Full House Scripts - Season 7

Episode 168 * A House Divided


we find Becky, Jesse, Nicky, and Alex in the attic
Becky: Hey Jess, uh, how come the outdoor play set isn't, oh I don't know, outdoors?
Jesse: Don't ask me, ask Danny. He banned us from the backyard.
Becky: Oh, that's right. He's reseeding the grass.
Jesse: Honey, please, do not use the word "recede" around you know who... (Jesse points to his hair)
Becky: Well Jess, it's going to take 3 weeks for the grass to grow in.
Jesse: Well I know, honey, but I promised the kids I'd build this for them, and when I make a promise to my children, I don't break it. God knows I tried, though. They begged, they pleaded, they gave me the... lip. (Jesse gives the lip)
Becky: Well, this is great - this is going to be like living in a playground for 3 weeks.
Jesse: Well, don't blame me, blame Danny. In fact, you know what - that sounds like an excellent idea. Excuse me, I'm going to blame Danny.
Becky: Uh, Jess?
Jesse: What?
Becky: You can't blame Danny.
Jesse: Why not?
Becky: You can't leave.
Jesse: Why?
Becky: Danny's waxing the hallway floor. We're going to be stuck in here for about an hour.
Jesse: Oh, great. I'm a prisoner in my own attic.
Nicky or Alex: Daddy, you slide.
Jesse: Well son, Daddy's not really in the mood to slide. (The twins give Jesse the lip) There it is, there it is, the lip again. I'm a sucker for the lip. All right, come on. I'll give you guys a ride on the slide. You go with me. Hang on, brother, all right? Here we go. Ready. Set. Go!

DJ is in the hall in front of the bathroom door, and Joey is in the bathtub
DJ: Come on, Joey, you've been in there for almost an hour.
Joey: Almost an hour? I reserved the bathroom for exactly an hour.
DJ: Aw, Joey, come on - I have a date tonight.
Joey: Hey. I followed all the rules, I filled out all the forms... I even sent out a memo. (Joey starts to sing opera)
DJ: Joey, come on. Joey! (Stephanie walks by, and DJ asks
Stephanie: ) Hey, did you know that Joey reserved the bathroom for a whole hour?
Stephanie: Gotta read those memos.

Stephanie and Michelle in their bedroom
Stephanie: Oh no, harmonica girl lives. Michelle, give me a break; it's been 3 days!
Michelle: I have to practice "Down in the Valley."
Stephanie: Why don't you practice down in the basement? I have to study.
Michelle: In case you're wondering why my name is on the wall, it's because it's my room, too.

back in the hallway, we find DJ and Danny. Joey is still in the tub
DJ: Dad, you have to help me. Joey's never coming out.
Danny: DJ, he can't stay in there forever - he's got to eat sometime.
just then, a pizza man walks out of the bathroom
Pizza Man: Thanks, dude. (pizza man leaves)
Danny: Joey... Joey! When you're finished, there better not be a pepperoni ring around the tub.
Stephanie and Michelle run into the hall
Michelle: Give it back, harmonica stealer.
Stephanie: No way, music murderer.
Michelle: No!
Stephanie: Dad, help, help me! (Stephanie and Michelle start to fight)
DJ: Stop! Stop fighting. Dad does not want to hear your petty problems. (DJ turns to Danny) Dad, I'm not going to have enough time to dry my hair. Joey's been in there forever. (DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle start chattering and whining to Danny)
Danny: Guys. Guys. Guys! Hey, hey! I can only handle one problem at a time, okay? Now cover me; I'm going in. Get back. (Danny enters the bathroom, where Joey is still in the tub) Oh, this is a pretty picture. You know, I love Italian food in the bathroom as much as the next guy, but don't you think you've been in here long enough?
Joey: All I'm asking for is an hour of peace and quiet where I can gather my thoughts.
Danny: Yeah, I guess you're right. Every man deserves a chance just to sit back and reflect on the deeper meanings of life.
Joey: Thank you, Danny. All right, tub hockey! Here we go. (Joey imitates a horn) Sharks versus the Ducks! Charge!
Jesse enters the bathroom
Jesse: Hey Danny, you know, I've been thinking, you know, it's time you show some consideration for some of the other people that live in this house.
Joey: Why don't we start with knocking on the bathroom door when a guy's in the tub.
Jesse: Just eat your pizza, bubble boy. (to Danny) Danny, you. I've got to talk to you about a few things, you know? All right, first, you close the backyard; you don't consult me, okay? You wax the hallway floor; again, you don't consult me. You rearrange the cupboard, you defrost the refrigerator, you scotchguard my high school yearbook; again, you don't consult me. Do you see a pattern going on here?
Danny: Yes. You complain a lot. (the doorbell rings) That better not be the falafel guy.
Danny and Jesse leave the bathroom and walk down the hallway, going to answer the door. DJ, Stephanie and Michelle are still in the hallway
Stephanie: Dad!
Michelle: Dad!
DJ: Dad!
Jesse: Dad... I mean Danny... (Jesse, DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle all start yelling and complaining) I had to set up a play set for my kids in my own room.
Danny, Jesse, DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle all walk into the front room
Danny: Would everybody please chill; there's somebody at the door. (Danny opens the door, and no one is there) There's nobody at the door!
Everybody still is complaining to Danny
DJ: This is ridiculous.
Danny: Okay! Hold it, hold it. Okay. After dinner tonight, we'll have a little family meeting, and everybody can just put all their complaints in and lodge them formally.
Jesse: Good because, let me tell you a little something, I'm going to lodge a large one.
Joey, finally having left the bathroom, comes out onto the balcony
Joey: Well, I'm squeaky clean. (Joey makes a squeaking noise)
DJ: Bathroom's free.
Michelle: I gotta go.
Stephanie: Me first.
Joey: My garlic bread!
Joey, DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle run back to the bathroom, Jesse leaves, and Danny is the only one left in the front room, until a mysterious stranger walks in from the laundry room
Lou Bond: Well, this house has really changed.
Danny: You're not kidding - it never had a strange man in it before.
Lou Bond: Forgive me. The name is Bond. Lou Bond. Your daughter let me in.
Danny: My daughters are all upstairs, and they're going to hear me if I scream.
Kimmy walks into the front room, carrying a carton of milk
Kimmy: Hey, stretch.
Lou Bond: (pointing at Kimmy) Your downstairs daughter.
Kimmy: (drinks milk from the carton) Ew, this stuff's gone chunky.
Danny: And it's yours as a lovely parting gift - Kimmy Gibbler, go on home. (Kimmy leaves) Wait a minute, Lou Bond? Of the Bond Foundation? Bond Plaza? The Bond Trade Towers?
Lou Bond: Ah, the Bond Trade Towers was my father. And, this was our house before daddy hit it big. I lived here the first 12 years of my life. Lots of marvelous memories.
Danny: Really? Well, maybe you could explain to me about the scuff mark that was on the landing when we moved in. (Lou Bond stares at Danny) Okay, why don't I show you around?
Lou Bond: All right.
Danny: Right this way, please.

Jesse and Becky, in the attic
Jesse: All right, if he wants to have a family meeting, I will make a list of complaints. My first complaint - I hate family meetings.
Becky: Jess, give it a rest, huh? Hey... uh, the boys are napping, and you know what that means?
Jesse: Oh yeah!
Becky: We get to use the slide! (Jesse and Becky run over to the slide) No honey, I want to go first.
Jesse: I'm going first.
Becky: No, no, let me go first. Honey, no. You get back here right now. (Becky pulls Jesse's ears)
Jesse: The ears! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Danny and Lou Bond walk in, and Jesse and Becky are on top of the slide chattering
Danny: Guys, I hope we're not interrupting anything weird.
Becky: No problem.
Danny: Uh, Jesse, Rebecca, this is, uh, Lou. Bond Lou. I screwed that up, didn't I?
Jesse: How do you do, Lou.
Lou Bond: How do you do.
Becky: Hi, nice to meet you.
Lou Bond: Nice to meet you.
Danny: Mr. Bond actually grew up in this house.
Lou Bond: Oh look, they're still there - the initials that I carved in the beam. B. L B. Ah, Mr. Tanner, I'd like to talk to you about something. What do you say to cigars on the back porch?
Danny: I'd say, "Hello, cigars, it's a lovely evening we're having, isn't it?" (Lou Bond stares at Danny again) A little cigar humor. Kind of a joke.
Lou Bond: Good one.
Danny and Lou Bond leave, and Jesse and Becky both run to the slide
Becky: No, no, no...

that night, at the family meeting in the front room
Danny: Okay, you know I called this little family meeting because we've all been getting on each other's nerves, which is bound to happen when so many nerves live so close together. What I'm about to say might actually solve everybody's problems.
Stephanie: We're sending Michelle to harmonica camp?
Michelle: We're sending you to "Be a Nicer Sister Camp."
Jesse: Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls. Make up. Okay, now that's taken care of; on to more important matters. All right, lack of consideration - on March 4, 1989, Danny paints the banister without telling anyone. I slide down said banister on the way to an interview at which I am nicknamed "skunk pants."
Danny: Jess, I still have the floor here.
Jesse: Fine, if you're going to have the floor, and you're going to wax it, tell us.
Danny: Okay. All right. Now, as you all know, Mr. Bond, Lou Bond, is a very wealthy man. Now, he has everything he's ever wanted in his entire life, except for one thing - to live here, in the house he grew up in.
DJ: Forget it - there's enough people living here already.
Danny: No guys, he doesn't want to live here with us. He wants to buy the house.
Jesse: He wants to buy the house?
DJ: What?
Joey: Really?
Danny: Yes, yes, and he's offering me twice what it's worth.
Becky: Wow!
DJ: Are you serious?
Danny: Yeah, which means we could buy an even bigger house in this exact same neighborhood, and then we wouldn't drive each other so crazy, maybe.
Joey: Yeah!
DJ: That's a great idea - let's do it!
Stephanie: I can have my own room!
DJ: I can have my own bathroom!
Jesse: I could have my own kitchen, I could have my own living room, I could have my own backyard...
Becky: Honey, it's called a house.
Jesse: That's what I'm saying. I mean, you know, we've been talking about moving to our own house someday. Maybe, maybe that someday is now.
Joey: I'm definitely ready to move into my own place. After all, I'm a grown man. Plus, I need more shelf space for my toys.
Danny: You know what, I think this is the first family meeting where we all actually agree on something. Well, that's it then. I mean, we're, we're out of here. We're moving.
DJ: This is great! I can't believe it! I can't believe that I'm going to have my own bathroom. I don't even have to share it with Joey anymore. (everyone is excited about moving - except Michelle...)

Jesse, Becky, Nicky, and Alex in the kitchen
Becky: Oh, Jess, look at this house on Lynnwood Street. It's got a big backyard, central air, and a hot tub.
Jesse: Ooh, a hot tub - I love hot tubs. Hey boys, how would you like to live in a house with a hot tub?
Nicky or Alex: What's a hot tub?
Jesse: It's cool. It's like a... it's like a really big bath tub.
Nicky or Alex: No bath!
Alex or Nicky: No way!
Becky: No, no guys, this tub is outside, and you don't have to use soap.
Nicky or Alex: Now you tell me.
Michelle, Denise, and Teddy enter the kitchen
Michelle: Hi.
Jesse: Oh, hey Michelle, hot tub party. Our new house. Be there.
Michelle: You got a new house already?
Jesse: No, we don't have it yet, but we're just, uh, we're looking. I mean, it's kind of fun to think about, huh?
Michelle: Yeah, I can't stop thinking about it.
Jesse: Good.
Michelle, Denise, and Teddy run upstairs
Becky: Hey Jess, look at this. This house has central blow-drying.
Jesse: Let me see that... let me - where?
Becky: Gotcha!
Michelle, Denise, and Teddy in Michelle's bedroom. Michelle is playing the harmonica, and then, Denise and Teddy clap
Michelle: Thanks. I was playing the blues.
Teddy: I liked the part when the spit shot out.
DJ and Stephanie walk in
Stephanie: When I decorate my own room, I'm going to put my bed by my window, my dresser by my door, and Michelle down the hall.
Michelle: Ha, ha, ha.
DJ: Michelle, when we move out, you're going to have your own room again. If Stephanie comes in, you can throw her out.
Michelle: Can I practice now?
DJ: Later. Dad said that we have to clean up because tonight, Mr. Bond's coming over for an inspection.
Michelle: What's he inspecting for?
DJ: You know, to make sure the foundation's straight, there are no leaks, and especially that there's no infestation.
Teddy: What's infestation?
Stephanie: You know, vermin. Disgusting stuff like termites, rats, silverfish, roaches...
Denise and Teddy: Ew!
Michelle: Ew!
Stephanie: Exactly.
DJ: But don't worry. Dad's devoted his life to keeping vermin out of the house.
Stephanie: Except Kimmy.
DJ and Stephanie leave
Michelle: I don't want to move. I like that we all live together.
Denise: Then you'd better flunk that inspection.
Michelle: How do we do that?
Denise: We're your friends. We'll help you.
Teddy: We need a plan. Let's put our heads together... (Michelle, Denise, and Teddy bump their heads)
Everybody in Room: Ow!

Michelle, Denise, and Teddy in the kitchen. Michelle is on the telephone...
Michelle: (on the telephone) Hello, I'd like to order some vermin...ew...thanks anyways, bye.
Teddy: What did he say?
Michelle: They don't sell them; they only kill them. We need another plan.
Teddy: OK. But keep away from my head.

that night, Danny and Lou Bond in the front room
Lou Bond: Hello again, Mr. Tanner.
Danny: Ah, Mr. Bond. Come on in. My home is your home... but not until the check clears. (Lou Bond stares at Danny again) Just feel free to laugh any time.
Michelle enters the front room
Danny: Michelle, why didn't you go to dinner with everybody else?
Michelle: I wanted to stay for the inspection.
Danny: Sweetheart, it's going to be kind of boring.
Teddy sneaks onto the balcony with a water gun
Michelle: Maybe not.
Danny: Okay, you know what? Why don't we just start with the living room here.
Michelle: Dad, did you mention the leaky roof?
Danny: What are you talking about? Honey, the roof is in perfect condition. (to Lou Bond) You'll have to excuse my daughter. (Just then, Teddy sprays water on Lou Bond's head)
Lou Bond: That's very odd - I just felt some water on my head.
Michelle: Told you - leaky roof.
Danny: Michelle, we do not have a leaky roof... In fact, it's not even raining; that's not even the roof.
Michelle: Tell that to the guy with the wet head.

Danny, Michelle, and Lou Bond in the upstairs hallway, about to enter DJ's bedroom
Danny: And this would be my daughter DJ's room.
Michelle: I hope everything's okay in there... (Michelle opens the door, and everything inside the room is slanted. Michelle pretends that she's falling...) Whoa...
Danny: Michelle, what happened here?
Michelle: Everything's slanted. It must be the foundation. See? Whoa... whoa... whoa... I wouldn't want to buy a house this crooked.
Danny: Something's crooked here, and it's not the foundation.
Michelle: Why father, whatever do you mean?
Teddy enters the room
Teddy: You guys better get over here. You've got a big infestation.
Lou Bond: I can't wait.
Everybody starts to walk down the hall
Danny: Mr. Bond, I can assure you. There is not now, nor has there ever been a bug or rodent in this house.
Denise: Oh, it's worse than that. (Denise opens the door to Michelle's room, and there are 8 dogs in the room) You've got a bad case of dogs.
Danny: Michelle, what are all those dogs doing in your room?
Michelle: A lot of... (Michelle imitates the sound of the dogs breathing, then smiles)

Joey, Jesse, Becky, DJ, and Stephanie enter the kitchen from the back porch
DJ: We're home.
Joey: Yeah, we brought you a doggie bag. (Joey places the bag of leftover food on the kitchen table. Just then, all the dogs come running out.)
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Huh, must be Comet's poker night.
the last dog comes, grabs the bag of leftover food, and leaves. Teddy and Denise enter, chasing the dogs...
Teddy: Wait up, dogs.
Denise: We should have gone with the dead vermin.
Jesse: What's going on around here?
Danny, Michelle, and Lou Bond enter the kitchen
Danny: Michelle, we need to talk. And expect the phrase, "grounded for life" to come up a lot. (to Lou Bond) I am so sorry. (to Michelle) Michelle, if you were so upset about moving, why didn't you come and talk to us about it?
Michelle: You were all going crazy. Everybody was talking about hot tubs and telephones in the bathroom; nobody cared that we're not going to be living together anymore.
Danny: Sweetheart, we care. We were just trying to make things a little better around here.
Michelle: It already is better. It's the best house I ever lived in.
DJ: Michelle, it's the only house you ever lived in.
Michelle: It's a great house. Everything happened here. Don't you guys remember?
Jesse: Yeah, sure we remember, Michelle. We all love this house.
Michelle: Well if you love this house, then why are we moving? Aren't you going to miss us? (Michelle gives the lip)
Jesse: There it is, the lip. That's where Nicky and Alex get it.
Lou Bond: Well, that was a hallmark moment. But now, back to business. Mr. Tanner, what check would you prefer? I have giants in American industry or kittens in a cookie jar.
Danny: Hold on, sir. You know what? Michelle's right. This house is more than just walls and a ceiling. It's our lives.
DJ: Yeah, I remember when we first moved in here with mom. Man, this place was so big - it was like a castle.
Stephanie: And you know, I remember when I couldn't even reach that counter. Joey had to lift me up to get to the cookie jar.
Joey: Well, I wasn't going to leave my fingerprints on the lid, that's for sure.
Jesse: Danny, when I moved in, I thought I'd be here for a few months to help you, you know, help you raise the girls and everything. I mean, I had no idea I'd be living here for 7 years, getting married in this house, raising my own kids here... It's the best move I ever made. Thanks for reminding me, Michelle.
Michelle: No problem.
Becky: Well Jess, I guess that hot tub will have to wait. We don't have a lot of room here, but we have a lot of love, a lot of laughs... and a lot of babysitters.
Jesse: Yeah.
Michelle: You heard him, Mr. Bond; we're not selling our house... are we, dad?
Joey: Are we, dad?
Jesse: Danny?
Danny: No. Guys, don't worry. We're not moving. (to Lou Bond) Mr. Bond, I think what everybody here is trying to tell you is there is no amount of money that would break up this family.
Lou Bond: (laughing) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Now that is funny. Ha, ha, ha... uh... you're actually serious.
Kimmy enters the kitchen from the back porch
Kimmy: Hey, you guys got to help me out. My mom and I are having this big argument. Okay, now which stinks more, my sneakers or my clogs?
Everybody: Ohh!
Lou Bond: You again. Who are you?
Kimmy: (in a British accent) The next-door neighbor.
Lou Bond: Sometimes things work out for the best... (Lou Bond starts to walk out, then stops) The sneakers. (Lou Bond leaves)
DJ: Kimmy, guess what. We're staying.
Kimmy: All right!
Stephanie: But your shoes are leaving. (Stephanie throws Kimmy's shoes in the backyard, and dogs start to bark) Well, that cleared the yard.
Denise walks into the kitchen with Comet
Denise: Comet, you live here.
Michelle: We all live here.

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1994
Directed by: Joel Zwick
Written by: Marc Warren & Dennis Rinsler

Guest Cast:
Denise Frazer: Jurnee Smollett
Teddy: Tahj Mowry
Lou Bond: Keene Curtis

Script edited by: Mark J. Saia
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 08/09/1999