Full House Scripts - Season 6

Episode 129 * Nice Guys Finish First

Teaser missing

in the Tanner kitchen, Danny and DJ are walking in the back door from a driving lesson
DJ: Well, Dad, thanks for another stimulating driving lesson, around the block for the zillionth time.
Danny: Now, now Deej, you are becoming quite the little motorist, honey. You really are. You use your mirrors well, your parallel parking is very good, and you always remember to signal.
DJ: So I'm ready for the freeway?
Danny: No, no, no, no, no way, honey. You haven't mastered U-turns, your yields are shaky, and I'm still not happy with the way you defrost.
DJ walks out, as Stephanie and Michelle come down the stairs
Michelle: I don't believe you. I'm asking Daddy.
Danny: Asking Daddy what?
Stephanie: Michelle, go ahead, but I told you there is no such thing as a Norwegian goat boy.
Danny: Norwegian goat boy?
Michelle: (shows Danny a newspaper) See the boy with the horns eating the tin cans?
Danny: (takes the newspaper) Steph, I told you to stop wasting your allowance on junk like... (looks at the newspaper) Are those udders?
Michelle: Is the Norwegian goat boy going to come to our house?
Danny: Of course not, honey. If any goat boy's coming to our house, it's going to be the San Francisco goat boy.
Michelle: Oh no! I'm out of here! (runs off)
Danny: Michelle, I was just kidding. There's no such thing as a goat boy. Michelle!
Becky walks in with Nicky and Alex
Becky: All right, boys. This is it, the moment we've all been waiting for.
Stephanie: They're potty trained?
Becky: I wish. It's time for Jesse and Joey's radio show, the Rush Hour Renegades. (turns on radio)
Jesse on radio: Congratulations, Bob. You win 2 pounds of ice, but not just any ice, premium ice.
Becky: (to Nicky and Alex) Who is that? Who is that?
Nicky: Daddy.
Becky: Daddy!
Alex: Daddy.
Alex squeals

scene cuts to the radio station where Joey and Jesse are doing their show
Joey: You know, I bet the listeners are wondering, why the heck are we giving away ice?
Jesse: Because we ran out of pocket protectors.
Joey: Oh no, you think that. No, it's actually our way of reminding everyone that I will be playing in the Bay City Charity Foundation hockey game (imitates monster truck pull announcer) this Saturday at Iceoplex!
Joey plays recorded applause on the radio
Jesse: Yes, and I, Jesse Katsopolis, will be announcing the game right here on KFLH.
Joey plays recorded booing on the radio
Joey: Jess, no offense, but it is kind of traditional for hockey announcers to know something about the game of ice hockey.
Jesse: Come on, Joe, what's to know? A bunch of toothless guys hitting a round thing into a net thing, piece of cake.
Joey: Well, at least you got the technical terms down. You got that going for you.
Jesse: Which is a plus. Oh, here's our guest right now. Come on in. This is one of our sponsors. This is Hershel Binkley of Giant Binkley's Used Cars, where credit's never a problem, as long as you have hard cash. Nice to see you, Hersh.
Stonewall: Hi, fellas.
Joey: I should also point out that Hershel is the goalie for the team I'll be playing against on Saturday.
Stonewall: That's right. Joey, it's great to see you again, my friend. You don't remember me, do you?
Joey: Let's see, are you the guy who sold me that '74 Gremlin with the burrito in the glove compartment?
Stonewall: That's a good one. Maybe this will bring something back for you.
Binkley puts on a mask that looks like a brick wall
Joey: Stonewall!
Stonewall: That's right. College, state championship, one minute to play, your team's down a goal, you get the puck, come into me alone, you fake left, you shoot right, what happened then, Gladstone?
Jesse: Yeah, what happened then, Gladstone?
Stonewall: Go ahead, tell them.
Joey: There's nothing to tell. It happened a long time ago.
Stonewall: What happened was I stopped your shot. We won the state championship and you lost it. I was a hero, you were a bum. I got to tell you, I am looking forward to humiliating you all over again.
Jesse: Ho-ho-ho-hold it, Stonehead.
Stonewall: Stonewall.
Jesse: Whatever. Listen, you don't just waltz in here and make fun of my pal. Do you know who you're dealing with?
Stonewall: Is this guy going to do all the talking for you, Gladstone?
Jesse: No, I don't do all the talking for him, do I, Joey? Maybe a word here or there, yes.
Stonewall: You know, Gladstone, you have always been pathetic.
Jesse: Oh yeah, you think he was pathetic back then? You should see my boy now.
Joey: Jess, you're not helping. Look, it's just a charity game. Let's just go out there and have a little fun.
Stonewall: Well, if your idea of fun is losing, then you're going to have a great time. Because, Gladstone, you're a loser.
Jesse: Oh yeah, well you're a jerk.
Stonewall: And you got split ends.
Jesse: Now that's where you crossed the line.
later, at the Tanner house, the family is setting the table for dinner
DJ: Dad, you're being so unfair. Kimmy's dad took her out on the freeway.
Danny: And he brought her back?
Stephanie and Michelle come down the stairs
Stephanie: Michelle, trust me. It's OK.
Michelle: Check near the garbage. See if the goat boy's there.
Danny: Sweetheart. Michelle, come here. We talked about this. I told you there is no goat boy. It's just a person in a costume. It's just like Halloween.
Michelle: You mean he's coming to trick-or-treat?
Stephanie: Dad, let me take a crack at this. Michelle, the goat boy can't get out of Norway because goats can't ride on planes.
Michelle: Why not?
Stephanie: Well, they can never get through the metal detector after eating all those tin cans.
Michelle: Oh. Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?
Danny looks at Stephanie questioningly, Stephanie shrugs at him, Jesse and Joey walk in
Jesse: When you get on that ice, you got to destroy that punk.
Joey: Aw, Jess, I've been thinking about it. I'm not even going to play the game.
Jesse: What?! You guys should have heard. This guy comes down to the station, dumps all over Joey about this hockey game, and Joey just sits there and takes it.
Becky: I know. I heard. But everyone has their own way of handling things, and Joey's not the confrontational type, and we should respect that. I mean, last night when we were out to dinner and you had that bug in your salad, you didn't make a fuss. You just kept right on eating.
Joey: Bug? I thought it was a bacon bit.
Jesse: It just kills me that you won't stand up to this Stonewall guy.
Danny: Stonewall? That goalie from college who totally humili-
Joey looks angrily at Danny
Danny: So, you saw old Stonewall?
Joey: Look, let's just forget about it, OK? It was a meaningless game that happened 15 years ago.
Stephanie: Bread, Joey?
Joey: I'm not hungry, Steph.
Becky: Joey, don't you want another chance to get out on the ice and score the winning goal against that loudmouth?
Joey: Yeah, of course I would.
Danny: So do it. What's your problem?
Joey: Look, I'm not playing in this game. This whole thing is turning into one big grudge match.
Jesse: I don't get you, man. If I were you, I would wipe the ice with that guy.
Joey: OK, I'll admit it. I don't want to face Binkley again. When I was in college, he embarrassed me in front of all my friends and my family. I don't need to go through that again.
Danny: Well, you shouldn't have to. Come on, Jess, if he doesn't want to play, it's his choice.
Jesse: All right. I'm sorry, pal.
Danny: I got an idea. Why don't we just go to the ice skating rink tomorrow and just skate for the fun of it like we used to?
everybody agrees with the idea
Danny: OK? What do you say, Joey?
Joey: I say fine. Why don't you pass me the bread? And, uh, casserole? A little salad, please?
everybody is passing Joey different plates

later, at the Iceoplex, Becky, DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle are on the ice skating around while Jesse is struggling with his skates
DJ: Uncle Jesse, come on.
Becky: Yeah, come on.
Stephanie: Come on, you're missing all the fun.
Michelle: It's so easy. (to DJ) Just don't let go.
Jesse: It's OK, guys. I'm just warming up a bit. Go ahead, go have fun. Go, go, go, go, go. Don't worry about me.
Becky: OK.
DJ, Stephanie, Michelle, and Becky skate off while Jesse falls down and struggles to get back up
Stephanie: Come on, Michelle. Come on, don't be scared.
Becky: Got her, Steph?
Stephanie: Yeah.
DJ and Becky skate away
Stephanie: OK, try to do what I do, OK?
Stephanie skates around in a circle around Michelle finishing out with a 360, Michelle spins around struggling with her skates as she watches
Michelle: What the heck are you doing?
Jesse does the splits, still struggling with his skates, when Danny enters
Danny: Hey, how's it going?
Jesse: I'm fine. I'm just warming up a little. I feel like an idiot.
Danny: Why? Because you're dressed up for Hoodlums On Ice?
Jesse: Because I haven't done this since I was a kid.
Danny: Yeah, I know how you feel. It's been a long time for me too. Hope I'm not rusty out there. See you in a little bit.
Danny skates away and does a double axel, then skates back to Jesse
Jesse: Yeah, real rusty, twinkle toes.
Danny: Yeah, I know, I hardly got any height on that double axel.
Joey and the rest of the group skate over to Danny and Jesse
Joey: Hey, guys. OK, everybody, it's time for Crack the Whip.
Jesse: Crack the what?
Stephanie: You're not scared, are you?
Jesse: Scared?
Joey: Come on, let's go.
Danny: All right, let's go.
Joey: OK, hold hands, everybody.
Danny: Cracking the whip.
the clan joins together in this order: Joey, Danny, Stephanie, Michelle, Becky, DJ, and Jesse brings up the rear, Jesse breaks away screaming
Becky: Isn't this fun, Jess? Jess?
Jesse: Where are the brakes on these things?!
Jesse crashes into the wall
Jesse: Ow. (falls over)
DJ: I think we might have put a little too much crack in that whip.
Joey: Let's go, you guys.
the clan skates over to Jesse
Jesse: Just tell me one thing. Is my hair messed up?
Michelle: No, but the rest of you is kind of bent.
Binkley drops in, spraying ice on Jesse
Stonewall: Hey Gladstone, how America's worst hockey player? I heard you dropped out of the game. Smart move. You know, you should have tried that 15 years ago. Might have saved yourself some embarrassment.
Jesse: All right, that's it. That's it.
Jesse tries to get up, but does not succeed
Jesse: If I could get up, you'd be in big trouble.
Danny: Binkley, is your life so pathetic and empty that you have to live in the past?
Stonewall: Well...yeah. Plus, I was looking forward to humiliating Gladstone again. I could live off that for another 15 years.
Joey: OK, I've had it. This has been eating me up inside for too long. Binkley, Saturday afternoon, this is you!
Joey breaks a hockey stick on his leg, Binkley laughs as he skates away. Michelle looks at Joey in fear as Joey stares angrily at Binkley
later, at the Tanner residence...
DJ: I can't believe you're actually letting me drive to the hockey game on the freeway.
Danny: (blocks the door) And I have total confidence in you, sweetheart. But first, let's just discuss the different lanes once more.
DJ: Dad.
Danny: Now what do you call the far left lane?
DJ: The "Entirely Too Fast" lane.
Danny: Good. See, this isn't so difficult. What do you call the middle lane?
DJ: The "Still Much Too Fast" lane.
Danny: Excellent. And now, what do we call the far right lane?
DJ: The "Geeks and Nerds" lane?
Danny: DJ, if you want, we can go right back out there and just drive around the block.
DJ: Hey, I'm a geek. I'm a nerd. Give me the keys.
Danny opens up the door and Steve shows up in the doorway
DJ: Hi, Steve.
Steve: Hey.
Danny: Hey Steve, we gotta go. Could you excuse us for a second? The refrigerator's right where you left it this morning.
Steve: Actually, Mr. Tanner, I know you're finally letting DJ drive on the freeway, and I wanted to be there for her first merge.
DJ: Isn't he romantic?
DJ and Steve hug
Danny: Hey, no merging in my kitchen. Steve, you know, if you want, you can just run alongside the car. Would you mind doing that?
Danny, DJ, and Steve leave
in the living room, Jesse is playing with Nicky and Alex as Becky is going over babysitting instructions for Kimmy
Becky: OK, Kimmy, feed the boys around 3:00 and we should be home about 5:00. Any questions?
Kimmy: Yes. my usual rate is $5.00 an hour, but you have twins, so shouldn't I get $10?
Becky: OK, Kimmy, I'll pay you 10, but you pay for your own food.
Kimmy: 5 works for me.
Jesse: (to Nicky) And if she gets into my hair care center, bite her ankles.
Becky and Jesse head toward the door, as Stephanie and Michelle enter
Kimmy: Hey, half-pints.
Stephanie: Hey, half-wit.
Kimmy: So kid, still hiding from the goat boy?
Michelle: There's no such things as goat boys, if you want to know.
Kimmy: OK, but check this out. Half man, half dog, Muttman!
Michelle: No! (hides behind Stephanie)
Stephanie: (grabs the newspaper away from Kimmy) He chases cars and drives away in them?
Michelle: What if he drives to our house?
Jesse: Steph, give me that. Michelle, there is no such thing as a half man, half dog.
Joey enters the room in his hockey uniform
Joey: Grr! I am psyched for this game! I'm going to rip off Binkley's head, chew him up, and spit him out! (pops in a black mouthpiece and growls)
Michelle: Aaaahhhh! Muttman!
Michelle runs up to her room
Jesse: Michelle!
Joey: What did I say?
Upstairs, Joey is looking for Michelle
Joey: Michelle! Hey Comet, have you seen Michelle? OK, I'm right behind you.
Comet walks into Stephanie and Michelle's room and reveals Michelle hiding under her bed with her blanket blocking her view
Joey: Michelle, I'm not the Muttman.
Michelle: Yes, you are! I see your paws!
Joey: Michelle, that's Comet. Comet, could we be alone please? There's a Lassie rerun on.
Comet exits the room
Joey: (Michelle) I'm not a dog. Can you please come out?
Michelle: OK. But how come you're growling and saying mean things?
Joey: Well, Michelle, that's a big part of playing sports. It's called being competitive. You see, you just pretend to be mean and scary so the players on the other team will be afraid of you.
Michelle: Well, you're doing a good job, because I'm afraid. I like it better when you're nice.
Joey: I like it better when I'm nice too. I promise I won't be mean and scary ever again.
Michelle: Really?
Joey: Absolutely.
Joey and Michelle hug
Joey: Hey, you know me. I'd never hurt a fly. (imitating Kermit the Frog) You know your old buddy Kermit the Frog? I'd never hurt a fly. I might eat one now and then, but I'd never hurt one. So what do you say? Let's hop to it, Miss Piggy!
Michelle: (imitating Miss Piggy) OK, Kermie, you're my hero.
imitating Kermit the Frog That's a good Piggy. Uh-oh, I got a frog in my throat.
later, at the Iceoplex, the game is on! Joey's team scores as Stephanie and Michelle cheer
Jesse: Here we are in the second quarter, period...third, some hunk of the game, but I do know the score is...(puts on his glasses and looks at the scoreboard) 4-4. The score is 4-4 here today. The big guys are out there hitting the sticks around and just knocking the, uh... (looks in a hockey rule book) puck, hitting the puck around, it's really fantastic. I wish you guys were down here because, uh, maybe you could explain it to me.
the whistle blows, Joey's team shoots at the goal, and Binkley knocks down Joey. Joey takes off his gloves, knocks Binkley's mask off, and gets ready to pound him
Jesse: Oh, did you see that? Binkley pushed down Gladstone.
Joey looks in the audience and sees a scared Michelle cowering in fear
Jesse: Binkley's going to get it now. Gladstone's going to give it to him any second.
Joey lets go of Binkley as Binkley pushes him again
Jesse: Oh, maybe not. It looked like Gladstone was going to give it to Binkley. I wonder if fighting is allowed in hockey.
Jesse opens the rule book again as Becky comes into the broadcast booth
Becky: Hey Jess, you need any help with the play-by-play?
Jesse: From you?
Becky: Come on, Jess, you don't even know what color the blue line is.
Jesse: I do too. It's blue, right?
Becky: (into the microphone) OK, Burkhart clears it to the center where it's picked up by Abraham Woods, who's checked by a guy who takes the puck the other way. (to Jesse) Aren't you glad I grew up with 5 hockey-crazed brothers? (back into the microphone) He breaks away from the defense and shoots it from the corner. It's saved by Binkley who slides the puck into the corner.
Jesse: (into the microphone) My wife.
in the audience, Danny, DJ, and Steve arrive
Michelle: Where have you been?
Danny: On the side of the road talking to the Highway Patrol.
Stephanie: You got a speeding ticket your first time on the freeway? Cool!
DJ: Now that cool. I got a ticket for driving too slow. I was clocked doing 23 in a 55.
Danny: Hey, that cop was way off. You were doing at least 32.
Steve: Hey, that's right. Because you started hyperventilating as soon as she hit 30.
Danny: I wonder how Joey's doing.
Joey takes the puck down the rink as one of his opponents slams him into the wall and steals it
Jesse: I don't know much about hockey, but I sure know Joey ain't playing it. (buzzer sounds) Did somebody pull the fire alarm again?
Becky: No, that's the end of the second period and the score is 4-4.
Jesse: That's a tie.
Joey skates out of the rink and meets up with Michelle
Michelle: How's it going, Joey?
Joey: Michelle, haven't you been watching the game? I'm not playing very well.
Michelle: I know. I didn't want to mention it.
Joey: Well, remember how we agreed that it's wrong to play like a meanie?
Michelle: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's also wrong to play like a weenie. Michelle, hockey's like anything else. You play your best when you find something in the middle of being a meanie and a weenie. So would it be OK if I played like an in-betweenie?
Michelle: Call it whatever you want, but just play better.
Joey: OK, pal, this one's for you.
Joey and Michelle high-five, then Michelle kisses Joey's helmet
Joey: For good luck, right? (Michelle nods) OK, I'll get 'em.
back to the game...
Becky: Well, this third period's almost over, and the score is still 4-4. But the big news is, something amazing has happened to Joey Gladstone.
Jesse: You are correct, Becky. What amazing has happened to him?
Becky: Well, Jess, he's stick-handling beautifully, making crisp passes, hard, clean checks.
Jesse: Yes, I thought so.
Becky: Whoa, look at that! Gladstone skates past the defense men, and he's in the clear. There's 5 seconds left. He's got a breakaway! It's just Gladstone and Binkley.
One of Joey's opponents trips him as Binkley saves the puck
Becky: Joey's pulled down and his shot is saved by Stonewall.
the audience groans
Stonewall: Way to go, Gladstone.
the buzzer sounds
Jesse: I know what that means. The game is over. Ladies and gentlemen, it ends in a 4-4 tie.
Becky: No, it doesn't!
Jesse: It doesn't. (tosses the rule book over his shoulder)
Becky: Even though we're out of time, because Joey was pulled down on a breakaway, they're giving him a penalty shot.
Jesse: Ha! I knew that, folks.
Becky: Gladstone gets to go one-on-one against goaltender Hershel Binkley.
the audience cheers for Joey, Michelle gives him a thumbs-up
Jesse: Go get him, Joey.
Becky: This shot is for all the marbles. If Gladstone scores, his team wins. It all comes down to this.
Jesse: This...is what it all comes down to.
in slow motion, Joey drives the puck down the rink and fires. Binkley tries for the save, but misses. Joey's team wins!
Becky: He scores!! (screams as she hugs Jesse in the booth)
Joey's team congratulates him as Binkley throws down his mask in shame
Danny: Joey! All right!
DJ and Steve kiss as Danny pulls DJ away
Danny: Hey! Whoa! That's fine. Let's go. Come on, sweetie. Come on, girls.
the clan goes down to congratulate Joey
Jesse: All right, Joey!
Joey skates over to his family, who congratulates him. Joey lifts Michelle on his shoulders. Joey skates back into the rink and pumps his fist up in victory


Episode Information:
First shown: 1992
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Jamie & Chuck Tatham

Guest Cast:
Stonewall Binkie: Aniel Mariarty

Script edited by: Chris Flemmer
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 28/02/2007