestling has been suffering, too.
Steve: On the contrary, Mr. Tanner. She inspires it. My wrestling's never been better.
Steve frees himself from Danny's grasp using his elbows.
Kimmy: Reversal. Two points. Try a head-butt Mr. T. It makes a neat sound.
Danny: What about your parents? I'm sure they're concerned you're spending so much time with DJ.
Danny frees himself from Steve's grasp using his elbows, the way Steve did to him.
Kimmy: Escape! One point for the Bean of Steel.
Steve: Actually, my parents think DJ's the greatest girl in the world.
Danny: Well, so do I, and that's why I'm putting my foot down!
He stomps on Steve's foot. Steve grabs Danny's leg and trips him on his back.
DJ comes in.
DJ: Dad! What are you doing to Steve?
Danny: Don't worry, I won't hurt him.
Kimmy slaps the ground
Kimmy: Yes! It's a pin! Boy, Mr. T I've never seen you sweat before. Yuck!
DJ: I can't believe you came here!
Danny: Hey, I'm here because I care about you. (he stands up).
DJ: All you care about is humiliating me.
Danny: Hey, we'll talk about this at home - once my lungs re-inflate.
DJ: I'm not going home. I'll stay at Kimmy's.
Kimmy: You might want to re-think that Deej, my father just ran out of foot deodorant.
DJ: Then I'll stay at Steve's.
Danny: Like heck, you will. You're coming home.
DJ: no, I'm not.
Danny: oh, yes you are.
Steve: Whoa! Hold it! Stop! Deej, you know I'm crazy about you, but this is a mess. I don't want to come between you and your father. I'm sorry. I can't see you anymore.
He kisses her on the cheek and walks off.

Later at the KFLH Radio station, Joey walks down the corridor outside the radio recording room, with Jesse leaning his head on his shoulder, half asleep.
Joey: Jess, we're at the radio station and we're on in a couple of minutes, now what is wrong with you?
Jesse: it must have been that cold medicine I took for my nose.
Joey: Well, I don't know what one cold pill's going to do for you.
Jesse: I know. That's why I took four. (he hold up two fingers, then three, then two again.)
Joey: Four? Jess, do you know how dangerous that is? Plus you've been up all night, no wonder you're zonked out.
Jesse: I didn't want my nose to be stuffed up on the radio but it's all cleared now. Listen. (he sniffs up Joey's ear.)
Inside the recording room, Jab all-night Julie is talking on the radio.
Julie: Stay tuned for the debut of the "Rush Hour Renegades".
She turns on some music, and signals for Jesse and Joey to come in.
Joey: All right, we're on. Come on, Jess.
Jesse: (taking his head of Joey's shoulder and slapping himself awake) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
His head hits the door as he dozes off again. Joey opens the door and brings Jesse in and stands him up.
Joey: hey, Boss.
Julie: How are you doing, Joey. Hi Jesse.
Jesse doesn't reply.
Julie: Jesse? Are you okay?
Jesse: Yeah, I'm fine .
His head falls forward towards the desk. Joey shoves a teddy bear under Jesse's head before it hits the desk.
Joey: He's fine. You see, what he likes to do is meditate before a performance. Helps him relax. (lifting Jesse's head up by the hair) If he wasn't like this, I'd be worried.
Julie: Just as long as it works. Knock them dead.
Joey: We're practically there.
Julie leaves.
Joey: (shaking Jesse, who's asleep) Come on Jess, snap out of it, snap out of it, (sitting him down in a chair) come on, Jess, we're on live in four, three, two, (grabs Jesse just as he drops off the chair, and leans his head on the microphone.) (into his own microphone) Hello, San Francisco. We're the Rush Hour Renegades" I'm Joey Gladstone, this is my partner, Jesse Katsopolis. Uh, say hi, Jess.
Jesse: (snores into the microphone).
Joey: Jesse's the quiet one. I guess you could tell. We'll be back right after this. (turns on an advert and puts his face in his hands).
Later, Joey is stretching and dollar bill to make a beating noise.
Joey: and that was the traffic report from the KFLH traffic-copter. (putting down the dollar) You know, folks, I should mention that Jesse does some really great impersonations. Right, Jess?
Jesse, who's lying asleep on the couch snores.
Joey: hey, Jess, why don't you do Rodney Dangerfield? (into Jesse's microphone, impersonating Rodney Dangerfield) Oh, boy, I tell you I get no respect, no respect at all. (normal voice) Jess, that was incredible. It was like Rodney was right here.
Becky, Stephanie and Michelle knock on the window.
Joey: Let's give our listeners a break from all this hilarity and listen to a commercial.
Turns on an advert and signals for Becky, Stephanie and Michelle to come in. They do.
Becky: So how are you guys doing?
Stephanie: how are they doing? You're the one that changed the station in the car.
Michelle: (seeing Jesse) do they have nap-time here?
Becky rushes over to Jesse.
Becky: Joey, what happened to him?
Joey: he took too many cold-pills.
Becky: (slapping Jesse) Honey, come on. Wake up.
Joey: Yeah, I tried that already. He's been out like a light for hours.
Becky kisses Jesse. He wakes up.
Jesse: Have mercy!
Joey: Why didn't I think of that?
Jesse: what's going on here?
Joey: welcome back, Mr. Postrepedic. You slept through half the show.
Jesse: Oh, I blew it. I over-did it on these cold-pills.
Michelle: (into the Microphone) It's the Michelle Show! I pledge...
Jesse: (grabbing the microphone) And that little munchkin there was my niece, Michelle.
Michelle: Did you have a nice nap, uncle Jesse?
Jesse: (into the microphone) I'm pinching her cheek real hard here, but you folks at home can't see that. (to Becky and Stephanie) Guys, you want to say hi? Becky?
Becky: (into the microphone) Hi.
Jesse: come on, Steph. Say hi.
Stephanie: No, I can't.
Joey: Come on, Steph, don't be shy.
Stephanie: Okay. (into the microphone)(singing) Oh, when the Saints go marching in, oh when the Saints go marching in....
Jesse: I think Steph just got over her shyness. We'll be right back, but first a little Rock and Roll.
He turns on the music and turns the volume down.
Jesse: Thanks for baling me out, pal. (shaking hands with Joey)
Joey: Hey, that's what partners are for.
Michelle: hey, what does this button do?
Jesse: Well, it turns off the music so, we'll be broadcasting dead air.
Jesse and Joey: Dead Air!
Everyone says whatever they like into the microphone and Steph and Michelle sing the "Saints".

That night, Danny is sitting alone on a bench in the back garden. Vicky comes out from the back door.
Vicky: Are you all right?
Danny: DJ's still in her room. She won't even talk to me.
Vicky: It's a tough age.
Danny: Yeah. Fifteen.
Vicky: I meant thirty five.
Danny: Vicky, they're just kids. They're not mature enough to know what love is.
Vicky: Mature like us, you mean?
Danny: Exactly.
Vicky: Exactly? Danny, do we love each other?
Danny: What? Love? I don't know. I guess the mature thing to do would be to make a list and analyze the situation and think it out objectively....
Vicky: Don't think. Just tell me how you feel.
Danny: how I feel? Well, I feel like there's no one else I'd rather spend my time with. And I feel like you're the only one in the world for me. And I feel like I love you.
Vicky: Oh, Danny I love you, too.
Danny: You do?
They kiss.
Danny: You really love me? (Vicky nods) all right. (they hug) I feel like a teenager again. (sits up) DJ.

In her room, DJ is sitting on her bed, when someone knocks on the door.
Danny: DJ?
DJ: What?
Danny comes in.
DJ: Did you think of a new way of ruining my life?
Danny: Deej, the greatest thing just happened to me. I just told Vicky that I love her.
DJ: Are you trying to torture me?
Danny: No, I'm trying to tell you I understand how you feel. Can I sit down? (he sits on DJ's bed) I'd forgotten what it's like. I haven't been in love with anyone since your mum. It's incredible.
DJ: (unenthusiastically)Great, Dad.
Danny: Yeah, it is. And if you and Steve are feeling what I'm feeling right now, I think it's wonderful.
DJ: Are you saying I can see Steve again?
Danny: Yes I am. The truth is, Steve's a pretty good kid. He's polite, he's a good eater (rubbing his neck) he's got a darn good headlock.
DJ: thanks, Dad. I can't wait to call Steve.
Danny: Whoa! Wait!
DJ: I knew that was too easy.
Danny: Deej, Steve is an important part of your life right now, but he shouldn't be your whole life! You mustn't forget about your schoolwork and your friends and your family. What I'm trying to say is, don't lose track of who you are.
DJ: I won't. I'm sorry. It's just that I've never been in love before. It's kind of overwhelming.
Danny: Tell me about it.
DJ: Do you feel kind of lightheaded?
Danny: Yeah.
DJ: Is your heart pounding?
Danny: Like a bongo.
DJ: And your chest....
Danny: I feel I'm going to hurl.
DJ: It's the best, isn't it?


Episode Information:
First shown: 1992
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Jay Abramowitz

Guest Cast:
Vicky: Gail Edwards.
Julie: Hilary Shepard.

Script edited by: Howard Epstein
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 24/06/2000