Full House Scripts - Season 6

Episode 132 * A Very Tanner Christmas


Jesse and Michelle are in the living room. Jesse is hanging up the stockings on the fireplace.
Jesse: OK, we've got DJ, Danny, Becky, Nicky, Alex, Stephanie and of course, Santa's little helper Michelle.
Michelle: Uncle Jesse I have a problem.
Jesse: Lay it on me, babe.
Michelle: I don't know about that stocking.
Jesse: What's wrong with it? it's even got an M on it for "Michelle".
Michelle: It's okay, but this one's better.
She pulls out a huge red stocking.
Jesse: Who's stocking is this? Bigfoot's?
Michelle: What can I say, I've been very good this year!

Jesse is in the kitchen spraying the back door with snow-spray.
Jesse: (singing) Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, oh what fun, it is to (Becky comes downstairs) Oh, Becky wrap up, get the spade out and start digging, I think we're snowed in. Brrrr. I'm freezing.
Becky: (taking the can from Jesse) Let me break it gently to you, Mr. California. This is not snow, this is gunk from a can.
Jesse: Well, what do you say we go outside and build frosty the gunk-man?
Becky: It's no use, honey. I'll never get used to Christmas without snow.
Jesse: That's okay, honey, I never thought I'd get used to Elvis without side-burns.
Becky: When did he not have side-burns?
Jesse: '61 to '68. I remember my pre-school years. Living hell. Come on, Cilla, think the living room could do with some hunk-a-hunk of snowy gunk?
Jesse and Becky walk into the living room. DJ and Steve walk in through the kitchen door.
DJ: so, Steve, tell me. What's the big surprise?
Steve: Okay, Deej. I'll tell you. The greatest thing just happened to me.
DJ: You inherited a Dunkin' Donuts shop?
Steve: That would be great. No, I got accepted to college.
DJ: Steve, congratulations! ( she kisses Steve) which one?
Steve: Daytona Beach University in Florida. And I double-checked, they actually saw my grades.
DJ: Really? Florida? All the way over by another ocean.
Steve: It's cool, Deej. A four year-college. And check out the school motto. (shows her a letter)
DJ: "Who says you can't learn at the beach"? Inspiring.
Steve: I'll go and tell my parents and then we'll celebrate. (heading for the door) I can't believe I'm finally going to college, man. I'm finally going to learn how to water-ski!
He leaves. Michelle and Stephanie come into the kitchen from the living room.
Stephanie: Hey, Deej, Dad and Joey came in with the Christmas tree.
Michelle: It's big, it's green and it didn't fall off the car.
DJ: (heading for the back door) I'm going to have to see it later.
Stephanie: But, Deej, we're putting up the tree! It's a Tanner family tradition! You can't miss that!
DJ: Sorry, I've got some last minute shopping to do.
Stephanie: Shopping? Oh, well, it's just a tree. Did I mention I look great in purple?
DJ leaves. Stephanie shrugs at Michelle and they go into the living room, where Danny and Joey are carrying the tree in through the front door, which Jesse is holding open.
Danny: Joey, Please be careful. I don't want any pine leaves or pine sap on my living room floor.
Jesse: Then a pine tree was a good choice.
Becky: This reminds me of back in Nebraska, we'd hike into the woods, chop down the perfect tree and carry it back over a blanket of freshly fallen snow, laughing and drinking home-made hot cider.
Joey: Well, we grabbed this sucker from Seven Eleven and threw back a couple of big gulps.
Jesse: Oh, Joey, you're making me feel all Christmassy. Don't worry, Beck, you never know. Jack Frost could take a wrong turning and dump a whole blizzard in the back yard.
Becky: Yeah, right, when Santa goes surfing. Anyway, I'll get the decorations.
Stephanie: Good idea. The sooner we decorate this thing, the sooner we can start cramming those gifts under it.
Becky: That's the spirit!
Michelle: I hope Santa brings me that new Barbie doll.
Stephanie: Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. You don't just ask Santa for A Barbie doll.
Michelle: I know that. That's why I asked for a hula hoop and a doll's house. and another hula hoop in case the other one gets lost.
Stephanie: Now you got it! (to Jesse, Joey and Danny) and in case the big guy forgets anything, I've taken the trouble in my never-ending quest to make your holiday shopping more pleasurable.
She hands out some sheets of paper.
Danny: That's very considerate of you, Steph. You even added a color-coded map of the mall.
Jesse: Girls, brace yourselves, but there's more to Christmas than presents.
Stephanie: That's true. You could also return them for cash.
Jesse: You know what? I think you've just given me the idea for the perfect Christmas present for you guys this year.
Stephanie: Perfect gifts? That would be items one through nine on your list.
Jesse: No, this is a present you're not going to find on any list.
Stephanie: I forgot something? I must be sleeping.
Danny gives Joey the Christmas lights.
Danny: Joey, plug this in and see if any of these light bulbs need replacing.
Danny plugs them in. Only one bulb lights up.
Joey: Well, apparently this one's fine.

Christmas Day. Everyone is in the living room. Nicky and Alex are sitting inside boxes.
Joey: You know, Santa could have saved himself $39:95 if he had just bought the boys boxes and wrapping paper. Come on, boys, let's go for a ride. (he takes two canes and pulls the boxes across the living room with Nicky and Alex in them.)
Becky: (to Jesse) Jess, I love the earrings, but what do I need mittens for?
Jesse: You never know when they might come in handy. You might have a bad nail day.
Michelle and Stephanie are beside the tree going through the presents. Michelle holds one up with a V on it.
Michelle: Whose name starts with a V?
Stephanie: If those are roller-blades, just call me Vivian.
Danny: Easy, there, Sticky-fingers. That is for Vicky and I want it kept over here.
DJ: Yeah, too bad she had to work on Christmas.
Danny: Yeah, well, what can I do? She's a reporter, and the news doesn't stop for holidays. I feel bad for her. She's covering elections in Sweden.
Michelle: That's it? no more presents?
Stephanie: Didn't a certain uncle promise us a perfect gift?
Stephanie and Michelle: Hmmm?
Jesse: Yes, he did.
Stephanie and Michelle: Yay!
Jesse: but it's not here.
Stephanie and Michelle groan.
Jesse: because it's too big.
Stephanie and Michelle: Yay!
Michelle: if it's an elephant, I'll call him Phil.
Danny: Sweetheart, if it's an elephant, it'll sleep in Joey's room. No, Uncle Jesse has something planned to show you the real meaning of Christmas.
Stephanie: All right! We're going to Toys R Us!
Jesse: Wrong R U.
Michelle: We won't miss the Christmas party, will we?
Joey: Oh, you'll be back in plenty of time to see me play Santa. I think I'm going to try a new ho, ho, ho this year. How about Jerry Lewis "Ho, ho, ho, lady! Fly-man!"
Nobody laughs apart from Nicky and Alex.
Joey: Okay.
Steve comes in.
Steve: Hi, everyone. Merry Christmas. (to Joey, who's eating some cake) Hey, fruit-cake!
Joey: It's Joey to you.
Steve: Deej, I couldn't wait to give you your present.
DJ: Open mine first. (she gives him a box. Steve opens it)
Steve: Whoa, it's that leather jacket I saw at the mall. This is so expensive. I didn't spend that much on your present. I thought we had an agreement.
DJ: That doesn't matter. I love you, and I wanted to get you something that you would love. I don't expect anything fancy in return.
She opens her present. It's a blue sweatshirt.
Steve: It's just a Daytona Beach University sweatshirt.
DJ drops the sweatshirt and runs up to her room.
Steve: maybe I should have sprung for the sweat-pants, too.
He runs upstairs and comes into DJ's room.
DJ: Steve, how could you do this?
Steve: I'm really sorry, Deej, it's all I could afford. I'm saving up for college.
DJ: Don't you get it? It's not about the gift. What's going to happen to us?
Steve: I worked it all out. We'll call each other every night, and we'll see each other on school holidays.
DJ: Great, so we'll be together on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Spuds' Macensy's Birthday.
Steve: Deej, this is my shot to go to college.
DJ: But you're selling yourself short! It's just a party-school.
Steve: That's easy for you to say. You're a brain. I mean, sometimes you even read for fun.
DJ: Well, congratulations. Beach blanket you.
Steve: I thought you'd be happy for me.
DJ: Why should I be happy for you? You don't even care about us!
Steve: Hey, I do too care us.
DJ: I can tell by your gift.
Steve: Well, who asked you to blow your whole bank account on my present? What were you trying to do, bribe me to stay?
DJ: I can't believe you just said that.
Steve: (taking the jacket off and throwing it on DJ's bed) Hey, if the jacket fits, wear it.
DJ: You know what? I'm glad you're going to Florida.
Steve: Oh, yeah? Me too.
He leaves. DJ throws the sweatshirt after him.
DJ: Merry Christmas.

Later at the Christmas party, DJ, Becky, Nicky and Alex are sitting on the couch. Becky is holding a box.
Becky: Look, boys. Let's see what DJ got you. (pulls out two snow-domes) Look, snow-domes! Yes, snow-domes.
Alex: Snow!
Becky: Yes, (looking at Nicky's snow-dome) look, it's Santa all covered in snow. (looking at Alex's) Oh, and look, look, look. Look at the snow falling down on the happy children.. Stay in that bubble, kids, where every Christmas is white. (DJ stares at her) Uh, boys, say thank you to DJ for the nice gift.
Alex: Thank you, DJ.
DJ: You're welcome.
Joey: (to Danny)How about a Tasmanian devil? (imitates Taz followed by a ho,ho,ho.)
Danny: Boy, if Vicky were here, she sure would love my egg-knock.
Joey: Thanks for the input. I'm going to go change.
The doorbell rings. DJ answers it. It's Kimmy
Kimmy: Deej, I heard about you and Steve. Hang in there. I hear the first three hours are the toughest.
DJ: Well, he keeps calling. Six times I hung up on him and four times I wouldn't talk to him. That way I vary it a little.
Kimmy: It's time to get on with your life, which is why I've taken the liberty of bringing something that would bring a little light into your Christmas. The wrestling team! come on in, boys. Food's on the house!
The wrestling team come in and head for the food.
Kimmy: A thousand pounds of fresh, Gibbler-fortified beef.
DJ: Kimmy, what are you doing?
Kimmy: Getting you back under circulation. (to the team) Guys, you know DJ. She broke up with Steve, and she isn't even thinking about him.
DJ: Yeah, it's true. And as far as thinking of him, nothing could be further than my mind than old what's-his-name. (holding up a bowl) Steve-bowl? I mean, cheese-bowl?

In the kitchen, Danny is cooking something.
Danny: (singing) I wish Vicky were here for Christmas. I wish Vicky were here for Christmas. I wish Vicky were here for Christmas, 'cause I'm losing my mind!
Jesse, Stephanie and Michelle come in through the back door.
Stephanie: We're home.
Danny: How did you girls like your Christmas present?
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse took us to the shelter for homeless people.
Danny: I know, what do you think?
Stephanie: Dad, there were so many people there. Not just grown-ups. Kids, too.
Michelle: When I saw them it made me feel sad.
Jesse: It's okay to feel sad, Michelle, those people are in a lot of trouble.
Stephanie: It was hard at first. But then we all sang, and served Christmas dinner.
Michelle: I put out the napkins.
Jesse: Yeah, they were great. I was a very proud uncle today.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse was a big hit on the piano.
Jesse: Yeah, I snug a holiday version of "Hound Dog".
Stephanie: I want to go back there and help real soon.
Danny: Oh, Steph, when I hear you say something like that you make me so proud. And you know what? You're right. This isn't just a Christmas thing, this sort of thing should happen all year round. If more people helped out like you did, it could really make a difference.
Stephanie: Sorry we went so present-crazy.
Jesse: That's okay, I remember when I was your age I begged my dad for an Evil Kenevil jump-suit.
Stephanie: Why?
Jesse: Because I already had the helmet. Anyway, he took me down to the home and I tell you, it felt so good to see your faces today, because that's exactly how I felt, and I never forgot that feeling, and I never want you girls to forget it.
Michelle: Thanks for our Christmas present uncle Jesse.
Stephanie and Michelle hug Jesse.
Jesse: Now if you'll excuse me, I have one more very important gift to take care of. (he leaves)
Danny: Now, if you go through there, I think there might be a few cookies with your names on them.
Michelle: Good thing I've learned to read!
They go into the living room where DJ is talking to one of the wrestlers.
DJ: So then Steve said, well, I can't say it like he does. (Danny kisses her. DJ Smiles at him.)(to the wrestler) Where was I? Oh, yeah, Steve. You know, it's incredible. When you break up with someone like Steve, you'd think you'd be obsessed with talking about Steve, but it's really not like that.
Kimmy pulls her away.
DJ: How am I doing?
Kimmy: Save your breath. Just tattoo "I miss Steve" on your forehead. Now, let me show you how to land a stud.
She pulls out a hair-band with mistletoe ties to it.
Kimmy: My mum uses this mistletoe to chase Tom Jones through Caesar's palace. All right, boys, gather round. Two lips, no waiting.
Kimmy sits down on the couch, closes her eyes and purses her lips. All the wrestlers move away.
Kimmy: Oh, come on, don't be shy.
Comet comes running in and starts licking Kimmy.
Kimmy: Miles, you animal. (opens her eyes) Ew! (Giving DJ the mistletoe) Here, Deej, maybe you'll have more luck.
DJ puts it on. The wrestling team queue up in a line.
DJ: (taking it off) I'm not ready for this.
She runs into the kitchen. Danny follows her.

In the kitchen.
Danny: Deej, are you okay?
DJ: Terrific. I'm having a wonderful Christmas.
Danny: Really? Because you've got the same look Joey had when they canceled "Megilla Gorilla".
DJ: Dad, how can Steve go to college in Florida? We never even talked about it.
Danny: Well, remember how concerned you were when Steve couldn't get into college? This could be a great opportunity for him.
DJ: But he's going so far away. I mean, what's going to happen to us?
Danny: Hey, long-distance relationships aren't easy to cope with, but Vicky and I are making it work, and if you and Steve really care about each other, you'll make it work, too. Look, the phone bill's going to be a monster, but it'll even out on the food we save for Steve.
DJ: Dad, he hurt me so much. He said I bought him that jacket to buy his love.
Danny: Well, did you buy it because you thought it would show him how much you cared about him, so he'd decide not to leave?
DJ: Of course not! I bought it because I love him, so he'd decide not to leave. Okay, maybe it's close to what you said. Okay, maybe it's exactly what you said. I really messed up. Do you think he'll ever talk to me again?
Danny: (handing her the phone) Only one way to find out.
Michelle comes in.
Michelle: Santa's here! Not the real Santa. Just Joey, but don't tell anyone!
DJ: It's his answering machine. Why didn't I talk to him when I had the chance?
Michelle: Maybe you didn't hear me, it's the big jolly guy!
DJ and Danny follow Michelle into the living room.
Santa: (to Nicky and Alex) Ho, Ho, ho.
Becky: Ho ho.
Nicky: Ho ho.
Santa: (to Michelle) Ho, ho ho.
Michelle: Not your best ho, ho, ho, Joey. (the doorbell rings) I'll get it!
Danny: I'm with you!
They open the door to another Santa.
Santa 2: Ho, ho, ho.
Michelle: Wow! Two Santas! (to Danny) I told you I was good this year.
She walks away.
Danny: (shaking hands with the Santa in the doorway) Hi, I'm Danny Tanner. Don't tell me your sled broke down. You really got to rotate those reindeer.
Santa kisses Danny.
Danny: Whoa! I know the North Pole is lonely, pal, but...
Santa pulls of the fake beard. It turns out to be...
Vicky: Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.
Danny: Vicky? Oh, that kiss should have tipped me off. I thought you were supposed to be in Sweden.
Vicky: I was, but as soon as I finished I took a dog-sled for twenty miles to the nearest airport, rented a Santa Claus suit, hopped on the last flight to San Francisco and arrived twenty minutes ago.
Danny: Wow, Twenty minutes from the airport. You made great timing. Come here.
Danny and Vicky hug.
DJ: (to the first Santa) You know, Joey, I wish you were the real Santa. Then I could ask you to bring me Steve, so I could apologies to him. I was so selfish. I should be happy he got into college.
Another Santa comes in from the back.
Santa3: Ho, ho, ho. Or as Daffy Duck would say, (imitating Daffy Duck) "Ho, ho, ho, all you wonderful Tttttttttttthan Franttthithcans.
Nicky: Santa!
Becky: Yeah, Santa.
Michelle: This Santa thing is out of control!
Santa 3: (to the first Santa)Well, well, well, it seems as though there's an impottttttthter amongst us.
DJ: Wait a minute. If you're Joey, then who are you? (she pulls down the first Santa's beard) Steve!
Joey: ttttttttthome Tthanta Claus.
Steve: Deej, I'm really sorry. This is the only way I could get you to talk to me.
DJ: Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Steve: Well, Santa never interrupts an apology.
DJ: Well, I'm really sorry.
Steve: Yeah, me too. I got so pumped up about getting into college, I didn't even think about your feelings.
DJ: No, you were right. We'll make this work no matter how far apart we are.
Steve: Well, we're not going to be far apart. I'm going to stay in town and go to junior college. Then maybe I can get into a really good school.
DJ: Oh, Steve, I love you.
Steve: I love you, too.
They kiss.
Everyone in the room: Aw!
Jesse comes in.
Jesse: Ladies and gentlemen I have a very important announcement to make. There's a very special delivery in the back yard for Mrs. Rebecca Donaldson Katsopolis.
Becky: Jess, another gift?
Jesse: Yeah, just another something that would fit into your stocking.
Becky walks out of the room.
Jesse: (to everyone) All right, she's walking through the kitchen, she's heading into the back yard and we should be getting a reaction right about...
Becky screams.
Jesse: Now. Come on.
Becky is standing in the back garden, which is covered with snow and colored lights. There is also a large snow-man. Jesse comes out. The song "Winter Wonderland" starts in the background.
Becky: (hugging Jesse) Jess, thank you so much. Thank you. How in the world did you do this?
Jesse: It's just your average normal, every-day miracle, that's all. I told you you'd need these. (gives her her mittens) Merry Christmas, honey.
Becky: Merry Christmas.
They kiss.
Becky: Come on, how did you do it?
Jesse: Well, I don't like explaining my miracles, but if I must, see I know this guy that makes snow-cones and I just ordered 17 000 of them.
Everyone else comes out.
Stephanie: Snow!
Jesse takes Nicky and Alex and carries them over to Becky.
Jesse: Can you say White Christmas? Can you say White Christmas?
Nicky: White Christmas!
Michelle: Are we going to talk about it, or play in it?!
Everyone runs out into the snow. Danny kisses Vicky, Jesse kisses Becky, Steve kisses DJ.
Nicky, Alex, Michelle and Stephanie throw snowballs at Joey....


Episode Information:
First shown: 1992
Directed by: Jay Abramovitz
Written by: Jamie & Chuck Tatham

Guest Cast:
Vicky: Gail Edwards

Script edited by: Netanel Epstein
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever

Released: 11/12/2000