We find Danny in the kitchen as Michelle walks down the stairs...
Michelle: Daddy, I made you a present.
Danny: Oh, honey, thank you (Kisses Michelle on the cheek) Oh, it is beautiful (examining the present) , Oh wow, this is a really nice...one.
Michelle: Go ahead, use it.
Danny: Use it ? Oh okay, you know, maybe I should start with putting something in it, huh ? (Michelle nods, Danny takes an apple) Okay, there we go... (Michelle shakes her head, Danny takes a plant) Oh, wow, ooh (Michelle shakes her head again)
Stephanie walks down the stairs...
Stephanie: Hey Michelle, did you finish your bird feeder ?
Michelle: All done.
Danny: And what a doozy of a bird feeder it is, huh. Just hold it up and (Puts his hand in) Pww, bird right in there.. I'll make sure there gets some birds seed in...
Michelle: (To Stephanie) He didn't have a clue.
Danny: I don't know why, but I feel like a venire schnitzel. (to Becky) Rebecca, close your mouth.
Becky: Betty, Lulu, that was.... unique! Can't wait till next Sunday at the annual Twins expo to hear your spirited rendition of "Stairway to Heaven."
Betty and Lulu leave.
Danny: (to the camera) And don't forget I'll be seeing the twins expo, so come down to the convention centre if you are a twin or you know a twin or you've ever seen double!
Becky: Bye and have a great weekend.
Jesse comes in from off the set, clapping his hands.
Jesse: Great show, great show. (kisses Becky) you ready for lunch?
Jesse: Oh, Danny, Vicky called she says she'll call you back between seven and eight.
Danny: Well, can't I call her?
Jesse: No, she's on her way to Green Bay with the "Chicago Bears".
Danny: The football team?
Jesse: Yeah, she says they're doing a special of women in the locker room.
Danny: You mean she's going to be in a locker room with forty guys with chiseled bodies and thighs bigger than...me?
Becky: Danny, you don't feel threatened by this, do you?
Danny: No, of course not. Now if you need me, I'll be in the gym.
Danny runs off.
Becky: Jess, I have something to tell you, but you have to promise not to whine.
Jesse: I never whine.
Becky: My cousin Dick, and his wife, Donna are in from Nebraska.
Jesse: (whining) Those rich snobs!
Becky: You're whining.
Jesse: No, I'm not, I'm just voicing a manly complaint.
Becky: They're bringing their twins, Debbie and Darla for the contest and we're having dinner with them tonight.
Jesse: (whining) Aw, gees, I've got to eat with them too? All right, that was a whine. That was a whine.
In the Tanner household, Stephanie comes downstairs into the kitchen, where DJ, Steve and Kimmy are sitting at the table.
Stephanie: DJ, Steve, I'm glad you're here.
Kimmy: What about me?
Stephanie: (ignoring Kimmy) DJ, Steve, I'm glad you're here. (Kimmy pulls a face) I've got a boy problem.
DJ and Steve: Oooooooh.
Stephanie: This is serious. This boy, Jimmy Laster, he's always pulling my hair and giving me noogies. Why is he doing that?
Steve: Hey, maybe you just have one of those noogie heads that guys can't resist.
DJ: Steve! (to Stephanie) It's probably because he likes you and he's too immature to tell you.
Stephanie: Really? He likes me?
DJ: Yeah, you should do the mature thing and give him a call. Maybe he'll want to get together.
Kimmy: Or do what I do. Get an 800 number and advertise on cable.
That night, Becky is laying the coffee table. The doorbell rings, Becky answers.
Becky: Cousin Dick!
Dick and Becky hug.
Dick: Look who's here.
Donna comes in.
Donna and Becky hug. Debbie and Darla come in.
Dick: Come on in, girls.
Becky: Oh, yeah, come here let me see you. oh, you guys have got so big. Come here give me a hug.
Becky hugs Debbie and Darla.
Becky: Oh, thank you. Come in, you know, make yourselves at home.
Donna: Well, we haven't seen you since you and Jesse got... you know...married.
Dick: Are you holding out?
Becky gives a phony smile. Jesse comes downstairs holding Nicky and Alex.
Jesse: (whispering to the boys) all right, boys, life lesson number 37 "Pretending to like someone". (to Dick and Donna) Dick! Donna! It's been too, too long!
Dick: Jesse! Oh, cute kids.
Jesse: Thank you.
Dick: They look just like Rebecca. You lucked out there ! (starts laughing) Small joke.
Jesse: Well, you know what they say, small joke, small mind.
Joey and Michelle come in.
Joey: Hi. Hello. Hi.
Donna: Who's this little girl?
Becky: This is Danny's daughter, Michelle. Michelle, say hi to Dick, Donna, Debbie and Darla.
Michelle: Hi Dick and..........all you other "D" people.
Donna: And you must be Danny.
Joey: No, I'm Joey.
Becky: No, see, Joey, Jesse, the twins and I, we all live in this house with Danny and his daughters.
Jesse: Yeah, Becky and I have a little place up in the attic.
Dick: The attic?
Donna: How quaint .
Joey: Well, I know you all have to go out to dinner, so why don't I take the kids into the kitchen for some cookies. (to Debbie and Darla) Oh, boy, girls, you do love home-baked cookies, don't you?
Darla: We prefer store-bought.
Joey: (imitating Popeye while leading Nicky and Alex into the kitchen.) "We prefer store-bought" oh, boy.
Dick: Aren't our girls cute? Can't wait to see them at the favorite twins contest.
Becky: You know, Jess, that sounds like a lot of fun, we should enter Nicky and Alex.
Jesse: No way, honey, absolutely not. I'm not parading my kids around like a couple of trained baboons.
Dick and Donna stare.
Becky: Whoa! Look at the time! Shouldn't we be going off to dinner?
Jesse: You know what? Now that I think about it, why don't you three go? I've got some schoolwork to do.
Dick: Oh, working on your PHD?
Jesse: Actually, it's my pre-PHD.
Dick: Masters? Bachelors?
Jesse: High school.
Dick: (laughing) High school, good one. Oh, you're serious. Well, you can come to dinner, it's not a school night.
Dick and Donna laugh. Jesse pretends to.
Jesse: (smiling) (to Donna) Oh, now I see why you married him.
Donna: Because he's funny?
Jesse: No, because he's rich.
Dick: Speaking of which, I have reservations for the most expensive restaurant in town. On us, of course.
Jesse: Of course.
Donna: We know you're a struggling musician.
Becky: No, Jesse has great job on the radio station. And did you know he had a number one record in Japan?
Dick: Well, if we ever have dinner in Japan, it'll be your treat. (Dick and Donna start laughing) small joke.
Dick and Donna walk out the front door.
Jesse: That guy is a small joke. I'm going to get him.
Becky: Honey, please, no violence.
Jesse: Who's talking about violence? I'm going to order a 12 pound lobster.
Stephanie comes into DJ's room.
Stephanie: Deej, I took your advice and called Jimmy.
DJ: Was I right? Does he like you?
Stephanie: Close. He hates me. He said if I call him again he'll have me arrested for harassment.
DJ: Sorry, Steph. Sometimes guys are complicated. Well, not really complicated, more like simple.
Stephanie: I just want to know how to tell when I guy likes me.
DJ: Well, sometimes guys just hang back and stare at you.
Stephanie: So if a guy stares at me, he likes me?
DJ: Not necessarily. You may have some gunk stuck in your teeth. But if you don't, and he does like you, he'll start fixing his hair.
Stephanie: All right, staring, hair-fixing what else?
DJ: Well, then you smile at him. But just a half-smile, because you don't want to scare him.
Stephanie: How's this? (gives a half-smile).
DJ: That'll scare him.
Stephanie: What else? I need details.
DJ: Well, just do everything I said, and if you do it right, he'll come over and talk to you.
Stephanie: This is great! Then what happens?
DJ: Nothing, you're in the fifth grade.
Michelle, Debbie and Darla walk into Michelle's room.
Michelle: So, what do you guys want to do?
Debbie: Do you have TV? A VCR? A laser Disc player?
Michelle: I have a Mr. Potato Head.
Debbie and Darla: Boring!
Darla: We like Video games (they both pull out a game boy.) come on, Debbie, let's play "Ballerinas of Death".
They start playing.
Michelle: When can I have a go?
Debbie: When you buy one.
Michelle: Boy, is this going to be a fun night.
Later, Jesse, Becky, Dick and Donna come into the living room.
Jesse: Man, that was good eating. I ate so much lobster, I'm sweating butter.
Dick: I hope you didn't ruin your best T-shirt.
Jesse gives him a cold stare. Joey, Debbie and Darla come in from the kitchen.
Joey: Oh, Donna, I hope you don't mind, I made Debbie and Darla some ice cream sundaes.
Donna: Oh, not at all, girls, what do you say?
Darla: It would have been better with hot fudge.
Joey: You're welcome. Always a pleasure. (He leaves.)
Dick: Oh, Becky, little news from the home-front. Mary-Ellen Matthews married Dois Plunk.
Donna: (to Jesse) he was Becky's old boyfriend. We all thought she was going to marry him.
Becky: I was never going to marry Dois.
Dick: Mary-Ellen sure is counting her blessings.
Dick and Donna laugh. Jesse mocks their laughs.
Dick: they live in a mansion- almost as big as ours - and Dois buys her a new Cadillac Cupe de Ville every year.
Dick and Donna stare at Jesse, looking smug.
Jesse: Yeah, well, try popping a wheel on one of those. Okay.
Dick: Well, we better go before someone steals our hub-caps.
Jesse: Small joke, right?
Dick: No, I'm serious.
Becky: Cousin Dick thanks for coming, it's been a wonderful evening. I'm going to go check on Nicky and Alex. Donna goodnight.
She goes upstairs.
Jesse: All right, honey, I'm just going to throw, I mean, show our guests out.
Jesse: Bye-bye. Hey, Dick, let's lay the cards on the table. You don't like me, do you?
Dick: Well, I'd like you as an acquaintance. I'd like you as a waiter. I'd even like you as a mechanic, but as a cousin, well, let's just say we always imagined Rebecca with someone - better.
Jesse: Let me tell you something, I'm not your acquaintance, and I'm not your waiter, and if I were your mechanic, you'd be having brake problems. Small joke.
Dick: Well, I guess we know where we stand.
Jesse: Yes, I guess we know.
Dick: See you at the expo. Oh, and smart move not entering your twins, I mean why put your kids through that kind of rejection?
Jesse: Rejection? All right, now you've pushed me too far. You know what? I'm going to enter my twins and they're going to make you wish you never left Nebraska, pal!
Dick: Ooh, looks like someone had their lobster pit-bone a little too tight. Small joke.(He leaves.)
Jesse: (calling after Dick) Oh, yeah? Well, here's a big joke for you : I don't even like lobster!
At the expo the next day, the convention centre is crowded with twins.
Joey: Hey, girls, look at all the twins, big ones small ones,
Two twin girls walk by with twin English sheepdogs.
Michelle: Furry ones.
Stephanie: Come on, Michelle, let's go see if they have eyes.
Becky: (to Nicky) See the doggie? See the doggie?
Dick, Donna, Debbie and Darla show up.
Dick: Hi. Hi. Jesse, when my kids win the favorite twins contest, think you could help me carry that huge trophy up to my car?
Jesse: No, because my kids are going to win.
Dick: Really? you think you've got room for it up in the old attic?
Dick and Donna laugh. The Donaldsons leave.
Becky: You know, Jess, I just wanted to enter this contest for fun, and all you want to do is beat my cousin.
Jesse: sounds like fun to me. Come on, let's go get the kids ready.
Michelle and Stephanie are standing at a desk, when twin boys walk by and stare at Stephanie.
Stephanie: Hey, Michelle, are those cute guys staring at me? (Michelle looks at them) No! don't look at them!
Michelle: How am I supposed to see them if I don't look?
Stephanie: Okay, time for the half-smile. How's this?
She gives a half-smile.
Michelle: I think you need the other half.
Stephanie gives the twins a half-smile. They start fixing their hair.
Stephanie: All right! They're fixing their hair! It's just like DJ said, they like me!
Michelle doesn't look impressed.
Stephanie: Uh, Michelle, no offence, but, get lost.
Michelle: Well, since you asked so nicely.............okay!
She goes off to Joey. The twins come up to Stephanie.
Andrew: Hi, I'm Andrew.
Stephanie: I'm Stephanie.
Thomas: I'm Thomas. Do you have a twin?
Stephanie: Uh, no.
Andrew: We really like doing stuff with twins.
Stephanie: Oh, you mean a twin sister! Who doesn't?
Thomas: Great! Were is she?
Stephanie: Uuuh, I'll go find her.
She runs off to DJ and Steve.
Stephanie: DJ, I need your hat and your sweater!
DJ: What for?
Stephanie: Don't ask questions, it's an emergency, please, please!
DJ: (taking off her hat and sweater) okay, but you look fine.
Stephanie: It's not for me, it's for my sister.
Stephanie runs up to Anrew and Thomas wearing DJ's hat and sweater.
Stephanie: Hi, you must be Andrew and Thomas. My sister Stephanie told me I'd find you here.
Andrew: What's your name?
Stephanie: My name? Uhhhhhh, Bethanie!
Thomas: So, Bethanie, what do you and Stephanie do for fun?
Stephanie: Oh, pretty much the same thing.
Andrew: Where is Stephanie?
Stephanie: Stephanie? Uh, she was with me a second ago. I'll go find her. She's not quite herself today.
She runs off. Meanwhile Danny is talking on the phone.
Danny: That's right. Vicky Larson. Yeah, could you please tell her to call Danny Tanner? Yeah, she's in the Chicago Bears locker room. That's right, she'll be the only one wearing high heels....Really? He does?
Stephanie runs up to Andrew and Thomas without the hat and sweater.
Stephanie: I'm back. Bethanie.
Andrew: I thought you were Stephanie.
Stephanie: Wait a minute (thinks for a while) You're absolutely right, I am Stephanie.
Andrew: This is getting weird.
Thomas: Yeah, what's going on?
Stephanie: All right, the truth is I don't have a twin. I made it up because you said you only hang out with twins.
Andrew: Well, I guess I could make an exception.
Thomas: I saw her first.
Andrew and Thomas: I did!
Stephanie: Boys, boys, boys, boys. Let's not fight. There's enough of me to go around.
She walks of with the twins. Joey and Michelle are sitting on the edge of the stage.
Joey: Hey. There are your cousins, Michelle, you could wish them luck before the contest.
Michelle pulls a face.
Joey: Or not.
Michelle: Why should I be nice to them? They were mean to me.
Joey: Well, because being nice is contagious. Maybe they'll catch it.
Michelle: (smiling)You mean like chicken pox and they'll get all itchy?
Joey: Maybe contagious was the wrong word.
The Donaldsons walk by.
Michelle: Debbie, Darla, good luck.
Darla: what do you mean by that?
Michelle: I just mean good luck.
Debbie and Darla: Thank you.
Joey: (to Donna) Always a pleasure.
Michelle: (to Joey) Did you see that? They even said thank you!
Joey: What did I tell you?
Michelle gives Joey a high five. Danny comes onto the stage holding a microphone.
Danny: Ladies and gentlemen, twins of all ages, it's time to start the highlight of the twins expo, the "Favourite Twins" contest. I'm your host, Danny Tanner, and no, you're not seeing single, there's only one of me. (he awaits the audience's laughter, which doesn't come) Okay, let's bring out our first contestants from Gerri, Indiana, the Spellman twins.
The Spellman girls come onto the stage dressed like cheerleaders and start dancing. Steve cheers, then, catching DJ's eye, yawns and puts his arm around her. Later, two muscualer men bow on the stage.
Danny: Thank you, Lex and Rex. (Lex and Rex leave the stage) Oh, boy, I haven't seen that much beef since my last double-whopper. (Again, nobody laughs) (hitting the microphone) is this thing on? Okay, and next up, the Donaldson twins.
Debbie and darla get on the stage.
Dick: make Daddy proud.
He waves to Donna, who waves back.
Debbie and Darla: And now, a poem.
Debbie: The majesty of America
Darla: The beauty of the sea...
Debbie: The seven Wonders of the World...
Darla: Are not as cute as we...
They coursty and leave the stage.
Danny: Thank you the Donaldson twins, and now for our last constestants, give it up for Nicky and Alex Katsopolis!
Jesse gets on the stage, puts a tape recorder on it and plays the music. Nicky and Alex walk on the stage dressed like Elvis, in Elvis suits, guitars and hairdos, and Jesse makes them dance. When it's over, the crowd clap and Danny gets back on the stage.
Danny: Elvis, the next generation. And now, it's time to bring all our contestants onto the stage while we wait for the judges' final desicion.
Michelle: Nicky and Alex were so adorable.
Joey: You must be pretty darn proud, huh, Beck?
Becky: Oh, yeah, having twin Elivs impersonators, every mother's dream.
Danny: And now, let me get our judges' descision. (he leans over to take an envelope from one of the judges, when a phone rings) You know what, that's my jacket. Excuse me. (into his phone) Yeah, Hello? Yeah, Vicky, this is not a good time. Are you still in the locker room? Was that a towel-snap? Oh, okay, I'll call you later, okay Honeybuns. Bye.
The audience: Aaaaaw.
Danny: (looking embarrased) Where was I?
Jesse: The winners, Honeybuns.
Danny: Thanks, Sugarhips. Okay, Our runners up and second place winners are - Debbie and Darla Donadson!
Dick: Runners Up?
Jesse: You heard him, man.
Dick: There must be some mistake, I demand a re-count. Re-count, We really need a re-count.
Danny: Uh, Lex and Rex, please.
Lex and Rex lift Dick up and carry him to the audience.
Danny: And now it's time to announce our first-place winners. They are - Nicky and Alex Katsopolis!
The music goes back on. Back home in the kitchen, Jesse is polishing the trophy.
Jesse: (singing) we kicked their butt! (Becky comes downstairs) Oh, Beck, I've got a great idea, we'll take a picture of this, put it on a Christmas card and send it next year to your cousin.
Becky: That ought to spread a little Christmas cheer. Jess, why are you so obsessed about my cousin?
Jesse: Honey, I am not obsessed. I've got a great idea, let's hire a sky-writer and sky-write "Loser" over his big mansion.
Jesse: All right, maybe I'm a tad obsessed. I just want to show him that even though I can't buy you a mansion, or I can't buy you a Coup-de-Ville that we have really great kids.
Becky: What are you talking about?
Jesse: Do you think you'd have been happier if you married Dois Plunk?
Becky: Rebecca Plunk?
Jesse: Is that a yes or a no?
Becky: Of course it's a no! Jess, I don't care about cars and money, and I don't care what other people think. All I care about is you and our life together, and I would trade one minute of that for all the mansions in Nebraska.
Jesse: I guess I kind of over-reacted, didn't I?
Becky: Well, not completely. My cousin is a jerk and I'm glad we kicked his butt.
Jesse: Yeah! Sweetheart, I may act a little crazy sometimes, but, it's only because I'm crazy about you.
Jesse and Becky kiss. Jesse lifts the trophy up.
First shown: 1992
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Ellen Guylas
Dick Donaldson: Mark Linn-Baker
Donna Donaldson: Mary Kane
Debbie & Darla Donaldson: Michelle & Erin Braun
Andrew & Thomas: Bryan & Brendan Schwarz
Script edited by: Netanel Epstein
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever