In the living room of the Tanner house, we see Joey discussing strategy with his soccer team
Joey: OK, Thunderbirds, what are the positions when we line up for a corner kick?
Michelle: (raises her hand) Joey?
Joey: Yes, Michelle?
Michelle: Are we the hugs or the kisses?
Joey: Hugs or the kisses? Oh, you mean the X's or the O's. No, Michelle, in soccer, we use these symbols to designate abstract player deployment. Now, what I'm saying to all of you is...
Everybody gives Joey a confused look
Joey: We're the kisses. Anyone else have a question?
Aaron: (raises his hand) Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
Joey: Anyone else?
Aaron: I got one.
Joey: Yes, Aaron?
Aaron: Are you going to buy us pizza after the game, or are you too cheap?
Joey smiles smugly at Aaron, Derek stands up
Derek: Hey, hey, hey, hey, he shouldn't have to feed us. He's already donated his time.
Joey: Well, thank you, Derek. And what position would you like to play?
Derek: Well, I've always heard that the goalies get the babes.
Stephanie walks in the front door carrying a video camera
Stephanie: OK, we are now entering the Tanner household.
Joey: Uh, Steph, what's the deal with the video camera?
Stephanie: I'm doing a video project for school: a day in the life of the Tanners.
Joey: Stephanie, I happen to be in the middle of a very important coaching session.
Stephanie: That's OK. Just act natural.
Joey stares into the video camera
Stephanie: (groans) When was the last time you got around to trimming those nose hairs?
Joey covers up his nose as his entire soccer team groans
Joey: These are private nostrils. You can't use that.
DJ and Steve come downstairs stuck together, struggling to break free
Steve: More stairs. More stairs. Ah, ah, careful.
DJ: Can someone please help us? My chain got caught on Steve's sweater.
The soccer team laughs
Steve: Do you have any idea how expensive this sweater is?
DJ: You should, I bought it for you.
Michelle: How did you guys get stuck together?
Steve: Well, we were upstairs studying...
Aaron: (interrupting) Studying? Not! They were kissing! Kissy-face! Kissy-face!
the rest of the team joins in the chanting of "Kissy-face!"
DJ: Will you kids stop being so immature?
Joey: Kissy-face! Kissy-face...uh, there's no room for that kind of immature behavior on this tape.
Stephanie: My class is going to love this.
DJ: Your class? Steph, you can't use that!
Stephanie: I have to. It's too goofy not to share with the world.
DJ: Steph, give me that.
DJ starts chasing Stephanie, pulling thread out of Steve's sweater in the process
Steve: DJ! DJ!
In the kitchen, we see Nicky and Alex playing the drums on pieces of tupperware, Becky is also there with a load of laundry
Becky: Nicky, Alex, not Uncle Danny's tupperware. He will never forgive us if anything happens to his cold cut keeper.
Nicky: Bad boys.
Alex: Bad boys.
Becky: No, you're not bad boys. You just got mixed up with the wrong crowd.
Alex: Bad boys.
Nicky: Bad boys.
Becky: Oh, "Bad Boys." You want to get down, huh? (starts singing and banging on the tupperware) Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? (Nicky resumes drumming) Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? (she grabs a turkey baster and uses it like a microphone) Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? (Jesse and Stephanie walk in) Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do...
Becky turns around, sees Jesse and Stephanie in the door, stops singing, and laughs sheepishly
Jesse: (applauding) Send her a ringer.
Becky: How much of that did you happen to see?
Jesse: Just the part from... (grabs Becky's turkey baster and imitates her) Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?
Becky: (hits Jesse) I don't dance like that!
Jesse: Well, we can always check the tape.
Becky: Or we can burn it. Steph, you can't use that.
Jesse: Aw, come on, Beck, be a good sport. It's the funniest thing on that tape. Right, Steph?
Stephanie: Well, it's kind of a toss-up between that and your morning pep talk to your hair.
Jesse: (to Becky) Well, occasionally I yak to the, uh, yak to the guys, because it's like, uh, it's like a plant, you know, when you talk to a plant... (to Stephanie) You have that on tape?
Stephanie: Oh yeah, every inspirational word. I laughed, I cried, but mostly I laughed.
Becky: Oh, come on, Jess, be a good sport.
Jesse: I'll be a great sport...once I get that tape. Steph, give me the tape!
Jesse chases Stephanie. Stephanie fakes her out at the stairs and she runs off
Meanwhile, at the soccer field, Joey's soccer team is practicing for a big game
Joey: OK, OK, let's get it together. Hey, Michelle.
Michelle: Joey, this is great. I love soccer. At home, I'm not allowed to kick anything.
Joey: (laughs) OK, get over there, you little kicker, let's go. OK, let's go.
the team members take turns taking shots at the goal. Derek, the goalie, dodges all the shots
Joey: OK, every hold up for just a second, all right? OK. Uh, Derek, I think I forgot to mention this is soccer, not dodge ball, OK? The goalie's allowed to stop some of these shots.
Derek: But the ball travels so quickly. It's bound to smart.
Joey: Well, it's not going to smart as much as you think, OK? So hang in there, son. All right? OK, let's go, everybody, come on. Let's get it together. Come on.
Danny: Hey, Joey.
Joey: Oh, hey, Danny.
Danny: How's the squad coming this year?
Joey: (with an accent) Well, uh, it's a rebuilding year, so, uh, you know, we're going with the youth movement. And, uh, you know, the tykes, they like to put the boot to the ball, so we got that going for us, which, you know, it's a plus when you think about it. (normal voice to Michelle) OK, Michelle, your turn.
Michelle goes to kick the ball, but misses. Her teammates laugh
Danny: Honey, just concentrate. It's a big net and a small ball. Make it happen.
Michelle misses the ball again and her shoe flies off. Derek catches it
Derek: Yes! Derek S. Boyd with the save! (throws the shoe down like a touchdown)
Danny: That's OK, Michelle. Nice try. Joey, she's not...uh, what's the word I'm looking for, good?
Joey: Aw, Danny, come on, it's her first day. She's just learning, and look how much fun she's having.
Danny: I don't know. DJ and Steph, they were natural athletes. They took after me.
Michelle gets her shoe from Derek
Danny: I guess in order for Michelle to become a good soccer player, she's going to need a little practice.
Joey: Danny, I think her soccer's fine. I think her shoe-tying needs a little work.
Michelle struggles to put her shoe back on
scene moves to the Tanner back yard where Danny has set up a goal between to garbage cans and he and Michelle are practicing soccer
Danny: All right, Tanner's right up at the net, it's just her and the goaltender. She takes a mighty kick, and... (Michelle kicks the ball between the two garbage cans) Goal! That's 48 straight goals for Michelle Tanner.
Michelle: 48 straight? Good time to go in for supper. Right, Dad?
Danny: Sweetheart, we still have plenty of time. Remember, the better you play, the more you're going to like soccer.
Michelle: I thought I liked it already.
Kimmy pops her head over the fence
Kimmy: Hey! Guess what, string bean? Thanks to me, you can say goodbye to irritating pests.
Danny: You're moving?
Kimmy: No, I just put in a heavy-duty bug zapper, the Insect Inferno. This baby gets them all. *zap* Pesky flies, *zap* annoying mosquitoes, *huge zap* nearsighted squirrels. But don't worry. He's only stunned. (to the dead squirrel holding up 2 fingers) Hey, how many fingers do you see?
Danny: I got to build a higher fence. All right, Michelle, it's time to get back to business, OK?
Jesse walks into the yard
Michelle: Daddy, why can't we go in now?
Danny: Sweetheart, you know what they say, practice makes perfect.
Michelle: Why can't they say "Let's eat"?
Jesse: Danny, don't you think it's time to call it quits?
Danny: Jess, all I'm trying to do is make Michelle a better soccer player.
Jesse: You sound like my dad. All he was trying to do is make me a baseball player. But he pushed me so hard the guy scarred me for life. After school each day he'd crouch behind the plate and I had to throw 100 strikes before I was allowed to eat dinner.
Danny: That's not going to happen to Michelle. I happen to be an excellent soccer coach.
Jesse: What do you know about soccer? I've never seen you kick anything but a tire on a car...and you missed.
Danny: Hey, if you guys would just give me a little bit of room, I will demonstrate my excellent soccer skills, OK? You guys see that knothole in the fence right there?
Jesse and Michelle: Uh-huh.
Danny: Well, don't take your eyes off it. Plant the left, swing the right, and (kicks the ball) kapowie!
*metallic clank, enormous zap*
Jesse: (imitating Danny) Plant the left, swing the right, and kapowie!
Jesse imitates an electrical zap while Kimmy pops her head up the fence
Kimmy: Hey, you owe me $90 for a new Insect Inferno.
Danny: What are you talking about?
Kimmy: I give you Exhibit A.
Kimmy gives Danny the ball back, which is now flat and has burn marks all over it, Stephanie comes out from behind a bush with her camera
Stephanie: This is definitely two thumbs up. They'll probably show this on parent night.
Danny: Steph, wait, you can't use that.
Stephanie runs off, Danny chases her
Danny: Steph! Steph, get back here!
later, at the soccer game...
Joey: OK, OK, stay in position! Don't bunch up!
Danny: Michelle never had to bunch up!
Jesse: Yeah, Michelle, if you feel like you have to bunch up, what the heck? Go ahead, bunch. Bunch if you have to.
Danny and Joey look at Jesse
Jesse: A little bunching now and again would never hurt anyone.
Stephanie drops in with her camera
Danny: Come on, honey! Make some contact!
Stephanie: Hey, guys. Did I miss anything?
Joey: Just your dad and your uncle Jesse acting like a couple meddling buttinskis.
Stephanie: Why am I never around for the Kodak moments?
the blue team takes the ball down the field as Danny stops Michelle
Danny: Michelle, hold on a second, sweetheart. Listen to me, the game is tied 3-3, and there's only a minute left, OK? I want you be aggressive. I want you to get out there, go for that ball, and score, OK? We can win, honey.
Michelle: OK, Dad.
Jesse: Wait a minute. It's OK if you don't, all right? It's just a game. I mean, life goes on. Tomorrow you're going to wake up, you know, the sun will be shining, the birds will be singing, you have your health, you have most of your teeth...
Michelle: OK, Uncle Jesse.
Joey: Guys, come on, I got a game going on. You see what's on my shirt? It says "Coach", so let me do my job. Michelle, go on, get in there, let's go.
Michelle gets control of the ball, but she's heading the wrong direction, toward her own goal
Danny: Get that ball down there, we can win!
Jesse: It's just a game, honey!
Joey: Michelle, you're going the wrong way!
Michelle continues the wrong way
Jesse: Michelle, you'd be having a lot more fun if you went that way!
Jesse, Joey, Danny, Derek, and the audience yells at Michelle to go the other way, but Michelle kicks the ball toward her own team's goal. Derek tries to block it, but misses
Michelle: I won! I won!
Michelle's opponents come in to congratulate her as Danny, Jesse, and Joey shake their heads in dismay and the ref blows the whistle
Michelle: Thank you. Thank you. You guys are good losers.
Michelle's opponents walk away as her teammates walk toward her angrily
Aaron: Nice work, Michelle.
Michelle: What? I scored the winning goal.
Aaron: Did you happen to see who the goalie is?
Michelle turns around and sees Derek guarding the goal
Michelle: Yeah, he looks a lot like Derek.
Aaron: He is Derek! You scored for the other team! We lost because of you.
As Michelle's teammate walk away in disgust, she looks down sadly
later, at the Tanner house, Joey is on the phone
Joey: Come on, now, don't cry. I mean, who'd expect Michelle to kick the ball into her own net in the first place? Listen, you have a little bite to eat, maybe take a nap, and you'll feel all better. Uh-huh. All right. OK. Bye bye. (hangs up phone)
Jesse: Derek's taking it pretty hard, huh?
Joey: Well, I don't know about that, but his dad sure is a mess. I hope Michelle's feeling a little better.
Danny: Oh man, it's all my fault. I put so much pressure on her she didn't know whether she was coming or going. When she started, she was just a happy-go-lucky kid. Then I got a hold of her, and I worked her, and I drilled her until there was nothing left but an overworked, over drilled hunk of overworked, over drilled kid.
Joey: Danny, don't get your shorts in a knot.
Danny: Joey, I'm upset!
Joey: No, I mean, your shorts are really in a knot.
Jesse: Danny, this is my fault. I was contradicting everything you guys said to her. I mean, I was saying one thing, you were saying one thing.
Danny: Jess, I'm telling you it's my fault. I was really...I blew it.
Jesse: Danny, it was my fault.
Jesse and Danny argue about whose fault it was
Joey: Guys! Guys! It wasn't any one person's fault. It was both of you.
Jesse and Danny look at each other with guilt in their eyes as Michelle comes down the stairs saying "ow" with every step
Danny: Michelle, is something wrong with your leg?
Michelle: Yeah, I just broke it. Now I'll never be able to play soccer again.
Jesse: Michelle, you're very brave coming all the way downstairs like that with a broken leg. Must really hurt.
Michelle: It does. Look, I can't even hop on it.
Michelle hops on her left foot, saying "ow" with every hop
Jesse: That's funny, because I thought your other leg was broken.
Michelle: Oh, yeah.
Michelle hops on her right foot, saying "ow" with every hop
Danny: Honey, I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV, but I think your leg is OK now. I think you're just feeling bad about what happened today at the soccer game.
Michelle: Well, maybe it's not broken, but it's still kind of itchy. (scratches her leg)
Danny: Sweetheart, I want to tell you something. I'm really sorry. I put too much pressure on you. I just - I wanted really, really bad for you to be a good soccer player.
Michelle: That's OK, Daddy.
Danny: Thank you, sweetheart.
Danny and Michelle hug
Danny: Your Uncle Jesse was right. You should just play soccer for the fun of it.
Michelle: But I don't want to play soccer. I want to quit, just like Uncle Jesse quit baseball.
Jesse: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hold it, shorty. Listen, I hated baseball. You love soccer. If you love something, you got to keep doing it. Right, coach?
Joey: Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Jess. Absolutely. Uh, Michelle, look. You made a little mistake today, but what do you say, do you want to give it another try?
Michelle: I want to play soccer, but everybody's just going to make fun of me.
Joey: Well, I know you're embarrassed. But everybody gets embarrassed now and again.
Michelle: Not like I was today. I was the most embarrassed person in the whole wide universe ever, times 10.
Joey: Times 10? well, Michelle, I think I can prove to you that somewhere in the universe, there is another person who is more embarrassed than you.
scene cuts to the living room where the whole family is gathered for the premiere of Stephanie's video
Joey: Michelle, I think you'll find this informative and educational.
Stephanie: It's a little something I like to call "You Can't Use That".
Stephanie hits the "Play" button on the remote, as the TV shows when Stephanie first walked in the house with the camera
Stephanie: (on tape) OK, we are now entering the Tanner household.
Joey: (on tape) Uh, Steph, what's the deal with the video camera?
Stephanie: (on tape) I'm doing a video project for school: a day in the life of the Tanners.
Joey: (on tape) Stephanie, I happen to be in the middle of a very important coaching session right now.
Stephanie: (on tape) That's OK. Just act natural.
the TV zooms in on Joey's nose
Stephanie: (on tape) Wow, when was the last time you got around to trimming those nose hairs?
Joey covers up his nose on the tape
Joey: (on tape) Stephanie, these are very private nostrils. You can't use that.
back in the real world, everybody laughs at Joey, at the tape moves on to DJ and Steve's sweater mishap. DJ is chasing Stephanie around, entangling the entire soccer team with the thread from Steve's sweater
DJ: (on tape) Stephanie, there is no way. Stephanie. Stephanie, give me that tape! Come on, I'm really serious!
Steve: (on tape) I'm losing sleeve here.
DJ: (on tape) I mean it, you can NOT use this! Stephanie, give it to me! Give it to me!
everybody laughs at DJ and Steve
DJ: Steve, I am so sorry about your sweater.
Steve: Hey, Deej, it's OK. I still have the sleeves. My mom can use them as leg warmers.
on the tape, Becky is singing the Cops theme
Becky: (on tape) (singing) Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys...(laughs sheepishly) How much of that did you actually happen to see?
back to reality...
Alex: Bad boys.
Nicky: Bad boys.
Becky: Yeah, that's us. Gladys Knight and the Pipsqueaks.
on the tape, Jesse is talking to his hair
Jesse: (on tape) All right. Boys, you've been shampooed, conditioned, and hot-oiled. You're standing proud, blowing in the breeze, hanging over my face looking naturally tousled at just the right angle, but most importantly, I can't stress this enough, never, I repeat never, fall out. OK, guys, let's be careful out there today. I'm proud of you.
back in reality, Joey is laughing his guts out at Jesse
Jesse: I knew she was there.
on the tape, Danny is demonstrating his soccer skills in the backyard
Danny: (on tape) Plant the left, swing the right, and (kicks the ball) kapowie!
*metallic clank, enormous zap*
Michelle is laughing in reality
Jesse: (on tape) (imitating Danny) Plant the left, swing the right, and kapowie!
in reality, everyone is laughing
Danny: It would be a lot funnier if I didn't owe Gibbler 90 bucks.
on the tape, Stephanie is showing Comet drinking out of his bowl
Stephanie: (on tape) Just so you don't think every one of the Tanners is a nut bar, here's Comet. Comet, come get your rubber pork chop. (dangles a rubber pork chop in front of the camera) Come here, boy. Come here, boy. Get the pork chop.
Comet runs into the camera, Stephanie screams as she falls over. When she lands, the camera is pointed at her
Stephanie: (on tape) I certainly can't use that.
on the tape, Comet licks Stephanie
Stephanie: (on tape) Oh, Comet!
Stephanie groans in disgust on the tape as the scene moves back into reality where everyone is laughing at Stephanie
Stephanie: I still have some editing to do.
back on the tape, Michelle is seen scoring in the wrong goal
Michelle: (on tape) I won! I won!
back in reality, Michelle looks down on the floor sadly, and then perks back up
Michelle: Well, at least I kept my shoe on.
Joey: See, Michelle, the best thing you can do when you get embarrassed is just laugh at yourself. It will get you through some really tough times.
Danny: So, sweetheart, you think that leg of yours is feeling good enough to play soccer again?
Michelle: I don't know, Daddy.
Joey: Well, we got that big rematch against the Badgers Saturday.
Michelle: But what if everybody starts making fun of me?
Jesse: Just be cool and laugh along with them.
Michelle: You're right, Uncle Jesse. All I did was score in the wrong goal. It's not like I talked to my hair.
Jesse: All right, all right, I think she gets it. I think she gets it. Steph, give me the tape.
Stephanie runs off with Jesse chasing her
back at the soccer field, Joey's team is gearing up for the big rematch. Jesse is walking with Michelle onto the field
Jesse: Hey, guys.
Aaron: So, you guys decided to show up.
Jesse: Isn't there a rule in this thing? Don't you have to be this tall to be obnoxious?
Jesse holds his hand flat over Aaron's head, Aaron jumps up to try to reach it
Joey: OK, you guys ready to go out there and beat those Badgers?
Joey's team: Yeah!
Joey: All right.
Aaron: We are, but I don't know about Wrong-Way Tanner.
Danny: Hey Joey, isn't there a way we can trade Aaron for a loudmouth to be named later?
Michelle: That's OK, Daddy. He doesn't bother me one bit. Come on, everybody! Let's get out there!
Michelle starts walking off the field, as everybody starts yelling at her
Joey: Michelle, the field's over here!
Michelle: Gotcha! (Michelle laughs as she runs back on the field)
Michelle: Come on, guys! Let's kick some Badger butt!
everybody runs out on the field and the game begins
First shown: 1993
Directed by: John Tracy
Written by: Jamie & Chuck Tatham
Aaron: Miko Hughes
Derek: Blake McIver Ewing
Script edited by: Chris Flemmer
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever