Full House Scripts - Season 8

Episode 178 * Under The Influence


We find Joey, Danny, Becky and Stephanie in the kitchen when Jesse walks down the stairs.
Jesse: Hey gang. Oh, Joey's cooking. Let me take a million to one shot. I don't know, just from the top of my head. Meatloaf ?
Joey: No. For a little change of taste I came up with something a little different. So, for your dining enjoyment, I bring you... meat muffins.
Danny: And I bring you the menu for Wing Hoy's, let's call them now.
Michelle and the twins walk in.
Michelle: I'm starving, what's for dinner ? (to Nicky and Alex) Guys, you've been following me all day!
Nicky: That's because we like you.
Michelle: Well, I like you too. But why don't we take a break from all this liking and eat dinner ?
Becky: Well actually, dinner is gonna be late, thanks to the [presbian] meatboy.
Alex: Let's play more Michelle.
Michelle: okay. How about hide and seek. You guys hide and I count.... to a million.
Stephanie: You were cranky there sis.
Michelle: Do you know what it's like having little kids bugging you all day long ?

(Danny, Joey, and Stephanie are in the kitchen, Kimmy walks in)
Kimmy: Hey, it's the Saturday night with "Nothing to Do" Gang. So, where's DJ?
Stephanie: She's upstairs, getting dressed.
Kimmy: She's not ready yet? It's our first Frat party with college guys. I've looked like this since noon.
Stephanie: Well, it's night time now, the darkness can only help.
(Kimmy goes upstairs)
Joey: Boy, Danny, in college, our Frat parties were a blast. Ecspecially when all those high school girls used to show up. They believed everything we said.
Danny: Yeah, we had some good times. Mister,"Fourth Man on the Moon".
Joey:You did pretty well yourself, Mister,"I created 'Love Boat', girls".
Stephanie: You guys lied to those girls?
Danny: Well, yeah. It's not something we're proud of. But, you know, when a kid is young, he wants to impress a girl, he'll do anything to.. I better go talk to DJ.

(In DJ's room)
Kimmy: deej, I am so nervous about this party. Pit check.(looking at her armpits) 1...2.
DJ: Dry as a bone.
Kimmy: I'd better be. That's the name of my deoderant.
DJ: Kimmy, let's just try to relax and have fun tonight, okay? So what if they're in college, and we're still in high school. I mean, there's no difference between you and those guys. Except about 600 pionts on the SAT's.(Danny walks in)
Danny: Uh, Deej, honey? About thet Frat party tonight, I want you to know that I think you're a totally responsible, intelligent young woman. Okay? And I trust you completely. So, please, if you would, just accept this fatherly advise in the spirit in which I'm giving it to you, okay? No matter what anybody may tell you tonight, the guy who created 'Love Boat' will not be there.

(In the living room, Michelle, Joey, and Comet are playing a game)
Michelle: I win again!
Joey: So you got lucky
Michelle: Even Comet beat you.
Joey: Well, Comet's a big hairy cheater.(Jesse comes downstairs with Nicky and Alex)
Jesse: Okay, boys, there she is, there's your favorite cousin.
Michelle: Oh, no. I've been playing with them all day.
Jesse: Here you go, go play.(Nicky and Alex start playing, then the game fall on the fall)
Michelle: You wrecked it! You guys are driving me crazy, just leave me alone.
Nicky: Michelle's mean.
Michelle: I am not mean. you've just been bugging me.
Alex: We don't like you anymore.(they go into the kitchen)
Jesse: Boys, boys. You don't mean that!
Michelle: Oh, great. Now they hate me.
Joey: Oh, they don't hate you, Michelle.
Jesse: Michelle, don't worry. They're just kids, you know. They say something and they forget about it a minute later.(he opens the kitchen door)
Nicky and Alex: We hate Michelle! We hate Michelle! We hate Michelle!

(In DJ's room, DJ walks in carrying Kimmy)
Kimmy: Woo hoo! I can fly!
DJ: Shhhh! Shhhh!
Kimmy: Woo! I can fly!
DJ: Kimmy, why couldn't you have drunk light beer?(she puts her on the bed)
Kimmy: DJ, Deej, I just wanted you to know, that I plan on being the same person I was, before I develop super powers.(Stephanie walks in)
Stephanie: What's going on in here?
Kimmy: Oh, great! It's the creature from the Blonde Lagoon!(she stands up)
Stephanie: Wait a minute, I learned about this is health class. She has all the symptoms.(she snaps, Kimmy looks the other way) Disoreintation,(she looks at Kimmy) dialated pupils,(she taps her, Kimmy falls on the bed) lack of balance. Kimmy ate tainted pork.
DJ: Steph, she did not eat tainted pork. She's drunk.
Stephanie: No. We gotta tell dad.
DJ: No, no. We can't. Well, Kimmy's not exactly his favorite person, if he finds out, she'll never be allowed back in the house.
Stephanie: Again I say, we gotta tell dad.{knock}
Danny: DJ?
DJ: Yeah, one second, dad.(she puts Kimmy under the covers) Kimmy, we're gonna play a little game, okay? Whoever can stay the quietest gets to lip wrestle with the captain of the football team.
Kimmy: Play ball!
DJ: Come in!(Danny comes in)
Danny: You're home early. How was the party?
DJ: Oh! It was great, uh, it was really good. We just didn't wanna burn out on fun.
Danny: Sounds like you had a good time.(he sees the lump on her bed) That isn't the guy who created 'Love Boat' in there, is it?
DJ: No, um, actually, it's Kimmy. She had a real big fight with her parents, so I just told her she could sleep at our house. You know, I'm real tired. All that Frat fun. I'll just see you guys in the morning?
Danny: Alright, sleep tight, sweetie.(Danny and Stephanie leave)
Kimmy: Hey, this party's too dark!(DJ takes the covers off of her)
DJ: Kimmy, the party's over. You got us kicked out. Just, go to sleep, okay?
Kimmy: You can't tell me what to do!
DJ: Kimmy, I'm trying to be a good friend, okay? But you're making this really hard.
Kimmy: Well, let me make it easy for you,(she stands up) I'm outta here.(she falls into DJ's arms)

(The next morning, in DJ's room, Michelle walks in)
Michelle: (thinking Kimmy's DJ) DJ, what can I do? Nicky and Alex are still mad at me.(she shakes Kimmy) My, what a bony butt you have.
Kimmy: I don't wanna go to school.(she looks at Michelle) Mom, you shrunk!
Michelle: Whoa!(DJ comes in)
DJ: Well, you're finally up.
Michelle: Next time dragon-breath sleeps in your bed, I want to be notified.(she leaves)
DJ: Rise and shine! It's a beautiful morning!(she opens the curtains)
Kimmy: Uh, somebody turn down the sun!
DJ: Have a pleasant night?
Kimmy: It was awful, I had a horrible dream I was driving a white porcelian bus.
DJ: That's because you spent the night with your head in the toilet, throwing up.
Kimmy: Oh. No wonder everytime I hit the turn signal, I heard a flush.
DJ: Do you have any memory of what happened last night?
Kimmy: Yes, I do. You ruined the best night of my life!
DJ: I ruined your night?! Who do you think was holding your hair when you were driving that bus?! Who let you sleep on their bed while they slept on a chair?! Who called your parents and covered for you?!
Kimmy: You're just jealous because I was the life of the party!
DJ: You are so off.
Kimmy: Oh, please. I remember everything. The party was just getting hot. (at the party) You were sitting on reject row.(Kimmy and two boys walk in laughing)
DJ: Kimmy, where have you been? You promised you wouldn't leave me alone!
Kimmy: I've been on the verandah having cocktails with these incredibly engaging young men.
DJ: I hate this party! None of the cool guys will talk to me.
Kimmy: Au contraire, I find the guests quite obliging.
Boy: Oh, Kimmy. Would you honor us with a poem?
Kimmy: If you insist. This is one of my favorites. I think that I shall never see, a poem lovely as a tree.(they clap) Ah, au d'euorves.(she throws it in the air, and catches it with her mouth)
DJ: Kimmy, I've never seen you so clever and whitty. Not to mention coordinated. And I hate it! we're going home, and I'm driving! I'm tired of taking a backseat to you!
Boy: No. Don't take her from us. She's a national treasure. The party will die without her grace and charm.
DJ: Then let it die!( they leave)

(In DJ's room)
Kimmy: And that's how you ruined my night.
DJ: Hello! News flash! I saved your scrawny neck last night.
Kimmy: You embarrassed my scrawny neck last night. I think it's time we went our seperate ways.
DJ: That's the first coherent thing you've said all day.
Kimmy: Good, we agree. This friendship is over.
DJ: Fine with me.
Kimmy: Fine with me.(DJ waits for her to leave)
DJ: Kimmy, this is my room.
Kimmy: You are so posessive.(she leaves)

(In the kitchen, Joey's making breakfast)
Joey: Floodie, hoodie, hoodie!(Stephanie walks in)
Stephanie: Joey, it doesn't smell like french toast.
Joey: Steph, I am determined to come up with a tasty meal for this family. Now, I only know two things for certain. People love pastry, people love fish. I submit for your approval.(two pastries pop out of the toaster, Joey catches them on a plate) Flounder Tarts.
Stephanie: Approval denied!(she leaves)
(Jesse and Michelle walk in)
Michelle: Uncle Jesse, when will you talk to Nicky and Alex? They're still mad at me.
Jesse: Don't worry about it, Shorty. You're Uncle Jesse has everything taken care of. (he takes a bite of a tart) Joey, two questions. Can you help me, and what did I just put in my mouth?
Joey: Yes, and Flounder Tart.(Jesse looks for a place to spit out, he spits it into Joey's glove and puts it on Joey's hand) Oh, brother. Should've gotten all boned out of this one.
(Becky, Nicky, and Alex walk in)
Becky: Alright, there you go. Jess, the boys are here.
Jesse: Alright, sit down.
Becky: I still think the kids should just work this out themselves.
Jesse: Becky, sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart. If kids could work things out by themselces, they wouldn't need parents. Now, I'm going to teach them something called, forgiveness. Sit back and watch the master.
Becky: Yes, master. I'll be over there in my bottle if you need me.
Jesse: Alright, Jeannie. Alright, Jeannie. Alright, gentlemen. Now, when your dealing with your cousins, or, uh, your friends, there's a very important thing I like to call, forgiveness. Alright, can you guys say that with me? Say forgiveness.
Nicky and Alex: Forgiveness.
Jesse: Heck of a try. Good, I see it's a little fuzzy, so I'll show you what I'm taking about. Joseph, could you help me oyt over here? I need a little help.
Joey: Absolutely.
Jesse: Okay, now, say I was to put a, I don't know, one of Joey's very delicious in his pocket here.(he puts it in his shirt pocket) See, it's in the pocket. And I give it a nice-- what's the word I'm looking for? Whack!(he whacks it) Like so. I know that my dear pal, Joey, will forgive me. Right, Joe?
Joey: yes, I forgive you.
Jesse: Thank you. You see how that works, boys? I do a thing, he forgives. It works very nice. Now, boys, could you find in your heart to forgive Michelle, over there?
Nicky and Alex: No.
Jesse: Well, I see this concept may need another example.
Joey: Permit me, daddy. Now, boys, if I were to take some of this leftover fish goo, and just sort of goop it on daddy's face.(he puts it on Jesse's face)Like so. I know that he would forgive me.
Jesse: (angry) I'm gonna...forgive you. I forgive you. I do forgive you. Well, let's, let's keep going with this thing, shall we? Now, boys, pay attention. If I were to say, uh, oh I don't know, take this whole pitcher of down Joey's shirt. Joseph, could you help me? My hand are a little dirty.(Joey opens his shirt)Like this.(he pours it down Joey's shirt) I know that my buddy Joey would forgive me. Right, Joe?
Joey: Oh, I forgive you, Jess. But, boys, just so there's not a shadow of a doubt of this whole forgiveness concept, suppose I were to take this eggbeater, and crank it up to frappe, and just stand behind your daddy's...
Becky: Okay, okay, okay, professors! Now, boys, before this fish fry goes any further, can you please tell your cousin Michelle that you forgive her?
Nicky: We can't.
Becky: Why not?
Alex: We don't know what forgive means.
Michelle: Guys, forgiveness means you know I'm sorry for what I did, and you'll give me another chance. Cause we love eachother.
Michelle: Oh!
Alex: We forgive you.(they hug)

(In DJ's room, DJ's making her bed, Danny comes in)
Danny: Hey, Deej, we're all going out for breakfast, the kitchen smells like Sea World. You could bring Kimmy along if you'd like.
DJ: I wouldn't invite Kimmy anywhere where humans gather.
Danny: So I take it you two had a little argument?
DJ: A little of the sense that we're never talking again. The truth is that Kimmy got drunk at that party last night and she couldn't go home.
Danny: I hope you weren't drinking, too.
DJ: No, dad, don't worry. I wasn't drinking. And I drove home, after I fought her for the keys.
Danny: Oh, man. It's good thing you were there. Why didn't you tell me about this last night?
DJ: I should've, but I was afraid you wouldn't let me see her again. Which is just fine with me.
Danny: Well, Deej, I know I say a lot of things about Kimmy being an annoying obnoxious nuicance--and I mean every one of them, but she's still your best friend. When somebody makes a wrong choice, I don't think you could just walk away from them, and ignore them.
DJ: Well, I really don't wanna spend the rest of my life with Kimmy draped over my shoulder. She's just not the kind of person I wanna hang out with.
Danny: Yeah, but you're the kind of person she needs. Ecspecially now, don't you think?

(In the backyard, Kimmy's sitting on a lawn chair)
DJ: I thought you would've made it home by now.
Kimmy: I'm pacing myself. My objective is the fence by nightfall.
DJ: Kimmy, you are so hung over.
Kimmy: Stop screaming. I don't need to hear anymore lectures from you.
DJ: Well, what you need to hear is exactly what happened at that party.(at the party) I was actually having a good time. I was talking to these two nice guys. You were off somewhere getting drunk.
Kimmy: (drunk) It's show time!
DJ: Kimmy, don't do this.
Kimmy: Out of my way, little Miss Perfect.(she stands on the couch) Alright, attention ladies and gentledudes, I'd like to recite a poem, intitled "Gas".(she burps) Thank you. And now for my oncore. Hey, snacks!(she throws handfuls in the air and catches then with her mouth)
Girl: Who invited her?
Boy: Hey, hey. I want you to get you friend out of here, now.
Kimmy: Oh, sure she's boring! That's no reason to kick her out of the party!
Boy: We already kicked out the guys who brought the beer. If we get caught, we could lose our charter.
DJ: I'm sorry, we're leaving. Kimmy, give me the keys.
Kimmy: I think not.(she takes the keys out of her purse)If you're making me leave, at least I can just drive home.
DJ: Kimmy, you're in no condition to drive home.
Kimmy: But if I walk I might fall and hurt myself!(DJ takes the keys)
DJ: Let's go.(They leave, Kimmy runs into the wall)
Kimmy: Oh, I told you so.
DJ: And that's what really happened.(In the backyard)
Kimmy: You just can't admit you were jealous of me! You had to embarrass me and take my car keys like I'm, some sort of child!
DJ: Kimmy, you could barely walk.
Kimmy: It's my life! What do you care?!
DJ: I'm sorry, I do care. My mom died because of a drunk driver. I wasn't gonna lose my best friend the same way.
Kimmy: Deej, I'm sorry. I know, I made a idiot out of myself last night. I didn't know how to talk to those Frat guys. But after a couple drinks, I started to loosen up. For the first time in my life, I felt cool.
DJ: Well, Kimmy, they called you a lot of things at that party, but cool wasn't one of them.
Kimmy: Well, Deej, how come you weren't nervous?
DJ: Are you kidding? I was a wreck. I was talking to this real cute guy, and he kept smiling at me. And I looked down and I realized my elbow was in the clam dip.
Kimmy: Man, I would of been so humiliated.
DJ: Yeah, well it wasn't my finest moment. But, in some weird way, it broke the ice. And we were laughing about it.
Kimmy: So, the trick to staying calm is keeping your elbow in the dip?
DJ: The trick is to remember that everybody is nervous. And it's a lot easier to handle if you stay in control.
Kimmy: I'm glad one of us did. Thanks, DJ.
(they hug)

***End ***

Episode Information:
First shown: 1994
Directed by: John Tracey
Written by: Adam I. Lapidus

Guest Cast:
Frat president: Jeff Juday
Party Nerd: Darin Bennett
Party Guest: Olivia Mandel

Script edited by: Jeanette A. and Martin van Dam (teaser)
Lay-out: Martin van Dam
Written for: Full House Forever
Released: 08/05/2004